WHY is this bothering me SO much?
 

First of all, Happy New Year to everyone here at 3FC.

I have something that has been bothering me for months and I need to type it out in the hopes that I can put it to rest (and maybe get some ideas about why this is bothering me so).

My oldest son fathered a baby girl when he was 17. The girl's parents ended up adopting the baby. Long story short, my son went into the Army and was stationed in Germany for 3 years. This was not a girlfriend, unfortunately one of those situations where they slept together and she got pregnant. He was not aware that she was pregnant until 2 months before she had the baby. She had already made arrangement for her parents to adopt the baby before we even knew anything about any of this.

My husband and I did not have the money to fight these people in court, however they have been very pleasant about letting me have visits with my granddaughter, of which I am extremely thankful. They have a lot of money and give her everything she will ever want or need.

My granddaughter was born Sept 2006. Since that time, we have seen her twice a month, every month. I always go to their home and pick her up for the day. "Alice", her Mom, is 45, I am 47. Alice has never been overweight. Athletic type, in great shape. I, of course, have ballooned up and shrunk down 10 times over the past 27 years. Alice has only ever seen me overweight, until recently.

I have lost 72 lbs. There is absolutely no way that she can't have noticed this. Especially since I only see her twice a month. She's not the type of person who doesn't notice things either. She comments on my hair, when I got a new car, my shoes, etc. I just absolutely cannot figure out why her lack of noticing my weight loss is bothering me so much. I know it seems petty and ridiculous and shallow, but it has been eating at me.

To make matters worse, she recently tagged a photo of me at my highest weight, holding my granddaughter and posted it on Facebook. She has never posted any photos of me, EVER. Also, she always calls me "granny" on FB. She is technically a granny as well, but whatever.

Every time I go over to pick up my granddaughter, I am always expecting her to say something to me (one way or the other) about my weight loss, and she never does.

What is wrong with me? Be gentle. j/k

People are often hesitant to comment on weight loss if they don't know it was intentional. After all, lots of things can precipitate weight loss, including health conditions, and people don't want to compliment a loss that may be inadvertent. I personally try never to talk about someone's weight unless I know they are making intentional changes, because I don't want to offend. So I'm guessing she's keeping mum because she's trying to be polite.

People don't say things for various reasons. I wouldn't let it bother you.

Just try to remember why you started your journey.... FOR YOU!

You know, this happened to me just this weekend. We had a gathering of friends to greet two friends visiting from across the country. Two of us who live in this area have both lost over 80 pounds! Two people...over 80 pounds each! And nothing was said. :dizzy: I was a bit put off myself, though at least I can take comfort that my friend wasn't noticed either. :rofl:

No advice...just empathy. ;) I'm not sure why it bothers me so much.

The fact that she posted a picture of you on FB at your highest weight when she had never posted pictures of you before should tell you that she definitely noticed your weight-loss. I wouldn't sweat it. She might have her own weight or image insecurities from the past or even now that are making her act that way towards you.

I agree with Mandalinn. There are many reasons that a person could let a major weight loss go unnoticed, and not all of them are petty. Some people are uncomfortable commenting because they're unsure if the loss was intentional, because saying "Wow, you look great!" implies that you didn't before at your higher weight, or just because they find it too personal a subject to discuss (hair, nails, clothes, etc. are fit for comment because they're things we choose, whereas body type isn't, to some people).

As for posting the picture of you and the baby at your highest weight, it's likely that she just thought it was a great picture of the baby. People who've been normal-sized all their lives don't fully "grok" how weighty a matter weight is for people who haven't; to them, a picture's a picture and they don't think any more deeply about which one they choose than that.

If she calls you "granny," what does she call herself? A lot of grandparents will choose up who's going to be "granny" and who's going to be "nana" or "maw-maw" or "grandma" or whatever.

She probably doesn't have a clue that any of these things are bothering you. I wouldn't assume malice where ignorance is likelier. :)

Well, if it were me, my reasons could be the following:

One, if you say: Wow, you look great! some people will automatically assume you thought they looked bad before.

Two, some people lose weight because they aren't well, even if they look okay. She may hesitate to say anything because - what if she said, "You look great, what's your secret?" and your response was "Chemotherapy." That would be awkward. YOU know it's not that, but she doesn't.

You might try saying something yourself about your efforts and how they correlate to enjoying your time with your granddaughter. Maybe something like, "I don't know if you noticed, but I've been losing some weight, and I'm sure enjoying being able to play and run around with my grandbaby!" That would tell her it's okay to talk about it.

Thank you for the responses ladies. It made me feel better (and a little petty) for bringing it up.

To Nola-she calls herself "mommy". It's an odd situation. Their daughter still lives with them as well and they have told my granddaughter that she is her sister.

I know what you mean....there have been a couple of people (my future sister-in-law most glaringly) who have not mentioned my weight loss. I don't need to hear it particularly, but their lack of mentioning it is very apparent. Oh well.....I feel awful da*n good, so it doesn't matter!;):D

Yeah, I think it's kind of hard for us to really have any clue why she might or might not be acting a certain way. We don't know her. I can see the possibility of both everyone else is saying being true. She might not want to say anything because she thinks it would be rude, or she might be jealous.

I think you should just be focused on your awesome accomplishment and not let her get to you so much. =)

I think you are both handling a complicated situation admirably and it would be hard for me (and probably unfair) to ascribe any number of possible motivations without knowing her.

It could be that she's just really busy and kinda sorta noticed but wasn't sure enough to say anything or didn't know what to say. It could be that she's completely overwhelmed with mothering a small child again while also dealing with her older child. It could be envy, could be cluelessness, but mainly I would just say to not place any negative motivation behind it. Mainly because however you define your relationship, she is not your "friend", she is the adoptive mother of your grandchild. And your continued steady, even relationship of being in the child's life is the most important thing (but you already know that!).

Congrats on the weight loss!

Originally Posted by milmin2043:
Thank you for the responses ladies. It made me feel better (and a little petty) for bringing it up.

To Nola-she calls herself "mommy". It's an odd situation. Their daughter still lives with them as well and they have told my granddaughter that she is her sister.

Honestly, if she adopted the child then it is her daughter. Although I don't think this is as common these days, a similar thing happened in my family 50 years ago and from what I know, it wasn't all that uncommon many years ago.

I agree it is odd that she could have not noticed.

someone once said that unless we wish for someone to comment with the pounds we gain, we should not look to others to notice the pounds lost. Although this journey is a challenge to us, others do not always understand. nor can we expect them to. I try to remember this and it is hard. I enjoy hearing that someone has noticed that I have lost weight. However, I have to remind myself that I am making changes for myself.

Hang in there. You have to know you have done fantastic work to be down 72 lbs. Don't let anyone's words, or lack of them, make it feel less of an accomplishment.

It sounds weird, but some people who have been normal weight or slim their entire lives just do not notice other's weights like most people. Until I noticed that I had gained in my twenties, I did not notice other people's weights or fluctuations.

I distinctly remember, in high school, girls speaking of others or themselves losing weight, and I had no idea that anyone looked any different. Even now, I don't typically notice other people's weights.

Honestly, unless it was someone I was very, very close to (like 4 people off the top of my head) I wouldn't comment or compliment someone on their weightloss unless they brought it up. While I love having people notice when I lose, I have seen just as many people on here offended by an offhanded "wow! you look great!" that I've decided to keep my comments ot myself from here on out.

She may be in the same boat.

Originally Posted by milmin2043:
Thank you for the responses ladies. It made me feel better (and a little petty) for bringing it up.

To Nola-she calls herself "mommy". It's an odd situation. Their daughter still lives with them as well and they have told my granddaughter that she is her sister.

Ah, I see! Yeah, if she's being raised by her other grandma as her adoptive mother and with her birth-mother as her sister, then I see that she is "mommy" despite being "granny" genetically.

I don't think it's petty of you to feel a little put out about her not mentioning your weight loss. You've made a huge and overwhelmingly positive change in your life; of course you want to get some feedback about it from others. Sometimes other people are just oblivious or just don't get how meaningful and hard-fought weight loss really is. Not their fault and not yours--and neither side is petty for it.

How terrific it is for the kiddo that she has so much love surrounding her; for a lot of kids born into complex family situations, that isn't the case. She's a very lucky little girl to have such a loving family. :)

Count me in on the just being cautious bandwagon. In my life, there are people who didn't say a word to me about my weight loss, but who asked my husband if I were sick or some such. I appreciate the fact that they were trying to be sensitive and not wanting to say something that could possibly hurt my feelings. I'm inclined to give "Alice" the benefit of the doubt here. But I understand, it's hard not to let people's lack of commenting bother us, as it's so visual and good feedback from others is a good motivator to keep going! Either way, know that 72 pounds is awesome, and I bet you'll reach your goal before you know it!

Originally Posted by :
How terrific it is for the kiddo that she has so much love surrounding her; for a lot of kids born into complex family situations, that isn't the case. She's a very lucky little girl to have such a loving family.

So much this. :)

You are an awesome grandmother btw :)

Thank you again ladies. I know that this is truly petty, and that's why I love 3FC. I knew that I could come here and type out my rant, thus making me feel better, and not get a bunch of judgemental crapola about it.

When I look at it psychologically, I think the reason it has bothered me so much is because she has always been slim and athletic and not noticed, if you know what I mean?

Hubby is actually the one who brought it to my attention a few months ago when I had already lost more than 50 lbs. He always goes with me to pick up our little love and he wondered if Alice had ever said anything to me about my weight loss. I realized that she is the only person I see on a regular basis who hasn't said anything. Heck, even my neurosurgeon, who I hadn't seen in 18 months was shocked.

Funny thing, the other day my youngest son's friend was here (we've known him for a few years). My son was telling me that later in the car with his friend he was talking to him about stuff and said "doesn't my Mom look different?" His friend said "that was your Mom?....I swear I wasn't trying to be rude, I just didn't know who that was." That cracked me up.

I'm not an attention hound, honestly I'm not. Not that there's anything wrong with you if you are. A little attention is a great motivator for continued weight loss. So, that's why I've been thrown off about why this insignificant little problem keeps sneaking back into my thoughts.

Thank you also for the comments about my granddaughter and our situation. It was a difficult situation and my son is not in her life (and unfortunately, not ours much either), but our gd is the love of our lives and we think she's as close to perfect as anyone could ever be. :)

Thanks again all of you lovely chickies!

I agree with mandalinn, she may be fearful of saying the wrong thing. I never comment on someones weight loss unless I am positive they have been on a diet. I , also never ask anyone if they are pregnant, unless they are on the way to the delivery room, even then I want to see them come out with a baby.

PS ,Jack Nicholson was already a big movie star when he learned his "Sister" was actually his "Mother" and his"Mother" was actually his "Grandmother".

First of all, congratulations on your weight loss!

Honestly, at first blush I'd probably read into her actions as well. She could have weird insecurities about weight, being perfect and the like. Or she could be unobservant, or like others have said not wanting to comment for fear your "secret" is chemotherapy! That would be awfully awkward!

I would give her the benefit of the doubt, that's the easiest thing to do. Assume she has nothing but the best of sentiments towards you until she proves otherwise. That way, you're not prone to making any snarky comments (which would only make YOU look bad).

Are you "friends" with her on facebook? I'd probably post a "skinny" photo of myself as my main profile pic, and then leave a note on the photo she posted (something benign, like "what a happy day this was for me!") so when people see the bad picture they will immediately see your "skinny" photo in the comments. LOL.

That's funny what your son's friend said. I hope my appearance doesn't change significantly, but that would be kind of great to lose so much that someone doesn't even recognize me. ;)

:whoo: WHEW! :whoo: MILMIN :hug:

Now aren't you glad you got that off your chest!? :yes:
Sure, we all want to be noticed for the weight losses, the stop-smoking, the good deeds we do....not always noticed by others...BUT...that doesn't take away from the fact that the "deeds" were done :no:

Here is what is important ~

#1 ~ You have time with your granddaughter :)

#2 ~ They call you and acknowledge "granny" and not Mrs. So & SO

#3 ~ You lost the weight :carrot:

:cheer3: Rock on GRANNY rock on! :cheer3:

Maybe it's time to take a bunch of new photos with your granddaughter and post them on facebook :)

Also- can you untag yourself from the photos?

Actually I am Facebook friends with her. She knows that I have been losing weight with sensible diet and exercise as many other people have asked me about my weightloss on FB.

This is a small resolution for me, to let this go and not let it take up any more room in my thoughts.

She's jealous!

I've noticed from being around here there are just as many people who are offended by someone telling them they look great as their are people who are happy to hear it. Maybe the last person she commented on spat in her face or something :lol:

I totally understand how someone not mentioning your weightloss can be bothersome. I posted before and after pics of my first month weightloss and pretty much everyone but my mother has commented on it and that is very hurtful. I'm thinking that she is just jealous. Especially since she posted that pic of you at your heaviest. That sounds purposely done. Anywho let's not let anyone still the joy that you should have for kicking a** and losing so much weight!!

LOL @cherrypie!
Stacy-
a friend of mine suggested that it may have been easier for her to think of herself as "mom" when I was the big, fat, frumpy "grandma". Now the lines are more blurred since we are only 2 years apart and much closer in weight??
No matter I guess. I don't wish to appear ungrateful for the fact that she has allowed me to see my gd when she wouldn't have to. Grandparents actually have few rights when it comes to things like this.
Another funny little tidbit...we were in Target last weekend and I was pushing my gd in the cart. I bent over to get the coffee I needed off the bottom shelf. She said "grandma, I'm not going to lie, you used to have a big butt, but now you don't".

Out of the mouths of babes....hilarious!

Thank you Bad. I understand your feelings, especially with it being your mom. Sometimes family members can hurt us the most. (((hugs for you!!))