I was so embarassed... for her?
 

So, my weight loss journey began when I saw a picture of myself at a Memorial Day gathering posted on FB and I realized how big I was. There was a woman "Carol" at the same gathering who was bigger than me in my own head. When I saw the picture I realized the only thing bigger than me was my imagination.

Flash forward to NYE. Ive lost 73 lbs and been working out. Everyone knows this. So we are all doing Just Dance and I am kinda terrible at it but Im moving and sweating and laughing my butt off. Then there was a very workout tape dance move and someone shouted that I knew this move and I was like "Yeah I think its on Jillian's 30 day shred! :lol:" When I said that "Carol" who was sitting on the couch and not dancing said "I heard that she was getting sued for that because its like really unsafe" (*** I have no idea if this is true or not, I have no feeling about it really)

I was just kind of like... Oh. Well it works! :D and laughed about it. She went on to say that she would never do something so harmful to her body just to fit in to a stereotype of being beautiful. She was making me feel really small and ashamed for being actively working towards being a SMALLER person but having VERY RECENTLY been the largest person in the room, like she was that night, I was not about to retort with something about overeating being just as harmful because I didnt want to hurt her feelings.

It was a strange moment in the evening. We kept dancing and it passed with no problem but obviously its still weighing on me.

I have never in my life been a workout/eat healthy person until now. I struggle with it every.single.day. I used to just play the too cool to care card. (because, lets face it girls, Im reallyreally cool. ;)) I felt a little embarrassed and uncool for a minute, trying to be some fit healthy person. Then I felt embarrassed for my old self. Because everyone can see through that too cool card and they just feel a little sorry for you and dont want to hurt your feelings. :(

Just wanted to share.

Don't take it personally. From the sounds of it, she was feeling insecure with herself. I find it funny that she says she would never do something that harmful to her body, yet she is apparently overweight and acts as though she doesn't care. That is more harmful to the body than any dance move. She is the one trying to play it cool- and failing miserably. Don't give her a second thought.

Very astute, Jonesie. Once you've become fit and active, it's hard to curb the enthusiasm. You were so right to keep the retorts to yourself, and just let the visual do the talking.

I always wonder when people do as "Carol" did, if they are aware of how transparent their attitude is. At anytime health, weight, exercise or whatever comes up and I'm the biggest one in the room, I am completely open and honest about my poor choices and I will give others praise who are trying to be healthier. I feel that if we are going to make poor choices and we are aware of the consequences (over eating, not exercising, smoking, ect) the least we can do is own it.

Why?

Because 99.9999% of the time everyone can see the denial and shame behind making exuses for our lifestyles, just like "Carol".

Try not to let it get to you, and be proud that you didn't take the opportunity to point out how silly her logical was and how she was really harming herself being so over weight. It would have been very tempting to do that, but relly it would have accomplished nothing. If she is in that much denial, you're probably not going to change her point of view.

It was kind and really "big" of you not to say the obvious retort about her obesity being harmful. As you know, it would have hurt and embarrassed her, just like it would have hurt you last year. Its better to talk to her privately if you choose to do so, but the public stuff wouldn't have been helpful at all.
Its hard when people say things that are hurtful to not hurt back. So no reason to be concerned about it, because you did the right thing.
Hold your head high.

Yeah, I'm impressed with how you handled it. I think I had a little bit of "Carol" in me, but silently. I'd never have said those things aloud, but those were the words I'd tell myself.

I love that you danced even though you're not particularly comfortable with it! :D I need to do this!

btw jillian michaels was getting sued (or well, at least getting flack from other personal trainers/fitness experts) for her kettlebell workout being unsafe, not the 30DS. so just add that to the list of things your friend was wrong about that night.

I'm impressed as well with how you handled yourself! Way to go. It is sad about this Carol, who knows if she'll ever get out of her head. But for sure you saying something snotty would have only made her feel even worse about herself, and you would have felt bad about yourself for saying it! So good job, way to rise above the pettiness!

And great job on losing so much!!

I agree. I thought you were very cool for having had the empathy and self reflection. You don't have to feel embarrassed for your old self. She's been through a lot and come a long way :)

I agree that you should be commended for taking the high road. I mean, haven't we all been there at some point and time? It's been almost 7 years since I turned it around and that feeling of trying to fool everyone (but mostly myself) is still fresh in my mind. It comes from a place where you just feel eternally helpless and seeing someone who somehow figured it out only compounded that feeling for me. I hope Carol is able to find a way someday.

Wow, "Carol" is a bitter, nasty jerk who's never read a Miss Manners column. I've known her ilk before. It's great that you didn't call her on her bovine waste matter because she's undoubtedly the sort who'd get all huffy and claim that "I only said it out of concern for YOU!" (which of course she didn't, because if there were any genuine concern in her for other people, she'd have spoken privately and not cawed it out aloud for the entire party to hear).

I know what you mean about playing the "cool card," but she wasn't doing that; she was playing the "rude miserable hag" card. Somehow I doubt that you were ever in her shoes; rude miserable hags come in all sizes. I wouldn't let it weigh on you, nor would I feel sorry for her; the cross she bears isn't her extra pounds, it's her stank attitude and her socially questionable behavior.

I'm glad you didn't fall into the spider-lady's web and give her even more of a platform from which to make a public nuisance of herself.

I disagree Nola. I think a good majority of people who've battled weight have been "nasty hags" toward thinner, fitter people at some point in time, even if it was in the privacy of their own thoughts.

I think Carol thinks it is easier to point fingers at others, hoping that somehow people will look past her own perceived short comings. It's the last resort of a very insecure person. Even though we all know that no one is going to buy the fact that YOU are the more unhealthy one here.

I'd let it go. Carol will hopefully find her own way soon.

I'm not sure if she even meant to be mean. It sounds a little like she was feeling left out, too insecure and self-conscious to let other people see her dance, and wanted to contribute to the conversation - in an inappropriate way perhaps. I guess without hearing exactly how she said it, I'm not sure that she meant it rudely. Hopefully, she will work on getting healthier after seeing your success.

I think the key there is "in the privacy of their own thoughts," though. I'm definitely guilty as charged when it comes to thinking something nasty; I've had my share of uncharitable thoughts about both naturally thin people and about people who'd lost a good deal of weight while I was still sailing on that river in Egypt, so to speak. ;)

But it's one thing to think it and another entirely to shout it out--at a party, no less, with all sorts of people in attendance. Attempting to shame another person in public is unconscionably rude. Yes, it's possible--and in "Carol's" case, even likely--that the rudeness was an attempt to deflect attention from her own perceived flaws, but that doesn't make her behavior less egregiously bad.

I definitely see your point about being understanding of others' psychological pain or discomfort and agree that it should be let go; Jonesie handled the situation perfectly and I admire her grace and kindness. I'll still maintain, though, that it's incumbent not on everyone around "Carol" to excuse her rudeness because the miserable grump can't help it, but on "Carol" herself to have the self-discipline to stop doing the social equivalent of crapping in the punch-bowl.

Civilized people can have different takes on something without denigrating the opposing position or making another person feel small. Uncivilized people...well, they can just stay the heck away from parties. ;)

Good for you on taking the high road...I'm not sure I would have. Just let it go...she may be jealous and trying to justify why she is not exercising herself. I had quite a few experiences like that when I was losing weight, people saying that I was "obsessive" for counting my calories and weighing myself everyday, for example. Maybe I was "obsessive" (I don't think so) but I was also the only one losing any weight, and perhaps their own insecurity gave them the need to knock me down a peg and justify why they didn't exercise, etc.

Jonesie, I really admire how you handled that situation. To me, it just illustrates how much self-confidence you are gaining. Being able to SEE, in the heat of the moment, that she was obviously trying to make herself feel better by putting down your thoughts/feelings, and being able to have the confidence to KNOW that you no longer have to stoop to that level because you KNOW you are on the right track and have it going on!

I totally get what Nola is saying, but I do feel very sorry for Carol. I'm sure not having you as the "fatter friend", sitting on the couch with her, making her feel better about herself, was a little hard for her to take. I only hope that she can go home and quietly contemplate her own future -- and that she is not destined to be the fattest one in the room now that YOU are not. But of course that's up to her. I personally would be VERY inspired by you!!! ;)

WTG for taking the high road! Like others have said, nothing you would say at that point would change her mind or make her think differently.

I've been there too though....where you are still living in denial that you have a problem and look at others and find something wrong with what they did. I see my thoughts now with the pettiness and jealousy that they contained. Maybe one day Carol will have her eyes opened like so many of us here and realize that a healthy active lifestyle is better for her.

That is really awesome that you kept your cool. I cannot say I would have. I have a friend that dwells on jealousy (which what I am assuming our friend Carol there is experiencing) and I am so afraid of having to talk to her. I've only lost 10 lbs and she's making little smart comments of I refuse to starve myself or I am soooo happy with myself when no one is starving themselves and she is NOT happy with herself.
You did a wonderful job just going on with the night and that makes you a way better person than good ole Carol. :)

That's pretty impressive how you handled it because I probably would have mouthed off. Lol. But I have a big mouth. :X

But, I think she is probably just feeling unhappy with herself and seeing you be successful at weight loss shows that she could do it if she really tried and it was probably easier when you were at the same point that she was. She was probably insecure and even jealous of your success so I would let it go because you know that you are not harming your body, you are allowing yourself to have a longer and healthier life, nothing harmful about that :)

Also, I have done the 30 day shred and I can't see how it would be harmful. :p

WTG on taking the high road..I had a bit of a situation myself last night. I met another girl in a group that I went out with last night. She was a bit larger than me. She was a bit rude when she overheard me telling my husband that I needed to get back on track and starting following my food plan to a T now that the holidays are winding down. I wasn't even talking to her. I was talking to my husband. I found it a bit interesting how she reacted but remained friendly and polite. Meanwhile, she came to the bar that we were at with some kind of medical device hooked up to her that fed medicine into her arm and said it was for her liver since she is apparently having issues with her liver when someone else noticed it and inquired out of concern for her but yet she was drinking quite a bit last night. It didn't make sense to say the least. I would have thought if you were having liver issues the last thing you would want to do is drink. But each to their own! You can only make your own decisions and choices when you are ready to do things.

Great job letting the situation blow over. It sounds like she may be more of an acquaintance with mutual friends rather than a true friend of yours. If she hadn't seen you for a while she was probably counting on not being the largest person in the room. Maybe that was her "aha" moment and she'll be inspired to follow in your footsteps.

I think you handled it in a very good way.

I've been kind of going through a similar thing, I have a co-worker that just keeps riding me about my new weight loss journey and I haven't really been too open about it, but its hard to bit my tongue when she talks about it because it's like, I'm not just losing weight by doing nothing...I'm actually working at it.

For me this is kind of the dark size of "body size positivity", and it held ME back for very long. Yes, in one sense it's good to encourage people to feel OK with themselves at any size. But in some cases that turns into being down on people who decide they want to change themselves. I had to give up on one of the feminist-themed websites I followed because every time the subject of dieting or losing weight came up, it was never EVER seen as possibly trying to be healthy, instead it was either pathologically depriving yourself because of some mental issue, or buying in to conformist patriarchal conspiracies. Once in a while a commenter would suggest the site might consider hiring a writer who actually engaged in physical activity for fun or talked about vegetables as if they were a tasty part of a healthy diet. I might start reading again if they did that.