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Old 12-04-2010, 11:25 AM   #1  
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Unhappy Aren't friends supposed to be supportive?

Sometimes I just don't get those around me.
My friends know I want to and have been trying to lose weight, yet some of them just haven't been the least bit supportive of me.

Just the other day, I felt the worst I had ever felt in a long time.

Some friends and I were hanging out-snacking, drinking, and talking-when the issue of shopping for cloathes came up. (Living in Japan, its hard to find your size when you don't have a small and petite frame.) And I jokingly made the comment, that had I been the same size I was when I first came, I could fit into a Large. After that, the issue of weight came up. My friends asked me how much I wanted to loose total, and I said 30-35lbs, and they laughed at me! How rude and demoralizing can you get? One of my friends said, "if I lost that much there would be nothing of me". Another said, "I should gain it, not loose it". And finally one of them said, "Stop comparing yourself to the Japanese girls, you'll never be that size".
I didn't know if I should be hurt, angry, emabarressed or all three!


Its true that society has put standards on what the ideal woman should be, and I don't want to be that. I just want to be at a healthy BMI and feel good about myself. I'm already stumbling between 147-150lbs and my goal of 130lbs seems like an reasonable weight, does it not? My doctor had already said I shouldn't waste my time with the the suggested ideal BMI for girls my age and height (which is about 115-120lbs). He reccomended I be no less than 130lbs if I wanted to be at a persoanal healthy weight. And that's my goal. Why can't some of my friends understand that?
I'm not happy with what I am now and I'm trying to do something about it. But its hard to work hard if everyone around me is making fun of what I'm trying so hard to do.

Has anyone else felt this way?
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Old 12-04-2010, 11:32 AM   #2  
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well if they are thin they probably like having a "chubby" friend around to make them look better. Or if they are heavier they are afraid you are going to look so wonderful next to them or you aren't going to want to be friends with them.

Or they are just really insensitive and self involved
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Old 12-04-2010, 12:25 PM   #3  
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Take care of yourself and give up expecting support. It's all up to you anyways and you have a wonderful support board right here where other who feel the same way you do and are working on improving their health will understand.

I don't tell anyone I am working on my weight and health. I really don't care to hear their opinions at all.

Chin up and go for your goals and dreams!
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Old 12-04-2010, 12:44 PM   #4  
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I never tell anyone I am dieting, as soon as you do that the diet police come out in full force . They will monitor every bite of food you take and will make comments. If anyone wants to know why I don't want seconds or turn down a certain food, I just say that's all I feel like today and let it go at that.
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Old 12-04-2010, 12:52 PM   #5  
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I know from experience when my friends and family know I am trying to lose weight they are the food police and try to force me to eat more and make me feel guilty, I guess it is easier to just keep it a secret.
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Old 12-04-2010, 12:55 PM   #6  
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lose the weight and prove them wrong!!!
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Old 12-04-2010, 01:08 PM   #7  
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While some people are genuine meanies, a lot of people just don't understand how heavy weight is, if that makes sense. If they've never lost weight or only ever lost 10lbs or so, 30 sounds just huge to them. They don't necessarily mean to be mean, they just literally can't imagine that you Have 30lbs to lose.

Don't get mad at them but don't discuss your weightloss with them either. Once you've done it, IF they ask, then by all means tell them it was a whole 30, then they'll understand why you needed to lose it. I may be peculiar (don't all rush to agree with me ) but I take such a lot of pleasure in Not discussing my weight with people. One day this fantastic butterfly is going to burst upon them but I don't need people's inexpert opinions and comments on the way.
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Old 12-04-2010, 01:16 PM   #8  
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Being Taiwanese myself, I definitely can relate being surrounded by people who are very slender. I lived half my life in Asia so it's HARD being surrounded by people who never had to lose weight in their life. Shopping in Asia was near impossible for anyone not below a size 8 until recently when I've noticed a lot of "plus sized" stores popping up all over.

I think I agree with most of the posters that they probably can't fathom how much 20-30 lbs is and it sounds like an astronomical number to always-thin people. My friends always seem to be on a "diet" to lose the same 5 lbs.

Let their response be your motivation to prove them wrong.
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Old 12-04-2010, 02:14 PM   #9  
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Thanks you guys!
You're right. From now on, I'm not going to let those set of friends know I want to or am dieting. If the subject comes up, I'll shrug it off and say there's been no big change, I've just been more active.

Thanks for the advice and support.
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Old 12-04-2010, 02:41 PM   #10  
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I agree with the many wise people on here. I think in a way, they might be trying to be supportive, they are just clueless. Your idea of just not letting it be an issue with your friends is a good one. Unfortunately, it is not your job to educate them. Now, when you are in great shape, feel healthy about your weight, and they ask how you did it, then you can celebrate!
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Old 12-04-2010, 05:41 PM   #11  
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It doesn't sound like your friends were trying to be mean on purpose, I just think that they didn't realize how what they said would affect you. We're all guilty of saying and doing things that to us is not a big deal, but to others it comes off the wrong way, which is why communication is key, since hardly anyone reads minds and our own feelings are not necessarily a gauge of others' feelings.

You should tell your friends how you feel. Tell them that you'd like them to be supportive and explain your goals. If they continue to be insensitive after, then that's another thing, but for now, they may not think that what they said/did is a big deal.

Even those who love us, may not always show it or be supportive of our choices. Everyone has their own ideal and preferences. If a friend said she wants to go bald, and I happen to love her long hair, then I wouldn't agree with the decision for my own sake and I'd probably mindlessly say "Don't do it! You're gonna look weird!" I wouldn't be trying to be mean or hurtful at all but expressing my own feelings about it without thinking. But in the end I'd support her decision if she truly wants it. At the end of the day, we all have things we agree with or don't, so we CAN'T always look for support from others, because sometimes they just won't understand. Once you are comfortable with your choice, then that's what matters. When you exude that, others will get comfortable with it too and if not, then maybe new friends are called for.

Last edited by EmpressB; 12-04-2010 at 05:43 PM.
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Old 12-04-2010, 05:50 PM   #12  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosinante View Post
While some people are genuine meanies, a lot of people just don't understand how heavy weight is, if that makes sense. If they've never lost weight or only ever lost 10lbs or so, 30 sounds just huge to them. They don't necessarily mean to be mean, they just literally can't imagine that you Have 30lbs to lose.

Don't get mad at them but don't discuss your weightloss with them either. Once you've done it, IF they ask, then by all means tell them it was a whole 30, then they'll understand why you needed to lose it. I may be peculiar (don't all rush to agree with me ) but I take such a lot of pleasure in Not discussing my weight with people. One day this fantastic butterfly is going to burst upon them but I don't need people's inexpert opinions and comments on the way.

LOL! I love this! 'Tis True!

This goes for a lot of my goals and plans. Some things I do share, esp with a select few, but other things in my life I find should be between me, myself and I. A lot of times our vision is so personal and unique to us that even our closest won't get it and it may even sound insane to them, so it is better to work at it in private then reveal it later on versus inviting negative attention or tons of inexpert opinions and unsolicited "advice" which can lead to you feeling discouraged and forfeiting your plans altogether.
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Old 12-04-2010, 07:08 PM   #13  
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I had a friend like this she was never as out wordly about it but she never thought I could loose the weight. When I lost about 100 pounds she said 'wow I can't believe you did it. I just figured you'd be fat forever.' Don't let other people decide what you are and are not capable of. I decided I could and would reach my goals and I am coming pretty close to accomplishing them. Somethimes the only motivation we get is from the little voice inside of ourselves saying, 'don't give up.'
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Old 12-04-2010, 07:27 PM   #14  
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There's some good news! If you want to be 130 lbs (which is perfectly healthy for your height) then you only have to lose 25 lbs! As I was reading I realized you were doing your math wrong and it sounds much better to lose 25 lbs, rather than 35 lbs!

I think it's entirely doable and honestly your friends simply may not know how hard it is to be overweight, especially when everyone around you is thin. Most of my friends are thin and I gained about 30 lbs in the last 5 years (that I am now losing) and my motivation is so I'm not the "fat" friend anymore.

Don't be too hard on them if they don't know what it's like. You'll look great at 130 and it's only 25 lbs. That's entirely doable.
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Old 12-07-2010, 12:31 AM   #15  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rana View Post
There's some good news! If you want to be 130 lbs (which is perfectly healthy for your height) then you only have to lose 25 lbs! As I was reading I realized you were doing your math wrong and it sounds much better to lose 25 lbs, rather than 35 lbs!

I think it's entirely doable and honestly your friends simply may not know how hard it is to be overweight, especially when everyone around you is thin. Most of my friends are thin and I gained about 30 lbs in the last 5 years (that I am now losing) and my motivation is so I'm not the "fat" friend anymore.

Don't be too hard on them if they don't know what it's like. You'll look great at 130 and it's only 25 lbs. That's entirely doable.

Thanks.
And whoops on the math. I was thinking 130-135lbs and wrote it as lbs to loose.
And your right. 25lbs is a workable goal. I will work hard on it.
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