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A very vicious cycle....

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#1

Rainy , 10-08-2010 05:53 PM

My starting date was October 9th, 2010.
I weighed in at 194lbs.

Today's date is November 27th, 2010.
I weigh in at 197lbs.

I have come to realize that when I am in the 190's, that I maintain my weight extremely well without watching what I eat or exercising. I have been in them since I decided I wanted to lose weight back in 10th grade. It has been at least 3-4 years since then and I am still in the 190's after many failed attempts to change.

I finally have come to figure out what it is that is holding me back, or what keeps me in this weight range. When I was a child, at the age of 6 and at 9-11, I was molested, and watched a little girl that I was babysitting be molested. I never realized just how guilty I felt over these events, and I blamed myself for what happened to the other girl while I was watching her. I started to gain weight at those ages, and I have always felt fat. I always viewed myself as bigger, even back in the 6th grade.

Now that I think back on these events... I feel that my weight gain was due to my "guilty" subconscious. It was telling me to store fat as a way to protect, and blanket, my body. I am able to accept what happened now, and I am confident that knowing what made me gain the weight will only now be used as motivation to lose.

I am starting a "New years resolution", and am going to try to get into the mode now so that I don't just jump into it on January first.

I would like to cut out candy from my life, with the acception of gum and hard (suckable) candies (Like wherthers). I'm also going to cut out fast food/restaurants other than for special occasions with my family (Birthday dinners).

Along with those few eating habit changes, I am also going to start walking one of our dogs, and work my way up to jogging/running. We only have chihuahua's at my house (the one I'm going to take has the most energy and loves going for walks.) but I am planning on getting a Bernese/Greater Swiss mountain dog when I move out on my own. It will need daily walks/runs and I want to be the healthy, fit, girl running beside it down the road that people drive by.

So throughout the month of December, or starting now rather, my posts will be about my progress in changing these things in anticipation for the new year (:

Happy Holidays everyone.

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#2

VickieLou , 10-08-2010 06:03 PM

Rainy sounds like you could use a . I gained 40 LBS back and after 8 month's working hard to get back on plan. I don't have time to write much now. But will have more time tomorrow. I count calories.

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#3

Rainy , 10-08-2010 06:06 PM

Thanks. I really could use a hug right now. Not to sound weird, but one from a stranger that I could just cry my eyes out on would be amazing. People I know always get weird when I cry, and then they say they'll help but they never do. I don't like the whole "I'll lie to comfort you and get you to stop crying" thing.

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#4

ringmaster , 10-08-2010 06:36 PM

hey rainy, I know how you feel. I also lost and regained (and I noticed we are close in height and weight). I also don't have any support, just a strong desire to get my weight back down and reach my goal. Like you, I miss the clothes I was able to wear... so now I want that back more than anything it's enough to get me back and stay on track.

You realize you only have a few options, you can keep gaining, maybe try to maintain your current weight or get back on track and start losing again.

Whats stopping you from getting back on track? Just wanting food? stress?

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#5

4xcharm , 10-08-2010 06:42 PM

Your situation is exactly where we all find ourselves. It takes so much strength to get back on that horse, but we do it. I think the amount of courage and determination we display every time we have to suck it up is commendable. If we can't ***** and moan about it to each other, then I haven't been using this site properly.

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#6

Just Dance Girl , 10-08-2010 06:42 PM

Hey, me too. I don't know why we let ourselves gain it back -- but even Oprah does it with all of her support systems! Don't let your weight or your eating determine your sense of value. You are a unique and important individual who has a purpose in life.

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#7

Rainy , 10-08-2010 06:52 PM

@Ringmaster:
You know, I honestly don't know what it is that's holding me back. I'm a huge fan of the Biggest Loser, and they always seem to have some "Breakthrough" for why they were doing or eating what they were. I've tried so many times to find some underlying problem... I don't really eat when I'm angry or upset, I don't even feel like I eat a lot of bad foods. Maybe that's my problem? Lying to myself about how unhealthy I actually am.

I started to do weight watchers again not this week but the week before. I had no problem measuring everything I ate, or tracking it... The only time I fell off the wagon is when my family comes into play. They go out to eat and I feel obligated to go along, and then I feel as though everyone expects me to order at least something... Then I get the mentality "Oh it's okay, just get a burger, nothing else, and start back up tomorrow." so I do it but by the time I get home it's like "Well, that's done and out the window" and it sort of just falls through.

The only time I have ever lost weight, and actually kept it off was when my mom and I would go to the gym together when I was still taking college classes. We went every day because I felt so good after going and I was already at the college so to go across the small campus was easy. Not only that but I had her there at least 90% of the time so I didn't feel like I was alone. I lost about 25lbs from that, and it seems to refuse to come back.

@4xcharm:
That makes me feel a lot better lol. I feel like every time I start to comment, or post with a complaint that everyone is just ready to go "Oh here we go again..."

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#8

JillyM , 10-08-2010 06:53 PM

I know how hard it is. I too have lost and gained. If you need support email me. We can chat daily if that's what helps us both.

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#9

Rainy , 10-08-2010 06:55 PM

@ Just Dance Girl:

The problem with that is... I heard Oprah recently admitted that she likes being somewhat bigger. She feels that that's who she is. So if she loses the weight because she feels as a star she has to... She gains it back because that's who she is.

I, deep down, know that this weight is not who I am. I have SO many things I want to do that I can't right now. I know that the weight holds me back from doing them. Maybe not physically, but because I mentally know it's there I won't let myself.

Thanks for your support!

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#10

rockinrobin , 10-08-2010 06:57 PM

Okay. So you've faltered. Glad you've caught it and are taking responsibility before it gets any worse.

If it's support, advice, encouragement, accountability and an occasional butt kicking if need be - you're in the right place!!

We're here for you. But my dear, you are the one who's going to have to muster up what it takes to get it done. You. But that's a good thing. No one else to rely on but yourself. The other good thing - you are more than capable of doing this. Absolutely. You've got the ability to lose the weight, all of it and keep it off. Therefore - be excited. Because a change is coming. A change for the good. And please don't dread the changes that have to occur - dread NOT making the change and being unhappy with the situation. Look forward to eating well and exercise, as it's no prison sentence, but a key to freedom. A key that will open up more doors than you can possibly imagine, ones you didn't even realize were closed.

Decide to do this, be willing to do what's necessary to get it done and commit to doing this. No matter what. No matter what.

Make a plan and stick to it. Push yourself. Challenge yourself. Require more from yourself. Give it 150 percent. Amaze yourself.

That being said, what is your mode of attack? How are you going to go about tackling this? What's your strategy? It's very important to set yourself up for success. Planning, calorie tracking, getting rid of the junk, adding in delicious, healthy, lower calorie foods, mapping out your food schedule ahead of time, taking foods with you if need be. Setting some rules, making some boundaries. All part of ensuring your success.

I look forward to hearing of your progress.

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#11

JayLei , 10-08-2010 07:03 PM

Hi Rainy... welcome back!

It can be very hard to get back in there... but you are back with us and we support you!

As for the dates on your goals, I would not worry about them yet.
Make your first goals to get yourself in the gym, since you know it makes you feel good when you go regularly.

Maybe with the dinners out with your family ask if you can choose the restaurant. Look at the menu online and make the best decision you can. Don't let them give you a menu so you won't be tempted to change your mind.

And if you think about it, you aren't alone... you have all of us!

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#12

Rainy , 10-08-2010 07:05 PM

@ RockinRobin:

I just have to say, you have commented on a lot of my threads in the past and you always have sound advice, and this particular response made me cry. I realize that it has to be me that makes the change, and pushes myself more... and up to this point I couldn't actually imagine doing it. Then when I suddenly dropped I was so happy but I still don't think it was me that made that happen.
You are absolutely right that I have to make this work.

As far as having a plan, or strategy... I really don't have one. I've gone to my mom asking her to buy more of fruits, less processed foods, etc... but because no one else in the family has to follow a healthy eating plan of course she goes with all of the things she always buys. I do okay with tracking calories, but I always end up hungry in between meals because of the kinds of food we have are all high in calories so I'm limited to how much and how often...

I would love to go back to working out at the gym but I can't seem to get myself to go alone. I feel that I was successful there because I had so many options. (I had strength training there.) At home all I have is the elliptical and honestly... I can work out for an hour each night on that thing and I get no progress at all.

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#13

Rainy , 10-08-2010 07:10 PM

@ JayLei

My family sort of doesn't work that way... The only time I'm allowed to choose where we eat is for my birthday dinner. Other than that I don't really have a say. I think from now on I'll just have to tell them I can't go with them. Someone was talking about what they are and aren't willing to cut back on, so for me, I know I can cut out eating out so I am going to try it.

I'm also thinking I'm going to give myself a monthly "budget" and only allow myself so much chocolate/candy, and cut out things like chips also.

As far as my goals and the dates... I like having the dates because it gives me a reason to push, but I will start out with just getting myself to a gym/ working out before I add them in.

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#14

PinkHoodie , 10-08-2010 07:30 PM

Hey my fellow Utaher! Aren't you so glad it has finally cooled down?! I just wanted to say, I understand where you are coming from. The important thing is to take what you learned from the last go around and watch for the signs this time. Like when you got down to your smaller weight, what started happening that made you start creeping up? And when you see those warning signs, do something different this time then you did last time.
You can do it though! You have done it before, this time you know more too, so just remember that.

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#15

Rainy , 10-08-2010 07:57 PM

@ Pinkhoodie:
What happened.. I got stressed out at the job I had because I wasn't making any money lol. I would sit around for between five to nine hours and make no money. Business was slow and I was paid by commission. I was also very worried about my boyfriend. Then I broke my ankle and it just all fell to pieces.

Thanks so much for the support! I will definitely watch this time around extremely close. As far as the weather is concerned... It's nice that it's not really hot, BUT! I am actually freezing.

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