[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by beerab

I totally understand wanting to have a cheerleader. You aren't asking him to do it all just be a bit more supportive right?

Then you have to tell him that BUT you have to keep him more involved in the process. Just say you want someone to be excited for you and cheer you on and ask him if he can help you out with THAT aspect of your weight loss. Then each day give him an update and each week tell him how much you have lost.

"Hey babe today I am so proud of myself I did so well, I worked out half and hour AND stayed within my alloted calories!" or "Hey babe I lost two more lbs this week for a total of 10 lbs!" etc...

And as your cheerleader he can say "great job babe I knew you could do it."

If that's all you want I don't see how he can't toss in a few words of encouragement here and there.

Honestly sounds like you guys might want to look into marriage counseling- if my husband stopped telling (and showing) he loved me I'd be a very unhappy person.

See, that's just it. I don't "need" it. I am doing this. I'm ready to do this. But a cheerleader would be nice!

[krampus]

I'm sad to hear you're not getting the support you'd like from your husband. I think with most couples, competition and hurt feelings are closely entwined and it ends up being the better option to not try to arrange any kind of "you keep me accountable" deal with your husband/wife.

Since it sounds like he wishes you were thinner, it would really benefit all parties if he said some kind and/or encouraging words. I hope you hear them, as well as an "I love you" or 10, ASAP.

[ebb&flow]

I am so sorry that you feel let down in this situation. I have a couple of thoughts, that my or may not have already been posted because I only skimmed the other responses.

First, I agree with the guys/gals who said me need detailed instructions on what they are expected to do. The important part of that is that he could say he loves me till the cows come home. He feels love is best expressed by actions because anyone can say the words. However, he often needs me to spell out instructions of what I need and what I feel is helpful. Instructions almost always start out with "don't try to solve my problem." His first reaction is to come up withe a plan for me/things for me to do. Then I say Do A B and C when I do X Y and Z.

Other hand, or other point. Sometimes one thing is an indicator of an issue of other larger issues. We have a lot of pressure. Separations for work, a kid with medical issues and special needs, and sometimes financial strains. We've had rough patches as well as good times. The thing is, when we are having a rough patch and there is a distance between us that we can't breach immediately, he doesn't communicate well. Then he starts to feel like he has no right to have input into my "personal stuff". Weight loss, how I spend my free time, etc. For example, I recently discovered that while I spent our time after the kids were in bed reading while he was watching tv, he felt the distance and wanted attention, but felt like he couldn't put a demand on me to pay attention to him. Weird and staying quiet was no way to get what he wanted, but he wasn't exactly rational.
Nothing shuts my hubby up more than the subject of my weight. First, the problem is that he isn't as affected by it as I am. I gained 20 pounds after we were married before he noticed the gain to the same extent that I noticed it at 5 to 10 pounds gained. On the flip side. He notices the losses slower too.
Second, he knows weight is an emotional issue for me and men and emotions and my hubby are an uncomfortable combination. When he's uncomfortable he says nothing.

Boiling it down:
1. Weight loss is individual and (if you learn from my recent posts and struggles) your joy should be shared with others, but shouldn't depend on others to keep it alight.

2. Men need detailed instructions on how to show support and exactly what support looks like.

3. Relationship baggage show up in many different areas. Perhaps work on the weight as a personal thing for now until your hubby is secure in your bond enough to support you in the ways that you tell him to support you later? Just shooting for a possible suggestion for you that could possibly help. I could be way off.

of course all of these things are individual and your circumstances may be different from mine. Though, I home that something I've said helps you.

[berryblondeboys]

I haven't had a chance to 'talk' with my husband yet, but I am feeling more support. Like, I just ordered a heart rate monitor and foot pod. I didn't ask for approval of the purchase, just did it as I need one (my old one of 12 years died). Normally, before making a purchase over $100 we discuss it of "do we need it or not" if it's a 'want' versus need. He saw the charge, asked what it was for and I said for a new heart rate monitor and his response was, "Ok, I'll put that down under fitness expenses." If that was for clothes or makeup or something for the house, I would have some 'splainin' to do, but he obviously felt that was a needed expense.

And he's not that controlling... we are just stretched a bit financially after remodeling our house last year and are trying to figure out our budget needs/wants so we keep on track. So... THAT showed support. I didn't have to debate with him it's importance... So again, actions speak volumes, right?

[LindseyLou]

Berry,
I'm sorry to hear that your husband isn't as supportive as you'd like him to be. He sounds a bit like my husband, at least when I first started. My husband told me he was worried about my health and I knew that he probably wasn't liking the way I looked, although he never out right said it. I never got comments on how "good" or "beautiful" I looked either.

I agree with the other ladies in saying that it's your responsibility to take on the emotional support. I honestly think if you can do this "alone" so to speak you will start hearing the comments. My husband would never really comment on the fact I lost 5 or 10 or 15 pounds. And he might ask the occasional "is that on your plan?" question. BUT, I think he saw how much drive I had, how much determination and then I started getting the comments. I think he respected me for doing it alone and not giving up. He comments on how little I look (though I think he might be crazy), I get comments on my rear end, and the "you're lookin' good." I love it! It makes me feel good to see that he SEES the changes in my body and the hard work I've put in. I really think you taking on weight loss on your own and not depending on him for support will show your determination and how strong you are and I think that will get you comments/support. I think men like when women are strong and confident!

I think if you feel you must have his support, you are going to have to spell it out like the other ladies said. Men don't like guessing what we want/need. I think they try to avoid that!

[kittycarlson]

I've been thinking since yesterday about your posts. My husband rarely says anything about anything. This fall after I had lost about forty LBS he said How much weight have you lost anyway? That made me feel good. Deprivation I guess. I went shopping to a nice plus size consignment store and bought hundreds of dollars worth of new clothes. He actually watched me try them all on and made comments about which ones he liked the best and would say "That looks really nice, I like it better than xyz." I didn't ask permission either. When I said I bought a bunch of new clothes that fit he said "good". Like I said before I believe he is supportive but doesn't show it much at all.

[astrophe]

I have not read all the replies. But why not just print the original post and hand it over for him to read?

Tell him how you want support and don't want support, and then move on to the business of doing what you gotta do.

A.

[Shrinkmfs]

I have to hand it to my hubby-when i had gained alot of weight I asked him"DO you still love me?" and he said" Of course. Love is not a number on the scale -it is a feeling in your heart". Now that is encouraging.Around that time (about 10 years ago) I decided to start exercising and I have kept with it. Twenty pounds lighter now and about 15 more to go..

[ThinningVegan]

I think that if you want him to show more support than you have to take the good with the bad. Telling someone you want them involved means they are going to say things that sometimes are helpful and sometimes are not so helpful. In that persons mind they probably think everything they are doing is positive (like the bacon comment) You can't expect someone to be involved and say ONLY the right things all of the time.

From my personal experience with my own husband, I think if you stick to it on your own and show that you are capable and keep going, he will see that and he will notice. How many times have you tried to lose weight before and failed? I know with me, I've tried and gave up so many times during my marriage that right now my husband is probably just sitting on the sidelines waiting to see if this is for real.

I know my husband loves me and supports me though he is a quiet one also. He is also on board with a healthier lifestyle but for him it's because he wants to be healthy and bulk up. I tell him all the time how proud I am of him for drinking more water, getting up extra early to workout, etc. He asks me when he comes home if I have worked out and I can tell you in the past when he would do that and I wasn't really giving it my all, I would get defensive and upset at him. I think that when we embark on this kind of a journey there are so many ups and downs and mixed signals sent out. That's why I totally agree that it is important for you to do this on your own. Husbands, friends, etc. are just not going to notice everything we want them to, and they are not going to say everything we want them to. OH WELL! Do it anyway, do it for YOU.

I wish sometimes my husband would be more excited over what I am doing but then I think to myself, what I am doing now is not really any different than what I did before so why should he be excited? I know that when I start dropping significant pounds and he sees that I really am doing this for myself, his excitement will grow. He has never said that he does not love me or my weight affects him from an attractiveness perspective, but I do know that my weight affects him in other ways. He wants me to be healthy, happy, confident, energetic, and improve my self esteem. That will all come with this journey I am on, but to expect his words to keep me going just simply won't do.

It's your OWN words that will keep you going. Be your own motivator, tell yourself you love yourself.

[Katydid77]

I think you should try to look at this the other way.

IF he isn't the type to make comments now, he surely will when the results start being more noticeable and visual. Make your motivation to be to MAKE him so astounded that he does say something!!

Obviously he is supportive in his own way, but he's been dissapointed before. Remember you spent months, if not years, mentally preparing yourself for this lifestyle change and to make this commitment. He is just at the beginning on this journey, give him a little time to catch up.

[cammieb]

I didn't read all the replies, but I don't think you can have it both ways. My fiancée will support me completely by letting me buy expensive fitness equipment (i.e. bodybugg, weighted vest, etc), watching baby so I can work out, etc, but that means I also get to hear about how I shouldn't be eating x or y if I'm trying to lose weight, how I need to exercise more, etc. He's a Marine so I know when he's giving me fitness advice, he means it well because he's experienced it first hand, but sometimes I still feel the sting of criticism, I take it as he cares and brush it off.

I think maybe your hubby is afraid to say anything at all because of the bacon incident. Or maybe he just doesn't know what to do. I'd just tell him exactly what you want. Tell him you're serious about losing weight and would like his support. If you don't want him to do something, tell him that too. I told my fiancée to leave me alone if I'm eating a piece of cake or something because I have already planned it into my diet plan. Now he knows not to say anything if I'm enjoying a treat.

[lajpr]

Wow, I'm really glad you posted this. Because our significant others can really have a big impact on our eating choices and our exercising routines. I also despise little comments on food choices. It does hurt when someone doesn't approve of what you are doing. And it would be great if we all had someone rooting us on. And to top it all off, it can't be easy living with your mother in law.

I wish you the best of luck, we've all probably been in this situation before. And I just want you to know you've got someone out there rooting for you.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by lajpr

Wow, I'm really glad you posted this. Because our significant others can really have a big impact on our eating choices and our exercising routines. I also despise little comments on food choices. It does hurt when someone doesn't approve of what you are doing. And it would be great if we all had someone rooting us on. And to top it all off, it can't be easy living with your mother in law.

I wish you the best of luck, we've all probably been in this situation before. And I just want you to know you've got someone out there rooting for you.

I hate living with my mother in law. I always knew it was coming. She moved to the US to be near us. My husband is an only child and when we were moving last year (job change for DH), we had the 'talk' as it made no sense to buy a house that wouldn't work for her too as she's getting older, her health isn't great - bad osteoperosis and her brain is well....getty scary. I always knew it was coming, but it's been HARD. She has her own bedroom, living room and bathroom on the main level. We share the dining, kitchen and basement storage areas. Our bedrooms, study and family room are upstairs. It's a big house, but not big enough!

She's never had a weight problem in her life, so she's always been VERY critical. Even now when I say I simply CANNOT have simple carbs because of blood sugar issues, she'll say, "oh, a little won't hurt. People who have diabetes still eat these things" Yes, and have to do insulin - no thank you!

Fortunately, Dh is on my side of support, but yes, she's a PILL to live with and I'm still adjusting (it's been a bit over a year). Never thought I would be doing all the cooking and cleaning of the kitchen. Until TODAY, I've been doing her laundry too as she would wash like 3 pairs of pants ONLY when there was a pile a mile high of 'our stuff' next to the washer. She's a selfish, self-centered piece of work... Ah, rant is over!

My husband, I think, is beginning to get on board with this. I came up and told him that I had eliminated all the slow songs on the wii game (Walk It Out) and he blew me off. Later he came in and asked, "So, how was your work-out?" I must have caught him in the middle of something before. I think when he sees my motivation continuing, and the pant size dropping, he'll 'believe' more.

[berryblondeboys]

Originally Posted by Katydid77

Obviously he is supportive in his own way, but he's been dissapointed before. Remember you spent months, if not years, mentally preparing yourself for this lifestyle change and to make this commitment. He is just at the beginning on this journey, give him a little time to catch up.

This is SOOOOO TRUE. I have spent YEARS getting ready for this. I got so scared/unsure of myself when I gained back all the weight the last time I tried. I've really only tried once FOR REAL, and once I started, but then life was way too busy and difficult at the time to sustain anything serious. But, it's true. In my head I have been working on all the baby steps to get there for years. YEARS! He doesn't know that. He probably isn't really aware of the little changes I've made over the years and he's definitely not aware of all the 'discussions' with myself I've had in my head for eons. For him, this is "She got scared at the doctor's office and so she's working on it for this month out of fear. It probably won't last...and then a little voice in his head, but maybe it will?"

[Thighs Be Gone]

Originally Posted by Shmead

Your husband is a wise man. You've gotta find a way to do this without him. Dependence is way, way more unattractive than fat.

See, what you are accidentally doing is trying to make your weight his responsibility. That way, if you fail, it's also his fault, so he can't blame you. But it just doesn't work that. Eating is the one thing that is really only under our own control. Two year olds get this and refuse to eat to show their independence. Eating disorders are rooted in control issues.

You can ask him for practical help: take over the grocery shopping or cooking, watch the kids when you exercise, not keep brownies in the house--but he can't be emotional support. That's gotta come from within.

I have also been married 18 years and yes, ultimately I know my husband loves me and his reaction to my weight through the years could be discussed for days to come. I do however, completely agree with the post overhead. When I began my journey, I didn't tell mine at all this time. About thirty pounds down he said, "you are looking thinner." I acted surprised and said, "am I?" I really do get THIS IS all about ME. It really has nothing to do with anything or anyone else. I did however, put myself at the very tip top of the list though--for a change. Once I committed to the proper foods, exercise and proper sleep and caring of myself I let nothing and no one come before it.

Don't look for him to give you what you need. Get it and GIVE IT to yourself!

Hey, also wanted to mention to you BRAVO for getting your sleep under control. I think this has been SO important to me personally. My sleep habits were a wreck. I would stay up late and pile my plate high and then surf on the internet. For years! I realize now it was probably when I did the most damage to my body.