yikes. oh I cannot imagine that this will turn out well.
Even now that I'm trying to lose weight, if anyone even off-handedly mentions anything about my extra weight, or extra weight in general, I feel mortified and sad.
Before I started this journey, it was even worse. I spent years pretending to myself that i wasn't really fat, just curvy, whatever, so that when anyone made mention of it, it was like they had suddenly stripped me naked and pushed me into a spotlight.
You're just going to devastate, embarrass and anger her if you try to give her the 'I know best' lecture. The real point is, you've gotten control of your life, and it seems your family's life too. I hate to say it this way, but you can't control everybody. You can directly influence those in your household and yourself, but its not your job to forklift every heavy friend you've got onto the weight-loss wagon. Deciding to lose weight is a very very personal journey and hopefully she will come to it in time, because she sounds very very unhealthy. But all you're gonna do is burn your bridges for when she is ready--she's not going to come to you for help and support if you've made her feel like a huge disgusting slob. Just be there for her, but don't be overbearing or holier-than-thou. I'm thrilled you've been so successful on your own weight loss journey, but be content with that and just be there for her when she finally does reach out. Set a good example.
I have tried to say things and she shuts me out ...
You already have your answer in your own words ...
I agree with Kaplods and everyone else: she already knows she needs to lose weight and that's why she did join you in the Scaleback Alabama group.
She doesn't need any more of your opinions, she needs your love and support; and that's what a 'real' friend would do. I would never disown a friend or relative simply because they need to lose weight; or can't lose weight at the rate that I think they should. She must go at her own pace: look at my signature.
When someone is very heavy and has many health issues, we cannot do things at the same rate or in the same way as someone who has only 50 lbs or less to lose. If I overdo the exercise, I end up injuring myself and am in agony for days, and then I have to rest until the damage from muscle strain is repaired.
I have had many people nag me and insult me about my weight over the years and that just made me feel worse and I ended my associations with them, not because I didn't know that I needed to lose weight, but that I interpeted that as they could not love me or accept me unless I was thinner.
Critical comments have the opposite effect of what you might imagine: their remarks wounded me so much that I would not only eat more; but wouldn't even want to go outside, let alone go for a walk. What we really need is compliments and encouragement; to feel accepted and wanted, so that we can feel strong enough to take on the challenge of living healthier each day.
I agree that asking her to be YOUR support buddy would be the only thing that you should even consider (ie to go for a friendly stroll a few times a week). Keep the focus on yourself where it should be. If she declines your offer, then drop it for good, unless she brings it up sometime down the road and/or asks for your help ...
As a friend, almost a sister, I can not sit by and watch her kill herself, that is what she is doing.
I agree with Kaplods. It does not sound like you are doing this because you care for her (although I know you do) but because it hurts YOU to see her like this...it's your pain that you want to heal. I understand that, but if you lose your friend, or make her feel even worse about herself in the process (and possibly binge even more), what good has that done for her?
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She has stopped coming over because of us eating healthy food and she feels pressured (so her daughter said) to not overeat.
She is not staying away because she is afraid to overeat at your house. She could always eat normally at your house and then go to a fast food place and fill up later. That's what bingers do. She is avoiding your house because she feels you judging her.
recidivist makes an exceptional point, the pressure she reports feeling is not about pressure not to overeat, It's a self-consciousness of eating in your presence (perhaps because she is sure or afraid that you are judging her for it, and may even comment on it).
As confident as I am in most situations, I wouldn't step foot in a person's house for a meal if I suspected they were going to be watching and monitoring everything I put in my mouth (even if I was sure they wouldn't actually say anything). That kind of pressure is extremely destructive.
I'm not saying that you put that pressure on her, but if you have ever made any comments about what she was eating or how much she was eating, or even if you gave her subtle but meaningful glances, I can certainly see where her fear could be coming from. There are many overweight folks who are extremely sensitive and even paranoid - even without outside events - of being watched while eating. Some become nearly agoraphobic as a result.
I belong to the don't say it group, but if you are determined I wouldn't approach her about her weight, but about her health.
" I'm really worried about your health. You are so important to me, I can't imagine my life without you, and it makes me sad to see you struggle with your health. Is there anything I can do to be supportive and help you be healthier?"
I don't know if this would work, but if she has internet capability, why not encourage her to read a few of the OMG posts here (not to encourage her to join, just to laugh or be introspective with you) and maybe she will decide to join up herself and be encouraged my others.
the best you can do is be a good example and an inspiration. tons of people have told me to lose weight, that never worked. what really works is seeing other people in my situation have success. im sure you are starting to motivate her just doing what you are doing already.
I think you all are confused on what I was asking. Not I am going to tell her she is fat. My question is how do I help her, what can I do to motivate her. She already knows she is fat, she joined a group with me and 2 other people to lose weight as a team. She promised the group she would lose 10lbs in 10 weeks. The 10 weeks will be up on March 18 and she has gained weight in that time. I have asked her if she is still on board to do this and she says, the weigh in is not till March 18 I can just diet that week and take it off.
My question was more like how do I motivate her to get up and do something, what can I show her that would be helpful. Please understand she is like a sister to me and I am not willing to just walk up and say you are fat. I want to show her that it is easier than she thinks, that she does not have to kill herself in a gym everyday or never eat out.
BTW if someone would have told me I need to change things I would not have been happy but I would have known that they must care about me enough to see me live longer. My daughter who was 203 in Nov was told by me that she needs to change things, she needs to learn to be healthy before she gets out on her own. I never made it about weight but about the things she wants in her life. She is now 179 and works out 3 times a week without anyone telling her she has to. You have to put a spark in people by letting them know the joys that come from being healthy. If not by talking to them then by your actions.
I have not been able to chat with her yet, but I have invited her to go on a walk with me this weekend. She said she was busy.
My question was more like how do I motivate her to get up and do something, what can I show her that would be helpful. Please understand she is like a sister to me and I am not willing to just walk up and say you are fat. I want to show her that it is easier than she thinks, that she does not have to kill herself in a gym everyday or never eat out.
Bottom line is you can't and you won't if she isn't ready. No one can do that for her.
I don't think anyone here misread and thought you'd walk up to her and say, 'You are fat.' But there are more ways of telling someone that they are fat. It's more complicated than that. It seems by the reactions she's given you that she already feels judged, knows you think she's fat and should remedy it.
Just keep doing your thing for you, actions speak louder than words, right?
It doesn't matter how you go about it or how great your intentions are - if she's not ready, she's not ready. From what she says, she's not ready. From what she does, she's not ready. Perhaps she'll lose the weight that last week and see it's not so bad. Perhaps she'll see everyone's great losses and find inspiration. She has to do it on her own.
My best friend is like a sister as well. We've been together for over half our lives now and know each other better than our husbands do. She needs to lose weight too - and she might someday. I do know I'd be overstepping what very little boundaries we have if I tried to 'inspire' her.
That's great you could help your daughter - but she's your daughter and she was obviously ready to listen. A friend who is not ready to listen is an entirely different matter, no matter how close you are. A mother/daughter relationship is very different from a peer relationship - it's acceptable to offer advice to a daughter, it's not acceptable to push it on a friend. The dynamics are so different.
I think that's what most people are trying to say - it's unacceptable no matter how you go about it, no matter how true your intentions are. It's insensitive and counterproductive to continue pushing. You put your relationship at risk - no matter how close you are now. Is it worth that? Every relationship has lines that should not be crossed and this is a good example.
I get really excited about my weight loss. I've lost nearly 50% of myself and want to start an evangelical church of health. Just scream about how freaking great it is from my pulpit! I want everyone I know to feel as good as I do, I am unstoppable. I keep pretty quiet about it though - most people aren't ready to hear it. I wasn't before I found it for myself.
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I have invited her to go on a walk with me this weekend. She said she was busy.
She very might well be busy. But I suspect you'll hear that line more and more often in reply to all invitations if you try to push her into something she's not ready to do.
I guess from my perspective and the way I am seeing things, she is being treated a bit like a child. No one wants to be told "you need to lose weight" which is the topic of the thread. It isn't about tough love here as that will probably push her away from you. What works for you, doesn't always work for other people, even if they are close friends or family. I'm sure the last thing you want is for her to push you away and that can happen with a conversation like this.
A few thoughts:
- Maybe the group system doesn't work for her. I know it doesn't work for me. If I promise to lose weight in a certain amount of time to a group of people, well that is going to equal disaster. It isn't entirely about "weight loss" it is about regaining your health. There are such a wide range of options for people and quite a few of them do not force people into a group situation. Think of it this way. She promises a group of people to loose a certain amount of weight, but you say she gained. Perhaps she felt under pressure or felt ashamed, whatever it is I'm sure you'll agree it is negative. To me when someone says "the weigh in is not until March and I can just diet then and take off the weight" says that she isn't keen on this group system or changing her life syle. That is what I think.
- I don't think anyone thought you were going to tell her she is "fat" but you did say you wanted to have a heart to heart with her about her weight. Instead of "tough love" why not find out what the core issues are with her? Forget motivating her to lose weight by a certain date. Why not just talk with her and support her? Why does she treat herself this way? Does she want to diet or change her lifestyle? Does she want to fixate on weight loss or making small changes in her life to better herself?
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I know you want to help her and save her and clearly you do love her and view her as a sister. I do think you are being too fixated on solving her issues and solving them in your way. The group dieting is not working for her. To be honest, it probably is making her situation even more negative. Dieting isn't working for her either, clearly. You say she is starting to shut you out, she also is not coming over to your house, these are HUGE red flags that you are doing things to push her away.
I mean I'm a vegan/raw food girl. I eat at places that serve meat, dairy, cooked, and uncooked foods. I have no issues going to any place because I always bring something good to share with everyone. I also want to see the people, so it isn't about food. That is now. Way back when I was 340+ pounds I sometimes avoided situations because of food. Because of things that made me feel ASHAMED.
There are so many signals here about what is going on. She is going to keep pushing you away if you keep pushing her to lose weight. The WORST thing you can do is confront her about HER life. It isn't about you, it is about her is my point.
You can either leave her alone or you can approach her with perhaps a peaceful attitude and tell her you love her and you are here for her. That you miss her and would love to get together. That is a start to working toward something positive. Baby steps.
Just from this thread alone. Everyone is saying the same thing and you say you will have a talk with her no matter what anyone says lol. If you want some tough love then here it is. You need to sit still and listen. Really listen.
I have no doubt that you love her and I think you're a wonderful person who truly cares. However, you can not tell people what to do. She is your friend, not your daughter.
Hey! Thanks for clarifying what you really meant, eviemc.
From what you've described to me about her actions, it sounds to me as though she is really sensitive right now to any sort of gesture that seems like pushing to her. So, it will be very hard, I think, to come up with a message that won't get her even more stubborn.
Just keep inviting her for walks, to come over for dinner, etc. In other words, be her friend and keep the door open. She may come around, or she may not.
I don't know whether you ever see Biggest Loser, but recently a pair of friends were contestants on the show, and they just ruined their friendship as a result. So, you have to decide whether you would be better off losing that friendship before pressing this issue.
I know you say she's like a sister, but even in families, people sometimes end up not talking to each other over issues.
I also want to add that your friend probably senses your attitude toward her without your saying anything directly. If I were in your position, I'd try to steer away from the topic altogether for awhile.
I guess my biggest issue is that if she was not ready why did she want to join our team, she knew that she had to lose 10 lbs in 10 weeks (not much for her). She is letting our team down. I guess I will have to figure this out with the rest of the team.Thanks
JayEll - yes I saw that, I love the Biggest Loser, but I think maybe they did not have a good relationship to begin with. We have always been open and she asked to be on our Scaleback team. So I agreed but told her there are 3 other people counting on you. Everyone on our team has lost weight. Even if she was trying and did not lose I would be ok with that but she came to the weigh in with a box of fries and a box of chicken fingers. It is almost like she dares me to say something. Should I just look the other way? The last time I was mad, but I nicely asked "Are you still going to be participating with us?" She says "The final weigh in is not til March 18th, I can just take off water weight that week" So I said "If you are ok with that then I guess you can try it"
My personal issues aside, all I can do is like you said keep the door and line of communication open. I just feel that she is starting to get depressed about her daughter leaving, she is the only person that she has cared for.
midwife- it has been fun, 3 of us have walked together and swapped recipes. She just has pulled herself away from the group. We have not put any pressure on it is just a commentment to try. She has never joined us on anything and we have tried to get her involved. I think she regrets that she signed up. I signed up after losing 16 lbs so I have only lost 6 more but I am happy with that. For me it was just a chance to get together and do something different.
