[petra65]

Wow, I never thought of this as shame based and I have a HUGE superego so this is surprising. I enjoy reading what other people eat. Sometimes I get good ideas for new things to try. I don't know that I would do it on twitter-doesn't seem like the right venue but on a weight loss site it seems perfectly appropriate. Also, if you wanted help tweaking your program, how else could you get someone to help you if you didn't tell them what you were eating?

[shcirerf]

Rant here, bear with me. And way off the spirit of the thread, but I can't help myself, and I need to get this off my chest.

I think that twitter is totally offensive. Of course I also feel shame and guilt are 2 of the most useless emotions in the world. They do no good for anyone. Really, what does anyone get out of those emotions?

My Mother is the master of manipulating people with the guilt and shame emotions, and the whole subject sets me off.

Thankfully my sisters and I got our Dad's attitude about life. Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, but she tries to guilt and shame us into what she wants us to do. She can't just call and ask.

I remember one time when in highshcool I did not make the honor roll,( I never did after this little episode, guess I had a point to prove or something) you would have thought the world was coming to an end. She gave me the big speech about "what am I going to tell my friends and family?" "I guess I've done a really bad job of raising you if you are so dumb you can't make the honor roll." "Do you know how that is going to make ME look and what my friends and our family are going to say about me?" "The honor rolls were published in this weeks paper and now I have to go to church on Sunday and face all those people who will wonder why YOU weren't on the honor roll, what am I supposed to say to them?" "I am so ashamed of you, I can't believe you would do this to me."

Not one time did she ever ask me, if I needed help, or what was the deal. I was just stupid and made her look bad.

This stuff haunts me to this day. I'm thankful for getting my Dad's attitude. Which confuses the heck out of my hubby. He has the "the whole world is against me, if all of you would just do what I want, my life would be great" attitude. When something goes wrong, I'm like, "well, let's figure out how to fix it, or ignore it or, deal with it, or what ever the case may be, and then get on with things.

I don't dwell on mistakes, or bad days, or what people think of me, I just don't care.

I figure tomorrow is another day, so I fell off the wagon and had a cheeseburger or a beer, or I didn't take out the trash of fold the laundry. Whoopee.

I can climb right back in the saddle tomorrow and give it my best shot.

No one is perfect.

Rant over.

Thanks for listening, it's what I love about everyone here!

[misskimothy]

Shciref: I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I really understand why you feel the way you do about Twitter.

[shcirerf]

Thanks.

Mom tried, but it seemed like she hinged her place on what her kids did.

She doesn't mean to be mean. She just doesn't know any other way.

Sis's and I now take it with a grain of salt and move on. Mostly. Once in a while it's still an issue. Then sis's and I call each other and figure it out, and move on.

[DCHound]

Here's my take on it. Associating dieting/lifestyle changes with negativity is, for me, setting up for failure.

I lost 150 lbs 1999-2000/2003 to try to save my marriage. Didn't work. (Surprise, my weight wasn't the problem, LOL.) I was scared/angry/frustrated pretty much the whole time, and every single pound I lost wasn't celebrated, it was a grim step towards goal, which I never reached. When everything went up in smoke, I immediately gained it all back plus more. For me, dieting from a negative-attitudinal starting point was just setting myself up for failure.

What's different this time is, I'm doing this because I love myself and I'm worth it. I'm not losing weight for anyone or anything else other than ME. At first, when I was 370 lbs, the whole "I love me and I'm doing this for me" was fake. I didn't really feel it deep down. But, I faked it. And eventually (maybe around 299 lbs) I sort of started feeling it. It wasn't just empty words. And the farther I go, the truer it becomes.

In retrospect, I really did love myself at 370 lbs, just not how I looked/felt. And one of the clearest memories I have of the first day of this journey is, I remember telling myself, the beautiful woman you will be at 199 (or fewer) lbs would give you a giant hug right now if she could, and tell you how much she loves you and how much you deserve this. (Wow, I'm getting all choked up typing right now.) And that's so true. I haven't quite made it to 199 yet, but I look fantastic, I'm healthy, energetic and happy. And if I could go back in the past and hug 370 lb DCHound and tell her she'd get here 14 1/2 months later, I would.

So, for me, no. Shame-based dieting doesn't work. Love-based dieting does.

[meandmyself]

Posting what I ate in order to shame me into eating better would not work for me. I can't be shamed. I have no shame. I would be the girl posting that I washed a Snickers down with a 6 pack...ha!

But hey...we are all different and what works for one doesn't have to work for others. But I would never be anyone who would respond to someone's post and offer that shame to them whether they asked for it or not. Seems detrimental to me.

[Windchime]

Originally Posted by DCHound

Here's my take on it. Associating dieting/lifestyle changes with negativity is, for me, setting up for failure.

....snip the good stuff.....

So, for me, no. Shame-based dieting doesn't work. Love-based dieting does.

What a great post, DC. Trying gain motivation from shame and negativity doesn't work for me, either. All it does is make me feel more ashamed and negative!

There is a big difference between saying, "Hey, post a sample of your diet so we can help you tweak it, identify the problem areas, etc...." and "Post your diet so we can criticize it and make you feel bad about yourself." There is a very sad thread going right now where posters are telling stories of horrible, cruel things that others have said to them about their weight or what they are eating. I'm sure that in at least some of those instances, family members have thought that their cruel comments would help to motivate the overweight chick into losing weight. It rarely works that way; instead, it usually drives a person to feel WORSE and to retreat further into unhappiness.

It might work for some people, but it sure wouldn't work for me and I would be reluctant to ever try to make someone who is already feeling bad, feel worse. Tough love is one thing; shaming people is entirely another.

[DCHound]

Windchime, thanks. I should clarify: shame-based dieting did work to the extent that, I lost plenty of weight that way. But, I wasn't able to sustain it because I had nothing to fall back on when my 'motivation' went away.

We talk a lot about motivation v. commitment here on 3FC. For me, shame was a great motivator. But motivation, and commitment, are two completely separate things. I know for certain that once the rest of this #$%! weight comes off, it ain't never coming back. Ever. And that's because I'm committed to losing weight, because I'm committed to ME. That's a very different outlook than being motivated by something--be it fear, shame or even love.