I guess in a sense you are all right. Just depends on the person(s) involved and their type of personality. i'm just not real sure what will work with my husband. i want us to have an open and honest relationship. But i also don't want to nag or discourage him or hurt his feelings. He brought it up one time and i told him he was very handsome he just needed to cut his gut in half. He's not lazy but he's not real active. I mean, he hunts turkey and deer so he walks in the woods....sometimes up and down hills. He's a supervisor but i dont' know how much he actually goes out and helps his people in the plant. So his hunting i'm sure helps. He's got good strong muscular type legs and arms too for the most part. It's just his stomach.

I didn't think about the nurtirent part of adding water to his milk. I was just wanting to prove that it tastes just as good as whole milk. He knows (because he's mentioned it) that he weighs more than he did when we met (a little over a year ago). I guess he's just not ready to do anything about it yet. Maybe i'm somewhat vain in my thinking, but i do worry about my attraction for him if he gains too much weight. It doesn't really bother me now....but it might if he gains much more. I don't know. I believe that people should keep up their appearance for their spouse (male and female) and themselves of course. We all get older and things change but we should look the best we can. You know? Maybe it's just my insecurity.....but i want my husband to always look at me and find me attractive. Not because he HAS to.....but because he actually thinks so. And i want to be able to do the same for him. And i certainly don't want him wishing he was with somebody else cause she looks better or wishing i looked like somebody else. My dad gives my mom a hard time. I've heard him say more than a few times that her being overweight disgusts him. I hope i'm never like daddy but i also hope i don't ever end up feeling like he does about my spouse. I guess that would be MY issue to work out though.

But it also goes beyond appearance. My husbands granddad has to take insulin for diabetes. And his dad has to keep a check on his. My hubby has had a couple of issues with his sugar dropping or something but for the most part it hasn't been anything major. And it happened before we got together. The doctor told his dad it would help if he'd lose weight so i mentioned that to my husband as well. His risks are higher being overweight AND having diabetes in the family.

Oh and another thing, i do the grocery shopping...sometimes he's with me and sometimes he's not. the last time he was he put the cookies and some little debbie's in the cart. I'm the chocoholic so try NOT eating something you crave when it's in the house. LOL! i think he knows i get the lean meat and he hasn't complained. And i got him to try turkey burgers one night. He said he liked those. Made chicken fajitas one night. The bad thing is that he's NOT a veggie person at all. He's all about the meat. Fajitas gave me a chance to throw in some veggies.

His way of losing weight is to eat very little during the day...he might eat 3 chicken fingers at lunch and maybe a bologna sandwich for a snack. A mountain dew to drink. Then he comes home and wants to gorge out before bedtime. I've been preparing our meals and cutting everything in 1/4th so that we both have some for lunch the next day and he can only have so much since he's taking some for lunch (portion control and lesser fat and calories).

The question you have to really answer for yourself is:

Is this really about him or you?

It sounded at first, to me at least, that the concern was about his health. Now, your words are putting him off to the side and you center stage. There is a difference between, in my opinion, being concerned over the health of another and being concerned over how they will look to you if they gain more weight.

Maybe you could benefit from a bit of reflection.

I will say that eating healthy, generally, and doing general activity benefits you both and your life. Small changes...you seem to be doing that and are thinking of those things. So, I say that you're on a positive path. It sounds like you talk about things. On the other hand, question asked I think is important, is this about him or you?

I kind of understand the watering down the milk thing. I mean it frustrates me to no end when someone says they don't like healthy food because it tastes bad. Well ya, if you've been eating high fat/salt for so long of course it's going to be hard to change, but you get used to it. Many people have the notion that food's primary job is to make you happy, not to feed your body.

I would just shop for healthy things, maybe find some alternatives to the cookies at night, like frozen yogurt, homemade low fat blueberry muffins, etc. If he wants junk HE has to go buy it because you can't do that anymore.

I would agree with everyone that it's important not to nag an S.O. about weight loss. But it is also important to make sure that he/she has the tools available when desire to eat healthier eventually arises.

Toward the end of last year, my BF announced that he was putting himself on a diet (Weight Watchers @home). His clothes weren't fitting well and (more importantly) he has to lose weight to pass a Sept. '09 physical at work which will allow him to continue doing some very fun testing activities. I was supportive because I'd done WW in the past, but I wasn't particularly motivated at the time to work on losing weight myself. BF never mentioned anything about wanting me to diet as well.

Sometime earlier this year he announced that he'd lost over 20 lbs. His clothes were fitting much better and WOW! Hot! I could really see the change in his face and body while I was still feeling overweight and yucky.

At the end of March, we went out to dinner with one of his ex-GFs (they didn't date for very long and are still good friends. I'm an adult about it but still quietly competitive.) She had always been close to my weight. Well, during the meal, she mentioned that she was working on weight loss too.

That got me thinking. I went home and researched the diet plan she was on. Expensive and not for me, especially when I had all the tools I needed and past experience doing Weight Watchers.

The next morning I got on the scale and freaked out when I saw MY HIGHEST WEIGHT EVER. I plopped a notepad down on my bathroom vanity counter, recorded my weight, and opened up a spreadsheet food journal on my desktop at work that day. I've been pretty faithfully OP since.

BF made no comment when I mentioned that I was on WW about a week later, but last week he said that he could see a change in my face already. I think he's a shameless flatterer, but the compliment really encouraged me.

Anyway, the point of this story (beyond shameless self-promotion) is that your S.O. is noticing the change, and he's probably thinking about it. Give him the tools he needs without trickery or pushiness and he may eventually come on board. He's backed himself into a corner with the whole "I don't like 2% milk." etc. When he starts drinking it or making a quiet effort to eat more healthy foods, don't comment on it until he specifically mentions it himself. Keep your words positive and laced with compliments.

Be patient. As others have said, it may take a while.

I think you've gotten a lot of good advice from many angles so I won't repeat that. The one thing I DO want to emphasize is that everyone has a different relationship with different history etc. Your relationship is young so there is less 'history' to rely on.

Why that matters is because of the establishment of trust within a marriage. I've been married for 13 years and have a history over those years of not being a nag. Because of that history, I could do the loving approach about his weight to my husband and probably have a pretty good chance that he'd take it in the spirit intended. I have NOT done that though because, having been together so long, I know he knows he needs to lose weight and I know him well enough to know that if I nag, he'll take the EXACT OPPOSITE approach because then it becomes about resistance to being controlled instead of dealing with a food overconsumption issue. My actions would change the dialog away from the intended course.

On the milk thing- just buy some 2%, pour it into his glass and after he finishes it ask if he noticed anything different. When he fails to notice, tell him it was 2% and ask if you can switch to that. Be cute and loving and joking when you do that. The upfront approach that asks permission is respectful and likely to keep the conversation on the intended track.

Switching his milk behind his back is manipulative, controlling and sneaky. When he finds out you've been doing that, and he will, the conversation will NEVER be about calories etc. as you intend but rather about you being sneaky, manipulative and controlling. Change the parts YOU can that you control and respect him enough to let him make his own choices. It's HARD to do that (I know from experience) but example is the only way. Let him SEE for himself how much better YOU look, how much more energy YOU have, the way YOUR OWN confidence has grown and hope that he decides he wants some of that for himself.

When I was a kid, we used to get milk delivered in bottles with "pop tops" that were color coded -- green was 2%, blue was skim, red was whole. We always got the green tops. My mother changed the tops on us, from blue to green, and didn't tell us for MONTHS. We never even noticed.
Swap out the whole for 2% if you like, but I think that the milk is the least of your worries -- swap out his bologna sandwiches and hot dogs, instead, for, say, turkey ones to start with... IF you have to...
Kira

I am curious, what if you gained a few pounds and he was saying the same things to you?

Well, i'd hope he can be honest with me too. But i guess to answer your question...it depends on how he said it. My feelings are hurt easily sometimes. But again, i want to look good for my husband. And i want to be healthy as well...for him, myself and our future kids. If he's bothered by something i usually try to fix it. For most things, even if it hurt my feelings, it's better than him not telling me and me finding out when it's too late or in this case...it gets out of control. For example...if i cook something he don't like....i want him to tell me. And i've stressed this to him because I know he wouldn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he dont like the dish or that i burnt it, etc. But there is no need in me continuing to fix something he don't like or making him eat something that's burnt, etc. Granted, i'd want him to do it in a nice way. But he might be different than me and handle things differently. His family is a little tougher than mine (in general). I dont want him looking back one day....after having health issues or whatever and asking why i didn't tell him he was getting too big. Or if i don't say something to him about it....and later he has health issues, it'll be just as much my fault for not warning him. Ignoring a problem dont make it go away. Make sense?

No, I think you're confused here. It will not be your fault if he continues to overeat, gains more weight, and dies of an obesity-related illness. You aren't his mother or his keeper.

Yes, you can warn him. You can say, "Dear husband, by gaining weight you may be compromising your health, and I sure don't want to be a widow because of that--I love you!" And once you have said that, you have warned him. You're done at that point. Get it?

If he was an alcoholic and wouldn't stop drinking, it wouldn't be your fault because you failed to wrestle the bottle out of his hands.

Jay

This is what I was trying to say earlier. It is seeming like, based on the things you are saying, that you are merging his issues into something about you when it is really about his health. Yes it is also about you both as a couple, but he still is his own person.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but you HAVE talked about things with him. I thought that is what you said. You also ARE making healthy changes to benefit you both. Most of the people here think going behind his back and being "sneaky" isn't the best option as well as nagging as that could lead to a resentful situation. You can't say you want him to be honest and open to you, when you're sneaking the milk situation under his nose, which is dishonest.

Shouldn't it be you don't want him looking back and wishing he done things differently with his health? The fault lies with HIM not you as he is his own person, but it IS NOT about fault. It is about his health and you BOTH as a couple.

I'm not wanting to throw you on the defensive. Just in case you thought there was a negative tone to my reply, there isn't an intention of that so I hope you don't think there is. I'm just throwing out a few angles for you to consider. I really think you are focused more on you than him is what I'm saying. That is why I replied earlier with the idea of some reflection. :)

I'm sorry if I sounded like I nag my husband, and have drug him into doing a lifestyle change that he does not want to do. I guess that I needed to give some background info that would make me not sound as horrible as the people think I am that posted after me. When we got married 13 1/2 yrs ago my husband weighed about 200 lbs. Since we have been married he has gained 50 lbs, lost 50 lbs, gained it back again, and lost it, and now is 260. He loves to snowmobile, because we live in the best area for that, and everytime he comes home I have to listen to him talk about how badly he needs to lose weight, because he feels like he is going to have a heart attack while he is riding, and if he has to help get someone unstuck also. His grandpa died at the age of 39 from his 3rd heart attack, so that is always in my mind with him being overweight. He is getting his car re-done, and always says that he should lose weight for being in the pictures with his car . I just get sick of him saying that he needs to lose weight, and it is not for the reason of his health, but for his snowmobiling, or posing in a picture. I don't nag on him all day long, but just would say, if you want to lose weight than do something about it. His idea of weight loss was drinking a slim fast shake for 2 meals, starving in between, and eating whatever he wanted for super. Obviously that doesn't work, because you lose the weight, and then gain it right back. Plus, it isn't good to starve yourself. So, out of conern, I suggested us to count our calories together, and he could of said no, because you don't FORCE my husband to do anything that he doesn't want to do. I hope this explains a little better of our weight struggle, and my concern of his health, since his grandpa died at age 39 of his 3rd heart attack. My husband was also admitted to the hospital when he was about 26, because he thought he was having a heart attack, and they had to do the whole procedure of looking at all of his veins to make sure they weren't plugged. So, I don't agree with nagging your husband to death, but I also do believe that you should be able to express your feelings for him. I don't think changing a person and making that your life goal is good, but throwing in a couple ideas of how he can eat healthier never hurts. I would get to the point where I would just give up on my husband and tell him I am eating healthier, so if you choose not to that it is your decision, but I don't think our kids should suffer either by having a bad example from their dad. Plus, my husband's sister is very overweight, because of health issues, and she is always trying to lose weight, and if my husband and her make some changes, they can help each other.

I don't think you're a horrible person, frustratedmom! I totally understand where you're coming from. I've had this conversation with my bf as well. It's frustrating when someone complains about a problem but does nothing to fix it! I think both parties in a relationship should understand that their lifestyle affects the people around them, as much as weight loss is a personal battle.

Well, my opinion comes from being a nurse.Being overweight is a major health concern.Its never selfish or inappropriate to express your concern for his health.I believe this can be done tactfully.I discuss these things with my patients every day.Sad thing is, most people dont listen until it hits home.I tell my husband all of the time he needs to lose weight, exercise and reduce his cholesterol.Has he?Nope.But I am still telling him.LOL!

Well, I don't know how many cookies he eats before bed, but if you're doing all the cooking it shouldn't be too hard to cut back on the calories in the food. LOL at watering down the milk! You could also buy 2% milk and put it in an old whole milk container... as long as he doesn't look at the expiration date he probably won't notice.

And hey, count your blessings. My hubby is 380. Your hubby is fit and trim by comparison ;D