When Others Like You Fat
 

I'm 40 with two kids and want to lose about 45 pounds. Is there anyone else here experiencing this problem in their life?

My single biggest dieting obstacle is the loving people in my life who consistently work against my weight loss goals. My immediate family is very overweight and my Italian in-laws take it as an insult if you don't "eat up". (However, this does not keep them from commenting on my being "too fat" either.) Even when I have succeeded in losing some weight, the combined forces of these people has eventually eased me back into unhealthy choices. I completely accept full responsibility for my compliance with this...I just never realized before how much I have been influenced by other's behavior. Quite simply, they keep gently nudging enough times over a long enough period of time that I start to give in. 100 calories here, 100 calories there...and soon the weight is back.

Some recent examples: Last night, my husband asked me just before bedtime (11:00 pm) if I wanted a dessert. (I do not usually eat after 6:30.) This is as he is standing next to a list of the foods I can snack on... a list I put up just that morning to discourage this kind of behavior...a list that was out there with his full agreement to cooperate. We had a heart to heart about this earlier in the day and he said he wasn't "opposed to it". However, the offers to have something else to eat are already beginning. He is opposed to it. I do not care what he says. It is what he does that counts.

The day before, when my mom asked me about my new dieting effort, I simply told her I was avoiding things with sugar and flour. (There is more to it, but less info. is best sometimes with Mom. I adore her, but she is much more overweight than I am and thinks there is absolutely nothing wrong with my size.) She immediately started trying to dissuade me from "limiting myself too much" and "to be careful" about going too far...etc...etc... I gently told her no, this was what I was doing and I wasn't avoiding any food groups. I was just avoiding unhealthy choices in those groups that trigger binges. I could tell she wasn't happy, and she isn't done trying to persuade me about being "too extreme".

Quite simply, I believe to them any successes I have become a commentary on their weight.

It is hard enough to resist my own desire to emotionally eat without also having food constantly being offered to me by my family. Unlike earlier attempts to diet, I feel I am forewarned this time. Based on past behavior, the more I lose, the more determined they will be to get me back to "normal". So I decided I must do something different, get outside support. This is why I joined this site...I'm looking for some support in staying firm and resisting these people whom I love very much but who are a bad influence on my choices.

Anyone in the same boat who would like to join forces with me?

Well they love you and that's the ticket right there.. In this day and age you are blessed to have folks who care.

They want to take care of you. They want the best for you. They don't want you to suffer the dissappointment of failure. They don't want you to become anorexic. They don't want you to be so admireably thin that you make them feel badly. They are afraid of the unknown.

Quietly plug along. Smile and nod. And come back to 3FC.

Hi k8t
 

I'm not in the same situation as your are, as far as your family goes, but I am when it comes to wanting to lose the weight.
The thing we have to remember is, no one knows how we really feel in the inside and how miserable it is to be heavy.
I used say, oh just one bite won't hurt, really fooling myself into thinking nothing will hurt me to eat it. But little by little the weight goes up.
I know your family loves you, and you love them, but we have to take care of what God has given us, our body.
I am 45, no children. . yet, but I thought to myself, it's not too late for me to take care of myself. I started doing Atkins at the end of March, and at this point, I'm not having a hard time.
The thing to do is take it one day at a time. I look at the big picture to what I want to weigh and then take small steps to get to my goal. If I lose 1 or 2 lbs in a month, I will see that as an accomplishment because at least I didn't put 2 lbs on. Two lbs will turn into 5 and 5 into 10lbs. That's what happened to me. Actually, I didn't even think about what I was losing, I just concentrated on what I was eating to lose weight.
I have been heavy all my life and I want to change that. I know you can too because I believe all of us who are heavy have the same feelings about ourselves and want to change.
Stay encouraged! You can do this, we all can!
God Bless,
FitinTime

Oh man, it's crazy how Italians have a strong belief that food is love. Hispanics and quite a few other cultures have the same notion. Your Italian in-laws sound just like my girlfriend's family: they're Puerto Rican. Food is LOOOOOOVE... if you're thin, they want to constantly feed you to make you gain weight, but if you're too heavy, then they don't hesitate to tell you so and then semi-affectionately call you a "gordita." I'm thinking, "You want to feed everyone, but here you're still calling people FAT? They only got fat because of YOUR DELICIOUS COOKING!"

My girlfriend is also very anti-healthy-foods, as she was raised on that rich, delicious, but very bad-for-you Puerto Rican cooking. She loves to cook for me, then gets very upset when I don't want to eat it. I tell her it's because I'm trying to lose weight and stay healthy and she pouts more, saying, "You're healthy already! You're not FAT! EAT!" But I believe she simply viewed me in lover's eyes - she thought I was hot (and not fat) even AT 175, which I didn't understand, but it made her less than supportive of my intial journey... until I promised her that I'd get a mohawk once I hit my goal. Haha!

LOL... my girlfriend... says the EXACT same thing. That and, "Shouldn't only MY OPINION matter? It's not like you're trying to impress anyone else..."

Yes, I am. Myself.

Yes, it's the same with me. "I love you just the way you are..." It sounds stupid, but I truly never realized how much food was being pushed in my direction before I stepped back to look at why I kept yo-yoing.

Repeat after me: "No thank you." <smile> "No thank you." <smile> "No thank you." <smile>

That's it! That's what you have to do! They will keep offering, and you must keep turning it down. They do not have to change--you do! And don't give in to the "Aw, just a little won't hurt," "Aw, c'mon, it's so good," or pouting because you won't eat. Just repeat that little phrase as often as necessary. Don't argue, don't try to convince--just turn it down. :cheer2:

Jay

Yes, its nice to be able to focus on the LOVE. With my MIL, I do not feel the love! She gets p.o.'d if I watch what I eat, as if its a competition. "what?! you're on W.W. again?? well, there goes MY summer..." can you feature that!! Of course she will spend the summer trying to be around me more to monitor my progress and to bump me off course at any opportunity. She did this when I lost the weight from kid1...I find it hilarious! But its WAY easier to dismiss this behavior than the stuff coming from your partner and blood relatives...I think Susan is bang on that people are afraid of change. If you get all "skinny" are you still gonna love them, warts and all?? Of course you are, but they are insecure about it...they will only believe you when you reach your goal and you haven't changed.

Hang in there K8t,nsj,N..Shane!

karwie

Wow, do I ever hear you. My family is very much like this. All I'll have to do is mention to my mom that I'm trying to lose weight, and suddenly my house looks like a Little Debbie store.
My mom is overweight, and I think she takes it as an insult to her if I aknowledge and want to change my obesity. She told me that I wasn't 'fat', and I'm like "I weigh 180lbs! I'm a size 18W, thats not healthy!" sigh. I never would want to hurt my moms feelings, but I wish she would see that by tempting me, by sabeautaging me is not showing love. I don't want to be a hottie, I just want to be healthy and look it. I just want to tuck my shirt in, I haven't been able to do that for 13 years! :o
I've found that the only thing that works is
A) don't talk about my diet or excercise program. Don't talk about how much weight I have lost.
B)Take all the food and goodies she gives me, and send it to work with DH to give to his coworkers.

Good Luck!

I'll give "the others" the benefit of the doubt and don't think that they want us fat, but rather they're using themselves as a measuring stick, so if you eat significant less/lighter than they are, it's natural for them to perceive you as going "too extreme" (much like how a complete teetotaler would consider a glass of wine a day is way too much).

But I agree with Jay's tactics, politely decline, rinse and repeat. I would also avoid clueing them on losing weight, 'cause that'll only open a whole can of "it's OK, just this once" worms. And once turns into twice, then thrice . . .

And counter-intuitive as it may seem, don't go to events /w food famished -- have a little snack beforehand. If you're really hungry, your willpower & resistance against offerings unhealthy foods is that much lower.

Its people fearing the unknown, and wanting you as you are, which appears safe and familiar, rather than risk you changing.

Perhaps this is less significant than some cultural factors, but sometimes its the case that if YOU make healthy changes, this forces people to realise that their own lifestyles are unhealthy. The obvious defensive response is to knock you down.

emily
xxx

I think that if a family loves you so much, you should put it to them this way...

Not knowing your age, lets just say 20. Say...

Would you love me in 40 years? Even though I'll likely be dead and gone then because I didn't take care of the one body I've been given and allowed myself to get overweight until it affected my health and shaved years from my life leaving my family behind to wonder why I let myself go like that?

:cp: lol i like this very much!!! Nothing like a good ol' shock tactic to change the subject... I'll try using it some time.

Golly... I dunno. I can see wanting to say something like that, but actually SAYING it... I don't know the people involved, but why go that far? It's really kind of aggressive, and it might just make people feel... well, awkward would be putting it mildly.

No explanations or justifications are needed, really. Just a polite no thank you. It might be better not to get into useless arguments or debates.

Jay