Afraid of His Comments
 

My boyfriend is SO sweet, and SO supportive, and I love him to death. With that said though, he's not the most tactful guy out there. Now, at first I thought it was he who was the issue... then I realized, wait, no. I'm sending him all these mixed signals!

He tries his best to encourage me on this journey, or express that he's excited too, but I just HAVE to take what he's saying in the worst way possible. For example, he might say:
"You're going to do great!"

So I tell him that I don't like that. It's too much pressure. It makes me want to give up, and I'm not exactly sure why. I'd feel more proud and excited if he didn't think I could do it, and I did it! Otherwise, I'd feel it's just expected.

Okay. He takes note of this. And next time he chooses to say:
"I hope you do great!"

Wait. You just want me to do great so that I'm skinny! You're going to find me sexier when I'm skinny! Pig!

"I can't wait to go shopping for new clothes with you," Okay, that's not bad. I'll take it :) but he continues... "and we can get you a sexy little miniskirt." :mad:

I know it's not HIS fault. I AM sending him mixed messages on this, and I SHOULD stop reading so much into things. But I know for a fact the type of women he likes, and I guess it gets the better of me. He says things like "You're going to be so cute" and it drives me up the wall.

Anyone else in a similar situation with people and their frustrating yet innocently intended comments?

Um... I feel immensely sorry for your boyfriend. You need to consciously work on not being so difficult, especially if he is putting forth lots of effort to be sensitive AND supportive.

One of the best tips I ever got for my marriage and life in general is to always think the absolute best of every comment and situation - it is graceful AND makes me a much happier person. My husband loves me, so for his sake and mine I will always assume he is trying to build me up and LET the comment have the intended effect of buoying me and strengthening me, instead of constantly focusing on the negative or letting my mind play games when the poor guy is just trying to be loving, in his own way.

So no, I can't say I have ever been there, because I CHOOSE not to go there! It's not him who is the problem, it's your mindset. Fortunately, a mindset is a fairly easy thing to fix :)

It sounds like you have a sweetie pie supporting you, what a great blessing!

ALL THE TIME.

The thing is, guys don't think into what people say. So they say things without thinking into the statements themselves, if that makes sense.

I gained a lot of weight in pregnancy, because I couldn't keep anything down but fatty foods.

Afterwards, it drove me crazy when my boyfriend would say things like, "You have the perfect body for it - why don't you go to the gym and try to get a six-pack?" or "You'll be so hot if you go to the gym and tone up a little."

But then if I lose weight, he's like, "Have you not eaten for a month? You're so boney!" Keep in mind I'm about 160 at that time, lol. Or he'll be like, "Well, have you actually eaten today?" if my stomach hurts, although I always eat and plenty.

And of course, there's always the "You're so beautiful."

Half the time, I didn't know what his visual impression of me was! LOL

I think you'd be better off just keeping your weight loss to yourself... know what I mean? ;) You've got this guy walking a minefield! :yikes:

Just take what he says as though you are both adults and he is complimenting you, and then move on. It doesn't matter what he says or doesn't say. The only thing that matters is what you want and what you do about it.

For what it's worth... :wave:

Jay

Oh my goodness, your poor boyfriend!

Tell me a statement that he could make that you would be happy with.

The poor guy is trying his hardest to be positive and supportive, and you are just giving him grief every time he opens his mouth. If he stopped altogether would you be upset by that too?

Like Arctic Mama said, an attitude adjustment is in order here, I think. And not from him...

:o Is my face red! It kind of helps to know that this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became "I should be patient for you to lose the weight." (Of course, he swears up and down now that he wants to be with me despite whatever weight I'm at, but to be honest, I don't think I can ever forget that conversation.)

But like I said, (aside from that instance) he's a real sweetie. He does his very best. And I do give him credit for that! I did make myself sound pretty bad. But it's not like I start yelling at him or even give him a hard time about it, nor is it something we argue about. I couldn't be the slightest bit mean to save my life, and that's probably why he's so forgiving of my indecisiveness.

In fact, when I discovered this about me, the conversation was pretty funny.
Me: "Ohhh, I want a pretty dress!"
Him: "Don't worry. You'll get there. ... I mean, I hope you get there. That's what you want me to say, right?"
There was a pause, I started laughing, hugged him, and apologized for sending him mixed messages (as I liked that first statement more than the second... but how was he supposed to know with my mixed signals?)

Thank you guys though for saying something. I think my general low self esteem has me take things the worst way possible. I'm scared that I won't be able to the kind of woman (physically) that my boyfriend wants me to be, and this personal issue I have resurfaces in the strangest way. But it's easy to see now that I'm definitely going about the wrong way to try and be just as accepted as I am now.

That's pretty funny!

When I was at my highest weight hubby couldn't say anything right either. He used to tell me I was gorgeous, I used to reply "no I'm not".

He eventually one day told me that he found this offensive, that I was basically telling him his opinion meant nothing and that his judgement was wrong. I thought about it and he was right. So now I just say "thanks"! Doesn't necessarily mean I agree with him about my gorgeousness or lack thereof, just that it's his opinion and he's entitled to it.

You obviously are the kind of woman overall that he wants to be with, or he wouldn't be with you. If we are perfectly honest there are some things about all of our partners that we aren't 100% happy with, but you overlook these because the package is perfect. I think you need to be happy being the perfect package, and stop being so critical of the individual parts of your package.

Thank you Primm :) This is exactly what I needed to hear and be told

Well that's a separate issue - if he has really expressed displeasure in your body, in more than a passing way, I'd run the other way. But it is difficult to tell - you have to tease out what is YOUR insecurities about your looks and your opinion on what you THINK he thinks of you, from the actual issues he may he having with your form. I have struggled with low self esteem and in hindsight, I realized that the one who was bothered most (and who said the meanest things about my body) was ME, not others in my life. But the few comments they DID make played upon that insecurity and amplified my discontent.

Sit down and have a serious talk with him about your body and what he thinks of it. Does he want you to lose weight for your own happiness, or for his arousal? If you DONT lose weight is it a deal breaker for him, or does he just have a slight preference for a thinner body? Everyone has their preferences and ideals, as long as he doesn't let those preferences affect the relationship I would not stress about it. But if he is genuinely critical of your body as it is (and not just trying to be supportive in a bumbling way) that is a red flag.


Time, stress, children... All of these will affect your appearance. Any guy who attaches too much value to a young, thin, sexy body is bad news long term. But you need to ascertain if he is really making an issue of this or if you are, because both reactions will have a huge impact on the future of your relationship. Work on yourself first, and then try to work with him and figure out where he's coming from. That will help both of you, I think :)


Hope this makes some sense!

Wow Actic Mama - that is fabulous and insightful advice!

I have no such wisdom to offer, I'm afraid. All I can say is that if my husband told me I was gorgeous or beautiful it would totally make my day!

We've been together for 20 years and I know he loves me, but he's never, not even once - not even on our wedding day! - told me I'm beautiful. And I know it's because I'm not and never will be beautiful, but I'd still be pretty pleased to hear him say it every once in a while, even if he qualified it by saying 'to me you're beautiful'! :D:D:D But - sigh - after 20 years I guess that ain't ever going to happen...

Sadly I've reached the age of almost 45 without being told even once in my entire life that I'm beautiful/gorgeous (even by my doting dad!), so those of you ladies that hear such compliments from your significant others should count your lucky stars and simply say 'thank you'!!!

*hugs* That's really harsh. Everyone is beautiful in some ways and every daughter should be told so by their parents if not by their significant others.

My daughter is only 2 but I have told her every day of her life so far how precious and beautiful and gorgeous she is - And I promised myself I would do this for ever!

I know what you mean about just accepting it and saying thanks when we recieve a compliment. It can be hard when you have low self esteem and truly don't believe them - because it feels like being lied to, but I make every effort to accept compliments from my husband, or else one day they may run out! Why would you continue to call someone beautiful if all you ever got in return was, "No I'm not!". I now try to respond with a compliment as that way I don't have to accept what he's said but I don't reject it either and hopefully it makes him feel good, too as men need confidence boosts as well sometimes.

So in this house it quite often goes like this:

Hubby: I love you so much, you're beautiful.

Me: Aww, you're so gorgeous - I love you too!

Try it, it creates such a nice atmosphere and you also find you're complimented a lot more often and the more you hear it, the easier it is to take in... a small part of you might even begin to believe it, too! :hug:

Whoa whoa whoa....Ok, after reading your first post, I understood where you were coming from but could agree that maybe you needed to lighten up on him.

But then I saw this:

"this is the same guy who only a couple weeks ago wanted to break up with me to be with someone very thin, and his reason for not breaking up with me almost became 'I should be patient for you to lose the weight.'"

For me, I think that would be a deal breaker. To admit he's excited for you to look better is one thing, but to threaten to break up with you for someone thinner...I feel like that's not okay.

Lol, my boyfriend has finally learned to just smile and say nothing whenever I bring up me losing weight.

He can't win. He can't cheer me on in losing weight because that means he wants me to lose weight, which means he's tired of my big behind. He can't tell me I look fine the way I am because that means he doesn't want me to lose weight because I'll be hot and find someone else, meaning I'm currently not hot. Poor men.

But when you say "almost," is this what he actually said, or what you think he meant?

I have to agree.

I don't think you're being silly, I think you have valid reason to be insecure with him. Honestly, you shouldn't be with anyone who doesn't want to be with you just as bad as you want to be with them. I don't mean to judge, but it seams like you're running head first into heartbreak. I mean, come on, he wanted to leave you for someone thinner, that's a red flag that he's not really in love with you. If it ain't love, it ain't worth it.

[QUOTE= All I can say is that if my husband told me I was gorgeous or beautiful it would totally make my day!

We've been together for 20 years and I know he loves me, but he's never, not even once - not even on our wedding day! - told me I'm beautiful. And I know it's because I'm not and never will be beautiful, but I'd still be pretty pleased to hear him say it every once in a while, even if he qualified it by saying 'to me you're beautiful'! :D:D:D But - sigh - after 20 years I guess that ain't ever going to happen...

Sadly I've reached the age of almost 45 without being told even once in my entire life that I'm beautiful/gorgeous (even by my doting dad!), so those of you ladies that hear such compliments from your significant others should count your lucky stars and simply say 'thank you'!!![/QUOTE]



In 21 years of marriage my husband has never called me beautiful either. Or pretty. Or cute. The most complimentary thing he does is tell me I'm not too bad looking for a woman my age.

I originally strove to lose weight after he described a newly slim daughter of a friend as a"real hottie." I wasn't jealous but I'd hoped that after I'd lost weight he'd say the same thing about me.

So far he hasn't and I don't think he's ever going to.

Hold on a sec, was the reason why he almost left you for a much thinner woman because she was very thin, or was that just one factor among many? Are you focusing too much just on that one thing, when there could be other explanations?

What I'm trying to say is that unless he flat out told you that he almost left you because he wants a thinner woman, period, then that's not a conclusion that you should necessarily jump too - especially when he's told you repeatedly that he wants to be with you whatever you weigh.

I dunno...maybe the skinny gal doesn't bite his head off every time he tries to pay her a compliment? Maybe she's more comfortable in her own body and her own skin (because we all know how sexy confidence is, whatever your body size and shape)? Maybe his comment about needing to be patient while you lose your weight relates more to his feeling that he's walking on eggshells at the present time, rather than because he doesn't find you attractive at your current size.

Sometimes there are shades of grey that we're too close to see...so we pick out bits and try to convince ourselves that they're black or white because grey is just too confusing. But sometimes there are alternative explanations for a person's behaviour, and you need to delve a little deeper to find out what they are.

I agree with the other posters that if he genuinely has a preference for skinny women and you being bigger is a deal-breaker for him then it should also be a deal-breaker for you. You should never settle for being anyone's second best, because its a recipe for long-term disaster.

But if you're not 100% sure of his reasons for nearly leaving you, I'd maybe just have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and bottom this out once and for all. And if, during that conversation, he swears on a stack of bibles that he loves you for who you are, regardless of your size, then maybe, just maybe, you should take him at his word.

@Magrat - I think you may be right, if he hasn't said it yet, he's not likely to...but then again, one day you may get the surprise of your life!

Hope springs eternal, and I'm still hoping to hear the immortal words from my hubby one day...even though it gets less likely with every passing year :p.

It was one factor out of two, actually. One of the reasons was that he didn't want to settle down and he wanted to sow his wild oats. I understood that much, he's a young adult whose only serious relationship has been with me. I get that. But he specified that he wanted to be with, and I'll quote him exactly, "someone skinny and pretty... Er, I'm sorry. That's redundant." So his driving force wasn't my appearance, but his own desire to explore.

Of course, I told him at this point that there's no way he could stay with me until he found someone that wanted to sleep with him (he loves me so much, and I KNOW that. What's he's looking for isn't a full on relationship with someone else, but just... sex). At first he agreed, but then the conversation lead him to say that maybe he shouldn't give up on me yet, and be patient for me until I lost the weight that I wanted.

I told him that too wasn't fair for me. You know, that kind of pressure is unreasonable, and it's just not... okay. So he sat back and thought long and hard about it again and came to the conclusion that giving up our relationship, where we love and care so much for each other, over his male urges is silly, and he said that when and if he breaks up with me, it'll be over the relationship, and not appearance.

...I guess saying all this enlightens me that the whole thing wasn't about me at all. He's just as insecure as I am, I guess, and wants to find validation by getting a real hottie to swoon over him.

This conversation happened about a month ago, but every time he mentions something about my weight, it comes back. If I don't make it, will he want to leave again? What if I do, and I don't look the way he wants me to? Will he ever just accept me? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because through everything else he's earned that, but I'm afraid of setting myself up for heartbreak.

I never lash out at him, just ask him if he could tweak his comments. (I mean, I used examples of the more innocent ones. There are others that hurt a lot more than these innocent ones--that aren't MEANT to be mean, but they still are--that I didn't and don't want to share. I don't want to make him out to look like a bad guy when, in fact, he isn't. I just can't get this one terrible instance out of my mind.) But I didn't ask for this before our conversation. It all came from the conversation. Still, I'm going to back off from taking his comments the wrong way.

Wow Vulpix, relationships are complicated, aren't they?

You sound as though you have the kind of relationship where you can deeply discuss your feelings, and that's not such a common thing! And you sound as though you've thought long and hard about the pros and cons of whether he's worth hanging in there for or not.

Sometimes you just have to go with your gut. At the beginning of my relationship with my hubby I was SO insecure, especially on account of his previous girlfriend (who had dumped him), because he was obviously still infatuated with her and it didn't help matters that she was:
a) exotic (from NYC, which is exotic if you live in England)
b) a lingerie model (I kid you not!)
c) mega wealthy (her parents had bought her an apartment in the same building as Woody Allen, for chrissakes!)

Unfortunately I gather she was also mega-high maintenance, had a filthy temper, and was not adverse to using physical violence if he crossed her in any way...so not everthing was plain sailing. Oh, and did I mention the small fact that she dumped him (for a richer, more good-looking guy)?

How the **** could I compete with that? I was fat, plain, working-class and not the least bit exotic...but I guess I do have some plus points! For one thing I'm a sweetie most of the time :D and I'm not too modest to admit that I have a pretty good personality. I'm kind, soft-hearted and fun to be around, and I'm loyal as **** when I care about someone. So despite the fat and the lack of prettiness, I'd like me if I was I guy, you know what I'm saying?

Well, back then he was obviously still crazy about her (he kept her photo in his wallet and another on his dresser for our first 18 months together), and the day he (finally) told me that he loved me was the day those photos were finally put to the back of a drawer.

ALL my girlfriends told me to get out...that he was never going to love me, that I'd always be second best for him, that I deserved better etc....but something just told me to hang on in there....so I did...and here we are 20 years later, and he never lets a day pass without telling me he loves me...and I know that he means it.

Fleeting insecurities will pass if you know in your gut that there's something worth fighting for. And if it's not meant to be, you'll reach that realisation in your own good time.

Hang on in there, and good luck! You sound as though you have some solid foundations to work on if you decide to stick with it!

I wouldn't count on anything long-term with this guy.

One of these days he'll be gone, or you'll find out he's been busy elsewhere.

Concentrate on yourself and what you want. Don't lose weight because anyone, boyfriend or otherwise, wants you to.

Good luck...
Jay