Never felt ugly before......
 

So here is the deal....this morning my boss pulls me into her office and says she needs to talk to me but "it's nothing bad...." I was like ooooookk........anyhow. She tells me she heard a coworker of mine making comments abou my "body odor" i was like uh "what?" I have never heard any of my co workers make a comment about that, in fact several of them tell me I smell good alot of the time because I use good shampoo, soap and lotion. I like to smell good. I am careful about my feet because they tend to sweat as do many peoples......so then .....she brings up the fact that she is a little heavy herself so she knows how hard it can be. I was thinking "uh excuse me....what business is this of yours?" she proceeds to say "while we are on the subject......I am worried about your weight." keep in mind that I pretty much despised this woman before and now she is telling my this crap. She continues on for about 10 minutes talking about how they are going to start a weight watchers club at work and I should join blah blah blah.....you know ..........It just made me feel like crap. I have alot of friends at work and they would tell me if I had BO and we are working together to lose weight together, and I really felt singled out and like she had no right at all to bring up my weight. I think I know the person who may have made the BO comment....because she was mad at me but seriously......I didn't even know what to say.....I have never felt ugly before.....now I sure do. Just had to get this off my chest.

Wow, that actually sounds like something that you could bring up with HR. There is no reason at all for your boss to mention either thing to you, unless your BO REALLY offended someone to the point they couldn't work with you (but you said that you think there is another reason behind this). I would go to HR and talk to someone about this if I were you!

Awww GABI...(((HUG)))

What a terrible way to start the week!

Just a question: is it possible that the coworker is reacting to the fragrance of one of your perfumes or lotions, and this just got misinterpreted/overheard as "body odor"? I know there are a few popular perfumes on the market that, literally, make me gag. I wouldn't describe it as a BO smell, exactly, but its so sickly and cloyingly sweet that it comes close. And often I'm the only person in the room who even notices the smell, let alone has a physical reaction to it.

As for the weight comment, your boss had no right to single you out, even if in private. She should have just printed up a flier or sent around an e-mail to everyone notifying them of the new WW support group, and left it at that.

I would go to your HR dept.

We once had a Consultant who asked me if I didn't think that my recurring sinus infections didn't have to due with all the weight I'd gained since I started working here. Umm, no I don't, and at that time I'd lost 20 pounds and was the smallest since I started this job.

Some people are just idiots, they can't help themselves, but being that she's your boss, she's completely out of line. :hug:

I agree with the perfumes too. If she doesn't care for you she may have put a spin on it. I'm sorry about this though, but also agree you should go to HR and just tell them that you felt very uncomfortable with what she was saying and didn't feel like it needed to be said.

Hey gabi! So sorry about what happened... what a lousy way to start a work week. :(

If you have an HR department, it might be good to talk with someone there, as other posters have indicated. But I would also be careful not to do it when you're feeling angry. Settle down a bit first so you can discuss the situation rationally.

Perhaps you could use your anger at this interaction to fuel your own desire to lose weight?

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Jay

Oh, Gabi...I'm sorry that your day started out so rough.:hug: Your boss was out of line to even have this discussion with you based upon "overhearing" something. Unless she had a formal complaint and was ready to write you up and have you sign something, she had no right to say anything at all. And, bringing up your weight is not allowed. There are laws against weight discrimination. I would, however, caution you about going to H.R. These issues are very very difficult to address unless you have an unbiased third party that heard everything she said. Since she didn't ask you to sign anything, this is one of those situations where it would be your word against hers. This whole situtation can come back to bite you...hard. If you really need this job you might want to just lay low for a while and, maybe, find something else or post out of her department.

I don't think that's something your boss should bring up, but I wouldn't be the type to report it to HR (because I'm just not into the make-it-very-apparent-that-I'm-offended type even if it is improper. To me, she has some sort of GOOD intention along with it, I don't think she was trying to be mean or offend you, so its FAR from harrassment. Of course, this is only my view and I know many would disagree with me and I will not argue.) I do however, know that ONE of my friends, who is a big girl, and has quite some BO, doesn;t know this because her friends, including I, will not do anything to hurt her feelings. Here, as a friend, I would wonder between the lines of being truthful or just trying NOT to hurt my friend's feelings- should I tell her that everyone thinks she smells? I mean, she already knows she's a pretty big girl (the biggest one in our friend group). Do YOU think I should tell her or not? I would like some advice too, because I'm puzzled as to HOW to be a good friend and keep secrets that go around from her. I don;t like to start drama, but I know I would like to know if I did smell.

gabi hon. u arent ugly what ever comment they had towards u dont let that bring u down.... iv been in that situation and iv been fragile when ppl used to comment on how fat i was and how ugly i always felt im an outsider between my friends and that made me just eat more but what made my life flip and i lost more than 50 kgs was when my bf for 7 yrs left me for slimy girl from the internet she actaully saw me and always used to compare her body to mine and how faboulos she was ... u know that made me change my life i was an ugly ducking now i swear where ever i travel where ever i go ppl comment abt how pretty i look even if i was abit over weight ... his words made me push my self to loss it and i swear now he bits his fingers to get back to me ....


u are beatiful inside out and beleive in that

I actually had this happen to me. I had gotten an infection in my armpit from an ingrown hair, and deodorant was aggravating the infection, so I couldn't use deoderant in the one arm pit, I was working in a youth home, and it was the height of summer, so we would often play outside with the kids (ya think we sometimes might have had a little BO?). My supervisor drew me asside, and I had to explain the situation to her. She actually said, I should have come and informed her. My jaw dropped and I asked her if she really expected me to come in and say to her or coworkers, 'excuse me, but I may stink for the few couple days, because I have an infection in my arm pit, and can't use deodorant until it clears up?'" I told her that personal information had a right to remain personal information, and that if I had never "stunk before" it should have been assumed that this was a temporary condition, not a hygeine issue. I asked her if she really wanted a list of my coworkers whose odors had ever offended me, starting with all of the smokers (I am physically allergic to cigarette smoke).

Years later, working at a big corporate job, a coworker asked me if she smelled of urine, because her van pool mates had complained about her smell wanting her kicked off the van pool (the company owned vans and paid for the costs of van pooling). The poor woman was mortified, because she was elderly and had incontinence. She confided in me and told me she was very careful to stay clean (and in fact over-cologned, which to me was a much bigger problem, but I understood she was trying to prevent odors). I reassured her that I had never noticed any objectionable smells. Which was only the partial truth. I had on RARE occasion whiffed a bit of pee on her, but given her age, and the fact that she didn't REEK, or smell unwashed, I had guessed her "secret." Learning more of the details, she was the only white woman in the van, and of an age (and ignorance) to have unintentionally made offensive comments. It seemed obvious that the other van mates couldn't stand her, but it wasn't because an occasional whiff of pee, but they didn't want to say their true reason (or they had given their supervisors the "whole picture," and the management focused in on the topic that they felt easier to broach). I felt very bad for this woman, especially since I knew that she had planned on not retiring for many years, and then within six months of this incident, she suddenly retired.

I know it was meant well, but I am so deeply offended at advice to use this anger to "inspire" or "motivate" weight loss. In a way, it turns the rage inward, not outward where it belongs, implying that the world was right to mistreat you. Don't get me wrong, weight loss is amazing, but there are too many reinforcing reasons to lose weight, than to focus on punishing ones. Not to mention that the advice implies that you are not already doing everything you can to lose weight, which no one knows but you, and even if true, if you need a list of better reasons to lose weight, I would bet we can all help you come up with about 1,000 or so.

In the mean time, I don't think your boss's "little talk" was inappropriate. She probably was doing the best she could, given the complaints she received. I know you don't like her, but at least she tried to do this positively and not judgementally. It was awkward, and she did it poorly, but the real issue here, I believe is the maliciousness you suspect of the coworker who complained. If you can, go back to the boss, and ask if the "complaints" came from one or several coworkers. If she balks at telling you, then ask a different way (she may be hesitant to point finger at the culprit for fear of breaking confidentiality), ask if this is an "isolated complaint of a small number of coworkers, or whether it's a complaint she has received from many people over a period of time."

If she confirms what you suspect, that this is coming from one or two people, then you can identify the coworker you suspect has personal issues with you (if your suspicions are based on facts, not just guesswork).

If it is coming from several coworkers, you may have odor issues you are not aware of (we rarely can smell ourselves), and it doesn't mean you aren't washing. It is true that being heavy increases opportunities for odors. We have more skin, we have more skin folds, and bacteria grow fast in skin folds. I used to use antipersperant deodorant under my breasts and in other folds to help prevent not only odor, but bacterial and yeast infections from the moisture. An unrelated yeast infection on my face sent me to a dermatologist, and she recommended using dandruff shampoo (it has to contain a zinc compound) like Head and Shoulders as a shampoo and body wash (yep bodywash). I now use it as my only soap, and it is amazing. If I get a little moisture rash anywhere or the starting of a pimple, I use zinc oxide cream on it, and it clears right up. No infection, no rash, no smell. The walgreens brand sells their zinc oxide cream as a generic skin protectant, but also as a diaper rash cream (same cream, just different boxes, so if you can't find it by the bacitracin, check with the baby supplies).

As an added bonus, I have never had so many compliments on my "clear" complexion since using the zinc compounds. Even my rosacea has cleared up (I would use the zinc oxide on the red area at night for several nights, and washed my face in the morning with the Head and Shoulders. Now I use the shampoo daily, but only have to use the cream about once a month or less.

What a strange position to be in!
First, it seems that the BO comment was what your supervisor had to raise with you. Not an easy thing to do, but if there was a complaint then it had to be dealt with. Such an awful position for you AND for your supervisor (even if you DO hate her). If you go to HR with this, they will approach your supervisor and ask what happened, to which the supervisor will reply that she overheard some complaints and had to raise it informally with you. I don't see you getting satisfaction on this one...just let this roll off your back and consider the source.
The weight issue, though, might be looked at in a couple of ways. You might see it as being picked on and singled out. Or, you might see it as a supervisor who is worried about your health and is offering you a great opportunity to address it. If you want to. I honestly don't read anything more than this into it. I don't see her saying that your weight is negatively affecting your work or that your weight has to be addressed, or that your job is in jeapordy if you don't lose weight, all of which can be seen as "weight-ism". Perhaps, even if you do hate her, you might just try to see it in a positive light and again, take it for what it is worth. You probably could go to HR over this, but the amount of satisfaction you might see from this may not be worth the effort.
Hang in there! Weight issues are no fun, and it is embarrassing to have your weight become the focus of a conversation, no matter how well-intentioned.
:hug:

Wizard's first rule: people are stupid.

They will manipulate any way they can for self preservation-- it's like an extension of 13 year olds making fun of the kid who hasn't jumped on the fashion wagon yet simply to make themselves feel better. Women can be catty, even when they are adults. I am sorry you had an encounter with an adult stuck in adolescence.

Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. Every woman has the right to believe that she is beautiful, and to promote the best things about herself. Be certain of yourself, you know you smell good. If it were me, i'd go as far as to apply deoderant/ smelling good stuff directly in front of the person who you know made the comment, while scowling..but i'm passive agressive ;)

What I took from the original poster was that she is not friendly with her boss to begin with, so it didn't sound like her comments were necessarily out of concern. If it was someone she chatted with, ate lunch with, etc I would say yes, I'm sure she was just concerned. But she doesn't have that relationship with her boss and therefore her boss has no reason whatsoever to comment on her weight if it isn't effecting how she does her job.

That is just the thing....I am not friendly with her at all......and I happen to have a very good couple of friends at work....and I work with them on a nightly basis.....and we are VERY honest with each other. They would tell me if I had BO. I wash my clothes...I shower before I go to work every night. I use deodorant/antipersperant, I use deodorant spray in my shoes. I wear makeup and I am happy with myself.....also I work in the medical field and I know that these skin infections can happen....because I have taken care of the infections.....I don't have them....I am careful about being clean. I guess the thing that most ticked me off was that she would relate BO automatically to my being overweight.....that is what really ticked me off. And I made a point to ask and make sure that my job performance was ok and she stated "Oh yes.....this has nothing to do with that......the patients say they love you and your co-workers like to work with you....."hmmmmmmmmm.......

The only blessing is that she didnt say it in from of your co workers.

Ignore the stupid woman

Emily
xxx

Your boss has stated that this has nothing to do with your performance at work, so at least you don't have that to worry about. However, what she has said is obviously very upsetting for you and it's going to keep playing on your mind. It's probably come from some comment made by someone who maybe you don't get along with, and your boss has had to follow it up. You say you have a couple of very good friends at work ... if I were you I'd mention to them what your boss has said and ask them outright if it's true. Good friends often don't want to upset you and perhaps would feel awkward and unkind to mention this if it were true, but if you were to ask them I'm sure they could put your mind at rest one way or another. Being overweight myself and sweating more than I used to, I'm paranoid about hygiene. Obviously, I take regular showers and use deoderant etc, and as BO usually comes from stale sweat when people don't shower often enough, I'm fairly confident that I don't smell, but some people's sense of smell can be more acute than others, so you never know. Ask your friends and you will be able to put your mind at rest, if the answer is no you don't have BO, then you can put this unkind remark behind you. If they say it's true, then you can do something about it, and thank them for being honest with you.

Oh my gosh.. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I have no idea what to say or what kind of advice to give to you about this. I would just ask your friends about it and ask them straight up if you smell or overperfume :-). I've done that on ocassion myself and then had someone to ask me to tone it down with my body spray. If it happens again, tell your boss politely that your weight is none of her business but that you appreciate her concern and I would take the advice of the other poster about asking your boss if these complaints have all come from different people and over a period of time and etc. I would be upset too about her implying your "body odor" is even related to your weight. Again I'm so sorry!

It happened to me.
 

Gabi:
{{}} I am so glad you posted this. When I was 215 I had a similar thing happen.

I had just started a new job. My boss and co workers were and are totally insane. Often I would be running around non stop -- without break -- from 8AM until 5 PM. I often didn't get a break. It was totally their fault. I would come back to my office and someone would be sitting there ready to take me to this training or that training. I couldn't get five seconds to comb my hair or even piddle sometimes. I would excuse myself and literally they would come to the bathroom with me and talk outside the stall.

And there was a period where my deodorant failed a bit. It was a small period. We are talking 3 days or so. It was due to the fact I wasn't prepared for how warm it was inside (when it was very cold outside), had nothing in my desk like perfume or anything (or a change of shirt), and had a product that was natural and didn't work all that well. It worked fine when I was sitting at my desk (as I had in my previous job ) but not running around all day.

Now for me, I would never ever ever say anything even if I smelled someone else unless it was a big problem and didn't get better. I understand we all have moments.

So a few months after that -- I had recovered. However a new boss came in a few weeks later. And she called me up to tell me she needed to talk to me. She shut the door and said *you smell*. Ok it was nicer than that. I get the feeling that *whomever* had pulled that little tidbit out to *bond* with the boss and be mean to me.

It was like slow motion. I couldn't believe it. At the time it totally crushed me. But now I do realize that it might have been a small part true (as you can say about everyone at one time) but it was mostly mean people taking their opportunity to be mean. I later learned that one of my co workers (who quit after that) was a certifiable loon and liar. He met with the new boss right before I got my *BO* meeting and left just a few weeks later. And my job rarely EVER has anyone leave. I found out later, he would tell another large lady that he worked with that she smelled and needed to dress better.

I thought how could I face the new boss -- who is still there. But I think even she now realizes she was taken advantage of and feels stupid. We just try to avoid each other.

I honestly think this is a non talked about tactic in the workplace. I have never talked about it. So some mean person can make an allegation and knows it will never come back to haunt them (because you will be mortified and never say anything) . I never thought people would be so petty -- but there are plenty of them.

I did however really work hard to make sure no one could never say that again. And in the end I am sure it is a good thing. I have failed to get work done so I can smell like a rose and I do think that best revenge is living well. I didn't lose the weight because of that co worker... but I am now a 164 lb attorney that smells like a rose. He is an out of work liar. Don't let it interfere with your job because then that mean person wins.

Feel better ! I do after your posting this and the stories that others posted. :)

I do feel better.....the funny thing is last night I worked again....and the first thing one of my co-workers said was "mmmmmm you smell good.....is that the lotion I like?" and then she proceeded to pick my arm up and sniff it....lol! I was like holy crap. I asked my friends too, and they said they had never noticed. And now I am thinking about this.....sometimes at work I am literally on my feet for 12 hours running.....and when that happens I would like someone to show me you doesn't sweat. So you know what.......I am not going to take offense to this.....I think it is someone who has something against me because I am bigger (they have made comments before) and I think my boss went around it the wrong way, especially considering she "overheard the comment"....I would bet that she didn't even bother to stop and talk to them about it. But you know what....I know I don't stink, and the people I work with all the time say I don't and thy like to work with me because I do a good job.....so I guess that is what counts=)
BTW= I never wear the strong smelling stuff because we can't at work.....might bother pts. you have to be within a foot or 2 to smell it.

I think it is ridiculus for a boss to take "an overheard" comment seriously. In the first place the comment may have been meant figuratively by someone not fond of you (your boss stinks, and I'm not refering to actual odor).

Secondly, unless it's an ongoing situation in which more than one person has made an OFFICIAL and repeated complaint about, she has no legitimate reason for bringing this up. ALL humans have odors that at one time or another can be unpleasant to SOMEONE. Do we run to the boss and cry stinky every time a coworker comes back from lunch with garlic or onion breath, wears a cologne that makes us gag, may have used a slightly less effective deodprant, or passes gas (yes, unfortunately I have worked with both male and female coworkers - in cubicle land where it's hard to escape - with easily riled digestive systems, and the inability or unconcern with getting to the restroom? Should the boss seek out the "offender" every time he/she overhears a comment, or run around sniffing people?

I remember in high school, our german teacher told us (in preparation for a trip that some of the students were making to europe) that in most other countries, people aren't so concerned with smelling like something other than human beings, so while they were well groomed and bathed regularly, they didn't necessarily use deodorant, mouthwash or perfumes to erase or cover their "natural" scent. He then gave a lecture on how anyone who was going was NOT to make comments, wrinkle their nose, roll their eyes or any such nonsense..... Ironically, I probably would never have thought to abandon deodorant use for a few days even to let an open wound heal, if it weren't for that teacher. Nor would I have had such an assertive reaction to the boss when she complained about it.

I have a suspicion, though that this was more about a boss trying to do her job, or just being weird or mean. My guess is this is really about these upcoming Weight Watcher's meetings. Maybe she wants to get more people interested (this was a lousy sell-job if that was the point), or maybe she's afraid she'll be the only heavy person at the meetings, or if you're even a tiny bit bigger than her (or she can convince herself that you are), she might be afraid to be the "fattest" at the meeting.

Either way, this all seems to be a lot more about her than you or anyone else.

To clarify, I meant that this was more THAN a boss trying to do her job...

Yes I believe my incident was a power struggle between my bosses group and another group. My boss had done something mean and petty to *their* group and certain people from the other group saw their opportunity to set off another war. Or at least get off a cheap shot.