Intimacy
 

This isn't so much an issue of depression as it is one of self-esteem, but I wasn't sure where else to post this. So, do any of you ladies struggle with intimacy? I find it really difficult just to go on a date. Being friends with a guy is easy, but as soon as it turns into something more he won't hear from me. I can't help but avoid him because whenever I'm with him I have this fear that he's embarrassed to be with me. I'm constantly thinking of reasons to put myself down and I'm tired of it. I just want to be in a normal relationship in which I feel like I'm an equal partner. But I've never really gotten close to anyone before. And the only time I'm able to be physically intimate with someone is when I'm completely wasted. It's pathetic. I'm probably going to end up spending Valentines Day alone. I know, it's just a day. But just once I'd like to celebrate it with someone. Can any of you relate?

Yes completely. I wish I could be normal, but I'm just not.

V day is indeed just one day and I'll again be spending it alone. The last time I spend V day with a date I was in my 20s.. and I am now in my 40s. It no longer bothers me too much. I just think of the reality of relationships.. some good, some bad..not all rainbows, hearts and roses which is what we are suppose to believe about V day.... That it is a perfect day of love and romance. :p

Spend the day doing something good for YOU.. reminding yourself you are loveable. I am going to the gym and taking an indulgent nap that day.. and making myself a nice comforting healthy dinner. and spending the rest of the day with someone who loves me unconditionally. my cat! :D

I can totally relate! I won't even visit my fiance at work because I always think people will wonder why he's going to marry a fat girl. We also rarely get intimate since I've put on the weight. He has no problem with it but I do and I'm embarrassed. I keep promising it will change as soon as I lose the weight but it's a horrible feeling. You are not alone and we will get through this!

Yes I can relate. It took my [now] fiance 10 years to convince me I'm at least 'okay' (while he thinks I'm fabulous... it's hard for me to accept). For me, when I met him I still had the uneasy feelings of getting close, but there was something else there. It was like home, but a home I never knew before. And he was patient. He wouldn't give up, and he just worked through everything with me. I guess I'm just saying there is always hope until you give up or settle. Don't ever settle. Just trust your heart. It's better to be alone this Valentine's Day than with the wrong person. (or with someone who leaves you high and dry for every major holiday... sigh, like my poor friend...) Keep your head up. ;)

Um - I'll just chuck this out there: I am married, and have been with my husband for 5 years (married just over 1), and I don't care about sex. Seriously. It has nothing to do with my body, I don't think. I do feel self-conscious from time to time, but I am just rarely in the mood. He would enjoy sex like, 4 or 5 times a week. It's not him. I have never been "big on sex". Before anyone does ask - yes, I have always had "attentive" lovers. I "enjoy myself" nearly every time. <ahem> But, I am just not that into it. Once we're in mid-act, I can certainly acclimate and have a grand old time, but I am dragged, kicking and screaming. Most men do prefer to have to chase the lady around a little, but this is ridiculous. Anyone else experience this? Could it have to do somehow with body issues - maybe I am just not very connected to myself? Ideas? It can be a little funny - like the cartoon of the skunks, and the boy skunk REALLY likes the girl skunk and she's just not having it, but I am starting to feel bad for hubs, always having to put in hours of work to get me to agree to anything frisky.
For the record I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to snuggle, and we do snuggle constantly.

After years of pregnancy, breastfeeding, and weight gain (I literally spent almost 9 years pregnant, breastfeeding, or both.), I had zero sex drive. I finally started taking Welbutrin for depression, and OMG:carrot:. I can't believe the difference. I still have physical issues that make sex difficult sometimes (related to my size), but my desire is through the roof, for me anyway.

eclipse: Thank you! I don't "feel" depressed, but I have been thinking of getting myself into some short-term "talk therapy" before I embark on the next "life mission" - perhaps I will bring this up. It'd be nice to feel lusty, I think. Good for you - bet you enjoy it!! Bet your sweetie enjoys it!! :D

Honestly, I didn't really feel depressed either. This was more . . .lack of motivation, I guess. I'd been depressed before when I had some bad stuff go one in my life, and that time I felt like it - crying all the time, feeling like I was on the edge of hurting myself, etc. My doctor said that's the depression that gets treated, usually. But the lack of motivation, difficulty sleeping, being tired all the time, etc usually gets over looked because it's not dramatic. I felt so different as soon as I started taking it, though - within a week or two. I felt like my old self, which I hadn't realized I'd stopped feeling like. Aside from the sex drive, it's had a good affect on my weightloss efforts. The first 20 lbs or so, I was able to lose with very little attention from me, even over the holidays (when I usually gain 10+ lbs).

Now me -- I'm married and the sex is good, but still; there are plenty of times when I feel embarrassed for my husband when we're out because he's with "the fat chick." He doesn't seem to feel this way, but I get down on myself horribly for not being good enough for him.

@Rythm - Totally relate. I'll be 37 next week and have never been in a real significant relationship that's lasted more than a few months. I don't know if it's because I'm fat or because it's just hard to meet men or because I spent so much of my life isolating because of depression. I just know that I don't know how to connect with men. I don't even have a lot of male friends. I find it difficult to bridge the distance.

I feel so afraid that men will reject me. There's this part of me that believes men could never find me attractive though I know there are men who do. I feel certain that they'll take one look at me naked and run for the hills. But even before I get to the stage where anyone would even think of seeing anyone else naked, I'm already pulling away. I start pulling away at hello!

I don't know. I'm rambling. The point is, I relate.

Rythm! I can totally relate, especially to feeling like the person I’m with is embarrassed by me. I think, for me, it stems from the fact that I’m kind of embarrassed by me. My lack of self confidence translates into a lack of belief that another person could be attracted to me. As far as the intimacy, I have no problem with doing the physical stuff…the basics (of course keeping as many clothes as on as possible), but when it comes to actually being really intimate…it violates all my boundaries and defenses and makes me feel extremely anxious and vulnerable. I’ve noticed this a lot lately…

You’re not alone.

It's not that I'm happy there are others out there who are in the same position as me, but you are beautiful women and it reminds me of how illogical these thoughts are. Thank you for sharing.

eclipse, you have given me some amazing advice and some big stuff to knock around inside my own skull. I really appreciate it! Thank you! :hug::)

i don't really have any advice to offer you :( but i wanted to let you know you're definitely not the only one.

my case is slightly different though. i like it, i want it...however, i always end up feeling as if my boyfriend would rather be with some who's.. well not as big as i am.

one minute he tells me i'm fine and he loves me..but then as soon as some skinny size 5 with big breasts shows up on TV his eyes are glued and i'm completely blocked out!
my mother keeps telling me 'just ignore it.. that's how guys are. he still loves you.' yeah, that may or may not be true..but as many times as i've explained to him how it makes me feel even MORE insecure than i already do, all i get out of him is him rolling his eyes and walking away from the conversation. ugh! when that happens.. sex is the -last- thing on my mind, for at least a few days after it happens.

Ok, I have some things to share, and I want to first say that all my comments are meant gently.

I do so relate to your feelings. I was a reasonably skinny -- or at least, merely buxom -- chick for most of my life and was comfortable with my body. I piled on the tonnage during my last marriage, to the most wonderful man in the world who died much too soon. After a lengthy period of mourning (with attendant celibacy), I have found myself back in the dating world -- only this time, as a fat chick. Yikes!! I have had many insecure moments of about it all, but.....

A couple of weeks ago, my absolutely buffed, should-be-a-male-model handyman worked very hard to seduce me. (He did a jaw-dropping, slow striptease in front of a flickering fire, and I won't soon forget it!) He's been working around my place for about 3 months... I'd offered to cook him dinner as a special thanks for all he'd done around here before he left town. We'd spent a lot of time chatting over tea and getting to know each other, but honestly, I was floored when this man made his feelings and intentions known that night. Looking at him... looking at me... it all seemed pretty incongruous. But here are some things I do know and understand about men:

1) They like nice women. Not necessarily skinny women. Looks really are NOT everything!

2) Never underestimate their ability to compartmentalize. They may not lust after every inch of you -- but they WILL find things they lust after. He will focus on your beautiful breasts, your pretty eyes, your intoxicating scent... he will not see the bits you are so worried about!

3) Men adore lusty women. Throw out that "spectatoring" mind-set -- that is, "watching" yourself through his eyes -- and just give yourself up to the wonderful pleasures that are being offered to you! Focus on HIM, focus on your own enjoyment... he will cherish you for it, and you will have a memorable time! Give him some things he's never experienced before, and believe me, he will want you as no other.

My handyman is now out of town for a month.. when he left, he said, "I'll call you." And he has. Morning and night. Can't get me out of his mind. Can't wait to get back. Believe me -- it's not about the body! It's about the connection. If you can focus on this, you will avail yourself of one of life's greatest gifts -- a fullfilling intimate life! I always try to remember, it's called "intimacy" for a reason. It's about what you may uniquely share with someone. What the parts look like is just not that important.

I wish for you all the joys of the bedroom (or the bear skin rug, or the kitchen table, or... you get the idea)!!!

Rae

congrats, Rae! I hope your handy man fixes you up for quite some time LOL

eclipse... thank you... <face in hands...> I know, I know. It's so "bow-chicka-wow-wow"!!!!!!!

But whutthehell. ;)

You only live once, right? Go, you!

Good for you, Rae!!! "bow-chicka-wow-wow" is fabulous :)

Thing is, even though I get down on myself, I truly do know my husband finds me attractive. He tells me this often, and I've never brought up my whole "you-should-be-with-someone-better" stuff because that's something I deal with -- he shouldn't have to.

Sooo....it's a mental thing for me; most of the time, I am extremely comfortable in my own skin, but there are still those days when I wonder why in the world he'd want to be with someone my size.

I definitely have intimacy issues to the point where, even though I can be extremely turned on, I'll walk away or I'll instantly think of my size and lose all libido. And the "think you should be with someone thinner thing," yeah I do that too, especially since I put on the last 50lbs I gained. Now if I'm feeling lonely, I resort to internet dating and even then, it crosses my mind. When they want to see more than my face, I hit the road running.

The only person who was ever able to convince me that no matter what I thought I looked like, I was beautiful now thinks I'm too sad and says it makes it hard to be around me all the time...which of course is perpetuated partly due to my weight and causes more weight gain. It's a damned vicious cycle.

Can totally relate. I may be 31 years old, but in regards to anything intimate, I am in middle school. I've always had the way of thinking, If I am not happy with how my body looks, I can I expect anyone else to be? I am actually happier with it, ( my body ) and I get compliments often, even from strangers asking for dates, I just think of something to say to politely decline their advances.


It's actually extremely lonely, I just don't know how to fix it.

I am definitely in the same situation here. I started gaining weight in high school and through my 20s, and I basically turned myself into permanent friend mode. I can't even imagine myself in a romantic relationship anymore. If I'm approached, which is rare, I automatically discount it as a joke or some sort of pity attempt and decline politely.

And, yeah. I don't know how to fix it either.

I am having similar issues, but on a different side of the spectrum.

Im 26 and I have been with my boyfriend 2 years. For the past few months he has stopped wanting to have sex completely(and out of the blue). We have it maybe every 3 weeks, and thats only because I bug him to the point where I think he does it to shut me up. Lately though, he has been getting very mad at me when I bring it up and lashes out at me. It makes me so depressed, to the point where I cry in the bathroom. He makes up every excuse in the book. "hes tired, hes sick, hes full, hes busy" Its like WTF?

I just dont understand it and I am at a loss with how to handle it.

Its not like I dont try to spice things up or I am boring. I love sex and he knows it! I always want to buy sexy lingerie and he just has no interest in ANYTHING. He tells me not to waste my money on "something so stupid"

Im just so frustrated. :?:

I have no idea what to do in a situation like that, but I will say this; you don't deserve to be treated that way. I guess you could force him to sit down with you and talk about it. And then what? I don't know. But you should definitely put your foot down and demand some answers. After two years of being with him you deserve to know what's going on with him.

This is me definitely and I have this sick sinking feeling it won't change once I have lost the weight. When I was 115lbs I still hated most guys looking at or touching my body. I always felt I was too big (even when I was slightly UNDER weight).

I know it's more about my mind then anything else.

And JerseyGirl83 you need to try and talk to your boyfriend. You deserve to be treated better than that. Could he be depressed? Or (I hate to say this!) given you any other signs to indicate he might be cheating?

my 2 cents
 

hey, I feel I need to jump in-- I can definitely relate. Up until I met my current boyfriend I could only have sex when I was manic (I'm bipolar and become hyper-sexual in certain mood)... I'd jump from bed to bed and once we took our clothes off I would completely dissociate from myself, the other person, the act itself (well, I also have issues related to being grossly mistreated by men, which didn't help).
I know I'm not technically overweight, but I always *feel* huge. My perception of self has greatly improved with the love and attention of my bf, even on days when I'm so down on myself I stay in my pjs with my hair up and no makeup-- he makes a point to make me aware of how beautiful he thinks I am.
I agree with one of the previous posters, us women are so wrapped up with our weight issues we don't realize how much men enjoy our curvier jiggly bits. One of my bf's fave things to do is grabbing my ***, pointing out how 'juicy' it is and how much he loves that, and rubbing my stomach. Both things used to make me unbelievably self-conscious. But a few nights ago he said to me with a hand on my belly, 'you have a stomach like a belly dancers, I love it'... umm, wow. thanks! my shame flew away and I was left proud of the body I inhabit. it's a nice change from my usual self-loathing and dissociation.

Although I haven't been overweight really, I feel enormous and it can be pretty overwhelming, I'm trying to get over the mindset of feeling fat=feeling bad, because it's not even a feeling.

I've never had very good self esteem, was teased for being fat when I was a bit younger, and got some stretch marks during puberty. Now whilst I'm working on toning up and avoiding binges, I'm still left with stretch marks on my thighs, hips and boobs.

Obviously they're faded but I can still see them and I feel like I don't want to burden any guy by making him have to touch me. This pretty much results in me walling off any guys I might like, because eventually it might result in him having to see more of me, and I can't bear the thought of seeing so much disappointment when he sees how gross I am underneath my clothes.

I'm not even 20 yet, and I have a horrible feeling if I don't get over this, I'm going to regret wasting my youth beating myself up about things I can't change.
This is a really difficult subject for me to talk about, and I usually avoid for fear of sounding like a slim girl whining about how fat she is.
I also worry about sounding superficial and shallow talking like this... I take people as they come and I don't believe such a thing as ugly exists, sadly I seem to be the exception in my eyes.

Rae - you are a very smart girl :) I know with that you have helped a lot of women , thanks again!

------30and300, I feel the same way u do.




I think my intimacy issues helped ruin my marriage. I was very sexual at the beginning, but I was also 75lbs thinner. The more weight I gained, the more I disliked having sex and my husband didn't want to have sex either. He started saying that he's just not that interested in sex, that its overrated. Yet, he was looking at porn everyday. That was a major blow to my self esteem. We went without sex for a year and my self esteem continued to get worse. When we did finally have sex, I didn't enjoy it that much and was very self conscious. I know that I need to see a therapist about my issues. And I plan on doing that asap. If I don't love myself, how can I let someone else love me. Sometimes I feel unworthy of love because I am fat.

I can definitely relate. Although I currently have a boyfriend, and he has been around for my recent 40 lb gain (on and off medications without a diet change), I no longer want to be intimate with him due to my lowered self-esteem. I mean, there are of course the occasional times where I just need him then and there- but they've become extremely few and far-between. Also, maybe this is TMI, but we haven't been able to... well... "finish"... in months. (again, maybe once or twice, but it's whittled down to close-to nothing)

EXACTLY! oh my god EXACTLY! and i didn't always look this way...my boyfriend used to be with a cute chick...i used to walk around the house naked for him...not anymore. i can't STAND for him to look at me. bless his heart he's said nothing and still thinks i'm sexy, our sex life is awesome, but I'M the one who feels gross. he doesn't deserve this...and deep down i know i fear that if i don't take weight off he is going to leave me.

Thanks for the guys POV Mike!

I've been lurking on this thread rather than posting as my issues are similiar, but it's more about what the weightloss has done to my body. In general my confidence and self esteem is waaay better, but in relation to intimany not so good even though I am single.

I don't have any intimacy issues due to my size, My husband and I have a healthy sex life and we are very in sync with each other. I wanted to comment though, because the longer we've been together, the less of a role sex plays in our relationship, sometimes it really bothers me. In my mind we should be doing it all the time(even though neither of us are interested all the time) I'm overall not sure why it is happening, is it because we've been together for 12 years?

Anyway I don't think I have body issues with my husband, because we are so connected and I know he loves being with me. And I think of it this way: If he gained 100 lbs, or loses and eye, or ends up in a wheelchair, or gets weirdly scarred I will still want to have sex with him, because he's awesome. Why wouldn't he think the same way about me?

I used to be really afraid of intimacy at my weight, but when I met my boyfriend it just felt right. Sometimes I do get the feeling that he should be with someone thinner, but the majority of the time my weight doesn't bother my sex life. I think the problem is we do it too much. :lol: We both apparently have high libidos. He makes me feel comfortable, and I hope the intimacy gets even better as the weight keeps coming off.

I have always had body confidence -- from size 6 to size 16 and back down again. I think it has a lot to do with acknowledging that I'm using my body (all of it -- not just certain parts) to bring pleasure to another person. I don't know if I'm explaining it well, but I love what my body can do. And, you know what? It can do it at any size.

Intimacy is another issue. I find it hard to love.

Well, I am a confident sassy type of fat girl with a pretty face and a proportionate figure, who likes to flirt and wear nice clothes, makeup, etc. I take pride in my appearance even if I have insecurities. At my all-time low, I wore jeans and jackets with very little makeup, but I still wasn't trying to hide.

It's not so much that I think I look disgusting or that I think I can't get attention or appreciation from men, but I am cynical about people and society, and I always assume the worst. I would love to say that I don't give a crap about what people think, but I do. I am not attracted to thin men at all because I feel like an ogre when I am next to them. I also don't like most fat men either, because a lot of them deal with their own weight problems by being mean and nasty to their female counterparts. So I subconsciously go for bigger guys who might be a few lbs overweight, but they are also muscular, so it's hard to say. I feel the most feminine and pretty by them. When I stand next to these types of men, I know I don't look huge next to them, I am about the same size (I am just shorter and rounder while they are taller and more square), but I still feel like people are looking at me and thinking "What is that fat girl doing with him?" And forget meeting a boyfriend's parents or family.... I try to avoid it as much as possible because I always think that his mother/family would think that their son could do better than a fat girl. I really only have "intimacy problems" in non-intimate places. In privacy, I am very confident and sexy and I don't have any problems with sex or intimacy in that regard. :)

I developed a very hard skin because when I was younger I lived abroad in a country where few people are fat, especially young women. Anyone above a size 10 in this country is considered to be chunky. People there thought I was a whale and they would openly tell me to my face that I was fat. Not as an insult, but because they were concerned about my health and they wanted to help me help myself. I actually found their attitude preferable than what we have in the US... where people will treat you like you are no different, but behind your back they think they are better people than you because they view fatness with such ugliness and contempt.

Right now I'm with a really great guy, and we're thinking of getting married. Being with him has motivated me to lose weight. In the past, I would think "Well I'm fat and even if I lose weight, I'll still be fat unless I lose a ton of weight." Now I want to be healthy and I want to look better for him (he likes me the way I am but we both know that I carry excess weight and it is not good for me). I am a size 14/16 right now, and he doesn't know how much I weigh (I'd like to keep it that way, lol!) and I'd like to be a size 10/12 by the end of summer, and maybe an 8/10 by the end of 2010. I want to be fit when I get married, and I definitely don't want to be fat when I get pregnant and have kids. I want to have a healthy pregnancy, I don't want doctors being patronizing to me about my weight and pregnancy, I don't want to be tired and out of breath chasing around a small child. I also want to live a longer life with my man.