I have lurked on here for a few months but bluntly put I've been to ashamed to post anything. I'm a failure and I've come to grips with this. I had gastric bypass, my top weight was 402. I was a model patient and my bottom weight was 215. Anyone who has had this surgery will tell you the psychological effects from surgery are overwhelming.
I'm not giving excuses but I had been in a horrible marriage for 10+ years. Six months after surgery I finally asked for a divorce, the next morning my son cut his wrists, two weeks later my mother in law passed away, three months later my grandmother (the woman who raised me) passed away, my papa's health went downhill afterwards and my family went all to **** causing me to relocate my family back to the my hometown. Nine months after this I again asked for a divorce and it took me four months to get him out of my house.
During the course of all I got below my goal weight but pushed to get below the 200 mark. But I was able to maintain through it all. Then a few months after my divorce was final I met what I thought was an amazing man. We clicked on every level and with the weight off I thought ok this is it and picked my kids up and moved in with him. About five months later I went into his email (he had given me permission to go into it) for some login information to pay our car insurance. What I found floored me... this man I adored, my kids and family adored had responded to a personals ad on craigslist. This wasn't just a normal thing though, he was responding to a gay personal ad to have sex with another man. He was scheduled to meet this man that night and even though I tried to see if he would go thru with it I lost it and he never went. He begged and pleaded with me saying it was just a curiosity and the whole family begged me to give him another chance. I gave him that chance for my family, my kids, his kids, all of us because everything else was so perfect. I married him two months later. Now a few weeks ago I just had a feeling and installed some software on the home computer and caught him doing things I dare not go into details on here about. But I will say it was of a gay nature. He says he loves me but of course the actions are totally different.
As soon as the first episode happened it was like I snapped. My self esteem that had gotten better plunged and I just lost it. I've been eating and eating like crazy. On top of the food when I get the chance I just drunk and not just a little drunk but to the point I can't remember what happened. I went to the doctor and he put me on diet pills and I ended up with liver functions increasing 8x what they should be. I'm eating goody powders because I have constant headaches. I diet and diet and I just go right back to eating. My last trip to the doctor I was 302.
I know what I'm doing to myself, believe me I know and yes I'm on anti depressants but they do not work. I've went to the doctors but to be honest I live in southern alabama and well they are as backwoods as they come. It's simply not important to them and I'm just weak. I'm sinking and I have no where to turn. If it wasn't for my kids and I could find a way I would disappear literally.
I really don't think there is much hope for me left. I can't be that fat again I can't live like that and when I look at myself in the mirror I want to throw something at it.

You sound like you have been through a LOT over the last few years and I know it must be devestating to have that surgery done and think you are getting your life together just for it to seem like it's all crashing down again. I know this is gonna sound lame but I honestly believe you should make it a point to meditate regularly, do mantras, and break the cycle of painful thoughts going on in your head. You are probably trapped in a routine right now and a personal problem has manifested itself because you are avoiding some real issue that you need to face. Until you break out of your routine, change things, and realize what it is that you are avoiding you are just going to keep hurting yourself. Just try and do something positive and completely out of character that you know you normally wouldn't do it at all and that should help a little. You can't keep letting your problems drive you in circles until you go bonkers. Silence your mind and change your habits. That's about the best advice I can give you at this point.

And ideas where to start to get information on doing that?

geekgal, Wow it sounds like you have been through h*ll! You're going through a rough time and I was wondering what your thoughts would be on seeing a therapist to help you sort things out. When you're in mental turmoil a third person especially a professional can help you see things "outside the box" and this can really help. If you're health insurance doesn't cover it there are programs that charge on a sliding scale.

Time is too short not do whatever you can to feel better and I know without a doubt you can do it. Something my dad always said(he's gone now and I miss him so) and this of course applies to you "THERE'S NO ONE IN THE WORLD BETTER THAN YOU"!

If you are drinking to the point of having blackouts it is time to stop. Blackouts are one sign of alcoholism. Turning to alcohol is not going to help your complicated living situation. Have you thought about counseling you have more problems than can be helped here,

you can find guided meditations on youtube which can get you started here is a really popular one http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0rSmxsVHPE

as for mantras it's a word or phrase that you just repeat over and over again that helps to bring you out a change in you. like someone who doesn't like their appearence could repeat again and again, "i am beautiful" or "i love the way i look." i personally use mantra's for religious reasons so I can assure you there a lot more serious stuff out there but in your case ill keep it simple. repeat the phrase you decide on out loud or in your head 108 times a day.

as for the breaking out of your role thing there isn't much i can tell you. i don't know exactly how you live your life. i would suggest you ask your therapist (i assume you have one since your on anti-depressents) or your friends what your patterns and what they expect from you.

Oh hun. It is not you who is weak. All of these horrific events chip away at a person's spirit bit by bit. If anything, you're pheonix rising out of the wreckage. Little by little, you have to start picking up the debris of your soul and though it won't be easy, it can be done. I suggest trying to go to counseling. Please, don't drink, if you can help it. It isn't helping you to gather your physical or mental strength. The advice the other posters have given is also good stuff. Do some, or none of it but you have to do something. But, don't think of yourself as weak, because you are not weak. A weak person would have broken down long before all the stuff you have had to survice.

You can always talk about your struggles here but I also think seeing a therapist might be a good idea, or going to overeaters anonymous, or even AA if there is no other resource available. I say that b/c I feel you are struggling with addiction behaviors, especially when you say you over-drink when you don't over-eat. You seem to be using food as a drug, a pain reliever. It can be very hard to deal with emotional pain and it often manifests as self-destructive behaviors. I think this is beyond a WLS or simple need of a diet revision.

I know it's within your capability to better manage your food triggers however, that power lies within us all. It's not about being brave enough to face our weight problems all the time, sometimes it's about being strong enough to say "I deserve better, no matter how many crappy people or crappy circumstances cross my path. I will not cause myself more pain to cover up the pain I feel and that's all overeating is doing." None of this stress is worth losing your life over.

I wish you the best. The circumstances you have faced are not average. I don't know anyone who wouldn't have struggled with them.

Well I've called about 10 psychiatrists this morning and they are either not accepting new patients or the waiting list is about two months out. I'm still looking but it's getting frustrating.

Even though the waiting list is 2 months, why not go ahead and get on one of their lists? That way, if you find one who can see you sooner than that, you can just cancel the other one. And if not, you at least are not going to go without help forever. In the meantime, try not to drink alcohol because it will work against your antidepressants. Not to mention the effects on your health.

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I definitely think individual therapy would be good for now. Eventually, you might try couples therapy along with it. I know what your husband did has hurt you deeply, but it might be something you can work through together.

If you can't find a psychologist, do consider some type of support group, if there is one in your area. Not sure what type of support group to suggest, so I'll leave that up to your discretion of course. Hospitals tend to have them and some universities may as well. I'm not sure what other places would have them -- check your community to see what's out there.

I really hope things start looking up for you very, very soon!