I just got into an argument with my mom. Obviously, the core of the argument is in our relationship, but the main thing that really annoyed me was when we were talking about weight loss. She said, quote, "You have always been a slim person." I was discussing how I believe the worst part of my body is my stomach, and she said, "You have always had a flat stomach."
I'm not sure if it is just my teenage angst, but that just annoyed me SO much, since it WAS NOT TRUE AT ALL. I have ALWAYS had a bit of a pooch, as long as I can remember. Yes, it was has been reduced with the weight I've lost recently, but I have NEVER had a flat stomach, and I certainly have NOT always been a slim person. When I told her this, she then went on to say I only gained weight in the past year. This is false, and annoyed me further. Another part of the conversation was about the genetics in our family, and how bigger thighs are a genetic issue. I agreed with this (actually I brought it up), but she kept insisting that another thing that we all have is BIG ARMS! Certainly when I gained weight, my arms got bigger, but my arms now I would not count as big.
I guess it was frustrating to me because she was claiming to know my body. As I said to her, how could anyone else but me know my body? She has not lived with the pooch or the extra weight and whatnot for the past 10 yrs, has she?
Not sure if this is just a rant or something anyone can relate to, but I felt it was appropriate for the forum... and I feel better after typing that all out .
It is annoying to have anyone claim to know your body better than you do. Of course, I don't know about your relationship with your mother, but I know that I annoy my grown sons sometimes. I always mean well, but you know how that goes....
Haha, my mom tells me that I've always been fit, but she didn't *see* me at 175-180 pounds, when I looked anything BUT! Still, I have NOT always been fit - athletic, yes - but I was chubby in middle school and 9th grade. My mom must have a selective memory.
Also, your mom was probably just trying to make you feel better. Is SHE fat herself? if so, she probably doesn't want to FEEL fat, so she calls you THIN, even if you're not.
Interesting, Wings! How odd that the two of you have had such different perceptions... Could it be that you look at yourself more negatively than she does? I'm another person who has always had some fat on my lower belly, even when I was a tiny teen--I think this is normal for women, btw--and I'll always have some fat there. But I'm sure my Mom would have said I had a "flat stomach" then. It's all comparatively speaking.
Interesting that she sees you as always having been thin! But as you say, she doesn't know your body and she doesn't live in it--so she is seeing it as an "outsider," even if she's a close outsider.
Still, it's quite an idea, isn't it? How does it feel to think of yourself as "always having been slim"? (even though you don't see it that way). It feels different, doesn't it?
Well, no matter what, stay with your program! You're almost halfway down, and that's great!
I would be annoyed by that, too. I haven't had that happen to me in regard to body or weight, but I have had it happen with other things. It's annoying as heck when someone denies your experience or your emotions or whatever reality.
I think you have to remember that she looks at you with a mother's eyes, which may not always be completely accurate. What is "fit" or "thin" or "flat" is in the eye of the beholder. To her, you are always slim and fit and beautiful. She's your mother! Don't argue with her - she has the right to her opinion about what is fit or thin or not - compared to many people, you ARE fit, thin, and your stomach is flat. Just tell her you see things differently and want to meet the goals you have set for yourself.
I know it can be frustrating but i agree with kilketay. She is looking at you with a mothers eye. My 8 year old tells me she has a big stomach. Of course, i think it could be slimmer but i'm not going to tell her that. i love her and think she is perfect.
now when i was a teenager, i was a size 3, weighed 100 pounds and still had a pooch. my mom always said i was sooooo thin. i said, "look at this gut". she said, "well, you gotta have some place for your organs to be". lol. but it didn't make me mad.
now though, i want so badly for her to tell me what a great job i am doing with my weight loss, but everytime i bring up that i fit into a smaller size or lost another 10 pounds or whatever, she only brings up what she is doing...walking, or what she is eating, what size she can or can't wear. when is she going to get it and say, "wow angie...look at what a great job you have done. you are looking great."??? she sure didn't mind telling me about the rolls i was getting under my shirt when i weighed in at 196!!!!
I think no matter how old we get, we want our mothers support, approval and admiration.
Thanks for all the comments guys. This morning I am not feeling so angry with her, soo its ok. What you said made sense though, it probably is her perception, since she's my mom and all. Actually she is quite thin herself (5'3" and 120 lbs) and has been working out alongside me this summer, and it is also frustrating to hear her, even at her weight, say that she needs to lose 10 lbs. What sparked the stomach conversation actually was her saying she wished she had a flat stomach, and how she used to have one. I commented that maybe that meant it was possible for me to have one too, which led to the genetics talk and all that...
I guess it is just a matter of difference between us, perception, etc. I know that I have never been obese, and I wasn't overweight until the past year or so, but I would never say I was slim. I am big boned and always was at the higher side of a healthy weight range for my height, so in my mind, her comments were certainly false. I suppose I could just use them at motivation though... to get me to the point where I AM slim!
Once again, thanks for the replies!
Ahh! This hits home! My mom would still buy me size 5 pants when I was a size 13, and swear I could fit into them!!
She must have not wanted to face reality........
Wouldn't the world be beautiful if only our mothers could give us what we all need? In my experience, as an adult, I find myself, at times, needing...no...CRAVING my mother's support and wishing she could give me unconditional love and support, like you see in the movies. In my own reality, it doesn't go that way. My mother is like a broken dishwasher. I put my dirty dishes in (Mom, I'm on a diet!), thinking they'll come out clean and shiny (that's great, I know you can do it!), only to find them even more dirty (don't even bother, you'll always have a belly like mine, and it gets bigger as you age).
Moms are not superheros, they are just people with faults just like anyone. Look to your friends, sisters, whoever is supportive of you to give you what we all CRAVE
Interesting... I've had to deal with the contrary when I was younger, and sometimes even now. Like family members keeping on buying me clothes in XXL size when I'm clearly a M (it makes me feel like they're just unable to see what size I really am, and since it's not a matter of a couple of pounds only, it's, uhm, vexing). Or my mother hammering down that I shouldn't wear this-or-that because I wasn't thin, that I shouldn't try anything else because it necessarily wouldn't fit... (Yes, mom, I love you, but please, for the love of all that's holy, stop lumping all your insecurities on me; you're lucky that I'm a strong-willed person, or by now, at 28, I'd probably be wearing sacks, walking on my own hair, and not daring to approach a man within a 10-miles radius because 'sex is digusting'.)
Regardless... Whatever the direction taken by this 'problem', it is frustrating and annoying all the same. So I think I can understand!
I think it is very hard for us to see people that we feel so strongly about in an objective manner. I just do not see my family members for how they really look; I see them through a filter of emotions. If I had to describe my mother, father, or sister for a sketch artist, I seriously doubt that I could do it (thank goodness I have recent photographs of them all).
And the same is true for them. My family never knew how heavy I was and they always bought me clothes that were too small. And I was glad. I knew I was heavy and I felt bad about the way I looked, but it was a relief to know that I didn't look that way to them. I remember my sister guessing at my size, guessing way too low, and just brushing her off because I didn't want her to know how big I really was.
Also, the flaws in your body are always going to be more obvious to you than to anyone else. I can definitely see flaws in myself that no one else sees. And, again, it's a relief. It's bad enough that I can see these flaws, I'm glad no one else seems to notice them.
It's also a perception issue. When I look down at my stomach and thighs, it does not look like they are any thinner to me, despite the fact that I've lost almost 40 lbs. I kid you not, when I look at them, they look exactly the same as when I weighed 150. Clearly this is all in my head. I've measured them and I know I've lost around 10 inches in my hips and 8 inches in my waist. I'm also about 10 sizes smaller in pants. When I look in the mirror I can definitely see that my hips and waist are smaller. But sometimes our perception of ourselves doesn't match up with reality, especially when we've lost a lot of weight. In my head, I'm still the chubby girl and that's what I see when I look at myself, even though I know it isn't true.
My Mom was just the opposite when I was growing up. We'd go clothes shopping and I'd pick something out and she would say "you have to be slim to wear something like that." That sure hurt. So with my DD, I hold my tongue--if she likes it and it isn't obnoxious I tell her it is cute. I have to, she told her friend that she doesn't like to shop with me because of some comments I said earlier. I want to shop with my daughter--I like her. I don't want to hurt her feelings.
Do things such as these bother anyone else?
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