I was so embarassed... for her?
 

So, my weight loss journey began when I saw a picture of myself at a Memorial Day gathering posted on FB and I realized how big I was. There was a woman "Carol" at the same gathering who was bigger than me in my own head. When I saw the picture I realized the only thing bigger than me was my imagination.

Flash forward to NYE. Ive lost 73 lbs and been working out. Everyone knows this. So we are all doing Just Dance and I am kinda terrible at it but Im moving and sweating and laughing my butt off. Then there was a very workout tape dance move and someone shouted that I knew this move and I was like "Yeah I think its on Jillian's 30 day shred! :lol:" When I said that "Carol" who was sitting on the couch and not dancing said "I heard that she was getting sued for that because its like really unsafe" (*** I have no idea if this is true or not, I have no feeling about it really)

I was just kind of like... Oh. Well it works! :D and laughed about it. She went on to say that she would never do something so harmful to her body just to fit in to a stereotype of being beautiful. She was making me feel really small and ashamed for being actively working towards being a SMALLER person but having VERY RECENTLY been the largest person in the room, like she was that night, I was not about to retort with something about overeating being just as harmful because I didnt want to hurt her feelings.

It was a strange moment in the evening. We kept dancing and it passed with no problem but obviously its still weighing on me.

I have never in my life been a workout/eat healthy person until now. I struggle with it every.single.day. I used to just play the too cool to care card. (because, lets face it girls, Im reallyreally cool. ;)) I felt a little embarrassed and uncool for a minute, trying to be some fit healthy person. Then I felt embarrassed for my old self. Because everyone can see through that too cool card and they just feel a little sorry for you and dont want to hurt your feelings. :(

Just wanted to share.

Don't take it personally. From the sounds of it, she was feeling insecure with herself. I find it funny that she says she would never do something that harmful to her body, yet she is apparently overweight and acts as though she doesn't care. That is more harmful to the body than any dance move. She is the one trying to play it cool- and failing miserably. Don't give her a second thought.

Very astute, Jonesie. Once you've become fit and active, it's hard to curb the enthusiasm. You were so right to keep the retorts to yourself, and just let the visual do the talking.

I always wonder when people do as "Carol" did, if they are aware of how transparent their attitude is. At anytime health, weight, exercise or whatever comes up and I'm the biggest one in the room, I am completely open and honest about my poor choices and I will give others praise who are trying to be healthier. I feel that if we are going to make poor choices and we are aware of the consequences (over eating, not exercising, smoking, ect) the least we can do is own it.

Why?

Because 99.9999% of the time everyone can see the denial and shame behind making exuses for our lifestyles, just like "Carol".

Try not to let it get to you, and be proud that you didn't take the opportunity to point out how silly her logical was and how she was really harming herself being so over weight. It would have been very tempting to do that, but relly it would have accomplished nothing. If she is in that much denial, you're probably not going to change her point of view.

It was kind and really "big" of you not to say the obvious retort about her obesity being harmful. As you know, it would have hurt and embarrassed her, just like it would have hurt you last year. Its better to talk to her privately if you choose to do so, but the public stuff wouldn't have been helpful at all.
Its hard when people say things that are hurtful to not hurt back. So no reason to be concerned about it, because you did the right thing.
Hold your head high.

Yeah, I'm impressed with how you handled it. I think I had a little bit of "Carol" in me, but silently. I'd never have said those things aloud, but those were the words I'd tell myself.

I love that you danced even though you're not particularly comfortable with it! :D I need to do this!

btw jillian michaels was getting sued (or well, at least getting flack from other personal trainers/fitness experts) for her kettlebell workout being unsafe, not the 30DS. so just add that to the list of things your friend was wrong about that night.

I'm impressed as well with how you handled yourself! Way to go. It is sad about this Carol, who knows if she'll ever get out of her head. But for sure you saying something snotty would have only made her feel even worse about herself, and you would have felt bad about yourself for saying it! So good job, way to rise above the pettiness!

And great job on losing so much!!

I agree. I thought you were very cool for having had the empathy and self reflection. You don't have to feel embarrassed for your old self. She's been through a lot and come a long way :)

I agree that you should be commended for taking the high road. I mean, haven't we all been there at some point and time? It's been almost 7 years since I turned it around and that feeling of trying to fool everyone (but mostly myself) is still fresh in my mind. It comes from a place where you just feel eternally helpless and seeing someone who somehow figured it out only compounded that feeling for me. I hope Carol is able to find a way someday.

Wow, "Carol" is a bitter, nasty jerk who's never read a Miss Manners column. I've known her ilk before. It's great that you didn't call her on her bovine waste matter because she's undoubtedly the sort who'd get all huffy and claim that "I only said it out of concern for YOU!" (which of course she didn't, because if there were any genuine concern in her for other people, she'd have spoken privately and not cawed it out aloud for the entire party to hear).

I know what you mean about playing the "cool card," but she wasn't doing that; she was playing the "rude miserable hag" card. Somehow I doubt that you were ever in her shoes; rude miserable hags come in all sizes. I wouldn't let it weigh on you, nor would I feel sorry for her; the cross she bears isn't her extra pounds, it's her stank attitude and her socially questionable behavior.

I'm glad you didn't fall into the spider-lady's web and give her even more of a platform from which to make a public nuisance of herself.

I disagree Nola. I think a good majority of people who've battled weight have been "nasty hags" toward thinner, fitter people at some point in time, even if it was in the privacy of their own thoughts.

I think Carol thinks it is easier to point fingers at others, hoping that somehow people will look past her own perceived short comings. It's the last resort of a very insecure person. Even though we all know that no one is going to buy the fact that YOU are the more unhealthy one here.

I'd let it go. Carol will hopefully find her own way soon.

I'm not sure if she even meant to be mean. It sounds a little like she was feeling left out, too insecure and self-conscious to let other people see her dance, and wanted to contribute to the conversation - in an inappropriate way perhaps. I guess without hearing exactly how she said it, I'm not sure that she meant it rudely. Hopefully, she will work on getting healthier after seeing your success.

I think the key there is "in the privacy of their own thoughts," though. I'm definitely guilty as charged when it comes to thinking something nasty; I've had my share of uncharitable thoughts about both naturally thin people and about people who'd lost a good deal of weight while I was still sailing on that river in Egypt, so to speak. ;)

But it's one thing to think it and another entirely to shout it out--at a party, no less, with all sorts of people in attendance. Attempting to shame another person in public is unconscionably rude. Yes, it's possible--and in "Carol's" case, even likely--that the rudeness was an attempt to deflect attention from her own perceived flaws, but that doesn't make her behavior less egregiously bad.

I definitely see your point about being understanding of others' psychological pain or discomfort and agree that it should be let go; Jonesie handled the situation perfectly and I admire her grace and kindness. I'll still maintain, though, that it's incumbent not on everyone around "Carol" to excuse her rudeness because the miserable grump can't help it, but on "Carol" herself to have the self-discipline to stop doing the social equivalent of crapping in the punch-bowl.

Civilized people can have different takes on something without denigrating the opposing position or making another person feel small. Uncivilized people...well, they can just stay the heck away from parties. ;)