I'm back to the biggest number seen on the scale, I'm so humiliated. I find that when I am most honest with myself, is when I'm half awake, as when I get up to pee in the early hours of the morning/night. Lately, for a couple of months, I have felt afraid for my life at the truth I feel and see from the inside, as I wobble, nearly crippled, holding my belly, as I make my way to the bathroom. I am 48yrs old and though I am very young 'looking' for my peer group, and though I hike 3 to 5 days a week, I feel like a hobbled old woman, and something feels weird... not a pain... but a deep-seated discomfort , agitation or anxiety that is taking place, like I feel my body is going to decline fast if I don't change right away. Suddenly I'm worried about diabetes, etc.

My body/mind/subconscious is reacting to large meals now with "Oh sheesh, did you have to do that ... again???" , and I find that the old pleasure of food left long ago (30 pounds ago?) and all that is left is a feeling of stuffing to fill an emotional void ~ addiction and even anger (imagine bludgeoning ones' self with food?) . I just need to SKID STOP in my tracks.... NOW, and stop this INSANITY. I found in the past I had a lot of grandiose thinking help me rationalize how I, so athletic and young looking, don't have to worry about a little weight, and thought like that as I gained to an insane weight (from under 120 when I started dating DH to 185 now (in 15 years) , am morbidly obese , and I'm done pulling the wool over my eyes.

What to do? Stock up on fruit, make tea, pull up a chair to 3fc, and start here. I think I need lots of help, and many hugs...

Hugs to you!! I would hardly call you crippled if you can still hike as much as you do, and since you already exercise regularly you're a little bit ahead of the game, so to speak. You can totally do this! Best of luck to you and try to stay positive!

Good luck with your goals. I spent a long time trying to be "healthy at any size" before I was ready to lose the weight. Maybe focusing on your health and feeling good will be a good motivator for you down the road.

Happy to hug you and say good for you for getting back on track, but don't make the problem any bigger than it has to be!!

At 5'2" and 185, you are NOT morbidly obese. You are in the obese category, but your BMI is 33.8. 40 is the magic number for morbid obesity. Now, this is not to say that you are at a healthy weight, but it can be just as bad to make the problem out to be worse than it is, as it is to pretend there is no problem. So don't be so hard on yourself. You already exercise, so thats a good start. Now you just need to change the diet, and you are on your way. Good luck!

Winning & Jess ~ Thank you. I think that the fact that I exercise as regularly as I have, and eat mostly whole foods (with occasional really unhealthy) has helped me to rationalize Being Healthy, even though I have gained steadily. Enough is enough. I'm flat out miserable in my body, almost all the time.

Whoops, we all posted at the same time! Ah well...I'll let it stand.

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You're not morbidly obese. Your BMI is 33.9. BMI of 40 and up is morbidly obese. 35-40 is class II obesity. 30-35 is obese. In fact, 163 pounds for you is considered overweight. You're not far from that!

If I were you, I'd make that your goal. Just get yourself to 163 and celebrate that victory.

Yes, those health concerns are real and valid concerns, so do something about it!! But believe me, you could be so much worse off. Many of us here are or have been. We completely understand! But beating yourself off is not a good way to start. Many of us have found that getting the weight off starts with loving ourselves.

I am in the morbidly obese zone by internet charts... have standards changed?

What chart are you using?

I so thank you for the encouragement, but it is the thinking "I'm not as bad off as others" which has helped me gain nearly 70 pounds , to my DH's horror,, and my own, all the way, cementing some pretty bad self-image habits.

I certainly am sensitive to the fact that here there are a wide range of starting points...and whether I am as morbidly obese as others, matters not. I am obese. I want to NOT be obese. I don't even want to be overweight. Yes 163 *rounded to 160* will be my first major goal. I will reassess from there. I wish I knew how to make two trackers like some of you have, for short term goals . I'll just write it in... Thank you!

Oh, yes! You have a good mind set. I guess I just said all those things because you sound so gosh darned hard on yourself. I personally found it impossible to lose when I hated myself that much. I too just gained up and up and up. I think I hated myself as much when I had "only" 50 pounds to lose as I did once I had 100 pounds to lose. Fat was fat. It didn't matter. But that self-loathing didn't help anything at all.

But I can tell you this...losing just 10 pounds made me feel really good about myself. And that's not so hard to do.

Thank you so much Eliana ~ I did just check the BMI chart on CalorieCount.com and you're right, it just said 'moderately obese'. I'm thinking I am so crazy from seeing on some chart elsewhere, visibily the zone was very close to the 'morbid' zone... and so it just got under my skin. I am very hard on myself yes, but DH is a very stoic guy, and his vibes don't help. I am so beyond blaming at this point, and into the OWNING UP ZONE that I just have to bare myself to all ~the truth~ and that is that I have made my life miserable , my marriage miserable, and if I don't change, my future with continue in misery. I'm just at that pivot point where I see vividly. I realize wholeheartedly this could also be just another threshold wherefrom I establish new bearings, brace myself, and gain another 30, and so on , (all my siblings are overwieght to varying degrees, more than our parents even)... I just am feeling like my life has ended as I know it. Iam about ready to live life again, because bludgeoning myself with food is no life at all.

I think my highest ever BMI was 32.9 which wasn't so far from yours, and I'm not so far away in age either at 46. I don't know what it's like to be morbidly obese, but being obese did not make me feel good at all, mentally or physically. I know that it made me feel much older than my years. Getting into the overweight category helped but going further helped even more.

If you're anything like me you will feel ten years younger once you lose some of that weight. You're already off to a good start as you have some kind of exercise routine in place, so now is the time to keep that up and make changes with the food.

Losing weight isn't the answer to everything, and if you are dissatisfied with your life in other ways you may still find that those issues still exist. Still you will have more energy, and that's got to help. Good luck.

Thank you Lora ~ your reminder that once I start losing I'll feel much better, younger, and all around improved life. I realize that losing weight is not going to fix everythng, but it certainly will make my attitude better, and that will help a great deal.

So how's today going for you?

I am in the morbidly obese category with a BMI of 41.6 right now. 33.9 is considered obese, but not morbidly obese.

Still, kudos to you for deciding to take control before you do become morbidly obese like me! I know you can do it!