[kaplods]

I once had an amazing suggestion from one of my doctors. He said he never tells people, especially if their diet is filled with fatty foods to completely change what they're eating, or to even focus on eating less. He says he tells patients to always "start with adding before you take away," because it eliminates the punishment feeling. He says if you "take away" things from your diet, feeling deprived is normal, but if you "add things" to your diet, there's no deprivation, so there's nothing to miss. He says telling someone "instead of eating fried foods, eat baked meats and veggies," they will miss what's missing. However, when he tells people "don't worry about changing or limiting what you eat, I want your first step to focus on eating more fruits and vegetables," often they lose a little weight without trying (and even if they don't it's a good first step), and it boosts their confidence in themselves in being able to make changes without being miserable.

Even if eating more veggies, initially means covering them with fatty toppings to make them palatable, the toppings can be cut back slowly.

I think the worse a person's problems are, sometimes the smaller the steps they have to take, because even a relatively small change can be quite overwhelming.

I think there have been many indicators that your friend is overwhelmed by the changes she thinks she needs to make. A lot of people think they have to make drastic changes or they don't "count," but it's so not true. I think joining the contest was just a step for her that was far too big for her to take on (especially if it's intimidating her from making small changes she feels she could manage).

[Denvermolorado82]

I believe people will have to hit a bottom and realize they need help. This person knows theyt need to lose weight they just don't want to admit they need help. It's one of the hardest things to do.

[eviemc]

Ok so she came over and I addressed the problem with the team and then said that if there is anything that I can do please let me know. I explained that was the benifit in doing this with a team. I also told her if she was not ready that was ok. She said that it comes down to time managment. She has just bought a home after living with her parents her whole life. She is having trouble learning to cook things and just knowing what to do in general. So she wants me to contact her once a weekends, she is usually over, and go over what we did for the week. I am also going to give her a copy of what we eat for the week. She is just lost, she has no idea how to do it on her own. I think this will help both of us. I knew she wanted me to say something, she is just that type that needs to be ask "Do you need help?" So I am glad I went with my gut and ask her.

[recidivist]

I'm glad it worked out well for you and hope she meets with success. If she is lost, and has a computer, maybe you could introduce her to this site for help and advice on meal planning and recipes and inspiration? She may be too shy for that, but she can always lurk and not post for awhile.

[JayEll]

eviemc, I'm glad it worked out too. That's the thing--none of us here really knows your friend the way you do.

Jay

[dini22]

eviemc, first of all, I want to tell you that I truly appreciate the thoughtful way that you asked for feedback before moving forward. I hope that the way you and she have decided to proceed will be successful and rewarding for both of you.

I have to say that when I started going through this thread, I was on board with everyone who was suggesting that saying nothing and showing her a healthy example was the way to go. But then I really started thinking about what it means to be accountable to other folks in a weight loss group. I think an important part of the group dynamic is to develop an "action plan" at the very beginning. If possible, facilitate a discussion where the members of the group can put on the table what kind of support they need from the other members, what is okay and not okay to say and do, and what all members expect from each other in their individual quests to stay on track. For example, if your friend had said "when you see me getting off track, please invite me to exercise with you and remind me that you love and support me" or "please give me some space" or "please ask me about what is going on in my life that is detracting from my success" then you would know what is safe and appropriate.

Your caring and love for her is clear, and I just bet that she knows it!