Why do women think this?
 

I'm 30+ lbs overweight.
I've had 3 friends tell me I look great for having 4 kids. Then one started saying "Yeah, according to my doctor I need to lose 20 lbs but I can't imagine looking like that again. I will lose 10 more pounds and that's it because I want to enjoy life with my kids then to be pre-occupied with how I look because I think I look good." Then she started encouraging me to do the same. I sort of shrugged her off and just told her that I will never be happy with my current weight. And that I don't feel like I'm depriving my kids of any time. I work out for 30 minutes a day, which is when they're watching TV.
Then my mom. My whole life, my weight and looks has always been a big topic. When I gained all this weight all she said was "You had such a good body before, you're never going to get that back after having all these kids." Well this weekend, I was telling her how I was on a diet to lose weight (she lives 1,000 miles away) and she seemed to like the idea and was trying to give me ideas. Then out of no where came this, "You know you're never going to get the body you had before, its okay to have a few pounds....that's what happens when you have kids, its a part of life." And "If you do, you'll always have that pooch." I was so annoyed. I started telling her about you all that have lost a lot of weight and that you all lost that pooch. And that carrying extra weight is not part of being a mother. She responded "Oh I doubt these women look like that, no one can lose that much weight and look good without plastic surgery." What made her believe was when I told her that you all put up pictures and that you all looked great. Then she started saying "well that's great for them but you have a differant body shape, you'll never get your body back, you just have to prepare youself that you will have that pooch that you can't get rid of...I have it." At this point I just hung up....politely of course. I told my husband that it made me more determined to lose this weight to pretty much show her she was wrong.

I have a large group of friends, yesterday we all went out to eat. Somehow they all started talking about weight. Most everyone started saying how they knew they gained some weight, they were happy because they would rather be with they're kids then taking that time to focus on themselves. I sat there wondering "How did this subject come up and why is everyone acting defensive, did I offend people by just walking in?" One girl told me that her husband took my advise on going on the calorie counting diet and that he'd lost 16 lbs. So I don't know if others overheard and that's how it all got started. Don't know.

don't get me wrong. If people are happy with the weight they're at that's fine. I could never bring myself to like who I was or am. I dislike that I was ever at a size 16 in pants.
What I don't like is that some women think that being a little over weight defines what a mom supposed to look like. If you're happy and content about the weight you gained...fine. But some women aren't and that's fine too.
And the other thing is the suggestion or belief that if you try to better yourself then your neglecting your kids. That's dumb.
my Venting is done. :)

Um, when you tell someone you are wanting to transform your life via exercise and diet, what you are getting back is nothing more than RATIONALIZATIONS about why others aren't willing to change their lives, too.

Think of it this way:

You: I want to lose 20 lbs, and I'm doing A B and C.

Them: (hmmm, I know I'VE gained weight since having kids. Maybe I should do something. But it takes work and effort. And I don't feel like it. And I'm, well, COMFORTABLE in my eating habits. And I don't want my friend, who is cushiony like me to change. Cause it will mean that I CAN do something about it. And then she'll know that I've CHOSEN not to. So I'll just focus on the kids, cause she can't argue with THIS rationale) Well I prefer to focus on my kids. And I've had kids, so I'll never get that body back...

You: (Why is she judging me? Why does she think that I can't do this? I'm a GREAT mom! What does that have to do with ANYTHING???!!!) Oh, OK...grrrr...

Easy to write off someone else's choice as "inappropriate" rather than cheer you on and accept that she COULD change but doesn't want to. And that there isn't ANYTHING wrong with EITHER approach. She's just making excuses right now and putting that monkey on YOUR back by making the insinuation that you can't be FIT, HEALTHY, and a GOOD MOM, too. The sad thing is that by living an example, your kid's benefit MORE than you realize...

Stick to your path. But maybe don't share the details? Let the results speak for themselves. Soon enough they'll be asking what you did and for advice as to how to do it. OR they'll be judgemental, in which case you'll have to reevaluate the relationship...sad, but true...

Kira

I think Kira's on the right track. Women often want to cheer each other on in staying stuck in the same old rut. That way they don't have to feel alone, they don't have to change, and better yet, they can all go out to lunch and overeat together. After all, if you can't lose weight and can't take time away from your kids, then you might as well have a dessert! :lol:

I also think it's probably best not to talk about what you're doing with those folks. Keep the conversation topic elsewhere. And--I have no idea whether this will really happen, but I'm just sayin'--be prepared as you lose weight for the rumors to start about the surgery you've had or that you've become anorexic.

Jay

Honestly, I never told anyone that I was going to do anything. Not even my hubby. I didn't want the comments. Since you have already shared that you are doing something though you might counter their comments by just stating, "Im glad that's working for you." Most of the time when people bring up my weight at times I am not welcoming to it nowadays, I just change the subject. Your best line of defense is Just. not. discuss. it.

...the best thing you can do for your children is to take care of their mom!
A mom with more energy........a mom with more confidence.......a mom that is a good model of a healthy lifestyle......Isnt this a win-win, for both you and your children?

I agree with Kira....

They don't want to change but they don't want you to change either....the excuse about them wanting to spend more time with their children is just that, a big fat excuse but meant to have you question your actions so you give up and stay the way you are.

Don't even participate in weight loss related talk with them...doesn't sound like any good will come out of it!

I have run into a fair share of the mom should sacrifice everything to be with her kid mentality lol Let's just say I don't associate with those women anymore ;)

I started exercising to get away from my kids. :lol: I need a time out and exercise is a great way to release stress and make me feel better so I can be a better mom. Plus, I think it's healthy for kids to see their mom making good food choices and exercising. They learn a lot by watching their parents.

I so agree with all of you. I have no problems working out with my kids underfoot, up and around. I have no problems with leaving them to go workout either. Not having them attached to me 24/7 doesn't make me less of a mom--just a balanced one! My biological mom was one of those that never left her kids to take care of herself. She is one of the craziest people I know!

RD, I think you and I must live in the same area!

What's the most bizarre is how miserable and ridiculous some of these moms around me actually look and sound. All in an effort to keep up this poor man's game of keeping up with the Jones'. In addition, it is obvious most of their spouses wish their wives would do something besides just KIDS all the time.

I had an at-home mom when I grew up. I wish that part of her routine had included healthy exercise, so I would have learned those habits instead of having to address them as an adult. Even healthy exercise WITH the kids.

lol we must! Though they were just as bad in FL when I lived there too ;) I think they are everywhere and frequent playgroups :lol:

The moms you are describing sounds like the ones near me too! I have 3 kidlets and if I did not get time for myself I would positively run myself into the ground....an unhappy mom = an unhappy house! lol

I get all the time, well, you look great for having 5 kids. Ugh, what? I want to look great as me, not as what I assume they associate as the body of someone with 5 kids "should" look like. I'm not rockin' the mom jeans any time soon.

I think that's a good point. I always feel so bad about taking time from my kids... I've started including them in my exercise. But weight training is not appropriate for my five year old, so I do that last and shoo her off to do something else... but it took me a long time to learn to make time for myself.

In general, I think it's just as ridiculous for women to pigeon-hole themselves into being "mommy shaped" as it is striving to be a size 00/supermodel. There's no reason that a mother cannot be healthy, so why not just try? Because it's difficult.

But few things worth having are easy to obtain ;)

I found this interesting. Personally, I would be shocked if someone said that to me as I've known MANY MANY women who are mothers who took like 5 minutes to make themselves a salad or found a few moments for themselves! You HAVE to have time for yourself and anyone who says differently is a completely in denial. The last thing anyone wants is to stand around, when their kids are off in college and out of the house, 30+ pounds overweight going "what happened?" and "what do I do now?"

I think you should do what makes you happy and you know secretly they want to do something to. I mean I have a friend who is a great mother and she constantly battles the temptations of being around her kids. Yet she finds time to exercise and eat healthy. It is a struggle for her, no doubt, but she devotes most of her time to her kids and husband, but when I told her "Hey you need to find time for yourself" she agreed and now she is making sure she has time! She says having time for herself allows her to have more time and a better attitude for her family!

Focusing on other people is our excuse, I have done it too...but in the end I think it takes strength and love to work on ourselves for ourselves. I'm just beginning to understand this and I do not have children.

You know this reminds me of that SNL skit commercial about Mom Jeans. ;)

I guess I don't really understand the compulsion that many moms have to spend every moment with their kids. When did this become something that is expected or required of moms, especially stay-at-home moms? My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, but she sure didn't spend every minute with us. We were shooed outside to play much of the day when we were younger, and involved in helping to keep the place running as we got older (we had a small farm with horses, geese, etc).

My kids are grown now, but I remember feeling the NEED to get out of the house and just be by myself when my kids were little, sometimes quite frequently! I would take walks, go window-shopping with a friend, or just go on a drive. I guess I don't really see why it's considered such a shocking thing that women might like or want time away from their kids, and why so many of us feel guilty for taking a little time for ourselves. Men sure dont' feel that way!

I am a stay-at-home-mom and I hope I don't fall into the category of those women who are annoyingly wrapped up with their kids to the detriment of everything else! I try not to be that way. I figure, as much as I love my kids, I am raising them to be able to leave home someday and be confident, happy adults, AWAY from my husband and me! lol

I struggle, though, with fitting work-outs in our lives. I can usually get on the Wii for 30 minutes while the baby is sleeping and my almost-5-year-old is playing something else. It's just that I also want to walk a lot, and it's not always easy to get in a brisk, long walk with kids that age. My husband is out of town until the end of the year so I can't even get a break in the evenings. :( And, they are (will be) homeschooled so I don't get a break during the school year either! lol

Having said all that, my son understands the importance of exercise and healthy food choices, and I hope both kids will grow up thinking it's normal to work-out and/or walk every day, and that chocolate, ice cream, cookies, etc. are for special occasions, not everyday foods. As parents, we need to teach our kids the importance of balance in our lives, and that includes spending time together as well as spending time alone.

Pas de Chaton, I too homeschool my children and although it can be challenging, it isn't tough to work in your own time. For instance, your workout time can be their playtime/ phys-ed time... I found that homeschooling doesn't take as much time as public school - so, you'll be able to schedule your day with some Mom-time included. Granted, you will be with them 24/7 - but you will be amazed how fast that time goes (my eldest is heading to college this fall!!!). And with that age difference, when the kids get a bit older, the elder child can be a great help keeping an eye on the younger while you get laundry going, pay the bills, pop in on 3FC;), etc.

And what you said in the above quote, is something that all children need to learn - and so many adults, too!:hug:

exactly, I plan....hope to homeschool my kids. I'm home with them all day. Before I decided to lose weight I realized that when the kids are zoning on TV, that would be perfect to do exercise. At first I tried to make it look like a big deal but after looking at it 30 minutes is not a big deal.....a cartoon ends in 30 minutes.
I want my kids to remain active and not think that video games and watching TV is normal. What's funny is that my 4 y/o son wants to have his time on the treadmill too after I'm done. I'll let him go on for a couple minutes and he'll say "Wow mom, I feel stronger." LOL
In my circle of friends we sort of paired up a couple months ago as weight loss buddies. My friend and I would touch bases every week to see how we were doing. I was serious about it but she started slacking off which gave me an excuse to do the same. So the weekly call went from "How much weight did you lose?" to "Oh I really messed up this week, next week I'll do better." A month went by and we both gained 3 lbs each. When I started seeing those pounds being topped onto my highest weight I really felt depressed and decided I would do something about it and do it on my own. Good thing my husband joined me too. :)
Since they all can see I lost the weight, I have a few that have joined in to lose weight. Yes we still talk about food but its more of a compitition. We will tell each other what we ate and how many callories it all was to see who got the better deal. LOL

Everyone deserves "ME TIME". Unfortunately, I didn't realize that til my kids were 17 & 19. They are 21 & 23 now. You do what you have to do to lose the weight you want to lose. You are definitely on the right track. Good for you.

People are so weird! I am also trying to lose baby weight. I have tried many times before but this time is the last. Well, I haven't told anyone (apart from the people here) that I'm on a diet. They always say the same things to me and its discouraging! They can just stare at me in amazement week after week as the pounds drop and wonder how I'm losing the weight and if they ask if I'm on a diet I'll just say no! Don't pay any attention to the things your mom said. YOU KNOW its possible to be without a pouch after having kids and thats all that counts! As far as you friend goes commenting on exercise taking away from time with your kids.....well, think of exercise as adding time with them instead! The more fit you are the more you can do with them!