Sensitive about comments
 

Hello all,

I just have been really sensitive lately about comments people make to me and am wondering if this is just a phase or what. For instance, my father in law was over and I was telling him how tired my body is from all the workouts. I wasn't seeking a solution, but just sort of explaining how tired I am. He said, "What do you want to do, be ugly?" Well, that was basically him saying that I was ugly when I was 55 lbs. heavier and that kind of hurt my feelings. By the way, he's no supermodel. ;)

Then, I ran into a friend of mine and her hubby (who is a very sweet man). He told me how slim I was looking and out of pride (or stupidity), I told him that I had lost 55 lbs.! He said, "How do you GAIN 55 lbs?" I know he probably didn't mean it as a cruel comment, but it still hurt. I told him that it's called a binge eating disorder and that food is my drug, so he went on to say that it's his favorite drug too, trying to maybe smooth out his comment? I don't know.

So, my question is: am I being too sensitive? I also don't feel comfortable when people tell me how beautiful I'm looking. It's like they're saying in so many words, that I was looking horrid before, no? I know everyone means well, but I just don't know how to react to my body being this way. I wish people weren't so focused on appearances, but I know we all are to an extent.

Any words of wisdom? Thanks in advance!

Daniel

I think it's easy to be too sensitive. I've had people say all sorts of things to me... "Your face looks so pretty now..." and then a pause as they realize that this might imply it wasn't before, and I might be offended.

For the most part, I try to assume that people mean to be complimentary and just don't know what to say gracefully. So I just say "Thank you."

That works better for the "keep getting smaller" comment than the "ugly" comment above. And of course, some people don't mean to be nice... but I try not to be offended if I can help it...

This is one reason that I am really choosy who I talk to about my weight. I made the mistake of telling my Mom how much I lost, and now whenever we're out and about, she says, "Windchime has lost weight! See how good she looks!" I know she's just proud of me but it makes me feel self-conscious to know that people are checking out my body and either appreciating it or trying to figure out how much fatter I was before.

I just don't feel that personal comments about a person's weight are OK. And the quip about "Keep getting smaller!" is just so weird. Because yeah, it's like they're saying, "It's better to be smaller than big, and you're still too big, so keep up the good work!" Ugh.

Yeah, maybe we are too sensitive but people also need to stop and THINK about what they're saying. Mostly I just try to chalk it up to people being a little thoughtless rather than being vicious. I know I've said thoughtless things, too, so I will promise to try to think before I speak if others will too! :)

I think you have to look at who he is and his actions of the past. If he is a college professor who knows every nuance and consequence of the words he uses, then you should be pissed. If he is a guy who often says stupid things, then you should just mark it as par for the course. Also, what would be his motivation? Does he often try to raise your hackles? Or was it just an innocent blast of hot air?

I just going to be throwing out some food for thought. Don't know if it applies to you but it is/was my situation. Oh and by the way I used to be sensitive about comments but I have became used to it. At one time I weighted 195, last year I lost all the way down to 157 then promptly as you can tell by my ticker went right back up to present which is 178-179.

At 157 people did comment about how much better i looked and so on. I became to realize they were right. I didn"t look better because some miracle happened and my whole face/body changed. How I dressed was better. Actual clothes that fit not clothes where I could hide a massive stomach. I carried myself more confidently. I had a general whole different positive outlook in life. And now since I have gained so much back guess what. Mornings I am back to running out my house not caring if my hair is done or if I have makeup on or what my clothes even look like. Matching is my only criteria. :lol: So maybe what people are really commenting on is how you are presenting yourself which usually noticed in a looks kinda way not in a "oh look at her she looks so much more confident" kinda way.

Great advice and comments. Thanks so much everyone! I think my father in law's comment about being ugly was just him being honest. He is not a mean person, but he has no filter and so even though he doesn't have Tourret's Syndrome, I will have to see it as that kind of a comment.

The truth is that I DO look like a completely different person when I'm light vs. heavy. Also, I do make much more of an effort to dress, do my hair, makeup, etc....but when my friend's hubby saw me, I was drenched with sweat after an intense gym workout. I think he was just being blunt and honest and maybe that's not so terrible. I have a friend who is very much "tell it like it is," which can suck, but then, when she gives you a complement, you KNOW its' the truth! ;)

Mainly, I will just have to stop telling people how much weight I've lost. That's what I have this place for, right? ;)

Thanks again everyone. :)

Yes, think of what your f-i-l said as being the same thing as "NO PAIN NO GAIN"! Maybe that's what he meant and just said it in a cruder way!

People do say stupid things to us when we are losing weight. But - when I was a kid my mom always quoted Eleanor Roosevelt - "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"!


Whenever someone gives you a compliment or says anything that could even remotely be taken as a compliment (even if its a left handed one) - smile and say THANK YOU! Act like you know you are beautiful! If you don't feel beautiful and confident - fake it til you make it. :)

Just thought I would throw my 2 cents in here. I used to be really sensitive about this sort of thing. Now I just say "THANKS!" in a confident manner and let it be. I really think because of all of our pasts being overweight we are oversensitive. True, some can actually mean it in a bad way, but I think for the most part people aren't trying to say we were ugly before, just that we look better now... which is the truth! I think they do mean it as a compliment, especially if it comes from someone who never had a weight issue - they don't realize what they are saying might be taken badly, because they have never experienced all the feelings we have. I think you should cheer inside every time someone says something about you looking better. It means you are on the right track!! :yes:

I don't discuss weightloss--well, rarely--except for here. When someone brings it up to me casually I shut it down pretty quick. I know from experience that talking about it can often lead to uncomfortable comments or debate. I am not okay with either.

i would take comments are compliments. i mean, think about how difficult it is to comment on other people's weight.
for example, i have a friend who is a guy, and he and i have been going to the gym together because he wants to lose weight too. Now, from the very beginning ive thought he's super cute. ya he's got flaws, but in general he's cute and no lie, hes really attractive to me. So im having a really hard time figuring out what to say when he talks to me about his weight loss. It's hard to find the line between letting him know that hes already attractive, letting him know that his hard work is paying off and i can tell that he's losing weight, motivating him to keep going toward his goal, all while being both supportive, honest, motivating, and sensitive at the same time!!!
Its hard work.
at the same time, he sees my weight loss and has a hard time with what to say to me. Because i do look tons better now than i did before, but he struggles with how to say that without offending how i used to look.

Its like we want people to acknowledge that we've lost weight, but we also want them to be honest, but we also want them to make us feel good about how far we come, but we also want to be motivated to go further. We are hard to please lol and unless someone has gone through and understands all the conflicting emotions that comes with weight loss, it is hard for them to understand what to say verses what not to say.
Give them a break and give them the benefit of the doubt!

I always try to think about this, "Consider the source!"

I think the "how did you gain 55?" would have bothered me the most. I was up there and started off needing to lose that much. I don't tell people how much I weigh or how much I need to lose.

I did tell my best friend I wanted to lose 45 and she was like, "you need to lose that much? I didn't think so.. " I took that as a good thing coming from her.

Its just a really touchy subject, but when people comment just say thanks and move on. :)

Honestly, I'd brush it off. But then *I'm* one of those people with very little filter so if someone asked me "How do you GAIN 55 lbs?!?!" I'd probably respond with a smart alec comeback -- "Well certainly not with celery sticks and water." or "Cookies and Rum, what else?" Ask a stupid question, you'll get a stupid response. ;)

Other than that, maybe just try to look on the bright side at least now the comments are in your favor. I've gotten some doozies in the past over weight I've gained so getting them over weight I've lost would be a welcome change of pace. One man asked me "What the h*ll happened to you?" and another pointed out "There's more of you around here than there was last time I saw you." and motioned to his abdomen. Gah!

I don't think you're being overly-sensitive at all, I would be upset by those comments. That being said, I think that you should just take the comments with a grain of salt. People say stupid things. I know sometimes I say stupid things. Of course, this is easier said than done, but...there's no reason that you should feel bad just because some of the people in your life walk around with their feet in their mouth.

And as for thinking too much about appearances ... sometimes that's all there is to talk about.

"Morning. How are you?"
"Good and you?" Nod, nod, nod ...
"Good, good. Cold huh?"
"Sure is!" Struggle, shuffle and lose eye contact. " ... um ... yes ... I ... um ... had to wear my heavy coat."
Jumping at the chance to talk about something other than the weather ... "I saw that! Is it new? Guess the one from last year is too big now, huh?"