Why do women think this?
 

I'm 30+ lbs overweight.
I've had 3 friends tell me I look great for having 4 kids. Then one started saying "Yeah, according to my doctor I need to lose 20 lbs but I can't imagine looking like that again. I will lose 10 more pounds and that's it because I want to enjoy life with my kids then to be pre-occupied with how I look because I think I look good." Then she started encouraging me to do the same. I sort of shrugged her off and just told her that I will never be happy with my current weight. And that I don't feel like I'm depriving my kids of any time. I work out for 30 minutes a day, which is when they're watching TV.
Then my mom. My whole life, my weight and looks has always been a big topic. When I gained all this weight all she said was "You had such a good body before, you're never going to get that back after having all these kids." Well this weekend, I was telling her how I was on a diet to lose weight (she lives 1,000 miles away) and she seemed to like the idea and was trying to give me ideas. Then out of no where came this, "You know you're never going to get the body you had before, its okay to have a few pounds....that's what happens when you have kids, its a part of life." And "If you do, you'll always have that pooch." I was so annoyed. I started telling her about you all that have lost a lot of weight and that you all lost that pooch. And that carrying extra weight is not part of being a mother. She responded "Oh I doubt these women look like that, no one can lose that much weight and look good without plastic surgery." What made her believe was when I told her that you all put up pictures and that you all looked great. Then she started saying "well that's great for them but you have a differant body shape, you'll never get your body back, you just have to prepare youself that you will have that pooch that you can't get rid of...I have it." At this point I just hung up....politely of course. I told my husband that it made me more determined to lose this weight to pretty much show her she was wrong.

I have a large group of friends, yesterday we all went out to eat. Somehow they all started talking about weight. Most everyone started saying how they knew they gained some weight, they were happy because they would rather be with they're kids then taking that time to focus on themselves. I sat there wondering "How did this subject come up and why is everyone acting defensive, did I offend people by just walking in?" One girl told me that her husband took my advise on going on the calorie counting diet and that he'd lost 16 lbs. So I don't know if others overheard and that's how it all got started. Don't know.

don't get me wrong. If people are happy with the weight they're at that's fine. I could never bring myself to like who I was or am. I dislike that I was ever at a size 16 in pants.
What I don't like is that some women think that being a little over weight defines what a mom supposed to look like. If you're happy and content about the weight you gained...fine. But some women aren't and that's fine too.
And the other thing is the suggestion or belief that if you try to better yourself then your neglecting your kids. That's dumb.
my Venting is done. :)

Um, when you tell someone you are wanting to transform your life via exercise and diet, what you are getting back is nothing more than RATIONALIZATIONS about why others aren't willing to change their lives, too.

Think of it this way:

You: I want to lose 20 lbs, and I'm doing A B and C.

Them: (hmmm, I know I'VE gained weight since having kids. Maybe I should do something. But it takes work and effort. And I don't feel like it. And I'm, well, COMFORTABLE in my eating habits. And I don't want my friend, who is cushiony like me to change. Cause it will mean that I CAN do something about it. And then she'll know that I've CHOSEN not to. So I'll just focus on the kids, cause she can't argue with THIS rationale) Well I prefer to focus on my kids. And I've had kids, so I'll never get that body back...

You: (Why is she judging me? Why does she think that I can't do this? I'm a GREAT mom! What does that have to do with ANYTHING???!!!) Oh, OK...grrrr...

Easy to write off someone else's choice as "inappropriate" rather than cheer you on and accept that she COULD change but doesn't want to. And that there isn't ANYTHING wrong with EITHER approach. She's just making excuses right now and putting that monkey on YOUR back by making the insinuation that you can't be FIT, HEALTHY, and a GOOD MOM, too. The sad thing is that by living an example, your kid's benefit MORE than you realize...

Stick to your path. But maybe don't share the details? Let the results speak for themselves. Soon enough they'll be asking what you did and for advice as to how to do it. OR they'll be judgemental, in which case you'll have to reevaluate the relationship...sad, but true...

Kira

I think Kira's on the right track. Women often want to cheer each other on in staying stuck in the same old rut. That way they don't have to feel alone, they don't have to change, and better yet, they can all go out to lunch and overeat together. After all, if you can't lose weight and can't take time away from your kids, then you might as well have a dessert! :lol:

I also think it's probably best not to talk about what you're doing with those folks. Keep the conversation topic elsewhere. And--I have no idea whether this will really happen, but I'm just sayin'--be prepared as you lose weight for the rumors to start about the surgery you've had or that you've become anorexic.

Jay

Honestly, I never told anyone that I was going to do anything. Not even my hubby. I didn't want the comments. Since you have already shared that you are doing something though you might counter their comments by just stating, "Im glad that's working for you." Most of the time when people bring up my weight at times I am not welcoming to it nowadays, I just change the subject. Your best line of defense is Just. not. discuss. it.

...the best thing you can do for your children is to take care of their mom!
A mom with more energy........a mom with more confidence.......a mom that is a good model of a healthy lifestyle......Isnt this a win-win, for both you and your children?

I agree with Kira....

They don't want to change but they don't want you to change either....the excuse about them wanting to spend more time with their children is just that, a big fat excuse but meant to have you question your actions so you give up and stay the way you are.

Don't even participate in weight loss related talk with them...doesn't sound like any good will come out of it!

I have run into a fair share of the mom should sacrifice everything to be with her kid mentality lol Let's just say I don't associate with those women anymore ;)

I started exercising to get away from my kids. :lol: I need a time out and exercise is a great way to release stress and make me feel better so I can be a better mom. Plus, I think it's healthy for kids to see their mom making good food choices and exercising. They learn a lot by watching their parents.

I so agree with all of you. I have no problems working out with my kids underfoot, up and around. I have no problems with leaving them to go workout either. Not having them attached to me 24/7 doesn't make me less of a mom--just a balanced one! My biological mom was one of those that never left her kids to take care of herself. She is one of the craziest people I know!

RD, I think you and I must live in the same area!

What's the most bizarre is how miserable and ridiculous some of these moms around me actually look and sound. All in an effort to keep up this poor man's game of keeping up with the Jones'. In addition, it is obvious most of their spouses wish their wives would do something besides just KIDS all the time.

I had an at-home mom when I grew up. I wish that part of her routine had included healthy exercise, so I would have learned those habits instead of having to address them as an adult. Even healthy exercise WITH the kids.

lol we must! Though they were just as bad in FL when I lived there too ;) I think they are everywhere and frequent playgroups :lol:

The moms you are describing sounds like the ones near me too! I have 3 kidlets and if I did not get time for myself I would positively run myself into the ground....an unhappy mom = an unhappy house! lol

I get all the time, well, you look great for having 5 kids. Ugh, what? I want to look great as me, not as what I assume they associate as the body of someone with 5 kids "should" look like. I'm not rockin' the mom jeans any time soon.

I think that's a good point. I always feel so bad about taking time from my kids... I've started including them in my exercise. But weight training is not appropriate for my five year old, so I do that last and shoo her off to do something else... but it took me a long time to learn to make time for myself.