What to do when...
 

I've recently begun to fear for my husbands health. When I met him 4 years ago, he was slim, in shape, worked out on a regular basis, and had a fairly decent diet. Just in the past 8 months or so, he has gained about 50 pounds, he eats fast food at least 5 times a week (and not just "normal" fast food, he gets the ultra-giant 4 patty bacon cheeseburger with extra fries and a shake), and never exercises.

The weight/body fat issue is a problem to me, but it's the tiniest problem compared to the health issue. His 47 year old uncle died last year of a 100% blocked artery induced heart attack. What's worse is he died while driving on the highway. His grandfather had three bypass surgeries before passing away two years ago. His own father has dangerously high blood pressure and cholesterol. All I see when I look at him is a ticking time-bomb of heart disease. I have tried explaining the fact that I'm worried about him, worried that he won't get to see our kids (don't have any YET) grow up, won't get to enjoy life because of health problems. I haven't been critical of his size, I haven't been judgmental that he has gained weight, and yet he still hasn't even made a baby step in the right direction.

It hurts me because to me he's non-verbally saying "I don't care whether or not I live to see our son play football or our daughter graduate from college or celebrate your 60th birthday with you." How do I get him to see that he's endangering himself and me? I've completely overhauled my own eating habits in hopes that I could set a good example, but that's been almost two months and he hasn't picked up my good habits. Any suggestions?

I don't think he's non-verbally saying that, and I don't think it's fair that you've pinned that on him.

You just need to be honest with him and express your concerns.

I don't have any answers for you but I might be able to offer some encouragement. My own weightloss journey has been going on for a few years now. My Hubby has been very supportive of my efforts but has made very few changes in his own life. While I feel this is something that we could do together, he sees it as 'my weight loss.'

Several years ago FIL had a stroke, Dad had just retired, and decided he was going to rest from now on. He went from being fairly active to a couch potato. Dad survived, but has trouble walking, limited use of his right arm, and very slurred speech, even after the PT. Hubby can't understand most of what his father says anymore, so gone is the father/son time together. I see Hubby's father as a 'walking breathing reminder of what can happen if we don't take care of ourselves'. Hubby acknowlages that but I feel he could do more to keep himself in shape, and clean up his eating.

Several years ago Hubby had a panic attack {work stress related}. He thought he was having a heart attack, but was fine. He called that his 'wake-up call' to better health. Sadly, that didn't last long, but I have regained weight I worked very hard to lose, since that time also.

Several months ago, I climbed back on the weightloss wagon, but this time Hubby is making a greater effort to join me. Sometimes it just takes baby
steps, or several false starts. Your good example, and success in weightloss may encourage your Hubby to begin his own journey. You might suggest/ask him to join you in walks, making him feel a part/helping you in your journey. I have learned the more I press Hubby to make changes the less he is willing to consider. This is something he just has to want to do on his own.

Hope that helps

Just like you had to decide when you were ready to take on your own healthy life-style, you have to extend that same thought process to your husband. If he isn't ready, he isn't going to be willing to change his lifestyle.

That being said, you can slowly push him. If you're trying to plan a Saturday afternoon, try going hiking instead of a movie. Make your lifestyle more active and that might be the trigger for him to start evaluating his own options.

I can almost guarantee that this is not at ALL what he is thinking when he's eating the way he is. Guys...just don't think like that. At least, that's what my boyfriend tells me when I interpret things he says completely the wrong way. :) He's probably just thinking "yeahhhhh, cheeseburger".

My bf's been very supportive of my weight loss efforts at home, but I make sure not to try to influence his choices when we are not at home. If we go out to eat, I get something with which I'm comfortable, and he gets whatever he wants. He doesn't judge me and I don't judge him. I know you're concerned about his health, and that's totally valid. I wonder if you could make a time to sit down with him and discuss it, without getting upset (I say that because I get ridiculously emotional with my bf when discussing things that worry me). Stay calm, explain why you're concerned, lay out your reasoning in a straightforward, kind way, and...I think that might be all you can do. For now, anyway. You're his wife, not his mama. And you do have a vested interest in his future, but again - you can only do so much. He's a grown man. He has to make his own decisions. That may not sound positive, but give the conversation a shot, and see how it goes.

I have had many very calm conversations with him. All focused on the health side of it rather than the vanity side of it. I think I was more scared when his uncle died than he was. I mean, he was literally driving home from work, then dead, with his car still in motion on the highway. If that's not enough to scare the action into someone, I don't know what is. I understand that he may not be explicitly thinking "I'm going to eat this cheeseburger so I can die an early heart-related death and miss out on life", but how can he not comprehend that what he's doing is hurting me? I'm really scared about this, and I've told him this, and to me, that alone would be enough to at least try, or talk about making a plan, or even exchange one cheeseburger a week for a salad. But when I tell him how I feel he just says "meh, whatever". That's what makes me feel like he doesn't care. It's also a bit of a financial situation because while we are not poor by any means, we really can't afford to be eating out as often as he does. And that is putting a strain on my nerves, since we just bought a house.

I would like to go on walks and such with him but he works nights and I work days, so he's asleep while I'm working out. I don't know, I'm at a loss. It almost feels like he's depressed or something. I see a counselor through our church and I've asked him to come with me but he won't.

I don't think you can force him if he's not ready. Maybe just try and make really healthy foods at home and hope he notices the difference in how he feels after eating "right"?

I think you're reading too much into it. I obv don't know your specific situaiton, but I know a lot of overweight guys (myself included) who followed/are following a similar pattern.

To be honest, for most of us it's just laziness and apathy. We don't care as much about the appearance thing as you ladies tend to, we love to eat, and if we don't have any key drivers pushing us out of the easy road we'll often take it. This is all speaking for experience.

Even though I knew I was putting myself at a lot of risk for health issues by what I was doing to myself, it was far enough down the road (hopefully) that it just wasn't in my face enough to be a big deal. I liken it to a lot of smokers that have a mental awareness of the health issues, but put it out of their mind if they are young.

It took other motivators for me to lose the weight, health and appearance were drivers but not big drivers. For me it ended up being the energy required to have meaningful interactions with my kids, as well as my weight becoming uncomfortable from a professional environment.

I think it's ok to show concern, just be careful how you approach it and don't take it so personally when he's not ready. Him feeling you pushing is not likely to help. It'll be something smaller like going to play a pickup basketball game with buddies and realizing he can't keep up or the like.

You know how the saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink".

I personally wouldn't push the issue any more. He will get healthy when he's ready, or he just won't. It's a choice he has to make, not one you can force on him.
I tried the same thing with my boyfriend to get him to quit smoking, and we just ended up having arguments and he had a tough time trying to quit due to not really 'wanting' to. He is still smoking to this day, and I just accepted it.

Just think, you had to make the decision on your own, and same applies to him.

BINGO

there it is. Night shifts can totally mess with some people, causing all sorts of problems, and opposite shifts can mean opposite lives in a marriage.

If he has other problems (like sleep apnea) and depression, that explains a lot.
I don't have any advice, but possibly the shift work is a factor

Sounds to me like he's whistling in the dark. You know that old phrase? It means someone who acts as though they are not afraid--as though they are confident that nothing bad will happen to them.

He's not going to put down the fast food just because you give him a logical argument. It might be better to talk about how he's doing. Is the shift work getting to him? Is he feeling OK? Don't talk about weight--he knows what size he is, and he knows he "shouldn't" eat those burgers. Those "shouldn'ts" probably make him want to do it even more.

The one thing I'd like you to understand is that it's not about you. Making judgments about whether he wants to be around for his (nonexistent) grandkids is a waste of your time and energy. Concentrate on your own good health and set a good example at home. :yes:

Jay

I think you have a right to be hurt, definitely. I think we all have an obligation to keep ourselves somewhat healthy for our children, spouses and loved ones. And we should all want that. You’re thinking, “That cheeseburger is worth possibly making me a young widow?” I see that.

However, like the others have said, when we’re eating…when we’re consuming…or even smoking or drinking…it’s a very in-the-moment experience. Ask yourself if, before you began your healthy lifestyle, you looked at your food and asked, “Is this going to hurt me ten years from now?” Probably not. Most of us don’t until we get that wake up call or have that light bulb moment. And everyone has different wake up calls. For you, the sudden death or an illness of a family member would be a wake up call. Like randomcards said, for your hubby, it might be something much smaller…not being able to do something his coworkers can, getting winded on the stairs, etc.

Unfortunately…there’s not much you can do. You can kick and scream and fuss and beg and cry and explain and talk…but until he comes to the decision himself, he won’t make those changes he needs to. I’m sorry you’re hurting and frustrated…just keep supporting and gently encouraging…lead by example and I’m sure that somewhere down the road he’ll join you.

It must be really frustrating for you to have to deal with this! Maybe you could start having more "couple time" by eating in more often with the healthier food you cook. That could prevent him from eating fast food too many times a week!

RE: What to do when…
 

I understand what you are going through. It seems like a major problem, as your hubby already has a family history for health problems. I would suggest you to be strong and encourage him to exercise. If possible, join a gym with your hubby or work out at home 3-4 times a week. If you exercise with him, it will be good support for him. Another important issue is his diet. I suggest you to go for a good diet delivery program. Me and my husband have been using Bistro MD diet meals for the past 5 months and the results are really good. Basically Bistro MD is a low calorie diet program and it tastes really good. It is completely natural and they deliver it to my door. Check out their menu if you are interested. Good Luck!