I posted a message on an expat message board here in NL; I wanted to see if there was anyone in the Amsterdam area that would be interested in going to WW with me. I wasn't asking for help or advise on losing weight, I was JUST asking if someone wanted to go with me, but was hesitant to go because of the language barrier (and in that case I could help ).

One woman responded, which is GREAT! We are going to meet each other next Tuesday after work, and then the Tuesday after that we'll start going to meetings together.

Another woman(?) responded yesterday::

I'm not one to get upset about these things in general, but this really p#ssed me off. I mean, first of all, I wasn't ASKING for advise. Secondly, this person doesn't know me, doesn't know why I have weight issues (some of it is from meds!), thirdly, as an overweight person, I probably still eat MORE healthily than most non overweight people I know! To say that I am a "foodaholic" really sent me through the roof

Anyway, I responded to her::

I'm worried now that I look like a jerk. Did I do the wrong thing?

If you responded in anger and now feel bad, then for your own peace of mind you might not have handled as well as you could have. Your reply wasn't exactly a model of politesse, but then, it generally isn't considered polite to deliver detailed advice and diagnosis to someone either.

I think that if this woman is in the habit of pushing her assessment and advice on people who haven't asked for it, and do it with no information about the person she is lecturing to, then yeah, she has earned the type of response you gave. Just because she lost nearly a hundred pounds does not mean that she has insight into everyone else's problems. What worked for her might not work for you. It certainly would not have worked for me, since I am a semi-vegetarian. Dairy is an important staple for me. And that isn't going to change anytime soon.

So yeah, I think you had a right to be annoyed that she was assuming that she was so much better informed than you, and projecting her issues on you. But, she likely thought you were being very rude. If knowing that causes you difficulties, then it might be best to sit on an more emails you get that anger you until you've calmed down. I wouldn't go out of my way to try to smooth things over with her, though. If you want to, that is of course your choice.

I'm not one to overreact, and when I read your reponse I actually thought you were reserved (compared to what I expected since you thought you might have been out of line). She had absolutely no right to shove her beliefs in your face, but also to critique you so harshly. You have no reason to feel bad about your response.

Hey there Velveteen!

Well, first of all, I don't think that poster is a woman, no matter what name is being used. Something about it just says "male" to me. Could it be the patronizing tone?

Second, when posting on various sites, you kinda get what you get. It's a roll of the dice out there. Here on 3FC the mods and admins try to help maintain our forum etiquette--other sites often don't have as much help with that.

The poster sounds like he's on a crusade to tell everyone what The Answer is. Many times the best approach is just to ignore responses like that, but it's also OK to respond--just perhaps not as angrily as you did. Can you delete posts on that board?

By the way, congratulations on your weight loss! Keep going!

Jay

Congratulations on the weightloss. Personally, I'd have just ignored the message, but I don't think you were really out of line...just it might have been preferable to press DELETE.

Thanks so much for your response. I think I *do* feel a wee bit bad because I don't generally speak to anyone on the internet in this way. It's way too easy to go off on someone undeserving when you can't "see" their reaction.

What you say about your own lifestyle, that you are a semi-vegetarian, is totally what I'm talking about. This person doesn't know me from Adam or Eve, and doesn't actually KNOW what kind of foods I eat. While not 100% of the time, I'm VERY much into superfoods/whole foods, less red meat, and even eating complete vegetarian meals throughout the day. I eat tons of fruit and veg. I rarely even drink diet pop. I don't eat a lot of processed foods at all (I like eating things which actually have some value to them). So to say that I'm a foodaholic was extremely presumptious IMHO.

I'm not interested in smoothing things over; I noticed on some other posts he/she made, they seem to make apologies quite often for whatever they've previously posted. Sounds like someone who enjoys a wind up to me.

Thanks for saying that. I was also worried that the woman who wanted to go with me (whom I haven't met yet) would think I was a totaly psycho-babe and I would lose my newly acquired meeting partner.


Jay, thanks for answering me I too thought "it" was male but then I'm not totally sure.

The message board on the expat site is filled with rude people and not so moderated as here. That's why I only went there to ask if someone wanted to go along, rather than ask for any advise. I come HERE for advise!

I can probably delete my posts, but, as much as I do have a tinge of guilt, I think I will leave them. I won't, however, respond further (he/she wrote back with " such good manners" and I just wrote that they should take a look at themselves first before judging others. Now he/she has "apologised" and I'm letting it go there).

Thanks too for the WL congrats
Thanks. Normally I do ignore, but I guess I just lost it on this one.

In the future I'm just going to ignore this kind of stuff. As much as I feel, on the one hand, that it was OK to respond, on the other hand it's not worth feeling bad about responding!

I'm glad you found something useful in what I had to say.

Just out of curiousity, what is an "expat" site? One for Americans who are living overseas?

Hi Tealeaf

Yes, that's correct. I live in the Netherlands, though I am originally from the US (New Mexico to be exact). Since the Netherlands is pretty small, it's fairly easy to come across many others in the same situation (not only from the US but other countries as well).

Wow Velveteen I can't belive the message that person sent u! It's almost like they were responding to someone else and posted to u instead. I really don't think your reply was out of line. I probably would have sent the same thing. I remember when me and my friend went to a church function together and at the time I was losing weight so she was a bit heavier than me and this man who neither of us knew felt the need to tell her what she needed to do to lose weight! We were both outraged so I grabbed her arm and walked away from him. If he wouldn't have been elderly I would have spoken my mind

Thanks Cristy. That's exactly my point. What the person wrote was totally unsollicited! Obviously when I come here and I ask for help or tips or whatever I am open to WHATEVER people have to say to me. But when it's pretty much not even related to asking advise (what I posted), don't come at me out of the blue with your "expertise"!

I'm glad you guys don't think I was totally in the wrong. If everyone thought so, I would be open to it because I don't want to be an A hole.