I can relate to your post. first, major congrats on losing 69 lbs (!!) It's a lot getting used to, losing all that weight, changing your life style, your body so drastically. I lost 100 lbs in highschool. From my experiences, I'd say don't be afraid to take things slow with guys, feel comfortable in your own skin and find a good emotional place for yourself. I let my fears, to a certain extent, get the better of me and gained back that weight plus some. There were other factors involved, sure, but I do think my fears played a part.

Remember, everyone starts out inexperienced. When you develop an emotional bond with a partner, I've found, those flaws don't carry such a huge importance. Lots of good things to look forward to, falling in love and making love. Best of luck.

I can understand where you’re coming from in a way. You will most definitely get different, if not more, reactions from men and it’s gonna feel weird for sure. I don’t feel like the way I look has changed as much as the way I carry myself, dress and behave, and I’ve definitely gotten more attention from men…sometimes it’s fine, but other times it’s downright terrifying. I actually posted one of my experiences with this here recently…trapped on the elevator with the hot flirty window washing man and about to start dry heaving…lol.

And I know what you mean about the before pictures. But the thing is, you don’t want to meet someone who isn’t going to like/love you through and through for everything you are…and that is a pretty significant part of who you are. A lot of the way I act and the things I do (or don’t do) are a direct result of having been overweight for so long…the person I am going to be with will have to understand that…and hopefully appreciate it, too. I would never consider dating anyone who wouldn’t be able to accept it. They don’t have to rant and rave about how awesome I looked at 214 pounds, but they shouldn’t be repulsed either. It’s a part of my past, it’s part of the reason I am where I am today and I make a lot of my decisions.

Good luck honey…it’s going to be exciting and fun and I hope you have a lot of positive experiences with the opposite sex!

Originally Posted by bonnnie:
So, my experience is if you meet someone without confidence, with their own bodily issues, they will probably notice and comment on your body. However, if you meet someone who is well-rounded, confident in him/herself, then any minor flaws are quite easily overlooked and present absolutely no problems.

Amen, sister. This has been my experience, too. My 1st husband was an insecure jerk who made me feel terrible about my body (we met when I was thin and being married to him was part of what started my emotional eating). I met DH when I was a few pounds lighter I am now, and he's seen me go up past 200 and back down again, and has always loved my body (not that he doesn't drive me nuts in other ways at times :dizzy:). The first one's issues weren't even about his body, just about himself in other ways. Insecurity begets meanness. Confidence begets generosity.

Originally Posted by jennyplain:
Don't worry about feeling inexperienced - remember, you're in control of the situation, and you can take it as slow or as fast as you want. If someone likes you, he's going to be willing to help you get comfortable and relax. If he's not willing to do that, then he's not worth your time....

...Confidence, as the ladies above me have said, is the key. If you are confident in yourself, it makes a lot of things easier with regard to relationships.

What she said! Don't worry at all about being inexperienced! But don't rush into becoming experienced just to get it out of the way so to speak. I was inexperienced until I was 27, for religious reasons and because of my weight I stayed away from men in any type of intimate way. Once I met someone that I wanted to share that intimacy with, I told him about my inexperience, that everything we did would be my "first" (including kissing), and I told him that well before we did anything. It was actually quite a turn on for him, and made him want me even more, but he didn't pressure me, he let it all be on my time. I've met quite a few men who really like the idea of inexperience, so don't worry about them thinking you're weird or something, I've never met a man that said anything but "Great!" when learning that they could be a woman's first! The important thing to remember when it's time for you to experience intimacy in any form, is to take it slow, one (eh-hum) base at a time if you want/need to. That's how I did it, took it real slow, stretched out all the "firsts" over quite a few weeks and enjoyed the experience, rather than rushing it and having it be overwhelming. When you're in love, it won't be scary, it'll be amazing. When you're in love, you won't feel insecure about your excess skin or your extra weight here or there, because with real love those things don't matter. It's when you're rushing it, or you aren't waiting for love that insecurities can take over. Communicate with him about your feelings and thoughts, and it will be wonderful.

Secondly, big women get men too. It's because of their confidence. No matter how small you get, if you're not confident, you won't get as many guys. Confidence draws people. And having a nice body does not create confidence, loving yourself does. So do whatever you need to do to create confidence in yourself and to truly like who you are. Confidence oozes from people, it's quite sexy!

Thirdly, in the same way that I am not attracted to men who are rather heavy (even though I'm heavy), I can not expect all men to be attracted to heavy women. I used to want to say "if they don't like me when I'm big they're not worth me", but I don't think that's being fair. We all have preferences, and some we can't control. I think Asian women are beautiful, but for some reason I am just not attracted to Asian men. I prefer dark haired men over light haired. I prefer body hair on my men. I like stocky-ier men over skinny builds... you get my point? There's nothing wrong with a man being attracted to you now when you're smaller, and then seeing your picture when you were larger and not being as attracted to the you back then. Shouldn't change the way he feels about you NOW, there's an issue with that if it happends. But I think it's asking too much to want him to think you're hot then AND now. We all like different things...

Good luck to you girly! DON'T rush things, but don't push men away either, my first experience of falling in love was absolutely amazing, don't miss out on something amazing. There is no "perfect" time to get married, have a kid, buy a house, buy a new car, go on a trip, change jobs...if you wait for the "perfect" moment or until YOU are "perfect" you'll miss out on a lot, there is no "perfect".

Originally Posted by Hamoco350:
I am really afraid of a guy meeting me as a thin person and being disgusted by the former pictures of me he'll see or the self esteem issues I will surely still have in some aspects of life. I worry too about guys seeing the excess skin, leftover stretch marks and etc. and being bothered by it..

I am just really thinking about this lately and I wondered if anyone could give me some insight. :?:

I'm a guy and probably can't offer you much help or insight. However I've struggled with the same issue as well. I'm in my early 30s and have been overweight my entire life except for a period from about 18-25. I lost over 100 lbs right before starting college and more or less kept it off for several years thanks in large part to falling in love with weightlifting. During that time I did socialize and date a lot but was always self-conscious about my loose skin. However at the time I didn't really care a whole lot about any girl I dated finding out how fat I used to be since I thought I conquered it. From around age 25 to now (6-7 years) I gained back all the weight. Now I'm at the age where I want to settle down but my weight is the main issue holding me back. Even when I lose it I am worried about what any girl I date will think when she finds out how heavy I used to be, and since I regained it once why should she believe I won't regain it again? And of course the loose skin is still an issue but if I want to now I can afford to just get surgery for that.

I've always thought that the ideal situation for me would be to find a girl who herself had a weight problem and lost it. We would better understand each other and I probably wouldn't feel self-conscious about it. So maybe you can find a guy who lost a lot of weight as well. See, that's my advice....like I said it probably wouldn't be too helpful.

My experience, for what it's worth: I've been loved better, longer, stronger and more unconditionally as an older fat woman then I ever did when I was a young, beautiful, thin and fit model.

I'm the same age as you, and I know exactly how you feel. I understand your insecurities, and that intense fear of "not knowing what to do." I was seriously in the same boat as you a year ago.

I was 19 and had never had a boyfriend, never even held hands. I figured it was because of my weight. In part, it probably was, but I also had low self esteem and didn't think I deserved anyone looking the way I did. I'd had a few hopefuls but 3/4 of them ended up being gay (uhhh) and one of them was just weird. I knew I could GET a boyfriend, but I didn't want some loser not doing anything with his life, or someone who treated me bad. I had this irrational fear of making out, because I didn't know how. At all.

I finally met some new friends, a good group of guys who had lots of fun. I actually met them because one of them who I knew invited me to "porn and poker night" in typical male fashion (no alcohol, lots of joking, and it was always the corniest porn they could find, so it wasn't weird lol). I wanted to say no, because I was so shy, but I wanted new friends, so I said yes.

I met my boyfriend there. :) I obsessively brushed my teeth before coming, kept body spray in my purse, and ALWAYS did my makeup and hair. Once we started talking, I was terrified. He had no idea what I used to weigh and look like and stuff. Not to mention if he tried anything, I'd just stand there like uhhhh.

When it came down to it, it all came pretty naturally. I wasn't good at anything, by any means, but it's not rocket science. I was scared, but I got over it. And he didn't care. I even gained a bunch of weight back, and he still didn't care.

I guess the moral of my novelish story is that you shouldn't be nervous, because you'll meet a guy that really doesn't care. If he's into you, seriously, he's just as nervous as you. He won't care what you look like now, nor what you looked like then. And most guys don't even really notice that sort of stuff I've found. Like, if you take your shirt off they aren't looking at your stomach they're like "oh my god, boobs boobs boobs boobs boobs maybe she'll let me touch them? I hope so!"

I'm dead serious. So don't worry, when you meet a good one, he'll take you for who you are. Self esteem issues and all.

My fiance proposed to me at my highest weight. In fact, it was the pictures of us that his friend took that day which were sort of the wake-up call for me to start my journey.

If I were you, I wouldn't "put my life on hold" while I lost weight. You are a vital young woman right now.

What you have to remember is ... men are people too. Just talk to them like people and you might be surprised at the friendships you develop. Good luck, honey.

I really wish that I could respond to everyone, and I probably will when I can figure out what to say, but for now a thank-you will just have to do. Every single response here has helped me immensely.

There is truly some great advice that has been given here and so I will add my two cents.....

First cent - Whatever you do, DON'T SETTLE!!!
Second cent - Confidence in yourself is a must! When you reach your goal (as I know you will!!) You will have worked very hard to get there and will have gained some self confidence. Don't let anybody take that away from you! Only you know where you have been and what it took for you to get where you are!

Once you have found the right man, things will just fall into place and happen the way they should. He will know that you are "inexperienced" and will be patient with you. Who knows, you may find the man of your dreams who is just as inexperienced as you are! How wonderful that would be...then you could learn together! :)

I wish you much success on your journey!! :hug:

Ok, but what about...
 

Hey everyone, this has been a really interesting thread to check out, I am definitely finding myself struggling with some of these issues already, and I'm only about 30lbs into my goal!
What I am sort of struggling with is what to make of the guys that I did know were attracted to me before. I've never really been at a loss for male admirers (and some super hot ones, I am proud to say), but more often than not it's on a sexual level only, and I know that if I was of a more normal weight they would be a lot more interested in an actual relationship, but it seems to be a deal breaker kinda often. And I, having a very healthy dose of self esteem in most areas of my life aside from my body, usually didn't go through with it because if I'm good enough to sleep with, I am good enough to date, right? But I also know that a lot of these guys are good guys, and I think that I need to just take that dealbreaker off the table.
Now, I decided not to date anyone at all until I am at my absolute goal-no distractions! But it has already come up, and I'm not sure what to think about the guys that did like me at my highest! On one hand, I'm a little hurt that I wasn't good enough before, but I also know that a lot of these guys that let me go are already regretting it. And I am a hypocrite because I'm not attracted to big guys at all. Anyone had this come up??

Hmm I don't think you are hypocritical. I have dated all kinds of body types big men, normal men, skinny men. I know that I am attracted to skinny men (my friends used to say my ex looked like an Auswitch victim -_-0). That said I have rejected men from all kinds of body range and men from all kinds of body range have rejected me. Now that I think most of the rejection I got are from big men. I think it is what makes people click together. That said I do have two principles.

A. Everyone deserves a chance, even if I am not initially attracted to him physically. He will get up to 3 dates with me before I decide whether I am attracted to his character or not.

B. My future bf will know that I was obese. I have no intention of burning all my life's memories and photos to please a man nor hide the truth because seriously if he can't accept that part of my past, how will he accept my perception of the world? Now I am not saying I am going to bring a photo album on our first date but when we start becoming an item he will know.

Originally Posted by preetyladyserenity:

A. Everyone deserves a chance, even if I am not initially attracted to him physically. He will get up to 3 dates with me before I decide whether I am attracted to his character or not.

I use to have this rule too, i thought it was fair and only the right thing to do because i get so upset when men didn't even give me a starting chance. But then i got molested by this creep, and i changed my mind. I'm not saying you will be too, or anyone who choose to follow this rule, but my advice is to always follow you instinct when going out with men. If he feels off, don't ignore that! I don't go out on much dates anymore, but i think i'm okay with this.. i know inside that it wasn't the right guy.

When I first met my fiancé (who I am marrying in 5 days OMG) - I was at my thinnest.

I met him on a dating website and almost didn't contact him because I thought he was too good looking for me!

But I thought "What the heck - the worst he can say is no!"

But he didn't, and we met, and we got on really well, and inevitably, the thought popped into my mind, that I would fairly soon have to tell him that I used to be overweight as there would be family pictures etc.

But I eased into it gently - just telling him that IO used to be bigger, but not how much, and showing him pictures of when I was a bit bigger but not at my highest weight. It was only months later that I finally got up courage to show him pictures of me at my highest, and dug out my biggest pair of jeans to show him.

He was so cool about it! He really didn't care.

He has never had a weight problem, in fact he thinks he is too skinny and has issues about that. The only time it affects us is when I have put on a few pounds and am trying to be good, and he sits in front of the TV eating crisps or chocolate and offers it to me out of politeness!

But when you meet a man who really loves you - he will not care what size you used to be.

And I ditto what everyone else has said, he if does care, he isn't the man for you!

You'll find someone, I promise. I met my husband when I was 150 lbs. When we were first dating and I showed him pictures of me at my highest weight, he told me "You were beautiful then, just like you're beautiful now." When we're intimate he'll kiss my stomach like he doesn't even know the stretch marks and loose skin are there. He calls me sexy when I'm clothed and when I'm naked.

As long as you have the self worth to know that you deserve a prince, you'll find one.