So, I came up with the idea 5 days ago to take short videos of myself everyday. Basically a run down of my day, how i ate, how i felt, my successes and failures, who i was feeling when i made those choices, what i wanted to do better with the next day... you get the idea. I wasnt going to post them online or anything, just keeping a folder on my computer, labeled day by day. I thought it would be a cool way to look back when everything was said and done to see where i've come from.

I got the idea while doing this to 'model' a swim suit and a few of my favorite outfits.... holy crap!!!!!!!!!! Now, I knew I didn't look good, I knew I am way over weight, I knew that no one was ever going to mistake me for a triathelete... I had NO IDEA I look as bad as I do. I thought I had a lovely curve in my waist, I thought my back looked smooth... I had no idea that I'm *wide*, really wide. I had no idea that my legs are smashed together from my knees upward. I had no idea that from the back, you can see a roll of fat, even in my favorite tshirt! I had no idea that I have a really severe double chin because from the front angle, it doesnt look too bad!.... I had no idea that I looked like *THAT*.

I'm HORRIFIED, not only am I doubly dedicated to this process now, but I am also feeling something new - shame. I'm now increasingly embarrassed to go outside, I'm embarrassed to be seen, I'm ashamed of myself in ways that I wasn't before. I wasnt about to go enter a beauty contest, but I had a sense of self confidence. I may be heavy, but i'm not near as fat as *insert anyone that i have inwardly judged*.... - but in fact, I am very fat. I am fatter than people who I have placed silent judgement on. No WONDER i have back pain! No WONDER my feet turn a slightly blue color when I'm sitting for too long - the sheer weight of my legs must be inhibiting the circulation. I have noticed people eyeballing my lower belly recently and I thought it was weird, maybe my pants were ill fitting? No, no. After looking at this video, its because I have an apron. I noticed today, when leaning over the bathroom counter - that my belly lifts up and firmly rests on it....

I don't even know what to do now, I don't know where to start, I couldn't even get myself to eat yesterday because the thought of adding anything into this body made me feel sick. I couldn't get myself to the gym because I dont even want to be seen. I only ended up eating this morning after about 30 hours because I had a headache... and THATS not healthy either!!

... I'm so very sad, and so very ashamed of myself and so very very shocked... Has anyone else ever felt this way??

Sorry to hear you are feeling so terrible! I realize you're very unhappy with your body, but you've already lost 20 pounds. Be proud of what you've accomplished instead of feeling ashamed. When you have reached goal, your before and after pics are going to be all the more dramatic.

I love the idea of the videos but maybe you should stop using them right now. They are killing your self-esteem!

I agree that you've come so far already. Stop tearing yourself down like that. I bet you wouldn't say those things to a friend if they were in a similar situation.

You're in my favorite city, San Diego. Go out there and BE SEEN! You are a beautiful person. Don't hide yourself like some unworthy beast. I know lots of people who want to accomplish what you have already. Be proud!

I did a very similar thing, except my video was naked. It was pretty much the most horrific thing I ever seen. My STOMACH?! I can't even believe how white, pasty and HUGE it was on tape. I've always known my right boob is bigger than the other and joked about it but JESUS the difference between them?! One was sagging there and one barely existed!!

Basically, after watching this one video of myself I deleted it from my camcorder and also my memory as best as I possibly could. I know if I focussed on it at all I would feel the way you do. It meant that for about 3-4 hours I felt very unsexy and actually struggled to understand how my boyfriend thought my naked body was attractive...

So yes, I got rid of it. I try not to think about it. I'm doing all I can to improve upon it. And it was a life lesson... ALWAYS stick to mirrors. Preferably flattering ones.


I hope you start to feel better soon. FORCE yourself to delete them from your mind. Hopefully you'll have deleted (or VERY WELL hidden) the files themselves already. Because I don't know what I'd have done having to think about that sight everyday.xx

sweetie, I am so very sorry that you are feeling so bad right now! I do know how you feel. Although I didn't do video, back in January I had a picture taken with my husband at his 40th bday party and i was HORRIFIED! Like you, I knew I was over-weight and that I needed to make some changes but seeing that picture was a huge wake up call. I was told that the picture was taken at a bad angle but I just couldn't get it out of my head.

I decided to paste that picture EVERYWHERE to help motivate me to stick to the changes I was trying to make. I had it as my desktop wallpaper, my cell wallpaper, I carried a print out in my wallet, all hoping this would help. It didn't. I felt so horrible that I felt frozen. Then I realized that by focusing on what I DIDN'T like, I was in a way boxing myself in. I couldn't get past that picture.

So I changed tactics. I found a picture of me from about a year ago when I felt better about myself and changed my goal to 'just get back to THERE'. Not the huge goal we all wish we could attain but sometimes think is impossible. I focused on trying to get to where I thought I looked better and felt pretty certain I could reach there if I tried.

I also changed my 'plan'. I knew that you can safely loose 1-2 pounds per week safely, so I always projected out my goal dates using that for a calculation. Inevitably I would fall behind and get discouraged. A friend suggested I slow down my 'pace' to 1 pound every two weeks. It sounded outrageous and like it was going to take too long but I agreed. And some weeks the scale would inch up in the wrong direction but it always ended up coming back down. I reach my first goal of losing 10 pounds after about 4 months.

It did take a long time and there were definitely weeks I was discouraged but then I'd look back and see what I had lost (without thinking about the time it took) and was happy at my progress.

Now I wish I could continue this success story but I reached a detour. I found out I was pregnant. So my weight loss is going to have to wait until after the baby.

And I'm sorry for the long post but I wanted to share my journey with you to help give you a little hope. Focus on where you believe you can actually be in a reasonable time frame. Plan it out. GIVE YOURSELF ENOUGH TIME. And use every resource you can find to help you. YOU CAN DO IT. We will help! Good luck sweetie!

Oh, dear. Please, please don't hate on yourself like this.

It's good when our complacency is shaken up. But not when we rush to the opposite extreme & decide what we are hideous & can't even show ourselves in public.

I mean, just because it wasn't as good as you thought, doesn't mean it's as horrible as you think it is, either.

What we're after here is some moderation.

Please now look at yourself without a picture, a video or a mirror. Just look down at yourself. There are things about you that are perfectly normal & acceptable & even praiseworthy.

I want you to write a post here where you praise things about yourself. Seriously. That's your next post in this thread.

Tell me about your hair. Your eyes. Your smile. Your legs that take you places. Your hands that know how to do clever things.

This body is all you've got. You're in it for life. It's your Siamese twin. It's not something separate from you that you can hate. It is you. You need to take care of it & be kind to it. Or you're not going to get anywhere with treating it better & making it healthier.

Now tell me about your best feature. You do have one. Everyone does. Probably more than one.

Phew, that was hard to read. Really.

Please, please, please know that anyone worth knowing sees YOU and not the fat. You're doing this, and that's what matters the most! Beauty really does come from within, and I'm not just saying that. My two best friends weigh a lot more than I do and I love them just the way they are and I think they're beautiful, yes BEAUTIFUL! And not just inside! I see their beautiful, sparkling eyes, their button noses, their cleavage. (Please may they never know that. )

I always feel as you described when I am complacent and doing nothing. I always feel a thousand (yes A THOUSAND) times better when I am trying. I feel best with intense exercise because I can focus on reaching fitness goals that are within MY control instead of the scale which is not exactly in my control.

Now you know that your important and you did care enough to judge yourself . Reading your story has help me to understand I'm just as important as everyone in my life , that i take care of. And to remember to be kind to myself and stay more focus on me. Maybe I'LL GET THE STRENGHT TO TAKE A REAL LOOK IN THE MIRROR. Keep in the good work your done so far

you've gotten some wonderful responses. I could really relate to your post. I've found that part of the whole weight loss process for me has involved having to be much more conscious of my body, what it feels and LOOKS like, which has had its traumatic moments for me -- especially since I definitely tend to think of myself as being thinner.

the shame won't get you anywhere. look around you, plenty of chunky monkeys in the world, of all shapes and sizes. I'm sure you wouldn't judge them as harshly as you judge yourself. (actually, I've heard thin women whom I consider gorgeous trash their bodies and looks.)

it's not always easy to accept my body with all its flaws, believe me. but it's what I've got. going to the gym and losing weight has made a big difference. I'll never be perfect, or model/movie star material. But I can be healthy and strong and accepting/forgiving of what isn't perfect (or try to be!!).

hang in there!

I really love this and I agree, you should do as saef has recommended. I bet it would help how you feel alot