Losing weight and feeling bad?? (a vent)
 

I just need to vent. With my friends I feel like sometimes I need to minimize my weight loss success or make excuses for it instead of feeling good about it.

For example, one friend told me I was discouraging her because I am doing better than she is. I’m not exactly sure how she defines “better” - or how I am discouraging her when all along I have been her biggest cheerleader! She said that I have it easier than her because I live alone – no significant other or children. OK, yes – from her perspective that may seem easier but on the other hand, I have no one around that motivates me to get my butt up off the couch or keeps me accountable. If I wanted to binge on french fries and stay in bed all weekend, I can. But I have to push myself not to do that. And believe me, I have my days when I want to. My struggles may be different but I do have them!

Another friend doesn’t even want to talk about weight loss with me anymore. We started together (her having 25 pounds more than I to lose) and we are still both on plan. When I was 35 pounds heavier she was great but now that I am closer to goal (which is my high goal weight, btw) she thinks I need to stop whining. OK, yes – I am closer to my goal than she is but I am not there yet. Which means that I am still fighting to lose weight and I still deal with all the emotions that go along with it. Is the light at the end of my tunnel getting brighter? Sure. But I haven't reached my destination yet. If anything, I am reaching the hardest part of my journey. The part where the weight will come off slower and I’ll need to find the strength to work even harder while I am becoming increasingly discouraged.

I struggle so much with my body image and I'm sad I have to do it silently now. I still have a very distorted view of things. I’m a smart person. I know I lost weight. I know that I am in a loose size 12 as opposed to a tight 16. I know that my pajama’s fall down around my ankles when I walk. BUT I don’t see it when I look in the mirror. Naked or clothed. It doesn’t matter. (See. Just now typing that I felt a pang of guilt like how dare I complain!)

On the flip side, I used to be guilty of rolling my internal eyes at people who are my size now wanting to lose weight. My sister is a prime example because all I kept thinking about is, “Yeah, I wish I had your problem. I'd love to be your size!”. But no matter how much you currently weigh or how much you still need to lose – or even if you are now a maintainer - we all have one thing in common…..

The struggles in our journey.

Thanks for letting me vent.

You always have us at 3FC to vent to and to share your concerns and struggles with! We are here for you. I'm sorry your friends aren't being as supportive as they used to be.

Ohhh, i know how you feel! My issue is more with the sabotagers, though. Like asking me THREE times if I am sure I don't want a slice of cake. NO! I told you i had one of the mini cupcakes as a treat, and that's all i wanted. And the person knows you have been successful in your weight loss. SO FRUSTRATING!

But, you and i both feel better and healthier, so it is all worth it!

Your stats are so impressive. I started the same date as you, and I am envious that you have lost more than me, so if your friends are working just as hard as you without the results, it is understandable that they are jealous, but still they are not being good friends. I started out with a friend too. I just texted her that I lost 3lbs this week. She flat out told me that she was jealous, that she hasn't been working it like she should, AND congrats. We can admit envy, but still be supportive of one another.

I think those friends must be feeling insecure, but I have to question their friendship if they would minimize your problems. If you can't vent to your friends, who can you vent to??There is a difference in people who complain all the time and never do anything about what they're complaining about, and then there are people who vent because they're working hard but need to talk about it. Problems are problems, and whether your my size or your size, you should be able to talk to your friends about that! I've had a lot of 'friends' like that too though-I had someone tell me that I shouldn't worry about it because at least my problems aren't as big as hers. I listened to her vents countless times, without saying anything, and they are bad sometimes. But, that doesn't mean I matter less.You matter just as much too. I am sorry they are treating you this way.

I've been on both sides of the issue. Some ppl just react different to someone elses success. When I see someone doing well, it makes me think if they can do it, I can do it too. On the other hand, there can be times when you aren't seeing in change and someone elses victory can simply remind you how far you have to go, instead of seeing how far you have come. But Kelsey21 is right, you have the entire community of 3fc for support!

Thank you, Aimeebell. :-) And on the flip side of what you said, I wish that I was 145 and 5'5" tall! haha Congrats on your 3 pound loss this week! Woohoo! That is impressive to ME! I know that weight loss is all relative. The less you have to lose, the longer it takes to lose a pound. The more you have to lose, the more frustrating it seems because your goal seems so far away. As humans we can't help but compare ourselves to others. I know I do it too. But now that I am on the other side where others compare themselves to me, I learned to be a little more understanding. ;)

I think you're doing fantastically well, and if your friends are jealous of your success let them be. Don't slow up for them. They should see what you're achieving as inspirational.

I had to laugh at the pajamas falling down comment because I've been experiencing the same thing lately! Without warning, mine just hit the ground. My husband finds it absolutely hilarious and quite a show... I guess it's just not sinking in that I may need a smaller size.

Anyway, it's a shame that your friends are having this reaction because I agree that you could be a big inspiration and help to them in their own journeys. I hope they come around.

Congrats on how well you've done so far! Don't let anyone bring you down! :hug:

If these friendships have enough value, maybe you could do a little 'complaining' about your difficulties.

For this friend, maybe you could emphasize your envy of having household motivators and supporters. The old 'I wish I had your _____" may be just the thing she needs to hear to keep her blessings in mind. The grass is always greener but maybe you could throw a little fertilizer on hers.

Can you work out some math problems to try to find a way to show her she is more successful than you when she looks at it differently?

Maybe she's lost more percentage wise in her BMI or BAI than you? Maybe she has lost more inches in a specific area of her body than you? Its getting slower for you so maybe your four week running average loss is less than hers.

Good Luck however you decide to address this issue.

Mine's my jeans! I have to hitch them up all day around uni, my belt doesnt seem to help. There have been various occasions when I've been in the house carrying something, like the washing basket, and they've just fallen down!

(puts hand up)

Card carrying member of the sisterhood of the falling pjs here !!

I'm glad for this thread - I go through the same issues.
I am one of 4 girls in my family, and we all have weight issues.
I sometimes feel like I'm "betraying" them if I lose weight.
Talk about blanked up reasoning, huh?
Like I need the added guilty feelings?

Everyone just about covered it, but I do say congrats on your success. Regardless of your perceived problems or lack there of should have no bearing on the fact that everyone does have problems to a degree.I guess they are just jealous, I think the reaction you are getting is saying a lot more about how they are doing emotionally than it does you. Just do what you need to do. Maybe back off if you can feel the convo going sour. If you need to keep a list of your accomplishments for moments when you feel like others are minimizing yours do it, so you can reassure yourself. :)

I was feeling so much better after I let out my frustrations on this board. And then last night I had a missed call from one of the aforementioned friends and her message was, “Oh, you’re not there. Of course. You are probably at the gym again. Must be nice.” I know she is frustrated because her hubby is a self centered jerk that won’t watch his own child so she can come with me. I just don’t know what to do. She and I have lost practically the same amount of weight and we started at the same exact time. But because she was 25 pounds heavier than I was when we started that means that is still the case now and I am closer to goal than she is. I almost feel as if she was hoping she’d catch up to me (due to me failing or her super exceeding) and now she’s pissed because she didn’t. I tell her all the time how in awe I am of her because I know her home situation is not an optimal setting when it comes to dieting.

But I can’t be responsible for her feelings anymore. I did lie though and told her I was out to dinner with XX friend; not the gym. Then I was mad at myself for feeling like I had to lie.

It is what it is.

Thank you all for being so supportive and giving me advice!! XOXO

Maybe you could try something subtle like this -

"Hey, just because you have a jerkhole of a husband doesn't mean I have to postpone my health and well being."

Sorry, couldn't help myself. Sometimes stating the problem out loud clears the air. ;)

There may be some limits to these friendships.

You're not responsible for making your friends feel better.

And yes, personally, I've heard from a lot of friends about how easy my life is because I have something they don't, or don't have something that they have. Fill in the blank with whatever you choose. Time, children, money, a certain kind of job, mortgage, student loans, whatever. Everyone has their advantages & their disadvantages to deal with, the burden of their birth, upbringing & metabolism. ("Unfairness of," see "Life.") And anyone who walks around all the time thinking their life is so very hard & **everyone else** has it easy has issues that go beyond what they weigh. Such people are kind of boring to listen to. I mean, how much "Poor little me, oh, lucky you" can you listen to?

And you have to do your part by maybe not talking about it with these people anymore. Our interest here on the boards at 3FC is a given, but your friends may find it far less engrossing. We'll support you but they aren't specifically on a support board. And they are like other people, who look around them at friends & ask the question, "How am I doing? Well, in comparison to so-and-so ...." And they don't like what they are seeing when it comes to the weight loss thing. It's sad, yes, that you can't share a part of yourself, but then again, a lot of people have interests that they don't talk about a lot publicly. Maybe to them it's like stamp collecting. ;-)

I think this boils down to the dilemma of empathy. How much should we use, and how much should we expect from others?

You have every right to feel proud of your accomplishments, and they have every right to be discouraged and even disappointed by them. Just as you will encounter people who you will envy for, or be discouraged by their successes and good fortune.


The dilemma of empathy is always a tightrope walk, and a tug-of-war, and it always will be. Your friends will fail to be empathetic at times, and so will you, but the dilemma is far from unique to the topic of weight loss.

If you were talking about your new baby to a person who had just had a miscarriage, or about your new fabulous job to someone who was just fired or laid off, or any other topic in which your situation is drastically different than the person you're talking to, there's always the risk that it could make both or either side uncomfortable (for either having the good thing, or for not).


I think the "friend you can tell anything" to a degree is a myth. There are people who hide their disappointment and envy well, but you still risk hurting a person when you passionately discuss something you have that they don't -or complain about something they have that you don't.

It doesn't mean that you can't ever discuss these things. It does mean that you always have to play it all by ear. If you notice, or they share that a topic hurts them, then you don't discuss that topic with that person. There are plenty of people you can share with. You don't have to feel sad or betrayed that it's a taboo subject. It's ok for all of us to have off-limit subjects, and to be honest with each other about which they are.

When I first realized that my husband and I were not going to have children because of our health problems, I initially was in denial and to many friends and family, I pretended to be relieved, but internally went through a mourning period for the child I would never raise. It was sometimes hard to hear friends and family and even strangers go on and on about children. I'm sure I had every reaction possible when the baby/child topic was raised, including trying to change the subject, venting about how frustrated and hurt I was with the conversation or how lucky they were to be able to have children, or saying nothing but feeling horrible and two-faced for pretending to be happy when I was only jealous.

Weight loss is no different than any other potentially-sensitive topic. You adjust what you share to your audience. Complaining about your leaky roof to a homeless person (even if their poor choices led to their homelessness) isn't going to get as much empathy as discussing it with someone who is currently having the same problem.

In an ideal world, even the homeless guy would say and feel "I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles. I see that you need to vent your frustration, so I'll be happy to sympathise even though I envy your problem." but the fact is as humans we're just as likely to think and say "you think you've got problems?"

Don't feel guilty for your joys and successes, but understand why some people are unable to share them. You can always find the right audience to appreciate your needs at the time, whether it be venting or celebrating. You can't vent, brag, or celebrate everything to everyone, but you can always find someone appropriate for each situation and topic.