xMary,

don't worry about excess skin and fat. You won't have it! I lost 72 lbs after having my 2nd child at 28 and didn't have any issues. This time around after 2 more babies and 16 more years, well its a different story! Do this now and you won't regret it :)

Mary,

you absolutely remind me of myself. i always get super hyped to start a diet, and then after a day or even a meal of failure, i get frustrated and give up. 3 years ago i lost 30 lbs, but after a few days off the wagon i lost my motivation and gained it all back. since january this year, i have lost 40 lbs. here are the things ive learned... keep a food journal. i keep mine online. only weigh once a week, otherwise the scale fluctuations will make you insane. focus on portion control, if you're like me, its much easier to eat less of what you like than more of what you dont like. and i CANNOT stress this enough, dont set time based goals. i have had entire months where i only dropped one pound, but the next month ill lose 8. if you say, im going to weigh 195 in a month, and then you weigh 197, you focus on the fact that you didnt meet your goal instead of focusing on the 3 lbs you lost. you have to be realistic, and STICK WITH IT! just go into it knowing it is going to be slooooow and frustrating. i only think in 10 lb increments. to think about the whole amount at once is so scary that i never do it. i just go from one mini goal to the next and dont think about the big picture. 10 lbs sounds a lot more do-able than 50, so do 10 lbs, then 10 more, etc. i tried and failed MANY times but this is the first time where i am confident i will reach my goal and i've made it more than 1/2 way. you can do it too!! dont think about your past failures, think about your future success!!

I have to say, I love this!

Oh, I wish we could all hug you right now.

I know exactly how you feel. I used the excuse that no matter how much weight I lost, I would be really ugly anyway, so none of it would matter. Your skin will be firm, you are so young.

So here I am, at 33 and always having felt like the ugliest ducking in the world, felt like I was so ugly I could make people throw up. I feel at times like a freak. Is this the case? No, logically I know not because once upon a time I used to be a model. Yet even then I felt like the ugliest one in the room. Part of the reason is because I allowed people to put me down, I allowed people to continually point out my flaws, so I blew them up in my mind.

My guess is you are a beautiful beautiful girl who has parents with self esteem issues of their own and frankly, need a good kick in the *** for being emotionally abusive to you.

Wowzers... to be honest I didn't expect so much encouragement. I really, really,really appreciate it. :)

I apologise for responding sooner - uni has completely worn me out, with trying to transfer to a different uni, the workload, etc. sigh. Ah well, tomorrow's a better day.

I read back my post and I must admit it seems really stupid for not wanting to lose weight. It's funny to admit this, but that's my main excuse for not wanting to lose weight. My other problem is that it's hard for me to commit and I'm constantly stressed... which means I either binge A LOT or don't eat or drink for days. At present it's a mixture of both right now - there are days where I pig out, and there are days where the sight/smell of food makes me vomit or feel nauseous. For the past couple of days I haven't been eating much and my meals have started at 1PM (I wake up at 8-10AM) because I feel like vomiting afterwards. And in some cases I do. Mind you, I don't eat to the point where I'm completely stuffed. ;) Probably by the end of the meal I'll be 6-7/10 (in terms of how full I am). I know it's unhealthy and I'm thinking of strategies to remedy it. I don't exactly want to see my doctor because we've had a bit of trouble over the past couple of years due to my previous anxiety disorder/depression episodes. And my other "doctor"... well, she's all about time and money, LOL. She's always rushing in the appointments and gets really impatient when the meeting's more than 10m.

Some of you suggested counseling... and I don't think I could bring myself to do that (kinda ironic since I'm aspiring to be a psychologist, haha :p). I was under the care of social workers and counselors for my depression and anxiety disorder, and although it helped me in opening up a bit, I couldn't handle the fact that they'd tell my parents everything. As a result it was hard to trust anyone. That and the fact that I couldn't handle having different social workers all the time. Within less than two years I was allocated with four social workers, and I just didn't like the idea of having to tell all my problems again with someone completely new and familiar. I'm the type of girl who doesn't really like to talk about her feelings. And it always gave me the impression that I must've done something wrong for them to constantly leave, lol. Sorry, it makes me teary thinking about it, haha.

By the end of the two years the time was up and they just let me go. There was no gradual transition or contacts/information on where else I could get help and I was pretty much still... the same stressed and depressed self. The medication didn't work. It was hard at first, but it took a couple of months and holiday-time to adjust to the sudden lack of support. I stopped the meds completely and honestly, I feel much better now than when I saw counselors/social workers. I don't think I can ever place myself in that position again if I may be frank... I'm terrified of exposing my vulnerability to someone. To open up and then have that backfire on you - I don't think I can do that again. So I've decided that I'd just bottle my feelings up or just post my feelings anonymously online. It's working well so far, so I can't complain.

Don't get me wrong, seeing people for help is not bad at all. I reckon it's great if it can help people. It's just that I don't think it works for me.

As for my parents... they're good people, but I guess they don't really get it, lol. I'm Asian and so they expect me to be like a traditional Asian girl - small, petite, dainty-looking... not obese, lol. I've tried to tell them constantly that it doesn't help to criticise me (which pretty much led to my constant need to over-achieve and hence anxiety/depression), but it falls on deaf ears, really. Once I tell them, they get it for a while, and then they do it again. Especially my dad... I recall once, while I was on meds (I was always resistant in taking my medication), that he'd joke saying "take your medication or we'll take you the hospital". He knew very well how much I HATED the hospital, and how much stress/grief it caused me when I was there. And I'd tell him to stop it, but he'd still always make that joke again and again... Honestly, there were times when I'd eat and intentionally make myself fat, or try to kill myself, just to spite them. I know it's messed up, I do, but during those times I don't think. I just do it. And then when I fail again... and well, the depression/anxiety kicks in.

Sorry, I'm going on a tangent again... forgive me, I tend to do that often. I apologise for making this depressing; I know I have issues to sort out. I just needed to vent - there are some stuff that I've never told anyone, and it's a good feeling to just somehow let some steam out.

In other news I went on my elliptical today. :D Only 30m because I had to go to uni afterwards. But it was fun - I forgot how nice it was to physically let out stress.

Anyway, thanks for reading and responding - I really appreciate it that you took your time. :^: I wish I could respond to the comments individually but I'm a bit short with time - gotta study! And I didn't realise how long this post was, lol.

If I'm talking crap it's most likely because I am. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind.

The best thing you can do is sit yourself down and write out your priorities, if weight loss is important to you, then writing it down will make the goal seem more realistic and it becomes more personalized rather than be a 'wish' sitting in the back of your mind. You need to find your motivation, the best thing to do is to just 'do' your workout routine and write down the foods you eat. You'll feel better when you can see what you've put in your body and its a good feeling hopping out of the shower after workout.

I am so sorry that you have had such negative experiences with counselors and social workers. But please understand that this is not typical of what happens in therapy. Once you are 18, a therapist or social worker cannot disclose what you tell them to your parents. It is between you and them.

It sounds to me as though you have developed an unhealthy relationship with food--eating disorder behavior. I am not a professional or doctor, however. It might help you to seek out a counselor or therapist--and try to find a clinical psychologist--who specializes in food issues. A registered dietitian who specializes in eating disorders might also be able to help you cope better with food. You may have resources through school that can help you find someone.

I'd encourage you to get help before you worry about losing weight. First things first--you have to stop the starving/bingeing cycle and get your eating more normalized.

I hope you do get some help with this! :hug:

Jay

I agree with Jay 100%.

I hope you can get the help you need :hug::hug: