I wake in the morning with the best of intentions. At 5:30 I meet some neighbors to walk four miles. This is my most recent effort to be healthy, but food will be an uncontrollable obsession all day long. I will crave, think about eating, think about how I will get and secretly eat a variety of binge foods without anyone noticing. I will think about food and be angry at myself for wanting chips or cookies so badly. I will tell myself at least twenty times today that I have to stop. I'll list the reasons why in my head over and over. I'll imagine myself thin and happy, I'll develop a new eating plan, buy/read a diet book or magazine, read a weight loss website and make a series of new promises to myself. Still, I'll buy the food. Still, I'll binge on it every day. In the car, hidden in my work bag or a kitchen cabinet, I will sneak the food. I don't want to share. I don't want anyone to see me eat it either. My husband is baffled by my progressive weight gain, because I eat so little at meals and he rarely sees me snack.
On a good day, I'll drive to work and make it through the work day without a secret stash, but on many days I am popping junk into my mouth as I drive to work and picking at it throughout the day - hidden behind my desk. On my way home I stop at fast food or a store to pick up contraban. I binge and even park the car to prolong my eating time. I sneak some of it into the house and have bites when no one is looking. This continues until bed time. While I am binging and sneaking food I often read articles and books or watch shows about weight loss. How warped is that?
I'm short-tempered and impatient with my boys, my husband and my colleagues. I'm frustrated by how lousy I feel all the time and at my lack of ability to do anything about it. I am angry at Jenny, Nutrisystem, LA, Weight Watchers, Micheal Thurmand and every exercise program and diet book that has let me down. But I know, in my heart, that they are just my scapegoats. I know that I could lose weight and probably be enviably healthy if I could conquer my issues with food. I am one of the lucky ones. I was never abused as a child - I had a great childhood. I've never had to endure an unsually tragic event. I do not come from a family with a weight problem and I waws fortunate enough to be thin for most of my life - this has only become a problem over the past 8 years and the problem has grown every day. Even now, I am not considered obese. I'm about 40 lbs overweight and completely out of control. So there are no excuses, no real reasons why I continually drug myself with food to the degree that my brain is foggy, I can't concentrate and I am SO EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME. I am rarely productive and frequently I fall asleep for the night by 7:30-8:00. My life is suffering. And for no good reason. I cannot live my potential this way. Food takes up what time and energy I have. When I try to stop, I am so upset. I am scared to stop, but I don't know what I think will happen. When I do stop binging it is always temporary - until the first bit of stress or negative feelings crop up. The idea that I'll never stop also terrifies me, but it's more distant. There are so many reasons to stop.
The wife, mother, professional and friend that I am are all sacrificed and sub-par. I can't give my best due to this preossupation and exhaustion. I don't want to see people - I'd rather be holed up with a box of Oreos wearing sweats. Warm weather secretly terrifies me - swimming, barbeques, which I used to love, all mean finding clothes and being in front of people. I try not to care, but I do. It's sad, because my children deserve a mother who can focus on them. My husband - an incredible man - deserves a wife who wants to have sex. I don't for a variety of reasons - weak desire, exhaustion, body issues. I used to love sex. I don't even want to sit in my own front yard because it involves finding presentable clothing.
I used to be pretty - now I'm fat. I used to be fun - now I'm practically a hermit. Changing would be the best and scariest thing I've ever done.
You are on the brink of breaking an addiction. That's why it's so scary for you. Your secret food has become your only friend, just as with an alcoholic the secret bottle is the only friend. How can you live without your friend, which you have trusted so long to help you get through life?
The trouble is, your friend is killing you. Slowly for now, maybe more quickly later.
I have a couple of suggestions. One is that you look into Overeaters Anonymous. We have a subforum here for that program--it's over in Chicks In Control, which is another forum you may find helpful:
You can also find real-world meetings of OA in many towns.
Second, perhaps it would be good to find a counselor who specializes in eating issues. You can change your behavior, but it may not be easy. Still, others have done it successfully, and you can, too.
The reason you are exhausted all the time is because you are eating crap foods. I will absolutely take any bet that you are not pigging out on celery or carrot sticks.
I haven't had too much trouble with secret eating, although for awhile I was on the verge of it. Drive-thru, eat in the car, dispose of the evidence--things like that. My final suggestion is--no more secret eating. Make it a rule for yourself that if you want to eat something, you'll do it in "public" where everyone who's around can see you. You won't wait until everyone leaves the house, until you're alone in the office, alone in the car.
Because, the fact is, you're not hiding anything. It's showing up on your body and in how you feel and behave. Let your husband see you snack. Make it a rule that you do not eat in the car. Have your foods right out in plain sight.
I applaud your honesty and courage to post your story for all of us to read. Have you considered counseling? Maybe a therapist could help you sort out some of this stuff. I guess it is a "no-brainer" to say that you sound depressed. You sound like a smart gal and I believe you can find a solution.
:hugs:
That sounded so painful for you to write. I think Jay said it correctly that you are on the brink of getting on the right path.
Start journaling every bite you eat - all the sneaked food and the food eaten in plain site. Be accountable for that food to everyone.
Admitting it is the first step - now be brave and take the second.
I would also suggest OA here on the boards and locally. Go to as many meetings as you can find to help you out.
First, I have dealt and still do deal with your issue. It seems to come in cycles for me, particularly when I've been around my husband, who I am ashamed to eat in front of (even normally... It's weird!).
I think JayEll's advice of not sneaking anymore is great, and I'm actually going to pirate it for myself!
I know in the past, I have been able to break the cycle by just being good for one entire day, no exceptions. Once, I had to for a blood test, and then I was able to keep it up. Congrats on those good days. Focus on how much better you feel after one of them and project how great you'll feel after two! And it's great that you're doing those long walks in the morning. I know first hand how much motivation it takes to get up early and exercise. You're definitely strong. Have faith in yourself.
I don't know if it applies to you, but for me, I know there's something strange related to guilt that makes me obsess and want to hide eating; thus, it's always on my mind, which in turn makes me want to do it more.
Best of luck to you and I do know exactly what you're going through.
I'm so proud of you for posting today! I know that it is difficult to address these issues, but identifying them is the first step in fixing them. I second the recommendation for the Chicks in Control forum, and for counseling. You do not have to travel this journey alone.
Food addiction is complex. There are varying degrees and what works for some folks doesn't work for others. I deal with it by keeping chips/chocolate, etc. out of my home altogether. But they're not "forbidden". I can have them, but if I want them, I need to make the extra effort of going to the store and buying just a single serving. Once the "forbidden" was taken away, but I had to make extra effort to get them (I'd walk to the store if possible), I found I didn't want them as much. But I live alone, so I don't know how workable that is for you.
Likewise, I used to live on take out/fast food. I allow myself to have one meal like that per week. For me personally, if I know I can enjoy it once a week, I don't feel deprived (which can trigger binges for me). And it really curbs the fast food cravings. If I only get one meal like that a week, I tend to want to save it for a restaurant or something tastier than McDonald's, etc.
Do you use food as a treat? If I had to work late/come in early, I'd "reward" myself with bacon & cheese on a roll for breakfast, instead of fat free yogurt & a bannana (my usual breakfast). Now, I'll reward myself with fresh cut fruit or skim oatmeal with fresh fruit (bought from the store) vs. bringing my breakfast from home. I still get that "reward" feeling, but at far less calories & a better nutritional value. Substitute non-food rewards (buy some music or a book or take a nap or bubble bath) for food rewards. When people are busy (as I'm sure you are as a mom), they tend to reward themselves to compensate for the lost leisure time. Keep the rewards, just make them something you'll enjoy more.
Don't know if any of this helps, but that's how I've coped with it. Also, make sure you're eating enough healthy foods. I find if I cut too far back on calories, I'm hungry, which sets me up for a binge.
I could have written that. You are NOT alone; there are many, many of us who have lived (and are living) exactly what you wrote. I struggle with the same issues you describe EVERY DAY.
Come over to the Chicks in Control forum. Start your journey to health TODAY, right this minute. You CAN do this! You deserve to treat yourself better and you deserve to break out of the vicious cycle you are in.
I am not sure if I have advice for you because my problems are different, but your post indicates that you are very unhappy with yourself so I just wanted to send you a . I don't have to sneak food in or hide it as I live alone, but mainly, if I exercise, that gives me the ammo to fight the binging. For example,
yesterday, I had a real craving for potato chips that simply would not go away, so I decided to simply get a small bag from the vending machine but I agonized over the amount of calories in it (210). I was telling myself, this is awful, I spend 45 minutes on the treadmill and I burn maybe 350 calories (I usually don't check calories, but I keep track of miles) and then I eat half of that in stupid potato chips? I did have them anyway, but that's like one or two items in a week that I should not have. So I don't know what to suggest, would you perhaps consider counseling? There must be some way to break the habit. Have you watched the Paul McKenna's program ("I can make you thin"). I believe it is available as a book, too.
My best wishes to you and I hope sharing your frustrations on the forum with us will help you make better choices. One more !
Wow! You've all overwhelmed me with your support and understanding! I was kind of nervous after I posted that, but now I'm glad, because I do feel like it was the first step in moving forward.
A few of you suggested chicks in control and some counseling. I will definitely be checking out the sub-forum and I had found an OA website where people can sponsor each other - maybe that can count as a counseling of sorts.
JayEll - You are absolutely right - I have never binged on celery, carrot sticks or any type of greenery! And you made a lot of other valid points that made me feel well understood, thanks!
twentysixpoint2 - Thanks for relating to me. Not sneaking would be the best rule - I've tried before, but that was then and this is now. Yes there is some kind of strange guilt thing or something that I can't quite identify that is behind the eating. I think that journaling (food and thoughts) might be a good way for me to discover what it is - maybe you too. It felt good to get my feelings down in writing.
nylisa - "Eating to make up for lost leisure time" I could definitely fall into that category, but now I think that I also eat to cope with emotions and that seems to be the primary issue. Not having the food at home helps a lot, but the disturbing part is that I end up spending a lot of time strategizing to get out of the house and get the bad food without anyone knowing about it. This is how I know I'd better get busy and do something about this. If it's true that crazy people never think about whether or not they are crazy, then there is hope for me, because I know that something is wrong with this picture. Thank you for your advice!
and to Tomato, Tyler Durden, midwife, fiberlover and gailr42 - Thank you for your kinds words of support and encouragement. They mean more to me than you probably know right now.
Awww Girlie... The pain that I hear in your words...I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this. I can relate on all sorts of levels...there is no one answer and unfortunately you are going to have to sort through all the advice, tools, and suggestions to find the ones that will actually work for you... Lately I have been having huge compulsions for buying junk...and failing at fighting them... I am struggling too...I think alot of us are...you are never alone...
On the brink
