From Roget's Thesaurus - blame (verb)...to accuse, place responsibilityWhether we call it blame, "blame", or blame, you can pretty much sub any one of the synonyms above for it.

What we could be asking ourselves is "what is the root of my weight issues". A lot of times, unfortunately, that root IS our parents/caregivers, whether it was due to neglect, abuse, indifference, or even love.

I'm sure most of us have worked through (or are working through) their issues via therapy, faith, or on their own. Coming to grips with it, whatever it is, is paramount, and NAMING it is the first step.

Sorry to ramble on...this was just my train of thought as I continued to read the responses.

What a can of worms this is!

Sherry

What a genuine and heartfelt post, thank you for sharing your story with us.

I want to share what I've learned through therapy. We all have our own sad story of our past, not a single person who doesn't have some sort of sadness in their past. What I've learned is that when I was a kid I wasn't able to cope with the stress that was surrounding me, and I felt helpless to change my situation. In response I developed this eating disorder. I turned to food for comfort NOT because I hated myself, but because I LOVED myself so much and wanted to take care of myself. For years I thought that I was making myself fat because I hated myself and I had low self-esteem but the truth is I was trying to protect myself and comforting myself with food - it was my immature way of showing love to myself. It was the only thing I could control and now that I have accepted that I can do something to change it. I don't need food anymore to comfort me, I'm past that point. Time to change those habits and move on. I hope you are able to as well. But I give myself lots of credit for finding a way to cope back then, even if it wasn't the best way.

My mother and father are both very active and healthy. We had a healthy mix of "treats" and healthy foods. Being a product of the 80s, fast food was "in", but we didn't indulge often. It was a common occurence to have pasta for dinner. But, my family of four adults (mom, dad, and two adolescents) would share 1lb of pasta, with meatballs, salad, bread, milk, and have at least 1/3 lb leftover. We were not allowed to snack out of the bag/box... always with a bowl. My mom also taught me about compensating for snacking. For example, on the rare occassion (when I was in my teens), my mom & I would blow off dinner and have McDonald's caramel ice cream sundaes instead, we would eat salad and chicken for lunch the next day. All in all, a pretty balanced eating home.

And, yet, I stuggled with my weight from puberty on. I went from about 65# at the beginning of grade 6 to 129# in the summer preceding grade 9. That's *doubling* my weight in less than 3 years. I got huge boobs, hips, etc. I remain curvy with an hourglass shape to this day -- whether I'm 40#, 20#, or 5# overweight. It is just the way it is.

I think we also have to remember that our parents knew *much* less about nutrition and healthy eating than parents do now. It simply was not a focus in the 70s and 80s. Also, look at the "Food Pyramid." Yikes!

I don't blame my Mother (or my father) for my weight issues, I could have turned to any addictive substance to numb myself from their craziness, but food was easy to get and accessible for a young child. It was my drug of choice for a long time. As I got older I also used many other "drugs" to try and fill the void, but food, was cheap, accessible, available at every street corner, legal, and plentiful at friends houses (even though my parents didn't really allow junk food in our house except for holidays.)

With that being said, I do however think that the food industry holds alot of the clues to the obesity epidemic, and are at least party to blame. Greed...the almighty buck... plays a huge part in making us fat. NO, they don't shove the food down our throats....BUT massive amounts of scientific research goes on within these major corporations to make these foods more appealing to children, made cheaply at a low cost, and most of all as addictive as crack cocaine. High fructose corn syrup and most variations of Mono-sodium glutamate as well as the "hydrogenated" family of fats are powerful drugs. Greed, money and addiction makes many of us fat.

I don't really blame my mom or my dad, but at the same time, they make eating healthy at home really difficult.
I'm a broke college student who still lives at home, so I still eat here as much as possible.

But like, I got out of bed this morning and tried to find something healthy to eat, and there's no fruit, no vegetables, yogurt, no good cereal, or anything to eat. However there's tons of Kraft Dinner.

So I had half of a cup of prepackaged grapefruit. It was gross.
But it was that or leftover spaghetti from last night (which I skipped because Prego has more sodium than any living human needs.)

So I don't blame them, but they do stress me out.

Fill in the blanks...off the top of my head comes pharmaceuticals.

Advertising...gotta love it.:rolleyes:

my answer to this is two sided. My parents were divorced and my dad lived with my father and basically didn't do any parenting at all and I only visited on weekends. When i visted there they drank full fat milk ate three meals, no snacks ect. I wasn't allowed to serve myself dinner, I had to eat all of my dinner, even if i was full.

My mom and i lived with my grandparents as well and it was totally different. I could eat if i was hungry or whatever. I could serve myself dinner and if i wasn't hungry I didn't have to eat, or if i was full i didn't have to finish my dinner.

I don't blame either of them. I don't think total control is the answer but I don't think that letting kids do whatever they want is right either. My dad's eating still sucks, but my mom eats well, and i do as well. :-) sometimes eating well is a learning experience.

Hmm. This is an interesting thread.

I certainly used to blame my parents for my food issues. I came from an affluent family where slimness was considered unbelievably important.

I remember being self-conscious about my weight from the time I was seven or eight years old even though I can see from pictures that I was a healthy active child.

My family ate very healthy, but with my mom it was like food was the enemy and you had to be always vigilant! When the other kids got to stop and buy a candy bar on the way home from school, for me it was always a piece of fruit. When I did eat treats it was closely monitored, and I ended up sneaking around the kitchen trying to get at the forbidden fruits like ice cream and even slices of bread.

Basically, I became a binge eater, and in between I would diet, until I was such a bad binge eater that I could not diet at all for any reason. Seven or ten days of dieting would trigger a severe binge.

So, yeah. I used to blame my mom, and also my dad. Both of them cheered me on whenever I went on a starvation diet. Both of them made me think that I was perfect in every way if it weren't for those extra pounds.

But now that I'm a lot older and have kids of my own, I realize that it's complicated. In my affluent community, most of the moms were harassing the girls to be thin-- most did not turn into binge eaters. I must have had a susceptibility.

I've raised my kids with a huge vigilance about body image issues. In fact, I do most of the things that the OP listed as causes for her obesity issues.

Now, in my own family, I serve food family style, I reserve judgment about their food choices, and most of all, I NEVER NEVER NEVER comment on their body shapes or sizes and have forbidden my mom to do so either.

But one of my daughters is kind of like me-- big, strong, big frame and booby... and in spite of all of my best efforts, I know that she thinks she's a little fat-- and objectively speaking, she's normal weight, but creeping up a little at the top end of the normal BMI. She got a lecture from her pediatrician about it at the last visit, and I was thinking OH NO...!!!

But she seems to have taken it in stride...

So, it's interesting. I've always thought that the people who were raised with poor eating habits in the family had it easier than me. I figured that all they had to do was change their habits and they'd lose weight, whereas me it's take me more than forty years to finally conquer my demons...

But now, I realize that I really did benefit in a lot of ways. I love veggies, salads, and fruits. I've always exercised and eaten healthy foods, and I didn't become obese until after the age of thirty, so I'm still quite healthy for my weight.

So, now, with the perspective of adulthood, I think that my parents were doing the best they could and it just turned out that that particular parenting style around food wasn't good for my particular psyche/personality/whatever...

We all have problems of one kind of another, and so, no, I don't blame my parents anymore.

I think I learned to crash diet, binge and sneak food, because of my mother's own weight issues and her commitment to trying to get my weight under control. My mom knew how much it sucked to be an overweight adult, and so she and my dad, tried everything - including bribes, games, and even punishment and harsh comments/insults. Sometimes I did feel like it meant that I didn't measure up, and that I was an embarassment, if not a disappointment.

And yet, for the most part, I grew up with a healthy self-image (separate from my physical self-image). I was smart, funny, outgoing and I had a lot of friends (mostly because I could make a self-deprecating joke faster than any bully could, and mine were funnier). Even as a kid, if someone tried to pick on me, I'd turn the tables, with a quick comeback. It's funny how most of the kids prone to bullying would either leave me alone (because I could make fun of them better than they could make fun of me) or liked me because I could make them laugh.

I didn't really think of the plus-side of my early dieting experience until I read ubergirl's post. Because of all of the diets my mother and I tried together, I did have a very open mind when it came to trying new foods. There were always plenty of fruits and vegetables in the house. I was counting calories and reading diet books, when most kids were still learning to read and count.

I think my desire to learn about health and weight loss played a role in my advanced placement in reading and math classes in school. Unlike most kids my age, when it came to math especially, I "knew" that the skills were something I would (and did) use in everyday life.

It's human nature to want to simplify complicated things, so that we can understand them better - but oversimplification often has the opposite effect. There is no single person, event, or situation that made me fat. Just as there's no single person, event, or situation that made me the complicated (and slightly crazy) person that I am.

I can't even "wish" that my parents and I had not made all of the mistakes we did. On one hand, it would have made parts of my life easier, but on the other, I would be a very different person. I probably would have never met my husband (and I probably wouldn't have been attracted to him, if I had).

It's complicated, but I think it's life's complications that makes life and people interesting. Of all the possible obstacles in my life, I'm thankful that mine have been mostly food/health related, and not other obstacles like abject poverty, physical or sexual abuse, alcohol or drug addiction, criminal behavior, mental illness..... All-in-all, I consider myself blessed.

Kaplods - I think of my weight as a similar blessing/curse.

I don't think I would've ever looked into eating better if it hadn't been for my weight issue. I also don't think I would've been as active as I am now if I didn't have weight issues. There are other things that I think of partially blessings in how my life went as opposed to as how it probably would've went if I didn't grow up obese. Of course there is a lot of emotional baggage from growing up obese and never knowing what it is like to be a 'normal' weight.

Definitely, definitely! As much as I wouldn't wish away much of my life, I also wouldn't wish many of those experiences on anyone. Even today, I have to recognize my personal "filter," and remember that "my normal," isn't always healthy.

I do find it very difficult to have a normal relationship with food, and I know that is going to follow me forever, no matter how much weight I lose. I will probably always have to be conscious and vigilant when it comes to food and exercise, because my "default" or "autopilot" habits may never be conducive to weight loss/maintenance.

I blame my mom for half of it. She's just never givin me any type of support. Her way of helping me lose weight is putting me down and critizing me every single day. I really don't think I've ever heard her say she was proud of me. I'm really wondering what she's going to say to me on my high school graduation or even on my wedding day even though thats millions of years away.

But I know the other half of it is entirely on me. I just cannot stay motivated by myself long enough to see results. The only time I get motivated is when I'm on a team because I don't want to let them down. But when I'm on my own I really don't care about letting myself down. I shouldn't be like this but it's hard for me to disappoint others, but I'm fine with disappointing myself.

In a way I blame my mum for being so strict with me when it came to food - my packed lunches consisted of bread with ready made chicken.... and an apple. The thought of it made me ill and I used to throw the sandwiches behind any cupboard in school and have gone to buy my own packed lunch which was literally ALL chocolate and potato chips.
The only time I'd finish my food was when my grandma made it for me because she'd make me a nice sandwich with a good snack and a drink. I didn't have to binge.

So now when I think back I realise I have been binging since I was about 8 and that's a really sad thought. In another way I blame myself for carrying on those habits and my mum has actually pushed me more than anyone to lose weight. It wasn't the best way (being told how disgusting I look and how embarrassing I am and even her telling my friends that we need to lose weight and go gym) but its pushed me to lose weight now and I feel better than ever.

Thanks for sharing too. :D I think that is a wonderful way of looking at things. Perhaps I need to rethinking some of my thinking. I sometimes get really upset at how I put on the weight, angry at myself, but sometimes I think that anger is misdirected as the people I'm really angry at are the people who hurt me for so many years.

Still working on a lot of things, but I think now I'm in such a better place. I can really listen to myself and others. I think that is major progress, still not there yet!

I don't blame her at all. I used to blame my mom for lots of things but just realized I had to take responsibility for what I've done.
My weight has nothing to do with her. She was semi-anorexic when I was a child. She's always been thin and has always fed us healthy foods. I was the one that when we went to Taco Bell, I would get 2 bean burritos while she wondered why. She would always tell me that one day (if I didn't control my eating habits) I would gain weight.
Well that day came and now I'm dealing with it. I wish I would've listened to her.