I totally jinxed myself by reading this thread yesterday. I ended up having a horrid conversation with one of my friends who is super tiny and complaining about how gross and fat she was.

Having been heavy and thought I was fat, and now weigh 130 lbs and SOMETIMES still feel fat, I empathize with people who seem to be at a normal weight and still feel fat.

On this board, there are a lot of people who weigh more than me, on different phases of their journey. I would hope that you guys - my peeps! - would understand if I said I felt fat, even now.

Feeling fat and being fat are two different things. How I feel about me, does not reflect about how I feel about other people.

But, as posters said above, if I say "I feel fat" I would expect the answers to be "well, do something about it" and not "oh no, you're not fat, you're just fine." The "do something about it" does not necessarily mean eat fewer calories and exercise, it can be fix your HEAD not your pants size.

I think the air brushed perfected images that bombard us daily make being satisfied even harder.

I think I'm on the opposite end of everyone here.

Regardless of how skinny you are, or toned you are, or fat you are, everyone (well maybe not everyone, but most people) has "fat days". My five foot two, 95 pound roommate had days where she felt she was "fat". Now while she realizes that she couldn't be more wrong, she still feels "fat". And since it's not an every conversation occurrence I have no problem sympathizing with her.

Just because she weighs less than me, and I weigh less than person x. Doesn't mean that we only ever feel skinny, and only ever feel attractive. I think that the "I'm so fat!" complaints are okay in moderation (I know they pop up out of me when I'm on the rag.), a lot of times the person actually believes them and isn't just looking for compliments. I don't see how feeling fat is much different than feeling like you're having a bad hair day, or you're looking blah, or any other vanity based complaint.

Then there are the people who are told DAILY they are fat by verbally abusive parents and other kids. When I was in GRADE SCHOOL, and clearly not fat by today's standards of grade school kids, I was made fun of every single day at least once. Then I'd go home and get emotionally tortured by a ex-Marine (alcoholic) father who would call me a fat lazy b*tch. You know, after a while, no matter how much you weigh, if you hear it enough you believe it. My dad was calling me a fat b*tch from as early as my memory serves. In High school I crash dieted (and jumped rope for hours a day) to stay thin....but if I would have a secret binge or go off my diet for even ONE day he'd somehow know...and even though I was clearly still thin, he's say things like, "I can tell you have gone off your diet, I can clearly see you have already gained weight....

So, I kind of feel sorry for the people who say they are fat, because they just might have grown up in a verbally abusive household like me. It's hard when you have a parent who can only see your faults. Real hard. I'm sure in High school and even college I probably said the exact same thing, but it was only because I was told that earlier in the day by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

I liked saef's post. I frequently resort to putting myself down to fit in. I don't look around at the group and make an honest comparison first - I don't think to myself: "Hrm, I'm this big, and she's bigger - if I say I'm fat she'll feel awful.". Nope - the words "Oh man, me too! Have you SEEN the size of my thighs?" come flying out of my mouth as soon as the self-bashing begins. I want to fit in, and yes, I've been taught that this is how women fit in.

I really love this thread.. it's interesting to me to see all the takes on this topic.

thank you to everyone for sharing what are sometimes very personal stories.

Originally Posted by thinnerbyjuly:
I detest this too. For the negative self talk aspect but also because the two people I hear it from are :

5 ft 4 and 109

5 ft 6 and 140

Not fat at all. I can't always help but think " my heavens do you realize what you are saying to someone who truly is fat?!!!" and also " good heavens if you think you are so gross , disgusting and fat what does that make me or anyone else who is truly fat look like in your eyes????

Exactly. I tell them to shut up. :D

Originally Posted by Lori Bell:
Then there are the people who are told DAILY they are fat by verbally abusive parents and other kids. When I was in GRADE SCHOOL, and clearly not fat by today's standards of grade school kids, I was made fun of every single day at least once. Then I'd go home and get emotionally tortured by a ex-Marine (alcoholic) father who would call me a fat lazy b*tch. You know, after a while, no matter how much you weigh, if you hear it enough you believe it. My dad was calling me a fat b*tch from as early as my memory serves. In High school I crash dieted (and jumped rope for hours a day) to stay thin....but if I would have a secret binge or go off my diet for even ONE day he'd somehow know...and even though I was clearly still thin, he's say things like, "I can tell you have gone off your diet, I can clearly see you have already gained weight....

So, I kind of feel sorry for the people who say they are fat, because they just might have grown up in a verbally abusive household like me. It's hard when you have a parent who can only see your faults. Real hard. I'm sure in High school and even college I probably said the exact same thing, but it was only because I was told that earlier in the day by someone who was supposed to love me unconditionally.

I understand what you are saying, and I have a similar past, but I just don't really care when I hear skinny friends say that. Although I know that my friends that say that don't have the same experience as me...except, interestingly enough, one of them who is skinny in my eyes and has the same past as me.

When she said she was "fat," I disagreed with her. She explained that she was comparing herself to how she *was,* and so, therefore, in comparison, she was "fat." Makes sense to me.

Originally Posted by ThicknPretty:
I’m honestly kind of miffed at all the people in MY life who told me I wasn’t fat when clearly I was. And even if I wasn’t, I was unhappy with my body. No one ever came up and just said, “You really could stand to lose some weight.” I can’t say how I would have reacted had they said those words, but I think it might have been some motivation…

That would be incredibly rude, though.

I kind of assume that people who are really overweight know that they're overweight. They certainly don't need me to tell them they need to lose weight.

Originally Posted by KicknKnit:
We also have a living inspriation working here... she lost over 150lbs... and she money is tight for her so her clothes were not fitting well.. she was hesitant to buy new ones so her clothes would fit her for a few months and they they would start to sag...

The office pitched in and raised over $750 for her to go clothes shopping with.. talk about positive feedback. It was a thank you card for being such an inspiration to us all.

What an amazing gesture! I love that story.

But they also don't need anyone telling them they're NOT. Any time I felt bad about myself, I would go and whine to someone about how fat I was and they would invariably tell me that no, I wasn't at all! It made me feel better. I was fat. I still am.

But anyway, we're really talking about the skinny minnies who gripe about it!! Lol. I got a little off track I guess...I just think honesty is the best policy. Like some of the other posters have said, if someone is griping about their body, you just want to tell them to do something about it or hush already!! :)

ha..i get that "i'm fat!" from my boyfriend who is 6'2" and stays between 185 and 190lbs. SO not fat, especially for a guy!!! sure, he doesn't have the 6 pack abs that he used to when he was younger (he just turned 32 today!) but every time i hear him say that it makes me feel so much worse about myself. here i am in the 'overweight' range for my body type/height, and he's strongly in the middle of 'healthy' for his. it's not as bad as it was when i was in the 'obese' section for my height...but occasionally is still really gets to me.

i guess maybe he's just getting more self conscious abut himself as he's getting older. he's balding, got grey hair..the typical stuff for a 30 something year old male. which is completely understandable.. heck, i'm only 26 and already getting grey hairs!!

when he starts with the 'i'm fat!' talk, i just try to ignore how he's making me feel, and let him know that i still find him extremely attractive. giving him a little ego boost usually stops the 'i'm fat' talk from him..at least for a few days lol

I was an early pubescent, and I weighed more than any of my classmates from about the third to the eighth grade, when they began to catch up. It didn't matter that I was also significantly taller, bigger-boned, more developed, *and* more muscular. If I weighed ten pounds more than someone else my age, I was "fat." If anyone (usually a kid) told me I was fat, it only reinforced what I "knew" about myself, but if anyone (usually an adult) assured me I wasn't, I quickly filed it in the "they're just being polite" category. Of course I now realize I was not fat at that time, since clinically I wasn't in the "overweight" category until high school, but I certainly felt like it. And I saw the same fat image in the mirror then, that I see now.

I have never compared myself to others and said, "I won't mention being fat, because she's bigger than I am, and it will hurt her feelings." I truly never thought of the other person as *being* bigger. I can compare myself to a woman my height who weighs 100 pounds more than I do, and not see the difference. But if I look at another woman exactly my size--she can even be wearing my clothes--I will see myself as "hideously fat" but not see her the same way. If anything, I will see her as "pudgy" or "plump" or "heavy" but never unattractively so.

This said, I *hate* it when some little size 2 pipsqueak moans about how fat she is. In my case, maybe it is some kind of envy, because what's going on in my head is, "Jeez, how perfect do you expect yourself to be?" I once had a sister-in-law who was a size 2 and down on herself constantly. My then husband (now deceased) said it was because she had gained from a size 0, but when she was a size 0, she had complained then too. She was 5'8" and didn't have enough fat on her body to sustain a pregnancy. After every miscarriage, her doctor would tell her she's not going to have a successful pregnancy until she gains weight, and she'd whine "I'm tryinnnnggggg," but then she'd go take a Metabolife and spend hours on the bicycle...

I didn't have any sympathy for her. Maybe I should have. I don't know. I'd be terrible at counseling anorexics, wouldn't I?

Originally Posted by ThicknPretty:
But they also don't need anyone telling them they're NOT. Any time I felt bad about myself, I would go and whine to someone about how fat I was and they would invariably tell me that no, I wasn't at all! It made me feel better. I was fat. I still am.

But anyway, we're really talking about the skinny minnies who gripe about it!! Lol. I got a little off track I guess...I just think honesty is the best policy. Like some of the other posters have said, if someone is griping about their body, you just want to tell them to do something about it or hush already!! :)

When I used to complain about being fat when i was extremely overweight, my best friend would never try to sugar coat things, she would always acknowledge that I was bigger and mention tactfully that I could change it. I think If you do it right, honesty is good in these situations.

I have another good friend however, she is 5'10 weighs 155lbs. She really does think she is huge and says it all the time. I want to slap her every time she says it, because she looks great, but I tend to also think she is using "I'm fat" as a metaphor for "I'm not good enough"

I think all of the replies are correct. Negative talk just discourages instead of motivates!:carrot:

When i hear that comment from people (especially at work), i always invite them to participate in the next race that i am doing (i do a lot of the 5Ks and 10Ks in my area). Then they have some excuse as to why they can't. "Oh i can't run/walk that far!" etc etc! Well.. *I* can.. and i am obese. So there!