My husband's weight
 

Ugh, I don't even know how to start this thread.

I married a man who weights almost 400lbs. His weight was not an issue when we started dating... it didn't become an issue until I realized what his weight could mean to our future, once I started becoming interested in a future with him. I went ahead and married him, because I figured he can change his weight, and he's got everything else going for him.

I've talked with him, over and over, in every way I can think of, to try and get him to lose weight. He's heavy enough that I'm pretty sure he's not going to make it another 20 years. He wants to lose weight... I try to help, but what he thinks is "healthy" is really still bad for him... and he hasn't lost any weight.

He said that if he got a gym membership, he'd go. He'd gone before, but stopped because of whatever. So I got that membership... and he only went when I nagged him. I stopped nagging him, and he stopped going.

I really have no idea what to do. We've gone through 3 computer chairs in the past 2 years... they always break. The cheapest one that will support his weight is over $300... he also wants a new bed, because the one we have is broken down. I won't get a new bed, because he'll just break the new one down as fast as this one. I've tried explaining to him, as nicely as I can, that being morbidly obese costs you... not just health care, but in ways you don't even realize.

Every angle I can think of, I've tried. He doesn't like being overweight... he constantly makes fun of and expresses disgust at people who don't even weigh as much as him. I've tried being supportive, I've tried crying, I've tried cooking for him (he just buys fast food more often), I've tried ignoring it.

I'm not ready to give up yet. The only thing I HAVEN'T tried is an ultimatum, and I don't want to do that. But I also don't want to be 50, him dead, and me all alone. I don't want him to suffer the way he eventually... right now, he's only 30, so he can still get around and do most things (as long as it's not too hot out...) but eventually it'll catch up with him and then be even harder to lose the weight.

I know, this was long and rambling. I don't know what to do anymore! Someone help please...

:( Sigh... unfortunately, you can't "make" someone want to lose weight. I do think you should tell him how you feel and what you wrote in this post. That's a beginning.

All you can do is focus on your own weight loss progress. You came to the right place though! :)

~ tea

One day he will not be able to get up. What will you do then? I know--this must be scaring you terribly. :(

I think at some point you may to have to get to that ultimatum, and mean it. A strong incentive to change might help him. As long as he can find a way to work around the issue, he will. Have you tried getting him to a doctor, getting him on a serious medically supervised program? Because at that weight, he is going to need more support than you can probably give him.

Jay

In a sense, he's the one giving you the ultimatum. Either you wave goodbye to your own freedom and spend your life caring for him when he's ill and unable to move, or you leave. If his current behaviour continues, these are the choices he is leaving you with. He's only 30 right now. You can either see that as plenty of time to change and live happy, healthy lives together, or a sentence ahead of you lasting decades where you will continue to feel as you feel right now. Something has to change, and either you both do it together (which I hope you can do), or you make a choice for your own well-being.

I think you need to speak with him again, and it needs to be serious. I'd articulate all of the stuff you've written in this post, including the ultimatum - there's no need to give it now, but there's no point in pretending that it isn't an option. I agree with Jay's advice - this is a terrible situation and it must be extremely difficult for you, but the only thing that should happen now is action - you can't stand still and let this happen, and hopefully he will see that he needs to take action too. I'd seek as much support from people around you as you can get.

I hope this post doesn't sound offensive, but I wanted to give my honest reaction to your post. Best of luck to both of you in whatever you choose to do.

I did get him to go to a doctor last year... the stupid doctor told him he's in surprisingly good health. He took this to mean that he's fine. I told him it just means he's in good shape FOR HIS WEIGHT. I don't know if the doctor talked to him about his future health or not, but it seems like he didn't.

Eventually it will have to come down to an ultimatum. I'm gonna keep working at it... we've only been married for a year and a half. I talked to him some tonight, and maybe he'll start working on it. My mom says that I should nag him, and just ignore it when he gets pissed at me, and keep at him.

I'm thinking of going to a therapist for both of us. I think there's some deeper issues here.

Thanks everyone, for your support. :)

This advice has helped me a lot, too....I'm having the same issue with MY husband. He's 30 and 6 foot 2 inches tall, and weighs about 290 pounds. He KNOWS he needs to lose weight, but he's got a severe problem with emotional eating. He has a bad day...gotta eat. He's mad...gotta eat. We go out on weekends, and he's gotta eat a bunch of fried stuff and a king sized candy bar AFTER drinking beer. It's always fried or sweet stuff. I've tried just not buying the stuff, but he's a truck driver and has infinite access to convenience stores all day long. So if he doesn't get it at home, he'll buy twice as much while he's gone.

I'll eventually be just like you. Right now my husband is physically capable of doing the entire first workout of the 30 Day Shred without resting....but I can see where his weight will grow and grow and it scares me.

Just be supportive and do your best to encourage healthy eating habits. There is nothing else that can be done that I have ever seen. I am sorry.

That's the first hard lesson I learned after I got married. You can't change them. This is something he is going to have to want to do himself. All you can do is be supportive of him. Encourage him and keep talking to him. Maybe one day he will wake up and see what he needs to do.

Go to a therapist, decide if you have a future with him if he doesn't change, and act on it.
Only he can lose the weight. My dad had a weight issue and man it was tough as my mom wanted him to lose it. My dad saw this as a control issue. Needless to say, noone was happy EVER in our home. For years. We would have been better off had they separated.
Anyways, you can't make him lose the weight. Any pressure from you will worsen things. This is HIS problem. I know, by extension, it becomes your problem. So the only thing you need to sort out is "can I accept him as he is without trying to change him?". If the answer is NO, then you need to move on. If the answer is YES, then you need to accept that this is his problem to solve, and you can't make him do it nor can you do it for him.
Sounds easy, but I know it isn't...
Kira

This is seemingly the problem with doctors these days. I recently went for a physical and even though I am OBESE, all my blood test results came back normal and healthy. A lot of doctors seem to think that because you're OK now, don't worry about it. Preventative medicine seems to not catch on around here... not sure why. I get the same reaction when I go to my yearly at my OB/GYN and talk about wanting to lose weight to have kids. "Oh don't worry," she says, "I've seen plenty of people in all sizes get pregnant and have babies." OK, I believe her, but wouldn't it be better if I was healthy and not overweight? wouldn't it cut down on my risk of gestational diabetes if I wasn't already obese? This stuff really gets to me. Just because your husband is healthy in terms of cholesterol or triglycerides doesn't mean that he won't have a problem later on in life. The time to be preventative is NOW instead of waiting until there is already a problem!

I think the best you can do is lead by example. Ultimately, it is not your body and not your responsibility.. and I wouldn't nag, because I think that will just turn him off and he may become resentful. He has to make the choices for himself.

It's one thing to nag, another to walk the walk with him. I can gripe at my husband for hours on end about how he needs to go to the gym - but what does that say if I'm not? I do it with him, it's our date - we go together when he goes. If he doesn't want to go, well - I'll still go.

Same with food, he can eat junk alone, or we can have a great time preparing it and dining together as a family.

It's a family issue, in my opinion. My husband doesn't have a weight problem, WE have a weight problem. Once I stopped looking solely at his weight or mine, as a joint issue I could see it was our problem, one we had to solve together. I include my 5 year old (normal weight) son in family health and decisions. We're not getting daddy or mommy healthy, we're ALL getting healthy. It doesn't matter how much weight I've lost - I'm not at goal until my husband is too, this is about us.

I don't know if you're just starting out with weight loss, but if prior to this you've been his partner in crime then it will take some time for him to accept that change. In my mind, when I started, I changed literally overnight - it took my husband months to realize I was serious about this, us. It takes some time, really. Let him see you mean business, just keep leading by example. If things don't eventually change then offer the ultimatums.

I think this is an excellent idea. I think if you're both willing to do this, it would be a really positive way of moving things forward.

When someone reaches the weight that your husband is currently at, there's more to it than just liking your food, or having limited self-restraint. I think this is true for many people that become obese, but particularly pertinent to those who seriously threaten their own lives with their weight. I think there's often something deeper there, and with the support of a third party who isn't emotionally involved in the situation in the way that you are, you may find that you are both able to make significant progress.

Best of luck.

Have you discussed WLS with him? It's extreme but when you get over 400 pounds you need the extreme.

Wow, tough situation. My husband wasn't nearly in the same position when I got serious about weight loss, but he made it clear very early on that he wasn't interested in coming along with me on a weight loss journey -- even though he was morbidly obese, too.

So, I soldiered on and after a few months he got interested! We've been doing this together ever since.

From this I learned that you can't nag somebody into wanting to lose weight. You can model, and see if he'll go along, but he might not.

So, what to do? I think putting yourself first isn't a bad idea, but don't be under any illusions that nagging or ultimatums are going to wake him up and get him to want to lose weight. He might just dig his heels in deeper.

I DO think you should talk to him and be honest with him. And keep talking. Tell him about your fears. Therapy's a good idea too. But in the end, it may be more for you than for him. Unless he WANTS to change, he won't.

My DH was over 300 when he finally realized he needed to lose weight. Granted, he's 43, and our daughter is 2, and his gut was getting in the way of her sitting on daddy's lap.

Sometimes, it take something like that, a BIG smack in the face, to make them realize they need to change, as their weight is restricting them from life's pleasures. So, DH gave up his fleeting food pleasures for more of life's lasting pleasures.

Have you tried taking pictures of him, in all his glory, and then showing him the photos? That always shocks my broccoli, when I see myself in a picture. For some reason, the person I see in the mirror is not the same fat girl I see in pictures. Take a GOOD, full size shot, have it blown up, maybe even life sized, make a big cardboard cut-out of him, at his weight, so he can SEE how large he is! (OK, maybe that's too extreme) ;)

Point being, maybe he really doesn't realize just how large he is, and is fooling himself.

We've been through the broken chairs, broken bed, etc as well. Had to throw out one couch, as the cushions were so compacted that it felt like you were sitting on the floor. Didn't phase him. Took the baby not fitting on his lap to turn that light on.

He's been on weight watchers for two weeks now, and lost 8.4 lbs his first week, and 4.8 his second week, and is so proud of himself, and so empowered, he's a new man. The kids say he's happier, he's motivated, and his gut is going down.

There is hope. You just have to try to find that motivation that will click for him.

Like some of the other posters, it's been up to me to be the model in my relationship with my husband and inspire him to lose weight. I started out quietly, last May--didn't tell him that I'd quit eating sugar, didn't tell him I was working on my diet. After a few weeks he noticed anyways. After a month or so, I suggested to him that maybe he'd want to quit sugar too? And then, miraculously, he did decide to quit.

Since then we've had a focus as a couple on eating healthfully, avoiding sugar and white refined foods and processed stuff, and just being healthy in general. After I started formally exercising in around November, lo and behold, he started doing it too, in December. Together we have now lost around 145 pounds. My husband relies on me a lot to be his nutritional database and let him know what's healthy and what's not, and I gladly take on that role for him, even though (in theory) he's got the same information available at his fingertips on the 'net as I do.

So I guess my advice to you is to inspire and model, not nag and *****. You can't control him, you can't change him, but you can be the best YOU that you can be.

Wow to some of these responses! really! I will start off by saying this, Nag him and he will never do it NEVER! and honestly, what ever happened to marriages being "for better or for worse"??? You DID say "once I started becoming interested in a future with him. I went ahead and married him, because I figured he can change his weight" I don't know why someone would marry unless it was 100% commitment, I guess divorcing out of a non perfect situation has become the norm these days and something that I disagree with.

An ultimatum will do nothing but make the man more stubborn (ask me how I know this) "I'm sorry honey I can't stay married to you because you are fat" (the reasons that makes it a justifiable statement to you won't matter at all) yeah that will go well for you and you might even find yourself being the one served the divorce papers, I am married to the most wonderful (beautiful) lady a fella would ever want but if she had ever given me an ultimatum I would have told her to not let the door hit her on her posterior on the way out. but you said that you didn't want to do that anyways, I would stick to that feeling of not wanting to do it.

I feel ya on the broken furniture (again ask me how I know) but making someone more uncomfortable won't do anything at all for the situation other than maybe start a run down that hill called depression.

I think that Thighs be gone got it right, "Just be supportive and do your best to encourage healthy eating habits. There is nothing else that can be done that I have ever seen." I would let him know that you are genuinely afraid for his health and well being and offer to do anything that is within your power to help him.

You are on this site so I assume that you eat healthy and are trying to maintain or lose weight yourself, I would just try your best to show him that eating well can be a part of life where healthy living is concerned. if you love him all you can do is support him and let him know how it makes you feel and how you worry about his health and the longevity of his life. I was once 534 pounds and ultimately my wife and kiddos are why I chose to lose the weight (that and the fear of not being around for them), I am 187 pounds less today than just 15 months ago when I started and the SAME MAN that my wife fell in love with, in fact I am lighter today than when I met her.

If you like show him my blog (in my sig) and tell him that it is not impossible to drop the weight, in fact he can email me directly if he would like (you too for that matter). If I can drop it He certainly can but if you value your marriage and love that guy don't nag him to death or start handing out ultimatums, reverse the situation and think about how it would play out if you were on the receiving end.

sorry for the LONG response semi rant mode ridden answer BUT I had to chime in on this one, and good luck.

As Ever
Me

Its funny, but when we start changing ourselves, and we start feeling good about ourselves, we want everyone around us that we love to also feel this way and change. But, you can't force the issue. My brother in law and sister in law have been working out and eating healthy for a couple of years.. they are constantly telling the family about how unhealthy our habits were.. it was annoying. We started calling them the food police and would eat worse in front of them to spite them.

Then a couple of months ago I decided to join their team and start exercising and eating better. I wanted my husband to join me but he just said no.. then a few days later, he had his light bulb moment when his cousin who hasn't seen him in five years saw his facebook profile picture and called him fat. It was weird.. his friends, brother and I have all told him that he was gaining weight, but this random cousin who he hardly talks to calls him fat and he jumps on board.

No one can say what will be the catalyst, and what can motivate someone. But, seeing you in action will be something hard to deny. For my husband, I think he always was afraid of being hungry. For him portion control is the issue, and he just was afraid of being hungry. But, when he saw that the diet I was on allowed me to eat as much and as often as I wanted.. but just make better choices.. with unlimited fruits, vegetables, lentils and beans.. he saw this as something he could do. We're on the Fat Smash diet.. might be something you want to look into for him.

One thing I know about my husband is that while he sees results, he is big time motivated. He is more motivated than I am sometimes. He makes us exercise and I make the food. We're a good team :)

Hey BOTZZ, thanks for your insight from the male point of view. BUT, I would just like to add one thing. A lot of men do not listen or pay a particle of attention to what women say. (Ask me how I know this!) And they continue to ignore things until something smacks them and gets their attention.

So, I have no idea what the OP should say to her husband, but I do figure that he's not paying attention, and he needs to get the word. Maybe it would be better if she had a man deliver a message to him so he could actually HEAR it. Not a message that she is going to leave him--that's not a message anyone else can deliver! But that he really has to get his act together and get rid of the weight.

What would you say to this guy?

Jay

I know its not totally true but I heard the statement somewhere that "a woman marries a man hoping he will change, a man marries a woman hoping she won't change"

Really, you can't expect someone to change to who you want them to be. I would discuss your concerns with your husband, tell him that you are concerned that he will die or be negatively affected in the future. Ask him if he would be interested in therapy for both of you as well as individually. Tell him that you will help him as much as you can but that he needs to decide if he wants to do it. He needs to answer deep down inside of himself.

We all know it is a struggle to lose weight and many of us have started losing weight only to go back to bad habits, it may take multiple tries before he can find his path to weight loss. If he has no interest in losing weight though, he will never lose weight. You will have to decide if you will still want to be married to him if he weighs 400 lbs or not.

Although I think if I was him I'd say "you married me this way, you knew what you were getting into" and he'd be right.

IMHO, "you married me this way, you knew what you were getting into" is a cop-out for him.

I got married at 23, 130 pounds and care-free. I'm now 43 and well over 130 lbs and the mother of 5 kids. I'll never be that 23 year old again, nor would I want to be. Life is about change. Life IS change! We all grow, change, evolve to become better people. And we meet people along the way, to help us in that journey.

I agree, you marry the person, not the weight. A person's weight is a variable. It CAN change, it DOES change, it WILL change. I loved my husband at 220, I loved him at 300, I'll love him at whatever weight he ends up at. His weight loss journey was his decision.

Ultimately, you cannot MAKE another person lose weight. I have enough trouble losing my own weight, I can't take on the burden of being responsible for anothers. But I can be supportive, I can be understanding, and I can, if necessary, give a reality check from time to time.

What helped my DH get motivated as well. Another man at his work lost over 100 lbs on weight watchers. He's actually been a terrific support and cheerleader for hubby, at work where the temptation to eat is at it's worst. If he's having a moment, he'll ask this man, and the reserve kicks in and he's able to avoid the temptation.

Good luck...I know there are many varied idea here, and everyone hopes and wishes for the best for you and yours...:)

This isn't a cop-out for him!!! You married the person for whom he or she was. And I know that women get really stressed when their partners make comments or ultimatums, so why would this be any different? Just look on the forum on the UK chicks called "has anyones husband/boyfriend told them they were fat?" The advice ranges from leave him, to to heck with him, but not ONE person has said that he has a point and that you should lose weight for him. I KNOW how we all react when a loved one says this to you. This. Is. His. Personal. Issue. Only he can resolve it. You can't find the motivation for him to change.
Honestly, did someone else's remarks or comments EVER motivate you to lose weight? Did any of us find it helpful when our DHs/partners told us we were unappealing and needed to lose weight? Or that we were unhealthy? Or broke furniture and cost us money? He's not stupid -- he knows this, but I'll bet he doesn't find that having it pointed out to be helpful. It doesn't work that way. We all had to find our OWN motivation, in our OWN time, for what WORKS FOR US.
This really is starting to infuriate me, as we women seem to want to assume the responsibility for what someone else CHOOSES to put into his mouth. But if the shoe was on the other foot, it would be reams and reams of posts that would say "Can you BELIEVE my DH said that? He married me this way! I thought he loved ME and not my weight! My MD says I'm FINE. I'm TRYING".
Your DH is a person. He has to come to this realization on his own. You can try to quietly live by example, but I fear that you won't change him and an ultimatum would make it worse...
Kira

I agree with the other posters, it's pretty much impossible to make someone lose weight, all you can do really is be a good model, and try not to nag!
I am worried about my bf's weight too, but I know from my experience that wanting to lose weight and actually doing it are separate things. However shallow this may sound, I don't think I would get married to someone I think could 'use a little work' because I've always heard that problems in relationships tend to be magnified after getting married, not disappear.

reading this thread made me wonder, what if he was an alcoholic? Being very overweight can cause serious health issues and if he continues gaining weight or even staying that weight as he gets older it will effect her alot. It is a very scary situation.

Ofcourse I would never want my husband or anyone telling me I need to lose weight and that I was fat. It would break my heart! But at the same time I think there is a difference in telling someone I don't find you attractive you are a fat pig & in saying I am worried about your health and our life together. My husband could tell me I was beautiful and he loved me for everything I am but he wants to spend a very long healthy life with me, that he doesn't want to have to watch me suffer or have health issues. I have diabetes and that really kick started me wanting to make changes and be healtheir and lose this weight. I can totally imagine if instead when I found out I decided to ignore it and continue to eat whatever I wanted then I would want my husband to speak up and confront me. Even if at that moment in time it hurt. You can't just sit back and let someone kill themselves or hurt themselves and have them just expect you to sit back and watch and be hurt yourself.

Yes he is the only one that can make the choice to actually do it. But I think if he values you and your life together he would be willing to listen to you and atleast try. You know go to the doctor with you and to therapy even if needed.

But eh I just posted a thread about my own hubby problems lol so idk...

When I first joined WW 4 years ago and lost 25 pounds before deciding I could "do it on my own" (yeah right, here I am again!), my husband and I both needed to lose about 60-70 pounds. After a week or so going to WW and loving it, I told him casually that there were some other guys at the meetings, and would he like to come with? He said nope, no thanks, and I dropped it. I worried a little to myself, but didn't mention it again.

When I started "doing it on my own", I found Sparkpeople.com for entering my calorie info, and like everything else I "discover", I went on and on to him about how awesome it was and how much I liked it. He was curious, so he created an account. And bam! That was it. A year later he'd lost 65 pounds, took up a serious running habit, and completely and permanently changed the way he eats. That was it for him, it just "clicked". He'll never go back to overeating, I can tell, he's a different person about it.

Of course, in the meantime, I got tired of using sparkpeople (and if I'm honest with myself, probably a little jealous of how quickly he was losing weight, d'oh) and just gradually stopped counting calories. A few stressful jobs and a year living in Texas later, and I'd regained the weight and then some.

But at no point during that year and a half did he ever say anything about it, ever. He continued to support me, whether that was keeping quiet as I ordered french fries, or encouraging me as I tried and failed a few times to "eat better". Every now and then he'd ask if I wanted to come with him to the gym, but that was it. Of course, I was becoming more and more horrified by what I was doing to my body, and when we finally moved to Oregon, the switch flipped for me.... I had to change. He supported me just like he had been all along, and now that he can see I'm really serious about it this time, he's really happy for me.

I know how much you want him to have it "click", to realize what he needs to do and just do it... but it's true, you really can't want something for someone else, they have to want it. You've let him know how you feel, and that you're willing to help... and you're setting a good example by eating right and working out. Beyond that, there really isn't anything you can do, and like Botzz said, nagging will only make it worse for both of you.

But at some point soon he's going to be faced with the reality of his weight, and if you're there to help guide him when he realizes it, then you'll see him change. Until then... you'll probably just have to keep it to yourself. Bummer.

Men do baffle me at times, but one thing that remains constant is the stubborn attitude they have lol.

I think when you say "the only thing I haven't tried is an ultimatum" well...to me and I'm speaking generally, why not try being fully supportive because you love him? To me being supportive isn't about nagging or trying to change someone so they please you. To me being supportive isn't about being fixated on broken chairs or other annoyances and certainly being supportive is not about giving ultimatums. I mean if you love this person and worry over their weight why would you just leave them? That doesn't make sense to me and certainly not a good foundation for a marriage. I know that people can only take so much and obviously this is a core issue with you, however you cannot make someone do what you want them to do. Even if it is in their best interest. Besides and to be frank, the issue is about him and his health, not you and your health.

I think by expressing your true feelings and worries and love for this man and then doing things to be supportive is your best bet at helping him. The more you nag, the more you push, and finally the ultimatums will only push him away from you.

You should tell him your fears about his health in a way that isn't criticizing. "I'm generally worried that I'm going to loose you" and then why not help him by making small changes for the both of you. There is nothing wrong with expressing feelings, in my opinion. Besides by you living your life the way you want, you are showing him that you can be healthy and be happy.

Only he can decide to change his life.

Hmm there's definitely a lot of different opinions flying around in here. I'm not married and am pretty young, but here are my two cents.

If he is embarrassed about his weight, he probably wants to lose some, regardless of the fact that he just goes out and buys more fast food. The whole "weight loss" notion is probably pretty overwhelming for someone who, er, I assume, has not dieted ever or in quite some time. I would talk about making a compromise with him over food and exercise. I don't know if you were nagging him about going to the gym with you, or just going to the gym by himself, but maybe if you made it a couples thing -- you know, talk to him about going to the gym twice a week as part of your routine together? I work at a gym, and the biggest thing I try to do with people is just get them COMFORTABLE in the gym. Make it a place they want to go, that isn't intimidating. Maybe if the gym and eating healthy weren't so intimidating he would be more inclined to do partake. As for eating healthy, perhaps another sort of compromised can be reached...once he realizes how delicious more natural, home cooked foods can be maybe he'll be more open to them, or if you make alternatives to fast food at home (check out hungry girl online for some great recipes) he would see that it is something that could work for him. Baby steps.

Also, I don't know how you are typically breaching the subject of his weight, but perhaps using the phrase "I feel..." to start sentences rather than "you should" would help. Saying, "I feel concerned about your weight, and I think if we made a commitment as a couple to be healthy we could find support in each other to do it. I want to make a healthy life WITH YOU." As opposed to "You should really go to the gym." or "Here, I made something healthy for you" which don't really give him many options, and might make him feel defensive.

I dunno, just my two cents :shrug: