My family is great, only my mother ever comments about weight, and she tries to do so in a supportive way. I once told her that she only complimented me in relation to weight (for instance, "that dress is very slimming" rather than "you look great in that dress") and she heard it and changed.
The funny thing is that I notice they tease each other about weight (my brothers are constantly gaining or losing about 15 pounds.) They joke that the other has "dunlops" disease (your stomach dun lop over your belt). The fact that I am fat means that I am excluded from the teasing. I don't mind missing the teasing (they find plenty else) but in some ways it makes me feel excluded and accentuates my "difference" in my own eyes.
I've also noticed that while we are obviously very sensitive about weight and eating comments, the same folks who make them are equal opportunity insulters. They tell tall women that it is unfortunate that no man will ever find them attractive, they comment on baldness, they comment on looks and brains and everything else. (Oprah once said that when she lost all her weight someone stopped her and said, good, now you should do something about your face)
Negative, nasty people are just that. Losing weight won't change them, it will just change the focus of their comments.
my uncle is always doing it....
always saying things like thunder thighs....
and that makes ur arse look fat....
and u shud have bought a size smaller and worked at getting into them....
it infuriates me to the point i walk away....
That sounds a lot like my dad. I wonder why some people just don't understand why things like that are hurtful.
The poem may sound a bit bitter at first, but I think there's an underlying kindness and forgiveness and gentle irony that I (want to?) detect in Larkin in general.
I'm inclined to agree with what you said, but I also sense a kind of sad resolve in those lines - that this is human nature, what can you do?
"Man hands on misery to man/It deepens like a coastal shelf..."
That's just my reading of it though. And I'm certainly no expert.
Im an american living in england with my hubby.. anyhow, last year i flew home to visit my family and this happened lol
my grandmother ( who is 87 and has dementia) was sitting across from me and kept staring at me.. i have gained loads since she saw me last .. anyhow, out of the blue she says ' i only weigh 130lbs'... rotflmao... bless her heart.. she wasnt tryin to be mean i dont think.. but in her demented mind she knew i had gotten bigger and wasnt sure what or how to say anything.... i just said ' good for you grandma, you look great' ... i think that was the Nicest 'mean' comment ever received lol...
I see my mom sometimes every week, sometimes once or twice a month. The last three times I've seen her she's told me how much my hard work is showing. I really like the way she puts it. She makes it about what I'm doing, not about the fat. And she doesn't make a big deal about it in front of people (which I wouldn't mind a *little* bit of ), she just makes sure I know she notices. It really encourages me.
every now and then people will say things, but never singled me out because my entire family is over 200lbs, some over 300lbs.
they say things when i lose weight, positive things.
the only weird thing i got once was my grandmother, when she learned about me going into treatment for my eating disorder was to suggest i not get it treated and saying, well, if she is losing weight on it...
I once had a male friend tell me that the reason why some of the guys I date treat me like crap is because I'm overweight and they feel like they can get away with it. Sometimes I wonder if that's the case...but other times I realize that some guys are just jerks no matter who they're dating...and whatever "issues" they have may not have ANYTHING to do with me...
And my favorite: I love when people tell you to "just do sit ups" to get rid of your belly. Yeaaaaah.
Last edited by grneyedmustang; 06-29-2008 at 07:16 PM.
My mother. I don't even know where to begin about her. She drinks heavily and allows her loosened tongue to make extremely hurtful remarks about anything about me she can think of, and if she's lazy she'll pull out her standby terms such as "fat *** b***h" etc. It's pretty unreal when it happens- I just end up feeling crappy and shocked and unable to say anything hurtful in return because she's so blazed that it'll never sink in. The worst part is that the next day, after she's slept it off, she'll forget about everything she said the night before. I just graduated from school, and I was so close to disinviting her and then I just ended up on the phone with her a few days before graduation and she told me if i didn't lose my weight and look better, I'm out of her will. I don't know how much of it is hot air but with her i wouldnt be surprised if she really did take me out of it. I am trying to use it as positive fuel because my family does indeed have an extensive history of diabetes, hypertension and other obesity-related disease. I mean, I do need to lose weight ( I am at around 250 right now) and I've yoyoed my entire life. I want to do this so badly, but for the right reasons; not because my mom or anyone else wants me to. So yeah, this time around I am trying to put blinders on and just do it for me
'Rachel, you are gorgeous... I never noticed just how beautiful you are... I can't help but thinking about how pretty you really are.... and you should know this, I don't know how you dont know this... if you just lost weight, you'd be so happy, I think you've forgotten how to be happy. I mean really, you are beautiful... if you could just start eating right and exercising.. you'd see it too."
And yes.. that was all in one rant
My favorite was this... my dad... good old dad
'It looks like you're losing some @ss... that's great... see if you were thin- you could have any guy you wanted and wouldn't have to worry about finishing school, or taking care of your son- they'd all be willing to take you."
I mean WTF!!!!!!!!!! lol Gotta love'm... lol And he's FAT lol
haha.. yes, I know how that goes! My dad used to say stuff like that to me a lot! Except it sometimes felt like he was pressuring me. Saying "So, have you been eating healthy? have you been working out lately?" and he would just make the whole conversation awkward and I felt like I must be getting fatter by the minute cuz he kept saying that to me!
luckily, i have an amazing mother and a very sweet boyfriend that they would never say a word about my weight, unless i ask for their opinions.
But, my youngest aunt (from my mom's side) - was, is , and will always be the only one in the family say ANYTHING about my weight. EVERY week i have to meet her once, and EVERYTIME, she'll say "oh, are you gaining weight? you're fat enough!!" (???) since when i was 10, and till now.
oh, and my cousin's wife too. She won't say i'm fat, but she'll say "you'll never be able to slim down after you have children. You're pear shape and it's just the way it is. And besides, you're big enough so be careful when eating" (???).
yeah, i really have to put ??? because I dont even know what they want me to be. I can't shorten my height and become a petite with like, 1m55 and 45 kg like my aunt's daughter. And They said like, everyone from 50+ kg is fat !!! I just can't believe them. At least, after 20 years of thinking that idea, now I finally can see the truth
I mean, I do need to lose weight ( I am at around 250 right now) and I've yoyoed my entire life. I want to do this so badly, but for the right reasons; not because my mom or anyone else wants me to. So yeah, this time around I am trying to put blinders on and just do it for me
{{{brownsugah}}} I'm so sorry for the family situation you described. Sometimes family members are too sick to help us, but we can find ways to move on and heal and be healthy. Don't hesitate to find people who can help you too. There are some great support groups and things out there.
And I'm certainly no expert.
), she just makes sure I know she notices. It really encourages me.
