I really have never blamed anyone for anything.Parents generally do the best they know how to.I have always thought this but it has made much more sence since I became a mom 18 years ago.My parents have made choices that I would never make....not good or bad...just different....may my children be as forgiving.
It seems like you may have some emotional issues, and I am sorry for that:
Quote:
Originally Posted by cfmama
You wanna BET I can't blame anyone? Try having parents that preferred drugs to food... that starved us just because they could. That would cook a platter of chicken FOR MY DAD who had the MUNCHIES and my sister and I would eat cold cereal without milk or noname ramen noodles.
You bet I can blame my parents for having a hand in my gaining weight.
However, My dad was an alcoholic and we were abused and that didn't cause my weight gain. I can't say I may not have eaten out of emotions, certainly most of us have, but to continue to "blame" doesn't help anything, if anything it could hinder you from achieving your goals, unless you are driven by a need to succeed out of anger or resentment.
I truly am sorry for your discomfort, however, I don't think that my post really has anything to do with your emotional issues.
It's very interesting reading about everyone's history of eating. Fascinating actually. I do realize that though we may all have had issues with food growing up it doesn't change the fact that our eating habits are our own and we are the only ones responsible for changing them. I didn't start the thread to blame my parents, I just wanted to get input from other people's perspective on this. I've spent time in therapy and have really come to understand how my bad habits developed and my family had a great deal to do with that. My folks did the best they could and I am grateful that they instilled more good habits than bad, but it doesn't change the fact that my upbringing contributed to my weight gain. I don't think I could conquer this on my own without understanding that.
Last edited by Palestrina; 09-04-2009 at 08:30 PM.
I don't blame my parents. I believe I was somewhat influenced until I educated myself. My parents didn't have a lot of money. Food was cheap and junky, a rotation of spaghetti, hamburgers and fried chicken. When we had vegetables they were canned (I loved them and I think this helped me like veggies as an adult). We also had dessert most nights. It was funny, the food situation at home was never consistent. Either there was so much food available and we weren't restricted, or food was scarce. I remember my mom counting the cookies in the package or measuring the level of the ice cream container. If I ate an extra cookie I felt ashamed. I also remembering sneaking food during these times. My mom hid sodas in her bedroom. Kinda weird looking back. I also remember my mom's weight loss efforts. I grew up watching my mom struggle with the dexatrim, acutrim, slim fast, smoking (yes she started up again to lose weight), metabolife....I always thought losing weight had to be torture and a quick fix. The knowledge I have gained here has saved my life. I frequently share the things I learn here with her, and she is finally taking a healthy approach. This is an interesting conversation! I love sharing stories.
I don't blame my parents, but there is a lot of baggage that caused me to make the coices I did . My younger brother has always been obese, and as I was growing up he got lots of preferential treatment by my mother because of it. I remember that his clothes were bought new and mine came from Goodwil because he needed nice things so the other kids wouldn't make fun of him, but it was ok if they made fun of me. I feel that some of my weight problems are an attempt to win my mother's love. Even now tho she stillprefers my brother and babies him terribly and he is 47 years old and still mama's baby.
However, My dad was an alcoholic and we were abused and that didn't cause my weight gain. I can't say I may not have eaten out of emotions, certainly most of us have, but to continue to "blame" doesn't help anything, if anything it could hinder you from achieving your goals, unless you are driven by a need to succeed out of anger or resentment.
I truly am sorry for your discomfort, however, I don't think that my post really has anything to do with your emotional issues.
The question "do you blame your mother for your weight problem"
I answered "yes I do"
and YOU said that we can't blame our parents
and I said that "yes I can"
So don't be condescending to me... I've gotten OVER my emotional issues with tons of therapy (clearly...) Please don't use the "huggie" smiley when you don't mean it in the slightest.
The question "do you blame your mother for your weight problem"
I answered "yes I do"
and YOU said that we can't blame our parents
and I said that "yes I can"
So don't be condescending to me... I've gotten OVER my emotional issues with tons of therapy (clearly...) Please don't use the "huggie" smiley when you don't mean it in the slightest.
I have to agree, it came off as very condescending. This isn't a peeing contest -- share whatever you'd like. This is supposed to be a supportive website. It is great to see everyone's personal opinions and how they have come to have those opinions. I know my mom has always had a hard time with talking about her childhood abuse, particularly with the use of food being withheld and her subsequent malnutrition throughout her youth. I am pretty sure she blames her stepmother -- and I think she has every right too. My mom hasn't seen her in over 40 years, but the effect that woman still has on her whenever her name is brought up is frightening.
To me there's a difference between assigning cause and blame. I do think that many of my present problems (not all) are ultimately due to actions and attitudes from both of my parents. However, I also know a little (too little, really) about their backgrounds and childhoods, and really, there were factors outside of their control. So I can't blame them, but I do attribute causality.
I know this is probably a different way of using the word "blame" than many people here have used, but it's how I see it.
I don't blame my mother for anything, but I understand that my issues are her issues are her mother's issues. I see the connection. I have regular freak outs because I'm trying very hard not to pass this on to my daughter but I have NO IDEA how "normal people" eat. No clue. Me trying to provide a normal food enviornment for my daughter is exactly as hard as if you were to put me in charge of building rockets with a crew of people who only speak Russian. No idea. Where do you even start to teach something you don't understand on any level?
Where do you even start to teach something you don't understand on any level?
Yea, good question - I struggle with this too (not just with food, but with other things that happened when I was young). I'm single and don't have children, but hope to marry and have a family. Others have told me that they're sure I won't make the same "mistakes" my parents have, not least because I'm actually aware of them, but also because I'm doing something about my issues like healthy eating. Beyond that I have hope that I won't make the same trip-ups (well, I hope I won't make any ).
I'm sure a lot of us came from abusive/alcoholic backgrounds [myself included], but I do know one thing: I can't change the past, only the future. We have a wealth of information and support [such as 3fc!], along with the ability to make choices for ourselves today [which we may not have had as children]. Use it and move forward. I find that looking to the past only hurts so I don't think about it anymore. I can't spend my energy on something that cannot change.
I think if I was aksed this question 6 months ago I would have been the first too post a massive YES on this, but then again 6 months ago I was the person who was stopping off in garages and buying junk, ordering a large pizza and eating it myself etc
No one has ever forced me to do this and as much as I would love to blame someone else, this is my issue and I caused it. I dearly loved playing the victim, then I accepted I was the person who was causing it and things have fitted into place for me
This is my personal story I am not passing comment on anyone else as no one is the same adn everyones story is different
I don't blame my parents for my weight issues entirely, but I DO have anger and a lot of negative feelings toward my step mother and father (my Mother killed herself years ago, but that is another story) and those feelings I had I couldn't deal/cope and I used food to create a giant wall of fat around myself so I could hide on the inside, if that makes sense. I guess I was trying to protect myself. If no one wanted me, then no one would touch me, and that means I couldn't get hurt or be in pain anymore.
My parents were abusive, my Mother (whom I did love very much) wasn't abusive toward me, she was neglectful and sick mentally. What I mean is my Mother didn't go out of her way to cause me pain, while my step mother and father did. So, traumatic past of abuse, emotional, sexual, and verbal caused a TON of problems for me and still do. However, with my eating, I know I did that to myself and I know that while I don't blame them for that, I do blame them for how they treated me.
My step mother always treated me like I was ugly, worthless, and not "thin" enough. In fact she was down right cruel to me, humiliating me in front of strangers, people we knew, etc. That DOES have a play in things, but I really feel that my weight issues are my own problems in my mind.
The thing is, once I stood up to my step mother and father and I used the A word (abuse) and went my own way, THINGS were much better for me. I could then really start to deal with my weight issues and myself and just grow as a person. I'm still learning a lot, but I really think I need to own my own issues and that is how I feel about my weight gain and loss! IT IS MINE! Does that sound selfish? lol
Last edited by Jacquie668; 09-06-2009 at 03:28 PM.
I'm really going t take on board what wannabeskinny said about wishing her parents had directed her choices a little more with my own child. It's a really relative point for his future wellbeing. (Ty)
As for myself, I think in general most of us live a more sedentary life - during my childhood I was not considered athletic or sporty but I did morris dancing, baseball, and horseriding as well as being in the netball and swim teams at school. MacDonalds etc wasn't as prevalent as it is now so the only 'fast food' was a friday night take out. Now I'm lucky if i do a few dance classes a year, couple this with other factors like convenience foods it's definitely about my own choices.
Having said that my parents were always dieting!!! And neither of them were particularly big - certainly not by today's standard (I remember them eating nothing but eggs for 2 weeks - Gross!)
Actually I'm gonna blame my friends - they were always skinny and ate more of everything than I ever did!!!!!!! It's all their fault! haha! ;-)
Being overweight for so long was my own fault, but coming from a big, Italian family telling you to "Mangia Mangia" (eat eat) all the time didn't help. Nor did all the delicious foods. My family was and still is pretty obsessed with food.
Now being a mom, I think you can't really win. You have mom guilt no matter what you do. I feel guilty for being overweight this long and having unhealthy eating habits that I may have passed to them. (They are 7 and 9). Now I kinda feel bad that I've cut out lots of their favorite treats and wonder if my new healthy obsession might cause them to "rebel" and want bad foods. Neither of my kids have any kind of weight problem at all....they are actually skinny as can be, but I wish I knew exactly what I should do to keep them that way. If I emphasize weight/dieting too much it's bad, if I let them eat too many snacks it's bad. So finding that balance is the challenge. I'm trying my best to encourage healthier eating, but doing things like baking brownies with applesauce to make them low fat so we don't feel totally deprived all the time. And I've upped the family exercise by being more outdoorsy and active.
So I don't blame my parents, and I hope my kids don't blame me! LOL.
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It seems like you may have some emotional issues, and I am sorry for that:
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