About an hour ago, I had a horrible binge (popcorn, chips, and chocolates) and did my damn best trying to purge it all out. I've tried to purge numerous times over the past five years, using my fingers and then trying it with my toothbrush, but to my deepest dismay, I've always failed. Today was also failure, even though it was the closest to purging I've ever gotten since I was able to gag a little. I suppose I'm thankful that I've never been successful at actually purging, but I'm still trying to cope with living with all those horrible empty calories I've consumed.
Food and how I look has always affected me very deeply. In my sophomore year of college, I remember when I'd binge on 2,000 calories at night, and then work out at three in the morning trying to make up for it since I felt too ashamed to be working out when anyone else was around. When I binged in between classes, I would feel too fat and disgusting to go to class, which eventually led me to having to drop two classes because of my horrible attendance. Often times, I'd skip out of hanging out with my friends because I'd be terrified of all the calories I would gain. I've also developed a habit of sucking in my cheeks a lot because it's the part of my body that I'm most concerned with, and I've always felt that they were so fat and ugly.
How does one find self-worth when feeling so ugly and fat? What bright side is there to look at? I feel like despite whatever I've accomplished - attending a good school, holding leadership positions in various clubs, etc. - it's all negated by the fact that I look fat and ugly.
I've always had pretty horrible self-esteem, and after a horrible binge and another unsuccessful purge, I'm just feeling at the lowest of lows right now.