wine suggestions...

Chalone Pinot Noir (yummy fantiscness)
Twisted (hahaha love it) Merlot Or Chardonnay
Liberty School Cabernet

All available at your local BevMo.

Or, The Happiness Project (I think that is what its called) But the label has a big huge yellow smiley face on it. Sold at Trader Joe's

Yeah, ok Wine is my new obsession LOL.

I don´t want to jinx anything... but even drunk he may say no to sex. I´m saying that because I´ve been in that road a time ago and is a possibility. Now hubbie wants to "ahem" all the time but I´m not in the mood, we have like 6 weeks without sex, a part of me is twisted and I´m starting to realized that I´m saying no to punish him because I asked him and pushed him about to be honest :carrot: I hope you´re not like me and eventually will let those feelings go, is the best.

I haven't heard of any of those wines. :P Wine hunting time. I'm sure Oz has some imports.

ielena - It's okay. :) I know alcohol and lingerie are no guarantee, but my brazenness will be fun all the same no matter what the result. I will admit that part of me wants to get to the day where I actually tell him no, but to lose the weight I need to work through my negative emotions - so hopefully it won't come to that.

At this point - and feel free to laugh at me - I'm most excited about the corset, stockings, etc arriving in the mail next week! :D

removed by me for personal reasons.

More wine suggestions:
Menage a Trois - though he might take that as an invitation, so be sure you're okay with it :D.

French Maid Cabernet - You can always dress up as one, too

Les Amoureux - romantic French red

If that all fails, try one of these:
The Ball Buster
Lazy Lizard
Fat ******* - The forum is editing me...haha. But the word rhymes with 'custard' :lol:

My all time favorite though:
Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush :lol:

Sadly, I've actually had all of these before. They really aren't terrible. Fat ******* gets very good reviews usually ;).

Maybe this makes me the wet blanket but I don't think you should need to get someone drunk in order for them to have sex with you. A relationship without sexual attraction is a friendship. Do you really want to live with the diminished self esteem of being with someone who doesn't find you attractive? You may love each other but love an attraction are not always one in the same. If you can live with the disappointment and having to get him drunk to touch you then you're a better person than I.

You shouldn't have to settle, no matter what your size or your age. Fundamentally, you're the same person as you were when you were thinner. You say you've had problems with SADD so obviously he's seen you through dark times where you were depressed, unsure of yourself, unhappy. I don't think your personality radically changes when you lose or gain weight so it's a mistake to say it's your fault because you're less self-confident. If a matter of a few pounds, inches, or sizes is that much to make him not want to express his love for you physically then there's a much deeper issue there...

I rather look at this while thing as differences in degree. I like to think that we marry whole packages, not just bits and pieces of people. You either grow together naturally, you work to make sure that you grow together, or you grow apart. I did not marry just my husband's body. And he did not just marry my body, he married all of me. If one part of the package changes dramatically, you may or may not continue to love that part. And it may or may not ruin the rest of the package for you. Does that make sense?
I think it is a bit unfair, in most cases, to assume that gray hair and extreme weight gain fall into the same category. One cannot do anything about gray hair, sagging breasts, wrinkles, and the like. But we can do something about the weight. Getting old is inevitable, getting big is not. One has to look at the entire relationship to really be able to tell if its a case of a selfish man who will always demand more and more, and a case of a man who seriously finds himself uncomfortable and unhappy with the fact that his lady is no longer the lady he married.
It hurts to see those we love engaging in self destructive behavior, and for some it can be hard to find that sexual desire behind those thoughts. Each relationship is different, and we have to be careful in assuming that we can know the truth in any situation. It sounds to me as if the OP's man is one of the second category, and not the first, but only she can decide for sure which it is. Good luck girlie!!

That´s true, that´s so true. But is also true that sexually every relationship (and more if it´s marriage) has its ups an downs. Sexual attraction is not always there, that´s sad but is the reality. I would like to feel what is like to be sexually desire the whole time but for that I guess I need to get like 3 husbands :lol:

I have to admit that this is an even more complicated thing than I originally thought. There are so many factors above and beyond me being - technically - morbidly obese. (I'll have a BMI BS rant somewhere else.) There are so many things, including how I was beginning to look and feel heaps more confident forty pounds less, how he has gained some weight and isn't as confident as he used to be (despite working on losing it and doing well) amongst other stresses and things to be addressed.

The wine and getting a bit tipsy isn't so much about the sex as it is about the fun. We're both quite sensitive about our bodies right now even though we're both working to get back to where we want to be. The spark is there - just a little hidden at the moment under other anxieties.

If nothing else this thread has helped me to see that, while I thought it was, it isn't just about me. There are a lot of stresses in our lives, and heaping my obesity being unattractive on top of the stress pile just isn't good. I'm still a bit upset and saddened, but I'm also seeing that I need to loosen up.

Just as a bit of fun, I put on some lingerie that he'd never seen before. Too small, but I could still have a giggle. I walked past him and he perked up a bit. It wasn't meant for anything more, but I think my confidence, the fact that I was being a bit brazen despite this particular lingerie being too small and the fact that sex wasn't expected made it a fun 'teaser' of sorts. I think I needed that 'lingering gaze' - even if it was surprise more than sexual - to make me feel on the right track.

Again, thank you all for your replies. Just knowing that people understand has been so dramatic for my moods lately. I have been feeling so isolated that I forgot there are places like this around. Just knowing people understand goes a long way in my book.

very happy to hear that you are feeling better. A lot of times I forget that other people are going through or have gone through the very same things as me. We are not islands of our own.

I am quite sure that once you guys work things out with yourselves, things will work out with each other :)
Boys are funny, we think that they are all strong and secure, but really...under it all they can be just as sensitive and insecure about themselves as we are about ourselves.

Glad that the sparks are still there. Just tend them a little bit and they will stay alive

well, yeah. how does anyone feel sexy and like having sex after a partner has "confessed" something like that. no matter how much weight ends up being lost, there's still that lingering feeling of "if I gain, he won't be attracted to me" and I'd always feel something of a sense of betrayal. I definitely don't think it was "ok" for him to "fess" up to that.

support and encouragement from a partner goes a lot farther, imho.

I had similar problem but opposite, i have been suffering from depression therefore comfort eating and gaining weight. My boyfriend is also obese. But my depression has been putting me off what i assume you are referring to as 'ahem', so he gets convinced that i'm not interested in him. I try so hard to do things to show him that i am interested and i love him to pieces but it is so hard when i am not in the mood.

Looks are such a big thing these days, which it shoudn't be. I know its hard, but don't take what he said to heart and don't go mad on weightloss for him. Do it for you and do it at a healthy pace. Once he sees how well your doing and how hot you look he'll want you again and you can be the one saying no.

On the other hand, I hate to say it if its gonna become a strain on the relationship it might better if you weren't together. As far as i'm concerned no one who loves you would say that.

If he weren't upset about his weight gain at the same time - as in if the whole weight gain thing only applied to me - then this would be a serious, serious issue. But given that he's lacking his usual confidence in himself, I think that makes it a little more okay - in my own way.

I should say for clarity that I more or less forced him to confess to it. I'm pretty much like a highly trained sniffer dog when it comes to things being off. I can often sense things straight away with him. I didn't literally corner him, but I pretty much figuratively did. He could only really say yes or no, and he doesn't lie.

So, in a way, I got what I asked for: an honest answer.

Everyone who has talked about having this problem but the opposite has been a real eye-opener for me, too. He's had depression off and on during the past, so while I cornered him in this one issue, his moods are likely influencing his libido as well.

I get so stuck into what's happening just with me that this sort of info comes as a 'duh' kind of smack on the head.

As lazylioness says, "Boys are funny, we think that they are all strong and secure, but really...under it all they can be just as sensitive and insecure about themselves as we are about ourselves."

You'd think I would have figured that one out by now...

Just a quick response to part of the original post, I think it would be normal to feel depressed and sad about something like that. It was essentially a rejection of you. I mean, sure, you asked him to be honest, but sometimes the truth hurts like ****. And no matter how you look at it, he rejected/is rejecting you on that one level because of your weight. I'm sure he cares for you and is just worried about you, but... ouch. Ya know? I hope you start feeling happier and that your *ahem* life picks up soon. :-)

Yeah I would have assumed that I would have it figured out before too. After all I am old and have been married before. LOL.

But I did not REALLY figure it out until my fiancee started wearing T-shirts. Now let me explain, he is NOT a T-shirt kinda guy. His version of the T is a Luau shirt. You know those obnoxious hawaiian print things. Well they used to make me laugh. But then he explained the T-shirt thing, and in his mind they are cheap and tacky. A Luau shirt is just as comfortable and twice as nice. So, when he started wearing T's just because (not because we were on vacation at the river or he was working on the car) I started to get a bit concerned. So I watched him get dressed one day. And I watched him go through the SAME EXACT thing I do in the closet when nothing fits right. Then it dawned on me....he feels the same when he gains a few pounds as I do.

So, now that you know your BF is depressed about his own weight gain, why not start up a eating pattern, work out schedule etc to do it together. OH and also, vigorous "Ahem" is a GREAT calorie burner ;)