So these last 4 1/2 months after having a baby I have been doing pretty well with getting the baby weight off. This past week I have been told that my weight loss is really starting to show.
Last night, my MIL told me that I was looking skinny and that I looked good. I was afraid she would bring it up. In the past, she has told me I shouldn't lose anymore weight and that anymore was too much. That was so untrue. I was still considered overweight. Somewhow though, I fell off the wagon. Last night she also warned me not to lose too much too quickly. So far I have lost about 35 lbs in 4 1/2 months. I just told her I have been cutting out the sweets. I have never discussed losing weight with her since the last time.
My in-laws are not healthy eaters by any means. My MIL hates almost every type of veggie because she was forced to eat it growing up. She never fed her kids any greens, so now they're very picky eaters and don't like good, healthy foods.
Every night they have dessert. Everytime Im over I say no thanks when they offer. Tonight though, I felt as if I was trying to be sabataged. I was offered dessert, and politely declined. Then, as I was leaving she asked if I was sure I didn't want some dessert for a snack later tonight. Again, no thanks.
Im just irritated now. She knows now, because I told her last night, that I was trying to cut out the sweets. Im just afraid Im going to end up hearing unwanted and unneeded advice. Im afraid she will be constantly trying to get me to eat the bad foods.
Luckily, this fueled me enough to get my work out in tonight, since I couldn't today! I just don't get why she cares at all about me being healthier and losing weight. Im not telling them they're making bad choices and not working out enough. Any advice how to handle this?
Sorry if that was kinda long.
I hate to hear this situation arise with yet another woman who's doing such a good job with her health. It sounds like sabotage, both perceived and real, is a major problem in the weightloss community.
I would talk honestly with your MIL about your health philosophy. Remind her that she doesn't have to agree with you or change anything about her life, but that for your physical and mental health, you have to take these steps. Science backs you up.
She may be family now, but I don't think you owe anything to someone who's trying to mess you up. Be firm but kind about educating her in your lifestyle and then get on your merry way. You're doing a great job, her opinions be damned.
I hate to hear this situation arise with yet another woman who's doing such a good job with her health. It sounds like sabotage, both perceived and real, is a major problem in the weightloss community.
I would talk honestly with your MIL about your health philosophy. Remind her that she doesn't have to agree with you or change anything about her life, but that for your physical and mental health, you have to take these steps. Science backs you up.
She may be family now, but I don't think you owe anything to someone who's trying to mess you up. Be firm but kind about educating her in your lifestyle and then get on your merry way. You're doing a great job, her opinions be damned.
That's good advice. In the past, I would have just kind of stopped working out and eat the bad foods, especially at her house. Now I am seeing her do this and it's just fueling the fire even more to lose weight. I am though, still nervous she will want to discuss it with me. My MIL and I have had some major issues with one another in the past. She is more stubborn than my DH and it's hard talking to her. But I will try to let her know how I feel if she continues.
The first thing I always think when I hear of something like this is that YOU eating well and having the discipline to say no to dessert holds a mirror up to the person and makes them uncomfortably aware that THEY do not. If she can talk you into eating a piece, then she doesn't feel at all bad about what SHE'S eating. Lots and lots of people aren't in a place where they can start to make changes, and those of us who are are an unpleasant reminder of their own failure or lack of trying. Just MHO, of course.
Depending on the types of people you are you could either say "My weight is not open for discussion." Then smile and change the subject.
or "Thank you for your concern, my doctor's advice is what I'm following. I realized that if I tried to address the concerns of everyone else I'd be doing 87 different things." Then change the subject.
Or "Mmmm hmmm. Speaking of weight, how much do you weigh? I think you are getting too heavy. What are you eating? You shouldn't gain anymore. You are looking too fat. It's not healthy. Here have a vegetable. Just eat it. One won't kill you. I made these just for you. Look everyone else is eating them, why won't you?"
I wrote something about the saboteurs in my life this week end about the constant comments, the way they try to push food down my throat but after thinking about it a little more I realised that they were the same way before I started loosing weight. The only thing that change is my answer.
Before I would cave in and could always blame them for saying yes but the truth is that I was the one lacking controle I wanted the food. Now I can blame them also if I cave in since they keep insisting. The reality is different it is my weight and I am fully accountable for the choices I make, those are my temptations and I must face them, same at the store, same when choosing food at the restaurant or at home.
People surrounding me do not need to adapt to my weight loss, it is my decision to lose weight and even if they are overweight and eat unhealthy it is there choice. So after a few days of thinking on the subject I decided to just say: no thank you and not to justify my answer and change the subject if they start talking about my diet.
Or "Mmmm hmmm. Speaking of weight, how much do you weigh? I think you are getting too heavy. What are you eating? You shouldn't gain anymore. You are looking too fat. It's not healthy. Here have a vegetable. Just eat it. One won't kill you. I made these just for you. Look everyone else is eating them, why won't you?"
That cracked me up! I wish I could say that just for the reaction, really. I don't have the guts!
And Shannonmb, yes that makes a lot of sense that maybe they see that they should be making healthier changes and she wants me to cave in so she doesn't feel bad about it.
Part of me thinks there is a control issue here. Actually, all of me thinks that now. I was thinking about it..she has always needed control in her sons life, and now our life. She has had a lot of control, and I saw the need for that while planning our wedding. I really saw it when she went crazy over a middle name we did not want for our child. And she freaked about it while I was in labor. It was a horrible experience. That's a whole different thread though...
But I have a feeling she wants some control over this. I can't explain why THIS certain thing, but I have a feeling.
Try to relax and just keep doing what you are doing.
She's trying to make you be an "extra kid" because you married her son and he's always been one of the kids. But neither of you are kids any more, you are adults.
I had to go through this with my MIL and my parents too. I try to be understanding about it being hard to mentally move yourself out of the "Mom & Dad" box and over into the "Grandma & Grandad" box. Elders need to still feel needed. At the same time, I need to live my life like I want to live my life. Not for other people!
All you have to do is say "Oh, that's so nice of you! I love that you care about me! But really, I'm good for now. Thanks!"
Or if she brings up dessert for the road... "Thanks! I appreciate you thinking of me!" and then "forget" it at her house or take it and promptly chuck it at your house.
Don't make it bigger than it is, stick to your guns smiling all the way, and eventually they will get used to it and give it up.
If you have to get firm about something, do. I had to tell my Dad I would NOT discuss my weight or PCOS with him and if he brought it up, I was going home. It only took one visit where I walked in, stayed for 5 min, and walked right back out and went home. My mom was in the shower and never even saw me that week. She called me up and asked what happened and I said "Nothing. I'm not mad or anything. I'll come see you next week like usual. But I mean it --- I'm not talking about PCOS or my weight with Dad or you and if anyone brings it up after I've already nicely asked for people to mind their own business, I'm just going home. It isn't up for discussion."
There will always be food tossed in your face, as long as you live. Commercials, people, internet, ads, magazines, books, games... You name it, food is probably involved. It does seem very sabotaging, but even with people, it doesn't have to be.
I used to HATE the fact that my husband would order pizza late at night and eat it in front of me. Or that we'd go out to eat and he'd order fried food and keep offering me bites. He'd make comments like, "You can't just AVOID good food. This is how food SHOULD be..." and stuff like that. I would cave, eat, and hate it even more. Then someone on here (Jayell, perhaps? I don't remember) pointed out that under NO circumstances do I HAVE to eat it. I have total ability to say no. Whether or not I eat has to do with ME, not them. So basically, I realized that I am the one sabotaging. I'm the one deciding to eat. I'm the one saying, "Sure, I'll have dessert!" and then later, when I regret it, I made up excuses about how so and so sabotaged me by offering it. It's total BS, to be honest. That was how I didn't accept responsibility. Once I decided to stop looking at is as THEM sabotaging me, and looking at it like I am the one with the power, it made everything more bearable. I just stuck to my guns, politely refusing the things I didn't want to eat, simply telling them I didn't want any. I didn't bring weight into it, I just said I didn't want any. If they pressed, which they do, I just said I wasn't in the mood for the food item, and if I want something later, I will have something of my choice.
I wrote something about the saboteurs in my life this week end about the constant comments, the way they try to push food down my throat but after thinking about it a little more I realised that they were the same way before I started loosing weight. The only thing that change is my answer.
Before I would cave in and could always blame them for saying yes but the truth is that I was the one lacking controle I wanted the food. Now I can blame them also if I cave in since they keep insisting. The reality is different it is my weight and I am fully accountable for the choices I make, those are my temptations and I must face them, same at the store, same when choosing food at the restaurant or at home.
People surrounding me do not need to adapt to my weight loss, it is my decision to lose weight and even if they are overweight and eat unhealthy it is there choice. So after a few days of thinking on the subject I decided to just say: no thank you and not to justify my answer and change the subject if they start talking about my diet.
^ that
just say you aren't hungry. It's hard to argue with that.
I think you must be projecting something onto your mother-in-law that isn't there, or you are not telling us the whole story. I say that because this is what I see in your post.
MIL at dinner table: Would you like some dessert?
You: No, thanks.
MIL some time later as you are leaving: Oh, are you sure you don't want some dessert to take with you?
You: No, thanks.
Is that really all there was? Because that is not sabotage - it's just hospitality. Unless there is a lot more that you are not telling us in this post, some kind of history of much more subversive and disrespectful behavior on her part, or more to the exchange than you've shared here, it looks to me like you are overreacting to simple kindness and hospitality.
You can't force people not to offer you dessert. All you can do is say "no, thank you." If that polite firmness is not respected, then you might have a problem that needs discussion. But from what you've said here, you just said no, thank you, and that was the end of it. So, what's the problem, exactly?
I think you must be projecting something onto your mother-in-law that isn't there, or you are not telling us the whole story. I say that because this is what I see in your post.
MIL at dinner table: Would you like some dessert?
You: No, thanks.
MIL some time later as you are leaving: Oh, are you sure you don't want some dessert to take with you?
You: No, thanks.
Is that really all there was? Because that is not sabotage - it's just hospitality. Unless there is a lot more that you are not telling us in this post, some kind of history of much more subversive and disrespectful behavior on her part, or more to the exchange than you've shared here, it looks to me like you are overreacting to simple kindness and hospitality.
You can't force people not to offer you dessert. All you can do is say "no, thank you." If that polite firmness is not respected, then you might have a problem that needs discussion. But from what you've said here, you just said no, thank you, and that was the end of it. So, what's the problem, exactly?
yes, as i stated a few replies down, there has been major issues between us. There is a negative history there.
The main problem is that I know sooner or later she will start trying to discuss how Im being unhealthy when I am healthy, since I will continue to lose weight, like shes done in the past. Im afraid she will continue. In the past, it started with the food offers. Sorry if I didnt make that specific part more clear. It just has happened before. I wont let it happen again, though. And I now know seeing myself as the one who could accept the food would make it my fault. I guess Im just scared I might fall off the wagon again.
The thought of losing our battle with weight scares us all.
The thing is, YOU have the power over it.
Tonight was super hard for me. My husband brought home my number one trigger food, the food that has resulted in countless binges, something I practically can't say no to: Pizza Rolls. Not only that, he also bought my favorite candy bar. He told me he specifically bought them for me. I'll be honest, those damn Pizza Rolls were practically screaming my name from the oven. The smell was killing me, but I remembered my "mission" and it did NOT involve a single Pizza Roll. Let alone Pizza Rolls at 9:30 at night. So when he kept telling me they were ready, I said no. When he brought me a plate literally piled with them, I said no. (even though my mouth was watering like a fountain!) When he told me to eat just one, NO. When he waved the candy bar at me, NO. It was hard, but not nearly as hard as dealing with the aftermath. I realized later that he just wanted someone to eat with. He was feeling snacky, and even though we had both reaffirmed our dedication to eating healthy, he bought a bunch of frozen mini pizzas, pizza rolls and candy bars, hoping I would eat some with him so he didn't feel so guilty.
So again, people and their food issues cannot affect you, anymore than YOUR food issues can affect someone else. I can't tell my husband to stop eating late at night, or force him to eat late at night. That's up to him. It's up to me to make that choice for myself regardless of any outside influences or frivolous cravings.
Quit trying to sabatage me!!
This are your values, and they should be respected.
