No, you're not being overly sensitive. People say dumb things because people are thoughtless sometimes.
My father asked me how much weight I'd lost. I told him "65 pounds" (it actually might have been 55 back when this happened -either way, it was a large amount). He said, "Wow, that's a lot! You must have been really big!"
I know he didn't mean to hurt my feelings but I chalk it up to good ole' Open-Mouth-Insert-Foot. Sometimes we don't think.
Like you LM, I tell people how much I've lost (and sometimes I wonder if I should keep quiet about it). I am proud of it, though! ...but, I know the number of pounds I've lost is circulating through my friends because of my pride. Oh well...
I felt the same way when my dad told me i should have been worrying about my health all along. I got so upset with him i acctually yelled at one of my biggest supporters. I feel that the battle with weight is just so difficult and we make ourselves so invested in it that it is a touchy subject. I think the best thing to do it tell them that those comments hurt you.
so I dont think it is a phase for me at least it isn't
I don't think people realize that what they're saying sounds rude. If anything, I bet they're trying to compliment you. Weight is such a sensitive topic, and when people come across a friend who has obviously lost weight, it's kind of an awkward situation. Do you say something about it? Do you ignore it? If you say something, what do you say without sounding like a jerk? Even though I've lost weigh and know what it's like to be the person on the receiving end of comments, I still struggle with finding the right words to say to other people. And then if I do decide to say something, I often get tripped up over the words trying to make it sound polite and it actually sounds rude. I personally like the comments about my weight loss, it means that people notice a difference.
I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. I think those particular comments were really just plain dumb, though not intentionally so. I guess we're all going to have to switch some of this fat over to a thicker skin. We're all going to get them to be sure.
I love the advice about you having more confidence and carrying yourself better. That's a big part of it, to be sure.
Also, I think when we lose weight, people see us as no longer fat and therefore part of a new club...the club that makes fun of fat people. It's like they think we decided one day not to be fat so now we could make fun of them. I can't explain quite what I mean, but they forget that we haven't changed and the feelings are still there and that NO ONE has the right to make fun of...well anyone really.
I think that people who have never been through what we have don't have any clue of what to say without being offensive. It's kind of like talking to a pregnant woman; there are only a few things you can say - "You are beautiful" and "You are glowing". Everything else can be interpreted so many different ways, and the recipient gets offended.
People have no clue what to say in so many situations and usually don't mean to be offensive (unless it's my MIL of course ) so try to take it as a compliment and the people in your life trying to be supportive. It drives me nuts when my mom tries to be supportive because it comes off as being critical, so I don't discuss my weight with her, but I know she just wants me to be happy, so I try to ignore it.
Let's face it; any comment that is meant to be supportive of our efforts, in a backhanded way, makes it sound like they thought we were unacceptable before. I always tend to feel like if they like me the way I am, what if I gain it all back - are they going to hate me then? Probably not, but I'm pretty sensitive about my weight (and I need to remember that my MIL hates me no matter what I weigh )
I used to find it very embarrassing to discuss my weight loss. I avoided talking about it with others whenever I could. I am getting a bit better about it now. I realized that people who see me, especially those who haven't seen me in a while, are going to notice that I've lost weight and are probably going to mention it. I am getting better at just saying 'thanks' and moving the conversation along.
Sometimes I wonder if people think it might actually be rude if they didn't say something. Like they think we expect it? Maybe the changes are sometimes just so drastic they feel compelled to say something, it just doesn't always come out right? With weight being such a sensitive topic, I think it sometimes invites awkward comments because people want to say something nice they just don't know exactly what to say.
I have had a few situations where people have said something strange to me. I try to consider the source and if it is someone I know means well, I just give them the benefit of the doubt. If it's someone that I have a feeling was trying to be snarky on purpose, I just try to let it go. Isn't always easy, but I've found it's not really worth wasting my time or energy fretting over.
Also, I think when we lose weight, people see us as no longer fat and therefore part of a new club...the club that makes fun of fat people. It's like they think we decided one day not to be fat so now we could make fun of them. I can't explain quite what I mean, but they forget that we haven't changed and the feelings are still there and that NO ONE has the right to make fun of...well anyone really.
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Originally Posted by Cali Doll
Oh man that is SO true!!! It really makes me uncomfortable...and it's insulting that someone thinks I'm that shallow and cruel.
I'm finding that some of my "friends" now think that I'm a "skinny b*#ch". Ouch--that hurts.
I solve this problem by not telling anybody I am dieting. Eventually some one will notice and say something. Have you lost weight is a common question I usually say "Yes, and I did it on purpose " then change the subject. Sometimes I get those thoughtless comments , too. I don't know why it is ok to call overweight people , fat , ugly , careless, lazy, etc. But it happens . I just try not to let it get to me. They honestly think they have the right to comment on such a personal matter. Don't know why.
I think it's a real catch-22 for people trying to comment. I mean, most of us trying to lose weight are doing it to feel better and be healthier but also want to look better too. So a lot of the time, even if it comes out awkwardly, people are agreeing we look better at a lower weight. And there's no way around it, that means you looked worse at a higher weight. But you can't really have it both ways.
fwiw, for some weird reason, I haven't been getting any comments at all except from members of my immediate family. I *know* I look different, and I just had an experience over the weekend where a much smaller pair of jeans was still too big for me. But for whatever reason, my coworkers and friends have decided to not say anything, at least not yet. And I'll be honest, that doesn't feel particularly good either. So I'd say to recognize that unless someone is a major league jerk, chances are they mean well, even if it doesn't come out that smoothly.
I'm finding that some of my "friends" now think that I'm a "skinny b*#ch". Ouch--that hurts.
I worry about this. At my highest I was still the "skinny one" with my two best friends. Weight has been a struggle for all three of us. I worry that they won't want to be around me anymore once we no longer have that in common. But then, I know if they were reading this, they'd wonder how I could possibly think they'd be that shallow. I know I'd be jealous of them if they lost all the weight and I couldn't. So it's a genuine fear. I've seen it happen too many times.
Recently I've been getting a lot of those "You look great! ...not that you didn't look great before" comments. :-) I don't mind the regular "You look great!" comments. People don't need to tell me I looked good heavier, too. That doesn't offend me.
What I don't like are comments that aren't complimentary but crass.
Why can't people see the difference between "Your weight loss is so inspiring. You look great." and "You must have been HUGE!"?? lol! ...I'll never know. :P
What I don't like are comments that aren't complimentary but crass.
Why can't people see the difference between "Your weight loss is so inspiring. You look great." and "You must have been HUGE!"?? lol! ...I'll never know. :P
You just hit the nail on the head. We aren't talking about looking for a hidden agenda on innocent compliments. Asking somebody "What do you want to do, be ugly?" can only be construed one way. Rude, and insensitive.
I don't think most of us are talking about backhanded or poorly worded compliments. We get that we are more attractive when we lose weight (although I must say, that not all of us let ourselves go when we are heavier and therefore people are noticing that we are suddenly dressing better). I get all of that. I think what we are talking about are the people who suddenly let us know what they've been thinking about us all along. It just isn't necessary to share your judgements with me.
Having said all of that, I truly do appreciate every encouragement I've gotten from the people I know. The majority of them are wonderful in expressing themselves. I feel loved and encouraged by most of the people in my life. I don't make it a point to discuss this journey with most people but the fact of the matter is that as I lose more wt it becomes noticable. There is no getting around that!
I don't let the occasional rude and insensitive person keep me down. But, I do feel hurt for a moment and then I move on. I will not say thank you to someone who is rude/insensitive. That would not be comfortable to me. I will call you on being rude everytime--even if it's just the look on my face. I would take a poorly worded compliment in the spirit given and say thank you to that in a heart beat. I think most of us can tell the difference.
I am so grateful that for the most part I share this journey with all of the wonderful people at 3FC. I wouldn't for a moment expect anyone else to understand what I go through and it's nice to have a community here that does.
I like comments (except the man who asked me if my husband 'put his foot down'), but I HATE the eye flick, when people take a long look at my body, like they are noting all the changes. I know they aren't meaning to be rude, and I have worked with these people for 5+ years and they've never seen me anywhere near this thin, but it really, really makes me uncomfortable. It's not sexual--it's mostly women--but it still creeps me out. Part of it is that I worry they are thinking Bad Things, but mostly I just don't like to be looked at.
We're all going to get them to be sure.
) so try to take it as a compliment and the people in your life trying to be supportive. It drives me nuts when my mom tries to be supportive because it comes off as being critical, so I don't discuss my weight with her, but I know she just wants me to be happy, so I try to ignore it.
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