How do you forgive yourself?
 

When you fall off the wagon, so to speak, how do you stay encouraged when you just feel frustrated? What do you tell yourself to keep going? Do you have any particular sayings or quotes that you remind yourself of? What works for you. It's so hard to not let one mistake derail your whole plan. :(

"Oh, well". Seriously. That's what I say. But I'm particularly fond of what Kaplods says - if you trip on the top step, do you throw yourself down the rest, or do you stand up, get your balance, and keep going in an orderly manner?

Every bite is a choice is another good one.

I've been trying the whole "tomorrow is another day" mantra. Just wondering what works for others.

I look at it like this - what are my options?

1. Forgive myself
2. Don't forgive myself - what is that going to accomplish?

An offplan meal is NOT an excuse for me to turn it into an offplan day or weekend, but it's not a disaster either.

After dieting and trying to be perfect for 20 years, I realized that life is messy and complicated. Offplan food DOES and WILL happen. It happens to me and the most successful maintainers on this forum (seriously, read the Maintainer's Forum, it's a lot of "oops, mainlined a piece of cheesecake, gotta get back on track.")

I used to HATE myself if I didn't eat perfectly, I felt like a loser, a weak, no will powered loser. That self hate wasn't productive or healthy and it sure didn't make me more successful at weight loss.

Now, I do THINK about what I did - maybe a coping mechanism to try something different next time but I move past it. I have so many healthy habits in place that I can usually fall right back into healthy eating the next meal opportunity (business trips are the hardest for me, the temptations just don't stop).

After maintaining for nearly 4 years, I can honestly say that single blips did not make me fat. One big meal, one big dessert, one plate of cheese and crackers at work DID NOT MAKE ME FAT. I was heavy because I ate poorly most of the time. Now I eat well most of the time and I am thin.

What Mandalinn says.

It took me a while to get here, but I don't "forgive" myself, because I don't feel that there's anything to forgive. I life my life. Sometimes my life includes food that's bad for me. That doesn't mean I have an excuse to lose control or eat like a pig. It just means I make decisions.

I accept that I CHOOSE to eat everything that goes in my mouth. And in so choosing, I don't have to feel guilt about it. Cause guilt doesn't really help anyone. :)

I dunno. It really is a hard concept to wrap your mind around, but when you get there, it makes this soooo much easier.

>

Originally Posted by carinna:
I've been trying the whole "tomorrow is another day" mantra. Just wondering what works for others.

Not bad, if that works for you, you should definitely go for it. Personally, tomorrow is a LONG time away, I'd prefer to get back on track right away! I could do a lot of damage in a full day :)

well, I have decided to tell myself that it was a bad choice and I enjoyed it and move on.

For me, it's usually "Well, crap, that was a poor choice." And then usually something like a shrug and an "Oh well" and I move on to my next choice.

That's it. Acknowledge, accept, move on. Going to be like this the rest of our lives, can't go making myself absolutely miserable every single time I don't choose the best thing for me.

I used to think any slip was reason to binge because "I blew it anyway," might as well start fresh tomorrow (or if it was a friday or saturday, start fresh on monday).

As PhotoChick said, I don't feel guilty, because there's nothing to feel guilty about. I got fat by poor choices, but feeling guilty has never helped me succeed in the slightest.

By any standards that I used to use, I am not succeeding. The weight is coming off too slowly, I'm not exercising enough, and I make too many mistakes. The "old" me, would have gotten angry with myself, and so frustrated with the "failure," that I would have given up long ago, deciding that I just wasn't strong enough or "good enough" to succeed.

I don't think that way anymore, because it never helped me reach my goals. It took a long time to retrain my mind, but I did it by choosing to remind myself, every time I started to feel food guilt that I am committed to taking the guilt out of eating.

There have been times in my life, during which I had very disordered eating. Eating was bad, and not eating was good. Or, at the very least, I had a list of "good" foods and a list of "bad" foods, and I was good if I ate only the good foods, and bad if I ate even a bite of the bad foods. It got to the point at times, that I'm not sure if I could have felt any greater guilt for killing a person than I was feeling for eating "bad."

The stair analogy has been a good one for me (which is why I use it so often here), because I finally realized that I have a much easier time with change, when I'm not making myself miserable for not changing fast or well enough to suit my own unreasonable expectations.

Oh yes, I can relate. I have struggled with the "all or nothing" thinking. It's hard to go a little "off plan" without REALLY going off plan whole hog. (pun intended)

I remind myself -- this is a marathon not a sprint. What matters is not this moment, but what happens over the long term. I want to be at a healthy weight one year - 5 years - 25 years from now, so what is most important is to get back on plan right now, this moment, and forge ahead.

The other thing I try to do is make every food choice just that ... my choice. I chose consciously to have that Reese's peanut butter cup. Yes, I know it is 230 calories and has an ungodly amount of fat. Yes, I know that puts me 200 calories over my limit for the day. I choose to accept that decision and the consequences of that decision -- it will either slow my weight loss down for the week, or I will have to deduct that 200 calories elsewhere (or burn them off in exercise). It's not a failure --- it's a choice. At that moment in time, I thought it was worth it! I enjoyed it, and now it's time to move on.

I don't even call it a "bad" choice any more, that implies that I sinned and now must repent. I don't think food is good or bad, there are just healthier and less healthy choices, on plan and off plan choices. If I give food THAT much power over me, then I feel out of control. I'm striving to be the one in control, and not the cookie.

The other thing I've learned about myself is that there are foods that trigger binge-tendencies. I believe there is a real physical reaction involved, probably blood-sugar related. I know that if I have simple sugars/carbs without some kind of protein or fiber to balance it, then I will experience an almost uncontrollable urge to dive face first into every bagel and bowl of ice cream that I see. That's not a failure, that's a physical reaction, and the only way to prevent it is to avoid the triggers in the first place. And if you happen to fall into the trap, you just learn from it, and move on.

I hope that my rambling makes sense ...

I agree with the others. I've changed the way I eat and the way I look at food. I had a Twinkie last night. Do I need to forgive myself?

Nope---it was a Twinkie, not manslaughter for crying out loud.

I do NOT need to be perfect to maintain my weightloss. I've lost the perfectionistic attitude. What I do most of the time counts more than the occasional "misstep". So I get right back to making healthy food choices and working my exercise plan.

Originally Posted by carinna:
When you fall off the wagon, so to speak, how do you stay encouraged when you just feel frustrated? What do you tell yourself to keep going? Do you have any particular sayings or quotes that you remind yourself of? What works for you. It's so hard to not let one mistake derail your whole plan. :(

I just have the mindset that I am worth it!

and everyone is worth good health. You just say ok, I did this, so now I'm gonna do extra work to make up for it

Just last night I thought I blew it. I was disappointed in myself, but I knew today would be a better day and rolled over and went to sleep.

I looked at my food log this morning and realized I didn't eat the things that I wrote down. Which meant that bowl of chili I ate last night, did not put me over points for the day. I am so glad I didn't beat myself up last night. It just encourages me more.

Originally Posted by carinna:
When you fall off the wagon, so to speak, how do you stay encouraged when you just feel frustrated? What do you tell yourself to keep going? Do you have any particular sayings or quotes that you remind yourself of? What works for you. It's so hard to not let one mistake derail your whole plan. :(

I do like the quote about the stairs.

I don't stay encouraged. Lots of times, I just have to start again.

I'm heavily into the grand scheme of things. Like ... thinking Christmas is never coming and suddenly I've had 40 some Christmases ... like thinking I'd never be able to go to the bathroom without taking a little one with me. Now my littlest one is 22.

If I had stayed encouraged, I'd've been 125 lbs for over 4 years now. But I am slimmer than I was then. And I've learned sooo much.

You'll never forget what you learned losing the weight you already have. Nothing can take 3FC, or all you've gained here away from you. In 20 years you'll be the sum total of everything you've seen, heard, done ... and if most of the time that's healthier ... you'll be slimmer.

One dinner does not a body ruin ... in the grand scheme of things.

i concur with the "oh, well." i've lost 25 pounds so far and it's taken me over a year! so, lots of "oh wells" and taking the stairs one at a time even if i stumble. never am i hard on myself or do i beat myself up. as long as i have a sense of self-awareness i'm fine, so i try not to lose that. also, i refer to the goal photo album and mini-goals quite a bit if i ever "fall of the wagon" or whatever you want to call it.

First, I ask myself if I really regret it. Because there are pros and cons to every choice. The right choice at a given time is not necessarily the obvious diet choice. I'm not doing penance, and life & happiness can't be saved up for tomorrow.

If I do regret the choice, I think about what I learned from it, so that next time, I don't want to make the same choice (or at least, it gets easier), rather than feeling deprived and forcing myself to knuckle down to something I'm not fully on board with.

Either way, the next thing I say to myself is just to continue on with the next choice.

I love the stairs analogy, for one. And then my usual self-talk goes like this:

I messed up a little just now. I ate something I shouldn't have. But that's in the past, now. There is no way I can go back and un-eat it. It was a step backwards along this path, for sure. But is continuing to step backwards going to get me toward my goal? Hells no. Think of it this way, self - you've already turned 21, 22, and 23 while being overweight and hating it. You can't change that. But you're going to turn 24, 25, 26 and beyond, whether or not you lose the weight. Would you rather look back and say, I was fat until I was 25? 30? You can't change the past - but you can create, right now, the past that you're going to have to look back at in a few years. Don't let one misstep extend this fat-time any longer than you have to.

Originally Posted by midwife:
Nope---it was a Twinkie, not manslaughter for crying out loud.

:rofl: My new mantra?...perhaps!

I am with those who don't feel guilty. Like Mandalinn says, I may say to myself "Oh, well" but that's about it. Life goes on. I am not dieting as strictly as most people here. I am alive only once, and if I want to have a pizza, I will have a pizza. I am trying to limit my "not so good" choices but really, to me it is not about red tag popping up at anything at the grocery store saying "You can't have that", "You can't have that, either", etc. I am in not perfect and quite frankly, I don't try to be. I live my life as best as I can without guilt and shame - they just not part of my "vocabulary". I try to see the bigger picture.

If I eat something I didn't plan for and I feel that "oh well screw it" attitude coming on, I just stop and ask myself, "will another (insert food item) make this situation better, or worse?"

I really just don't get down on myself about going off plan when it happens. I like the stairs analogy as well.

When you are driving down the road, and you make a mistake and drive off the shoulder a bit, what do you do? Hopefully, you bring the car back into the lane and keep driving. You don't drive over the cliff. I think I am like many people with "food issues" in that I frequently use a little swerve as an excuse to drive over the cliff. No guilt with car swerving; no guilt with food swerving. Stop driving over the cliff!

First thing I do when I fall off the wagon, is to look at how I fell. Did I fall by going for the slice of cheesecake as dessert? Or did I fall by sitting in front of the TV with the handful of of potato chips? If it's the cheesecake, then no, I do not feel guilty. It was a choice that I made, and like a previous poster said, I did not get fat because of one dessert. If it's the potato chips, then yes, I do feel guilty because behavior like that IS what got me fat.

I am proud of myself when it happens. Strange but true. I decided to look at as how are you going to handle these situations during maintenance. Someone left us a box of chocolates as a thankyou- the boys opened them and low and behold there were chocolate covered caramels in the box- my favorite. I tried to control myself then decided to eat one- put the box back and then decided what the heck I am going to eat two because I will just go back and eat another later. I started to feel guilty and then I thought "are you going to avoid chocolate covered caramels for the rest of your life?" No that is not realistic. How do you manage it at maintenance? How do "regular people" manage it? I journaled that I ate it, I compensated by cutting back a little bit on other calories during the day (cut out 1 yogurt) and did an extra 30 min on the recumbent bike. So I looked at it as preparation for how I am going to handle the rest of my life.

As someone said to me, "Stop being so mean to yourself."

If it's really serious, I'll "debate" myself. I'll write down the things I'm thinking and then write down an argument for each thing.

When I go off plan I make myself weigh in the next day and that shocks me enough! I do more exercise and fill up on salads and veggies and it soon comes off again but it sure does make me feel bad for a while, especially seeing the scale go up.