You don't have to avoid them if that isn't possible. Just avoid meals with them if they can't be supportive or at least polite about it.
Just don't eat with them. Go your separate ways for dinner and meet up later at the bowling alley, mini golf, bookstore, whatever.
Firm up your boundaries if you manage to agree on a compromise restaurant and they still fuss at you. "My meals are not up for discussion."
Or want to give a reason that is "acceptable" to get most off your back? Play the health card.
I go with "I'm trying to lower my cholesterol without meds" rather than give the real reasons of PCOS/IR and whatnot because I don't feel like discussing the wonkiness of my female plumbing. "Lower cholesterol" has the benefit of being widely known already, and kinda "boring."
If people are so rude as to put you on the spot repeatedly, make fun, etc. even after you have defined boundaries... walk out, go home.
Life's too short to put up with things that gives you no pleasure. I can't see why it would be pleasurable to dine with people who are being annoying.
The stress of the first time walking out surely must be less than ongoing chronic stress of putting up with these awkward moments.
Sometimes the choices in life aren't win-lose kinds of choices.
It's stinky choice - stinky choice, and you just pick the one that stinks least.
Thank you all so much for your advice. In most cases I do just say no thanks and sit it out but I guess I should have added a little more detail.
I'm going to be going on a trip that I did not plan nor have much control over. This is how most things go as it's my mother in law who plans these things and it's a sort of 'hey look how great I am for doing this for you' even if I'd rather not. I could choose to just not go but there is other family that is going and I'd look like a real ugly if I stayed home.
I'm not going to be at home nor will I have any transportation available to me, I plan to pack as much as I can in the way of food and snacks to have but there is only so much you can take on a plane. I'm not sure there is any good answer for this but it's come up so much that I simply don't know what do anymore. My 4 year old doesn't quite understand when we go to restaurants (having already eaten to avoid eating there), it's hard for her to sit and watch everyone else eat and smell the food, etc. And of course mother in law encourages it.
As for taking responsibility of MY weight loss, well I understand that and I have. If I hadn't taken responsibility for it I wouldn't have gotten this far, I'd have given up long ago as this is nothing new. I never make anyone else eat like me or do what I do.
I guess a better question would be how to deal with people (who try their best to make it hard on you) and situations when you have very limited control and throw a 4 year old in the mix.
I'm still curious what sorts of restaurants you are talking about that have no healthy (or at least healthier options at all). Even fast food places - you can get a kids meal so it's small portions, and get a small hamburger, apple slices (skip the caramel) and milk or water or diet soda. No, it's not ideal, but you can still eat something and not be wildly off plan. Bring fruits and veggies that you can eat raw to supplement and snack on and you should escape without too much damage. And you daughter can eat similarly to you, as you model what it's like to make better choices even when there are things on the menu that might be more tempting.
It isn't exactly that I can't find ANYTHING (well some places really do only offer junk) but it's the principle of the thing.
I DO NOT want to eat at these places, she knows I do not want to eat at these places. I've broken down and cried at a restaurant because it had nothing in front of her, she is very well aware of how much it matters to me but she drags me out of my element and where I have a little control and takes me to these places.
I don't know how to deal with her. I simply do not, know.
Can you suggest restaurants you know you can eat at? I'm allergic to a common food -- dairy -- so when my friends want to go out for things like pizza, I tell them I'll only go if we can go to a pizza place with a salad bar. But you can make it sound nice, like, "Oh, can we go [here] instead of [there]? They have a great salad bar/menu/whatever." If they say no, eat beforehand and just order something small like an appetizer or a house salad.
It sounds like you need to work on having an adult relationship with this woman. She can't "drag" you anywhere without your consent.
Unless she's kidnapping you at gunpoint, she hasn't been dragging you anywhere, you are allowing yourself to be persuaded. It's important that you see that you have a choice in this (and if you feel you don't you need to call a domestic violence shelter, because adults have choices).
If you're giving in to her choices sometimes, that's fair - but if you always allow her to make all of the choices, she's going to continue to expect it. If you always let her bully, or persuade you to her choice, she's always going to get her way, and it has more to do with you than her.
It doesn't matter what you think she knows or doesn't know - if you always give in, it's a pattern that will continue. I know I've had a similar relationships with people in the past, and often I really think they were convinced that if I allowed myself to always be persuaded it was because I really wanted to be.
When you say no, but eventually give in (often, if not always) you may not see it as a mixed message, but often other people do. And some people are so focused on what they want, that if they can get someone to agree to it, they're going to let themselves believe that the person was happy to give in.
Unless they're a bully and an abuser - in which case you need professional help, nonone thinks that if they persuade someone to agree to something (even if the person seemed unwilling at first) that the person REALLY is unhappy about it. She probably is not thinking "I know she hates being here, but I don't care because I want to RUIN her diet."
But, it really doesn't matter what she's thinking. What matters is why aren't you standing up for yourself at least half of the time. Why aren't you getting your way 1/2 the time (and it probably has more to do with you than her - unless she is abusive, and in that case as before I suggest counseling).
I know my own husband believes that if I can be persuaded to agree with his choice, it's the same as it being my choice (otherwise, I wouldn't agree). I can't tell you how many arguments we've had when he said "well, if you didn't want to do X, why did you agree to do X - and if I say "it wasn't worth an argument," he'll say "that makes no sense." And he's right - if I give in - it is the same as it being my choice, because it was my choice to give in.
You really only have two choices. Stand up for yourself, or don't. What you can not expect from any one else (even people who love and care for you deeply) to look out for your best interests more than you do. If you won't stand up for you, no one else will (and they won't even know they're stepping on you).
Learn to say no. You can say it politely, softly, loudly, rudely - anway you want to - but learn to say it and mean it.
You don't have to say it all the time. Sometimes you can let people have their way too - but it can and should be a choice.
If you can't stand up for yourself, get counseling, take a self-defense course or a public speaking course - something that will help you learn to communicate and stiffen your backbone. You don't want to teach your daughter that a woman should always let other people have all the choices.
I could choose to just not go but there is other family that is going and I'd look like a real ugly if I stayed home.
Why would it look ugly? Maybe we can help you think of a polite let down that isn't ugly.
Even a simple "Oh, that isn't going to work for us on our calendar. Thanks for thinking of us!. But you guys have fun! See you when you get back. I look forward to hearing all about it!"
Why are MIL's desires and needs more important than your own or your family's?
My needs and my family's needs trump the needs of extended relatives. And when I'm the extended relative, I would expect the need of the immediate family people to take priority over me. That's only natural.
Does your MIL think have trouble realizing she's extended family now that her children are grown, married, and with kids of their own? Or is she thinking like its still all immediate family, but with extra "kids", and being the mom, she's just the boss of all?
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I guess a better question would be how to deal with people (who try their best to make it hard on you) and situations when you have very limited control and throw a 4 year old in the mix.
Without details, I can't be detailed in response.
But in general I stand up and say "Well, its been nice to visit, but it is time for us to go. We have to get started on the child's bedtime routine..."
Or whatever other reason. Child is getting antsy and needs to walk around/get to a playground. We have another social engagement to get to. Have to get up early the next morning.
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she is very well aware of how much it matters to me but she drags me out of my element and where I have a little control and takes me to these places.
Does she pay your food bills? Do you live with MIL? Are you saying that you won't get to eat at all if you do not go to her restaurant choices? Does she have the only car?
I'm confused over the "no control."
Is this about being really powerless/being oppressed or is this still about letting people down gently but firmly?
@kaplods - You made a lot of really good points. Most of the time I do stand up for myself and just say no, when it's just visits I sit out most of time, after a really nasty blow up on my birthday non the less when I refused to eat out. I now tell my husband I just do not want to go and to please make sure our daughter eats within our 'rules'. The problems really arise when she plans these 'trips' she spends the money and they tells us (or at least me, I hope my husband doesn't know and is keeping it from me) hey look what I'm doing for you guys. If I want to go and be around the family I have to go and be under her control as she's the one with the money and usually the rented car in these instances. I try to make due and I make it clear when I will NOT eat somewhere (my birthday for instance) but the stress of it is just getting to be to much. I'm tired of fighting with her and this trip will throw in family that I would rather not do this in front of.
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Originally Posted by astrophe
Does your MIL think have trouble realizing she's extended family now that her children are grown, married, and with kids of their own? Or is she thinking like its still all immediate family, but with extra "kids", and being the mom, she's just the boss of all?
You could not have hit the nail more squarely on the head. She was very happy being the boss of my husband and when I came around that ended and it's been a battle ever since. He's her only child and she is unmarried/not dating. We moved here, she followed.
When I first started dieting she insisted she wanted to take me clothes shopping, I told her no of course because I didn't plan to stay at the weight I was at, she referred to it as "oh that 'thing' you are doing." That one statement pretty much sums up how she's reacted to my whole weight loss, I'm sure she never thought I'd succeed.
I'm sorry I was so vague in the first post, I sort of wanted to steer away from a rant about my MIL but it seems to have come to that anyways. I'm just at my wits end here. I want to see the family and the sights of this trip but I don't want it to be the battle of wills I know it'll turn out to be. Every time I get one trip done and behind me she's got another one up her sleeve. You'd think I'd be so lucky? This is just one more of many, my husband would be very hurt if I didn't go on these and I do it mostly for him. He would love nothing more for us to be best buds but it's just not going to happen.
Sorry for the long post. As you can tell this is something I've been doing for some time now and like I said, I just don't know what to do anymore.
You cannot change others, only how you choose to react to their crazy.
First... have you talked to husband? And how you feel? And how you can better manage healthy boundaries?
It's like you are split between pleasing the MIL or pleasing husband, but neglect you. Do you try to please you?
I do stuff with relatives to please my DH as he does for me... but that's at the price tag size of hanging out a few hours on some Sat for a cookout or something where we show up, participate, and leave. Not at the price tag of being trapped for days as a vacation hostage.
Consider new tactics for dealing with MIL. Is she any of these types?
Thing is, there's going to be some waves. So what? Do what you always have done, get what you have always gotten.
Stick to your new tactics even when MIL tests the boundaries to see if you are going to hold firm or not.
Boldly be the captain of your own ship! You don't have to be rude while doing it, but do sail and steer your boat! Don't just let the waves toss you about every which way.
