Hi everyone. I haven't been here in a while. A lot's happened.
I dropped out of college last year (completed the year, then dropped out) to take care of my dad. He had cancer and required a lot of help. I thought I'd take a year off while he got better, then go back. But he died suddenly in February. He was sick but far from terminal, and his death was a complete shock.
That was bad enough. But now I have so much more responsibility. I live completely alone now. I have no income, so I got to get a job. Been living off insurance money so far, but that's going to go away soon. I promised my father I would go back to school no matter what, so come fall I'll be a full time college student once more. Hopefully I'll have a job that can pay the utilities, car insurance, all that stuff. I feel 40, not 20.
With all the sadness and anxiety, my eating has been out of control. When my father died, I was around 265lbs. That's my "maintain" weight which I try to stay around when I'm not actively dieting. When I get above that, I start to worry.
This morning I weighed in at 280lbs. That's 15lbs. in less than 5 months. My pants are tight, my face looks so puffy. I have everything in the world to be sad about. It's hard to deal with it all and feel ugly too.
I eat huge amounts of food everyday without thinking. A whole casserole dish of au gratin potatoes, a whole half gallon of ice cream, a whole large pizza, a bag of candy. That's an actual list of what I had last week. I don't even think when I do it...I shove it in until it's uncomfortable. I'm not satisfied with normal portions. Crap, I'm not satisfied with large portions!
My weight has also held me back on getting a job. The only things available where I'm at are things like fast food, and retail stores. I go in these places with the intent of getting an application. Then I'll see these kids my age there, and a lot of the times I hear them make comments about my weight. If not, they just give me dirty looks. When I ask for an application, the manager looks at me like I wouldn't be a good employee. The male employees role their eyes because I wouldn't be a "hot" co-worker. I promise this is not all in my head, it actually happens.
So I guess I have a couple of questions.
How do I get back to normal portions after stretching my stomach so far with what I've been eating the past few months? I don't feel satisfied unless I'm so full I'm almost sick. How do I break that habit?
Also, did anyone else deal with this stuff when looking for a job? It makes me so self-conscious. I have to work, and the sooner the better. But I don't want to be in an environment like the one described.
Thank you guys so much for reading. I'm sorry I wrote so much.