Weight of potential guy? advice please
 

I recently met a guy online and went out in person. He is SUPER sweet, thoughtful, the type of guy that would really do anything for me. A big change from what I am used to. He is very very big. In his chest and belly mostly. Now, I CANNOT judge someone based on weight. I was 272, and still working hard. All I wanted was for someone to see the person I was on the inside. There are things in him I find very attractive- eyes, dimple, smile, etc. I have seen older pics of him when he weighed much less and he was adorable. He is planning on a lap band surgery in a couple months. I am going to be totally shallow. I am 1) worried about his health- heart attacks, etc. 2) Worried that people would judge me for being with him. I know this is awful awful. I want to stop having these thoughts. Help?? Even if it's telling me I'm a terrible person.

ah boys... haha. if you like him and he is good to you, why not try working out together to help him lose the weight. since you're already on your way, be a positive influence. no ones perfect and some people need that push, you know?

it could be something you share together and maybe bring you closer?

Do you think he is worried that people will judge HIM for being with YOU ?

If he is trying to lose weight too, it might bring you closer together. If you like him i think you should give him a chance, however if it really bothers you and you don't think you will ever really be attracted to him, don't string him along, it would be a real blow to his self esteem.

While there are many critical differences between the threads so I'm not saying the responses should be the same, I'm curious to see how this one compares to KateRN explosive thread

Don't you imagine that he wants the same thing? If he's really the great guy you think he is and he is addressing your #1 concern of his health with lap band surgery, why not see where things go?

For me, I would love to have someone to workout with and think it would be great to work on being healthy together! I guess I would just want to see that he was committed to it. I know no amount of help from me would make him commit, which is what I have learned through my experience. He would have to really work for it himself. To answer someone's question above, no, I am not worried that he is concerned with my appearance. He thinks I am gorgeous...has told me so many times.

I still think there's nothing wrong with a preference for skinny/not fat. I personally don't find myself attracted to bigger guys (this was even the case when I was bigger!).

The difference between you and KateRN's loser BF is that you aren't being emotionally abusive to this guy. I do think, though, that if you don't see yourself being attracted to him, you might want to be careful with leading him on. ...because THEN people might judge you...

IMO...I would take it really slow and be his friend during this time before his surgery. If he is serious about getting his weight under control then this could be a positive and supportive relationship. However, if he isnt serious and doesnt go through with the surgery...RUN...don't walk away from this. No need to feel badly about it. It is what it is. Two addicts rarely are good for each other. And if you think it is or will be a problem, then it already is.

This is my past experience. I was doing WW and really having great success. The guy I started dating was heavy and I did the whole soul searching, dont judge...blah...blah...blah and went ahead and got involved with him. Bad idea....my success brought out all his insecurities and weight issues and instead of trying to come along for the ride with me and try to lose weight, he sabatoged me at every turn to make himself feel less inadequate. I gained weight, he gained weight and I resented him for my setback and the relationship imploded.

I feel for you girl. Best of luck.

Thank you for the good advice. I did tell him that I am interested in taking things slow and being friends and seeing if anything develops from that. I could see that he was developing feelings quickly and I didn't want to lead him on. It took some real thinking to realize that the weight was what was bothering me. I think if we spend more time together I will get a better understanding of his weight issues, commitment to losing etc. And I DO like bigger guys- I have always been attracted to chubby teddy bear types, I just think he's unhealthy at this point.

Wow, that's an interesting story, meandmyself. Man, I guess it's really true that you have to be selfish in this journey. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Why are you so concerned about His weight ? Don't you have weight issues, too ? I assume you do since you are posting on 3FC and appear to be on a diet .He sounds like he wants to do something about his weight. I would think you would be pleased that he wants to lose weight.

I like this point. But I would take your time like you said and feel out how serious he is about his weight goals and feelings on the subject

I say stay friends for now and see how attraction developes. If you REALLY like him, you'll like him regardless of his size. If his size remains a setback for you, then you should remain just friends to avoid hurting him.

No, you're not a terrible person, Bry. You're just being honest about your conflicting feelings. However, if you're greatly struggling to overcome your aversion and you're hoping that the surgery will eventually make him more socially acceptable to you and those you know, do the guy a favor and let him be free to meet someone who appreciates him fully right now -- without ambivalence or discomfort. He deserves that. Good luck on your decision.