two weeks ago i weighed a very high amount and nearly passed out cold. But it was a great motivational tool to get me going in the right direction. i lost 6 pounds before christmas, gained it all back, didn't even bother weighing myself today because i could tell i had gained it all back (and really didn't want to see if there was any "then some")

So, I started eating right and drinking water, but by 10 a.m. I was scrounging for anything i could get my hands on with the attitude of who gives a sh*t.

I started an emotional eating blog and posted like 5 new posts today to try to deal with it. nothing worked. i logged on here to look for motivation, and the only thing i saw was a lady who's lost 160 pounds tell someone to set your mind to it and do it. make that decision and go. great advice. which I clearly ignored. almost immediately after reading her post, i shoved two bagels with more cream cheese than they could hold into my mouth, and washed them down with white chocolate hot cocoa.

what is wrong with me that i am intentionally ignoring all good advice. despite all that i feel and believe and desire, i am making ALL the wrong decisions. if it wasn't snowy right now i'd be buying out taco bell for god's sake.

clearly, i'm broken. or at least my brain is.

Well... You tell me. What is going on in your mind when you read that someone lost 160 pounds that makes you shovel in bagels and cream cheese? Does it make you afraid? Are you terrified that you'll have to stop eating and never have anything "good" again? What's going on in there?

Or are you just so triggered that you won't stop until it's all gone?

Also, what do you mean by "eating right and drinking water"? Some people go from eating too much to eating not nearly enough, and that can just lead to wide swings...

Details?

Jay

You're not broken. It really does sound like you've got an all or nothing view of weight loss. You're either all in, losing 6 pounds in two weeks, or you're stuffing yourself with a "who gives a sh*t" attitude and "intentionally ignoring good advice".

Can you try living more in the middle of that spectrum? It's so much more comfortable to live a more moderate lifestyle where you give yourself permission to make adjustments to your plan for what life throws at you (like holidays!) and you don't punish yourself for not being perfect. No one is perfect and it only brings heartache to try to live that way.

I read so much animosity in your post aimed squarely at you. It's not a war of you against your body or you against your appetite or you against your mind. You're all in it together. Try being kind to yourself, but never forget you are the one in control, regardless of what the urges to eat emotionally are telling you.

Personally, If I don't want to do something I'm not going to do it and no one can help me. You've already pretty much established that your mind is rejecting good advice. BUT we can try to give you OTHER good advice and something might click. Sometimes we need to see things from a different perspective before we get it.

Here's what I have to share:

I know that I have a lot of weight to lose so it's going to take a long time and a lot of hard work to get into shape. Each step in the right direction, each positive decision brings me closer to my goal. So I like to remember that if I eat unhealthfully or skip a workout it's a STEP in the WRONG direction. A bad day isn't going to undo everything, but it's not going to get me farther along either. I want this bad enough to stay on track most of the time. But when I do make bad decisions the guilt usually makes me sabotage myself. I tend to punish myself when I screw up. It never makes anything better but I do it because I feel like I DESERVE it. I'm working on changing that behavior but it takes time and vigilance.

Maybe you're seeing the Christmas weight gain as a huge deal? Maybe you're feeling so disappointed in yourself that you've convinced yourself that you're doomed. Are you telling yourself that it's not worth the effort or that you don't have the willpower to continue?

Tell yourself to shut up! It's TOTALLY worth the effort and you CAN do it! It's hard for most people to not gain weight during the holiday season. Give yourself a break. You don't have to punish yourself for not staying on track. Just get back on track ASAP!

thanks everyone! i appreciate the opinions very much. I am not really an all or nothing person, and what I meant by eat right and drink water was just a very brief way of saying, on my healthy eating diet. i eat 5 small meals, mostly whole grains, lean meats etc, and try to drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. if i slip up, most of the time i'm okay with that. in fact the last two weeks prior to christmas i was really okay with it and felt good to feel in control again. since i've spent the last two years feeling so out of control with food. (honestly i was an all or nothing person then. i try to do a candida free diet plan, and that screws me up because it is so limiting) but recently i've tried to loosen that up.

wow, i'm realizing there's a lot more back story than i can fit in here. but basically i feel like i keep gaining the weight back, so why bother losing it again. also, i feel like i have nothing to really fill the void that food does (i already posted on here about that, and have received a lot of great ideas), but until I feel like i've found my true calling, or when my marriage feels "fixed" or when my kids are both in school and not under foot, i will always be looking for something else to make me feel in control or happy or full or whatever. and don't take that the wrong way....it's hard to fit all our issues into one paragraph, and i don't want to spill everything if it's not necessary. i know i keep using the control word...but i'm not a control freak.

logic tells me that if i keep going towards my goal, i will get there. but then i think about my food choices. i'm a foodie..meaning i get really excited about spices and cooking and tasting....and the thought of salad, or raw veggies, or eggs again, make me sad. it's like the fun part of food is gone. now, don't mistake that statement either, because i am WELL aware that you can make healthy foods taste good, and on and on. it's just that today, all i could see were raw carrots and spaghetti squash and salad dressing that tastes like crap. my health took a back seat to taste today. just need to get past this curve.

i feel like i am spending more time explaining myself than will do any good. i don't know why i do this. that's why i'm here.

I understand where you're coming from. I have a lot of those same feelings.. and I know there's not a lot I can say that will change any of it for you. It really is a long process - both losing the weight physically and changing the way your mind works mentally. Just like a lot of people here, I'm still going through both parts. This may be just the beginning of that for you - realizing what your thought processes are, why you think the way you think, and so on. I had a counselor email me today (she had come across my blog somehow) and her blog has a lot of really good insights.. its here if you wanna take a look.

I'm sending you all the positive thoughts I can muster up! If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, list your daily foods to, ANYTHING, I'm here! Stay strong

lucky - I know EXACTLY what you mean. well maybe not exxactly... lol... you tell me. Ok, so I started this whole journey in october. I decided I was going to do the south beach diet, and started with phase 1, which is very strict, no bread or fruit etc, and lasts 2 weeks. I lost 8 pounds in 2 weeks, and felt deprived but great. I then switched to phase 2, where you are allowed to indulge on chocolate sparingly and eat whole grains and fruit again. Well... i didn't just have 3 pieces of dark chocolate... I at the whole fricken bag. I felt horrible, and I didn't understand WHY i was doing this to myself. I looked to 3FC for help, and found myself very inspired by the success stories and the before and after pictures... but i sat there eating junk food while reading them. Isn't that terrible??? I thought about it really hard, trying to figure out WHY I was consciously sabotaging myself when i knew inside that i did NOT want to do this.

After about 3 weeks of wallowing in my own guilt and hopelessness, something switched. I had gained back the 8 pounds i lost plus one more. I felt so angry with myself for letting this happen, for letting all of that hard work go to waste. I couldn't let the binging monster inside of me have control for another second. I literally said to myself: I'm in charge of me, and I told me that this has to stop. And so far it's worked. I wish I could tell you how the switch part works, but I really don't know. All I know is if I was just where you are a couple of months ago, and if I can do it, you can do it.

I was always afraid of "missing" good food if I tried to lose weight. Well, now I'm so focused on finding foods that I like that are good for me, I don't have time to think about what I used to eat. The first mistake I made was depriving myself. If i have a chocolate craving, I know that trying to not eat chocolate will only lead to me eating chocolate. So I allow it, usually every day, in moderation. And I love bread, i love toast in the morning. I just make sure it's whole grain. I am constantly trying new recipes and new types of food to expand my kitchen with. And guess what, I'm having more FUN with food than I ever had in my life. You can use tons of spices and flavors in healthy cooking!!! It doesn't need to be only salads and raw veggies. The outlook of eating just boring food seems horrible, so try not to think about it that way, because that's not how it needs to be.

Another key thing I've noticed is that if i screw up royally (and trust me, it's happened) i don't let it throw me off. In the past, I'd let a bad choice at one meal turn into a bad day, and I'd just give up and it would become a whole bad week of eating the wrong things. Now I start fresh the next day, no matter what. And it feels so good to do that, because I know I can do it, where before I felt as though I couldn't do it. It doesn't matter if you fall, as long as you get back up!

I'm sorry this is so long! I hope that my experience can help you overcome this speedbump. You can do it!!!

From one foodie to another foodie... I totally know what you mean.
I'm on a whole food diet... meaning no fake, processed food, including enriched flour, white sugar, cheese and milk (mostly because I'm a bit lactose intolerant.) An I really limit meat (all meat including fish)

BUT!! I love all that food. I love milk and I would kill for cheese and I love baking and mixing spices and flavors and all that and the idea that I'm going to be munching on veggies all week makes me want to quit... but I don't because I know I have a choice...if I don't want a salad today...I don't have to. and I accept that my weight loss will have a bit of a pause...and if I'm okay with that, then I will go ahead with what I want.

On my weekends I'll make whatever I want..even if it has sugar or meat or cheese or white rice/white potato. I just try to make it as healthy as I can...when I would fry... now I bake...or steam. When I would use salt...I know use salt-free spice mixes... (Mrs. Dash is awesome.)

Food tasted so-so when I started my diet...I was so use to salt and sugar and butter and being fried in oil. But after about a month of really cutting back on that, I really enjoy food now. Give yourself time.

Personally....I don't use salad dressing on my salads, I'd rather eat those calories than smear it on salads. I tried calorie free dressing once...I'd rather spray my salad with furniture polish and eat that than that dressing, it was so nasty!
Instead.. I use salsa...homemade salsa. with black beans and corn added. The beans add protein (which I need as i don't eat as much meat anymore) Sometimes I cube avocado in the salsa as well. It helps me reach my calorie goal.

As a foodie...I saw this as a fun challenge... make this food taste great without adding anything bad. I tried vegetables I never tired before, spices/herbs I never tried before. Suddenly boring food that I ate every day was fun again. I wanted to eat it because it was different all the time. New salsa, new vegetables, new spices.

I also gained weight over christmas...6 pounds...the same 6 pounds I spent all of december trying to lose after gaining 10 pounds after thanksgiving. I feel bad for it yes....but I lost it once, so why give up now? it was just a few days of holiday eating...2-3 weeks of good eating and it will be like it never happened. Holiday weight is nothing to be ashamed of. I know it's a time when we feel out of control...and for people like us.. being out of control of our food or diets is the last thing we want.. but we'll get right back in control.

For Christmas I didn't let my diet spoil anything. I made roast duck..with mash (white) potatoes made with heavy cream and 6oz of goat cheese. These two dishes alone were calorie bombs.(and there were many other bad dishes as well) .but I didn't care... it was Christmas dinner...I won't eat like that from now on.... I went back on my diet two days later and 6 pounds heavier.

But everyone is different. You don't have to explain the details to us.. but you can explain them to yourself... share with us if you feel comfortable with it. I don't have kids, i don't have to worry about caring for them or feeding them so I can't relate to the stress that you may have.

Do you remember why you started to lose weight in the first place? If the goal worth it to you? You said that because you gain it all over again that you feel like you shouldn't bother losing it all over again. Sometimes I feel this way too...
You said food filled a void.. and now the food is gone. What kind of void? Do you eat for emotional reasons? Boredom? a hobby? Because the food just tastes great?

Baking use to be my hobby. I loved it, I had fun. I don't stop baking just because I can't eat it. I make a healthy version, or give the sweets away. I also started new hobbies to take up the time baking use to. Heck, exercising took up a good chunk of that time.
You have the answers to why you do what you do, you just need to ask yourself the right questions to get the answers out. we're here to help you.

Do you have a plan in place? Have you set up a healthy household? Have you been trying to find new, healthy, yet delicious foods to eat? Have you committed to this 200%? Have you made peace with and accepted the fact that a change MUST occur? Have you tried to find the joy in adhering to a healthy lifestyle, instead of dreading it?

Are you willing to make this a top priority? Are you willing to give this the time that is needed to make it work? Are you willing to do whatever's necessary, whatever's required to get the job done? Are you willing to pass up on the high calorie/high quantity food in order to better your life? Are you willing to work past the initial discomfort of CHANGE, of getting used to new and healthy eating habits? Are you willing to give up A in order to get B? For me, it's not about will power - but about WILLINGNESS.

I'm without a doubt a much bigger foodie now than I was in the past. NO DOUBT ABOUT IT! I LOVE the foods that I'm eating. They're of a much higher quality, much better tasting and much more interesting. Use your love of food to your advantage. Be creative. DISCOVER healthy, low calorie, nutrient rich, satiating foods to eat - instead of settling for high/empty calories. The foods I eat now serve dual purposes. They taste fabulous and they're fabulous for me. I no longer settle for foods that JUST taste good - no they have to be good for me long after I'm done chewing. I now hold myself up to a higher standard. Challenge yourself. Step up to meet the challenge. Reach. Stretch. Strive. Push yourself. GROW. Master something new - and transform your life.

I wanted to call out this section of your post because it makes such good sense! I love viewing each decision as a "step" along a path. Is a step backwards a wonderful thing? Not really, but neither is it a tragedy...it's just a step in the wrong direction, away from the goal. If the next decision we make is a step in the RIGHT direction, then the bad step is at least partially undone and we are back to moving forward. Hopefully this will help those folks who see a step in the wrong direction as permission to go screaming and running headlong off into the woods. It's not the end of the world; it's just a step.

Great analogy, Metal Chick!

sakai...that was perfect! for some reason what you said really hit home with me. thanks so much! i feel inspired to go make crappy food taste awesome!

But, don't you get tired of salsa? what other things do you do on your salads?

One factor that I don't think I mentioned is that a few years ago I followed a candida diet. it's more for health than actual weight loss though. Anyway, you cut out dairy, wheat, sugar, caffeine, alchohol, mushrooms, vinegar, certain meats, certain grains, certain fruits....lots of things. But, I have never felt or looked so radiant. I think i've been wanting to get back to that, but as you can see, the list of "no" foods is pretty crazy and overwhelming. And it seems like I got in the habit of thinking that if I couldn't do the candida diet, then no diet would be good enough. Nothing would make me feel as good or look as healthy.

And let me say this too...i have a thyroid disease that challenges my metabolism from time to time, and have struggled with recent changes in my medication lately that is possibly a cause of some uncontrollable cravings and moods, but I think a new med is helping that now.

rockinrobin...i definitely have done all the planning and preparing. it helps usually. but then something triggers me to pack up the kids and drive to taco bell, or the local bagel station and load up anyway. i honestly don't know why i let food rule me like that. It never used to. I have only been dealing with this weight issue for the last year or so. Prior to that I was able to keep my weight at a very healthy spot, although I was still at least 10-15 pounds overweight technically. but i definitely never obsessed about food the way I have lately. the only thing that has changed is that stupid candida diet. since then it's been all or nothing. maybe the candida is teaching me a lesson for trying to evict them!?

so no matter how determined i wake up feeling, other factors seem to trickle in through the day and alter my plans. I need to find a way to ignore them, but with little kids, and a slightly stressful married life, and on and on...i do make excuses and cave in.

However, having said all that, today feels good. I am making better choices and feeling stronger, and you know what? it's mostly because a friend of mine told me last night that she cared about my weight. You see, until now, my husband has said he loves me no matter what. my mom loves me no matter what. my kids love me no matter what. so, then why lose the weight if no one cares but me? i could eat whatever i want and be "happy" right? well, obviously that's not true or I wouldn't keep torturing myself. So, when my friend said she did care...it made me realize that I cared too. Weird how simple it is, but I guess that's how it has to be sometimes.

i'm so happy you're feeling better today.. sometimes we do need to hear that other people are worried about our health before we actually kick our butts into gear. she must be a really good friend!

Thanks, Windchime. ^_^

I'm also glad you're feeling better luckydog.

About salad, I don't often use dressing on a salad. If I use fruit in the salad the moisture from it is often enough. I probably use strawberries, pears and oranges the most often. But my favorite is fresh pineapple. Dried fruits and nuts are great in salads too. If you're eating a bowl of iceberg lettuce I can understand why you would want dressing! But there are so many wonderful alternatives. Salad is a perfect place to start experimenting with your food.

You could try plain, non-fat yogurt as a dressing base. I've never tried it but it sounds like it would be good. I've used it for other things like that (like dips). Maybe add a splash of fruit juice and/or some herbs and spices that would taste good with the salad ingredients. That sounds good, I'm going to try that myself.

Also, you could try putting salads into a large container with a lid, add a small amount of dressing and shake until you have the amount you like. We often use too much dressing if we put it directly on our salads. If you shake it up the flavor is more evenly distributed. Sometimes when I have a craving for poppy seed dressing (my favorite) I'll put it on the salad this way. That way I don't use that much and the flavor ends up working with the other ingredients instead of overpowering them.

I hate to say this, but it does sound like you need to make an attitude adjustment. Which is the hardest thing about weight loss, bar none. If it was as easy as just saying "I'm going to do it," then actually doing it, nobody would be overweight. All of us have to find what will keep us going when it is no longer fun, which is oh, about the second day.

Because you can't use the fact that your husband likes you the way that you are, or that you are under stress from kids and hubby as a reason to not do what you need to do. You need to find some kind of inner reason for your goals, and that is what will carry the day when the stress of life gets in the way.

Easier said than done. I am always having problems with that myself. All that I know is that, if I am above a certain weight, I no longer like myself. I start obsessing, and my every thought is consumed with the size of my stomach. And I use that feeling as motivation, as negative as it is. Because I know how I feel when I get to be X weight, and I never want to go back there again. So, when I am making excuses in my head for why I don't wanna go to the gym (it's too cold, there is too much to do, there's a good show on TV tonight, etc.), I remember the picture I took of myself at my highest weight, and the fear of getting to that weight again gets my butt on the treadmill.

That's my personal motivation - what is yours? Once you find that, it will be a bit easier to force yourself to do the dirty business of dieting and exercising. The tools you need - the low-fat cookbooks, the exercise equipment, the diet journals, the meetings, etc. - will fall into place once you know exactly why you are doing what you are doing.

Good luck - and keep posting. Lurking around on this board and posting has been invaluable in keeping me on track when I want to quit, which is every day.

I love food too, and I love to cook.

I try to keep in mind that not every meal is my last meal. Most of the time I can talk myself into passing up whatever treat is tempting me at any given moment because I can always eat it another time.

This goes for choosing what I buy at the grocery store, choosing what I eat for lunch at the cafeteria at work, and choosing what I order when I go out to an excellent restaurant.

Trying to lose weight isn't the end of rich delicious food. It is the end of choosing the richest, fattiest treats for ever meal and snack, though. That's okay. If you don't eat that (whatever-it-is) today, chances are you'll get another shot at it tomorrow or next week or next month.