So on my 6th day of being OP I have to take my mom to the hospital for chest pains. This wouldn't be the first time she has had to deal with this, she had a stroke in 2001 and has been back and forth through the years and has has several stents put in. They are keeping her overnight and running a bunch of tests on her. So no idea yet what's going on. She is very much overweight and has many health issues due to that. It scares me in so many ways. Of course I don't want to lose my mom, but I really don't want to end up like her either!! She has given up on herself and has never once tried to get healthy after any of her health crisis issues.

Now this is hard for me to explain. In the past I have never really felt the real impact of what this could mean, I guess it's natural to try to hold it together. But this time, I am a mess. I actually feel stuff and I don't like it. I like being in control, contrary to the fact that I have been far from it with my weight. I just realized what is different about this time. I am not shoveling the cookies and cake down my throat like some addict on a binge. Tonight was the first time I had a craving all week, but so far I have fought it. I found myself pacing back and forth to the kitchen looking in the fridge, when I realized that I wasn't even hungry. I was just bored, and lonely, sad and scared. I didn't even want to make my son goto bed, and now I realize why.
It's always been times like these when I scream how unfair life is, and swear the world is out to get me and see me fail. Times like these are when I have given myself an excuse to eat whatever I wanted, and let it carry over to weeks and months of unhealthiness. If I can make it through this time, no matter what happens, I will feel so much stronger, and have more faith that THIS TIME I WILL DO IT!!!

I will have to learn better ways to actually deal with my emotions now. Thanks for all that read this and offer any support. I actually feel much better having gotten that all out. I still think I will allow myself to cry, it's been a long time since I've done that. It will be good for me, maybe even lose some water weight?

I'm also the type that doesn't "feel stuff" usually, and when it hits me, it really throws me. I can understand how you feel about your mom. When my mom had a heart attack, even though I knew she was doing "OK" and it was "mild", all I could do was sit down and cry, and I didn't know how to cope with *me* crying and feeling stuff.

It sounds like you have a good handle on it, and it really does help to just put it out there in black and white. Sometimes the only way through is through, and take care of yourself. I wish all the best.

hey that sounds so hard, I am so impressed and moved by your resolve. If it makes you feel better, i do the pacing back and forth fro the fridge thing too. Then i sit down and think about what i really want, rather than just eating. Do you have a close friend or partner that you can talk to? Im REALLY not a person that talks out their problems to feel better, but i know that when i do it really helps. So im being hypocritcal and recommending that you do.

its ok to cry. Stay strong, you can do it

I completely understand how you feel. When you take away the thing you used to fill yourself with to stop the emotion (food, drugs, people, etc), suddenly you have to deal with all the things you'd been pushing away. It's so hard... but you can make it through it. I know you can! And this time, since you're not self-medicating, you'll find healthier ways to deal with the emotions. From that point on, it'll get a little easier when the emotions surface.

I've found writing it out -- whether it's a real letter or a journal, or even a scrap of paper no one will ever see -- makes it easier for me. Like once those things are written down, they're released from yourself. I think crying is good too. Sometimes you need a good long cry, and then a good long shower (or bath). Let the water out, then let it wash over you.

I applaud you for not giving in to the refrigerator encounter! It takes strength, and you have it! My thoughts are with you!!

p.s. I love your avatar!! I'm re-reading all the books now, before I start the 4th Books are also a good thing to replace the "pace of the fridge" with

yes books are wonderful for that as is browsing 3FC compulsively!

It's so interesting to really see how I did use food to 'cope' even though I didn't think I did. There is nothing quite like following a plan and being conscious of food to show that! I discovered that certain kinds of stress tend to send my feet to the cupboard--financial stress, conflict with SO are two of the big ones. I guess I just want that sugar high to get me out of whatever place I'm in.

Of course, it doesn't really help. Not even short term! Just makes me gain.

Hang in there! You'll see that you can survive feeling afraid or upset without having to eat over it! Good for you for realizing this!

Jay

I so sympathize with using food to keep from dealing with emotions. The more experienced you are with the emotions, the better you'll be able to handle them when they come up in the future. It's a "oh, I've felt this before and I know I can survive it" sort of thing. I still struggle sometimes to deal with how I'm feeling, but I suppose everybody does that because life can be difficult for everyone at some time.

You're dealing with a scary, difficult thing. Why wouldn't you be a mess? Plus, if you're like me, you're dealing not just with the emotions that are coming up from what you're currently going through but emotions from previous things that you never dealt with.

I used to think that emotions were something that didn't exist if you could find a way to not feel them. Not so, at least for me. They sort of piled up somewhere inside of me and hung around, stinking up the place and waiting to be acknowledged. When I started allowing myself to feel, all of these emotions would come up that were so much more than the situation. I've had to pause and figure out why I'm feeling so strongly and what happened before that I might be feeling the emotion for now. I find it's easier in the long run to just go ahead and feel the emotion at the time, or soon after if I have to clap down because I'm in an inappropriate setting.

I'm a believer in a good cry. It's a natural thing. I read an article once about how crying releases certain hormones that improve your health. I can't remember where I read it, sorry.

I use a journal, too, and that makes me feel better. It's a good place to write and feel about things that happened before, too.

Or sometimes I'll talk out what I'm feeling, even if I'm alone. Weird, maybe, but saying it out loud somehow makes a difference. And I might even carry it to extremes to get out how I'm feeling and the worst possible outcome. "And then I'll be so stressed out I can't sleep and I'll lose my job and won't be able to find another one and I'll have to eat garbage out of a dumpster and all of my teeth and hair will fall out and I'll try to get a dog to protect me but it won't like me and it will bite me and the bite will get infected and my leg will swell up and I'll have to cut it off because I can't afford a doctor only I won't have a knife and will have to steal a saw from a construction yard and I'll fall into a pit while I'm there and the scaffold will fall on me and I'll DIE."

Thank you. Yeah it did help some. Felt like some of the darkness stewing in the pit of my stomach eased up a bit.

Thank you. I am proud to say I ended up eating something good for me instead of blowing the whole day. I made some tuna w/light mayo and put it on a 100cal mulitigrain wrap with some ff cheese, lettuce and 2pickle spears. It was still comforting but not enough to send me into the food coma I am use to. I never did get that cry out, I guess it will come at some point.

Thank you, Naia. I have always said that for me, when I write things down, it's like a purging of the soul. Sadly I haven't done any writing in so long it would probably take a novel to feel some true relief. I am just really glad I had 3FC's in my life when this happened or I may have easily fell off the wagon, or fridge as is the case with me. Even as much as I love my Twilight books, I was not compelled to escape to Forks and hide behind Edward. I think because it was just a reminder of how lonely I was feeling at the time. I am usually very content and enjoy my time alone, so it was strange when I didn't want to do the things I normally do. BTW, I've read about some of your struggles and I just wanted to reiderate what so many others have said, you are a beautiful woman that deserves to be treated like a Princess. Please, don't ever settle for less. Also, I think what you said was beautiful, "Let the water out, then let it wash over you." I may do that soon.

Thank you, it's taken me long enough. I mean I have always known that I eat when I am stressed, but I also eat when I am happy, sad, mad, sick or any other reason. No more excuses for me though, I just can't afford them.

OMG Thank you so much for that. I really needed a good laugh. Sadly though,as rediculous as that all sounds, we are all guilty of pulling the whole mountian down on top of us at times. I am at the point of trying to not think about anything negative. Still no real info on my mom. They are keeping her for stress tests and with the holiday she will probably be in there until at least Tuesday. So far today I have managed to stay OP, but I promised my son I would take him to Wendys for some FF's. After looking up some of the cals. for items I might want, I think I will do the Drive-thru and avoid the temptation of ordering anything for myself.

Thanks again to everyone for their kind words and support. It really has helped and been appreciated.