I hear time and time again that unless you're losing the weight for you it's not gonna stick and either you wont get there or you will and then put the weight back on or you won't be happy or whatever.
Well I can say that I do want to lose the weight for me, I know I feel so much better when I'm in shape and I love the self confidence too when I'm feeling better about my body and everything but I also really want to lose the weight because of my boyfriend. He's never made any comments about my weight but I know that he prefers a woman's shape that is fit and well muscled. He's a gym-rat himself and looks great. I've not really changed since we started dating 2 and a half years ago (only gone up and down about 10 pounds but more than once) so obviously my body and my weight aren't that big of an issue (I think). I just can't help thinking how much I want him to think that I'm hot and I want him to be proud of me and how much I want to feel comfortable when he sees me and I'm not wearing much clothes or we're in bed or whatever. It almost feels as if I want to lose the weight more because of him than because of myself and I'm worried that it means I'm going about this all wrong. I'm certainly not worried about him leaving because of the way I look, I know he loves me and as I've said he's never commented on my weight, he never really comments on other people's weight, he's never made made me feel badly about the way I look. It's all coming from me, my insecurities I guess.
Maybe I'm just too worried about failing but I've been through the same 10 pounds or so many times in the past 2 years. Before that I lost 60 lbs. and am still mostly maintaining at that weight but I just can't understand if I lost that weight before why can't I keep going and lose more? What's my problem? Why have I more or less maintained that initial loss only to be stuck going up and down 10 lbs. for 2 years?
I'm frustrated. It makes me want to cry. It's almost worse that I've succeeded before and now keep failing and can't duplicate that success.
I'm sorry I'm rambling, just feeling so emotional right now, I'm so stressed because of work which is something I can't control but I figure my eating and exercise and health is something I should be able to control and I can't manage that either. I'm just so tired of being this way.