Back after a long absence and in a shame Spiral
 

Some of you may remember me from a long time ago. I've been gone for quite a while. I've fallen on some rough times, and I'm sort of in a depression/shame spiral at the moment. I apologize in advance for the lengthiness of this post, but I really need to start myself in the right direction and I feel getting back into this site will help me do this.

At one point, between August 2004-2006, I lost 100 pounds. Normally when one loses 100 pounds, you think they would be super skinny, but this was not the case for me. I felt discouraged because I had so far to go. At my highest, I weighed 375, I am ashamed to admit.

Fast Forward to February 2007, hubby fell in the parking lot of our duplex and broke his elbow. The injury was pretty bad, as the bone piece that holds your elbow together was broken off completely. Two days later, he had surgery where they inserted a huge metal screw, almost like a rod, 3 pins and wire to give him a working elbow. The orthopaedist said he wanted Brian to be able to eat and brush his hair but would make no other promises. Looking at it now, almost 8 months later, that it pretty much all the range of motion he has/will get.

A day after he came home from the hospital, I got a positive pregnancy test. It was a crazy but happy time, as we have wanted children for over a year with unsuccessful tries. I had starting having rusty bleeding, and I went to The ER, where they told me everything was fine, that I was not having a miscarriage but a coupe days later, that is what happened.

We've been trying since then, with no success. Losing the baby has sent me into this depression. For months I didn't care about eating, or much else for that matter. I still have days where I just don't give a damn. My due date would have been October 24th, so the closer I get to that date, the more depressed I find myself becoming. I feel like I am running out of time, I'm almost 31. I guess some people are not meant to be parents, but it hurts very much. I feel like God hates me and I'm being punished for something. I know I am becoming a very bitter and cynical person.

I know I need to lose weight and it will help with the baby situation but there is something within me that is holding me back, keeping me from doing what I need to do. I guess my brain has this attitude of "if I can't have what I want, what does it matter what I eat or how I look?" I guess it's a good first step that I realize I am doing this and I know it needs to change. I can't do it on my own though. I don't really have too many people around me that can understand what I am going through.

Thanks for letting me vent,

Heather

I´m so sorry that you´ve been having such a hard time, Heather. I can´t imagine.

Look, you´re 30 years old. 30! You´re still young, you still have plenty of time to have children! More than 10 years, for sure. Keep trying!

I don`t know if this is your case but I had a friend who was told she was sterile. She was very upset, but decided to adopt and change her habits. She dropped from about 300 to maybe 220 - 230. She got pregnant and wasn`t even trying. At 300 pounds she wasn´t even having regular periods, what she needed to do was to lose some weight and everything was regular again.

Now, I´m not a doctor, or even someone who knows a lot about fertility. But I do know that obesity can sometimes mess around with your hormones and reproductive systems. I would suggest you go to the doctor and ask. Don´t give up hope! Keep trying!

When I was 375, wasn't having periods at all. When I lost that 100, I got them back but they were really long cycles (40 days + instead of the normal person's 28-30). After the miscarriage, they went crazy for a month and then went to a short 30. Now they are back to a long 40+. I know losing weight should help it, but I can't get the motivation to do what I need to do. It's very odd.

It's like "I know I need to do this.. but..."

I think it's amazing that you lost 100 pounds are have managed to keep it off inspite of everything you have been through. You are an inspiration and should give yourself a big pat on the back. Wow, that's really incredbile. I am willing to bet that if you tried to do what you did to lose those first 100 pounds for even just a few days, you would get jazzed again and would be on your way to your goal. Focusing your thoughts on weight loss and exercise would help get your mind off the sad things in your life right now. Starting is always the hardest part but once you see a little bit of progress it will get easier. Just summon your resolve, move forward and don't look back. You will start feeling happier, I know it!
Good luck!
Pam

Heather,

I don't know wht to say other than stay strong, as you evidently are, becaue you found your path back. Losing the baby was not your fault; I had a friend in a similar situation and the years of being helpless couldn't help her at all. Once she snapped back into health, she had yet another child successfully. I think you can only pick up from here and proceed with your chin up. When you lose the 100 lbs again, you'll find that it is no small deal since it was hard to get there. Give yourself a pat on the back; you're doing what may be best at this point.

Heather I am so sorry for your loss.

I was 280 when I started this journey and was on the iud. (I have 5 with my first dh, we are divorced and he has since passed.)

WHile engaged to Joe in Dec. 2005, we had a "surprise" pregnancy. Kids are a blessing and we were all too happy to have the baby. Unfortunately they couldn't get the iud out. At 4.5 months in we had a miscarriage. That happened 5 days after we married April 6, 06. So yes I know your heart ache. :(

I had gotten down to 250 pounds by the time I found out I was pg. I only gained 2 in four months.

Once The end of April hit I realized the child is gone and there is nothing more I can do except mourn and pick up the pieces. I started walking again, watching the cals again etc. I lost down to 203 by the end of Jan. 07.

Had a bunch of problems.court stuff with my ex, got stressed and the walking went down and the eating went south. By the time April 07 hit I was 220!

I told myself I would have to deal with my ex no matter if I was 200, 220, or 280! The best thing I could do was keep working on my health. I remember it was a very conscious decision, pick up the chip bag and some ranch dip and dive in, or put it down and work on this?

By the time he passed on in August 07, I was down to 205 again.

The point I am making is life deals us lemons sometimes. We can't control that. What we can control is what we eat and how we exercise. And it is alot better to deal with life without health problems as well. Keep working on your weight. Pray and ask God to help you conceive when the time is right.

God Bless!

:hug:


I'm so sorry for your loss.

My DIL is 40 and due with the second child in Nov. First child is 2. You have time. Although I know you will always remember the lost baby, there can be more. I am wishing you the best. I can tell that you are a strong person.

I don't feel strong. I feel incredibly weak. I feel like if I was strong, I would just get back on the weight loss road, but I don't know what my problem is.

Heather, I'm so sorry for the rough time you've been having.

Have you been able to talk to a counselor about any of this? It can really help sometimes. No need to go it alone! You sound pretty depressed, and there's nothing wrong with getting some help with that.

Please understand that even if, heaven forbid, you should never have a child, you are still a worthy, precious human being! I know you are filled with sorrow at that loss, but often these things happen because it's for the best at the time--for reasons known only to biology and medicine, if at all. I'm not saying it was a "blessing in disguise" or any of that crap--just that it is not something you did. You did not "fail" at this. Therefore, you do not need to punish yourself for anything!

The important thing, I'd say, is that you start to eat healthy, nourishing foods again. Get rid of the empty snack foods--they will not help you. Think about what you would do if you had a friend who was in this situation--what would you do to try to help her? What would you want to say to her? Well, you are that friend, and you deserve just as much compassion and care.

Glad to see you back here...

Jay

Heather, I am so sorry for your loss. sounds like you are still in morning for the baby you lost. Is there someone you can see? We all need help sometimes.

The best thing you can do for yourself, and your husband, and future children, is to get healthy. It's not being selfish to think of yourself, you're getting healthy for everyone.

Good luck and God bless

Heather,
I do remember you. I am sorry to hear about all the troubles that you have had. I also know what you mean by losing 100 lbs and still not being skinny. My highest weight was nearly your highest weight and after I lost 100 lbs, I was still considered morbidly obese.

I am glad you are back and I hope you can find the support you need here.

Heather - :hug: and welcome back.

Have you investigated grieving groups for people who have miscarried in your area? Often they are reduced cost or free, and it might be a really good thing to connect with others who have experienced the same thing you have. Sometimes it can be really hard to do things that are good for ourselves (eat better, exercise, take care of our bodies) if we are depressed, mourning, or otherwise upset...even more so if we feel betrayed by our bodies, as so many women who miscarry do. If you don't feel connected to and in touch with your body, weight loss might be harder, so going to talk to a professional or participating in a support group might really get you on the path to healing the emotional pain, which in turn can help you deal with the weight loss.

Another :hug: for you. You can do this!

Heather - You have suffered such a tremendous loss. If you are feeling weak right now, perhaps the thing to do is start small. Try changing one thing and work from there. Grieving is an imperfect thing and takes the time that it takes. :hug:

I just thought of one more thing. I am ashamed of how much I weigh, even now that I have lost a few pounds. What really helps, though, is to think about the good things I am doing towards feeling better. I am eating an apple instead of something less nutritious while I am typing this. That I am capable of making that choice, just for this minute, makes me feel better about myself. You might try making some very small changes...nothing overwhelming, and see if it helps.

Hah! I see Nancy and I were posting similar thoughts, at the same time.