Weight of potential guy? advice please
 

I recently met a guy online and went out in person. He is SUPER sweet, thoughtful, the type of guy that would really do anything for me. A big change from what I am used to. He is very very big. In his chest and belly mostly. Now, I CANNOT judge someone based on weight. I was 272, and still working hard. All I wanted was for someone to see the person I was on the inside. There are things in him I find very attractive- eyes, dimple, smile, etc. I have seen older pics of him when he weighed much less and he was adorable. He is planning on a lap band surgery in a couple months. I am going to be totally shallow. I am 1) worried about his health- heart attacks, etc. 2) Worried that people would judge me for being with him. I know this is awful awful. I want to stop having these thoughts. Help?? Even if it's telling me I'm a terrible person.

ah boys... haha. if you like him and he is good to you, why not try working out together to help him lose the weight. since you're already on your way, be a positive influence. no ones perfect and some people need that push, you know?

it could be something you share together and maybe bring you closer?

Do you think he is worried that people will judge HIM for being with YOU ?

If he is trying to lose weight too, it might bring you closer together. If you like him i think you should give him a chance, however if it really bothers you and you don't think you will ever really be attracted to him, don't string him along, it would be a real blow to his self esteem.

While there are many critical differences between the threads so I'm not saying the responses should be the same, I'm curious to see how this one compares to KateRN explosive thread

Don't you imagine that he wants the same thing? If he's really the great guy you think he is and he is addressing your #1 concern of his health with lap band surgery, why not see where things go?

For me, I would love to have someone to workout with and think it would be great to work on being healthy together! I guess I would just want to see that he was committed to it. I know no amount of help from me would make him commit, which is what I have learned through my experience. He would have to really work for it himself. To answer someone's question above, no, I am not worried that he is concerned with my appearance. He thinks I am gorgeous...has told me so many times.

I still think there's nothing wrong with a preference for skinny/not fat. I personally don't find myself attracted to bigger guys (this was even the case when I was bigger!).

The difference between you and KateRN's loser BF is that you aren't being emotionally abusive to this guy. I do think, though, that if you don't see yourself being attracted to him, you might want to be careful with leading him on. ...because THEN people might judge you...

IMO...I would take it really slow and be his friend during this time before his surgery. If he is serious about getting his weight under control then this could be a positive and supportive relationship. However, if he isnt serious and doesnt go through with the surgery...RUN...don't walk away from this. No need to feel badly about it. It is what it is. Two addicts rarely are good for each other. And if you think it is or will be a problem, then it already is.

This is my past experience. I was doing WW and really having great success. The guy I started dating was heavy and I did the whole soul searching, dont judge...blah...blah...blah and went ahead and got involved with him. Bad idea....my success brought out all his insecurities and weight issues and instead of trying to come along for the ride with me and try to lose weight, he sabatoged me at every turn to make himself feel less inadequate. I gained weight, he gained weight and I resented him for my setback and the relationship imploded.

I feel for you girl. Best of luck.

Thank you for the good advice. I did tell him that I am interested in taking things slow and being friends and seeing if anything develops from that. I could see that he was developing feelings quickly and I didn't want to lead him on. It took some real thinking to realize that the weight was what was bothering me. I think if we spend more time together I will get a better understanding of his weight issues, commitment to losing etc. And I DO like bigger guys- I have always been attracted to chubby teddy bear types, I just think he's unhealthy at this point.

Wow, that's an interesting story, meandmyself. Man, I guess it's really true that you have to be selfish in this journey. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Why are you so concerned about His weight ? Don't you have weight issues, too ? I assume you do since you are posting on 3FC and appear to be on a diet .He sounds like he wants to do something about his weight. I would think you would be pleased that he wants to lose weight.

I like this point. But I would take your time like you said and feel out how serious he is about his weight goals and feelings on the subject

I say stay friends for now and see how attraction developes. If you REALLY like him, you'll like him regardless of his size. If his size remains a setback for you, then you should remain just friends to avoid hurting him.

No, you're not a terrible person, Bry. You're just being honest about your conflicting feelings. However, if you're greatly struggling to overcome your aversion and you're hoping that the surgery will eventually make him more socially acceptable to you and those you know, do the guy a favor and let him be free to meet someone who appreciates him fully right now -- without ambivalence or discomfort. He deserves that. Good luck on your decision.

I just posted again in the KateRN thread. *rolls my own eyes*

If you met this man and he was in good physical shape, and treated you like a queen, but was missing some fingers, or a hand or a foot, or had some other physical deformity, or was diabetic, or paralyzed, would you feel the same way?

Being overweight is an issue, I know all to well, along with it's issues, but it is not the only health issue many of us face.

It can be put in the same perspective as many other health, physical and emotional issues that many of us face.

Thank you all for the great advice. I think I am going to stay friendly with him and spend more time in person and see what develops.

Bargoo, I think there is a way to give your opinion without being rude and saracastic, but hey, that's me.

First and foremost, you are not a terrible person. It's natural to stress over what people will think of you. It takes practice, I think, to become more immune to other's opinions. There's not a single person on this planet who doesn't worry over what others think at least a little bit.

That being said, you don't have to let your fears make your decisions for you. When it comes down to it, you have to consider if you're genuinely attracted to him. Don't try to give yourself reasons why you should be with him; you won't be satisfied with your relationship and neither will he if you don't want to be with him whole-heartedly.

As a lot of people have said, I would take things slow and see if there's an attraction there. You shouldn't feel guilty for taking weight into consideration. You're entitled to want to be with who you want to be with and be attracted to what you are attracted to. It may be selfish, but selfishness isn't necessarily bad. To truly care for a person, you have to take care of your wants and needs as well.

And, again, don't feel bad. =3 You're not doing anything wrong.

I did not mean to be rude or sarcastic. Sorry if I came off that way. I truly don't understand why this man's weight is such a problem for you. You do say you are working hard on your own weight and believe me I understand that. You also say that you cannot judge someone based on weight. I guess I am puzzled why this is such a problem for you.According to your own description he sounds like a really nice guy who wants to do something about his weight. It just might be that he just isn't the right guy for you and it really has nothing to do with weight, yours or his.

1. Regarding health -- skinny people can be (or get) sick too. Heart attacks, strokes, diabetes, cancer...they're not "fat people only" illnesses. Yes, obesity is a contributing factor to these illnesses, and an obese person is at greater risk, but there's no saying (unless you know he is already ill) that he is sicker than your average guy. If you don't want to date someone because they might get seriously ill someday, that's a big chance you take with *anyone* whether you realize it or not. He's actively taking action to reduce his risk by undergoing a serious surgery to lose weight. Kudos to him for that.

2. Regarding other people judging you for being with him -- there very well might be some people that ask themselves how you could be with someone who is overweight. There might be people who would ask themselves how you could be with someone with a big nose, or a different ethnicity, or a less-than-perfect job, or a wheelchair, or children, or bad breath, or...the list goes on. Are you interested in dating someone because you want companionship, or because you don't want people to think you're the chick who can't get a date? I know that sounds harsh, but I really think people are happier when they can decide for themselves what a "desirable" person is to them, rather than allowing other people's opinions to determine whether or not they're even willing to give a guy a chance.

3. If you think he's a nice guy and are just NOT attracted to him, but feel guilty for feeling that way, don't date him out of guilt. It's not fair to you or to him. Really examine your reasons for hesitating, and your reasons for wanting to stay in contact with him. It may be that you are meant to be a friend rather than a love connection. It may be that you two are very compatible and would be great together. Time will tell if his flaws will fade as you get to know him, or if you will need to find someone that you feel more comfortable with on all levels. Good luck. :)

You should never pressure yourself to date someone you're not attracted to. Just because he's a nice guy and you WANT to be attracted to him doesn't warrant a relationship. You'll just be leading him on and someone will get hurt at the end.

What's very worrisome is that you are in a position where you are changing your life and it's difficult to be with someone who's changing their life as well. It creates too much codependency and leaves lots of room for influencing each other negatively. I've always known I've had an eating disorder and I set out to be with someone who did not suffer from one. It was always important to me. I didn't want to be with someone who was constantly struggling with food, do you?

I'm another person who says not to pressure yourself if you're not interested for whatever reason (you don't have to justify yourself to anyone).

I have been in the other end of that stick, where I had a great relationship with a guy before we met, and he ended up having a problem with my size. I think it's better not to drag that out if it really is an issue with you. You don't have to tell him that's the reason (of course), but the further along it goes, feelings usually tend to intensify. You both can find what you want (that's not to say I don't think every relationship has its compromises).

As long as he is working at changing his weight, I would still date him (if you like him and want to). If he were just going to be resigned to remain unhealthy, then I'd probably not continue the relationship. This will only serve to bring down your own motivation to lose weight and be healthy.

As for how you feel about his weight, you can't help that. The only thing you can help are your actions now that you realize how you feel and why you feel that way.

My take on it would be, if you don't like him the way he is now, then don't take it any further. He may or may not lose any more weight. He may even gain weight. You have to consider how that would impact your relationship if you have expectations about him being cute and thin like he was in the past.

Jay

I don't believe you should go into a relationship expecting someone to change. It is possible that he could lose weight but it is also possible that he may maintain or even gain weight.

If you aren't physically attracted to him then let him go so that he can find someone who likes him how he is rather than how he might be in the future.

Here's the thing... a lot of people saying they are trying to lose weight and change. Let's be realistic: I think the people on this site are *not* the majority, in the sense that they are quite dedicated to it, and even maintaining.

I would never, EVER go into something with a person saying they are going to change. Doesn't matter if it is weight loss or any other lifestyle change (smoking, drinking, etc).

Your opinion on not wanting to date an obese man while being obese yourself... well, I won't comment on that, but never go into a relationship hoping for the potential of someone based on promises of change. THAT is an issue in itself.

I too am not attracted to overweight men. I think that is directly linked to my low self esteem. Why would anyone want to date me when *I* wouldn't date me? lol You shouldn't try to force yourself to be attracted to him because it's the right thing to do - it doesn't work. We are animals and we like what we like. Most of us are attracted to healthy people. I have a wonderful (skinny) husband who I often compare to a stalker who got the girl, but as much as he adores me I know he would be even more attracted to me if I was healthy.

Sometimes one can fall in love with someone they would never consider BUT it doesn't happen often and like any potential mate you cannot change them or expect them to change. I would be very clear that you just want to be friends for now otherwise his feelings will be very hurt later when he realizes that he cannot change YOU and your feelings for him. Maybe he will get to a point where you become attracted to him. Maybe not - but in the mean time a friendship with someone else on a weight loss journey sounds like a great thing!

Having been obese yourself and knowing how it hurts to be judged on your weight, you are being very shallow and unkind. I'm not sure you deserve a nice man if you reject him because of his weight when he has already told you he is going to have WLS soon.

So, she should be with him just because he's heavy even though she's not attracted to him? How is that fair to him??

A gentle reminder, folks...name calling like "shallow" isn't going to get us anywhere. Regardless of your response to the OPs question, the only way to have a real discussion about her situation is to be respectful of everyone's opinion.

I think going into a relationship being uncomfortable with something about any aspect of the guy from the get go is just setting both you and him up for a fall.

Yeah have to agree with this. It's not just weight, it's with everything. If he's not what you want now, it's better to not get involved and just move on to someone who is what you want right now, not the potential of what he COULD be.

Also, I think people really don't give enough credit to how someone's lifestyle affects a relationship. If two people don't have a compatible lifestyle, there are going to be issues. If he isn't committed to a healthy lifestyle, in which case you are, then that is probably going to bother you in the long run.

hope that helps.

~Choirgirl~