Well my 11 yo daughter admitted to me that her friends have called me fat and made fun of me in front of her. The thoughts of 11 yo children don't really bother me, but what does is that my DD admitted that she is embarrassed of me. She prefers her father to take her places because she doesn't want her friends to see me with her. I do my very best to be the best mom and wife I can be and I put my kids and husband before myself always. I buy her clothes when she has a closet full and mine are coming apart at the seams. I spend the last bit of money I have to get her hair cut and brows done because she thinks it's shaggy looking. I take her places and try to do things for her no matter how sick I am or how much pain I'm in. (I have alot of medical issues). I try to do things for all 3 of my kids like that (My other 2 are only 6 and 3 1/2 so they really don't ask for much). That's my job as a mother. To hear that she is embarrassed of me really hurt. I cried on hubby's shoulder tonight (literally) after the kids went to bed. He said that I shouldn't let it bother me but I can't help it. What mother wants their child to be ashamed of them or embarrassed by them? I mean for Mother's Day she came out of her room to get a different DVD to watch and on her way back to her room as she walks by she waves the DVD in my direction and says Oh yeah Happy Mother's DAY and that was it. Does she think so little of me? Am I that disgusting to her that I don't even matter? Is this some weird phase that I never went through that is normal? My mom did some stuff that made me roll my eyes or want to bury my head but I was never ashamed to be with her and I tried to always let her know that loved her. Any thoughts here would be nice. I just don't know how to feel right now except sad and self critical. Thanks for letting me vent.

11 year olds say stuff all the time without thinking about who they are affecting. It's all about how them. I think I would have a talk with her about your intentions on becoming healthier and that she should be supportive of you and not embarassed. If her friends are giving her a hard time, perhaps their moms are lacking in other areas that would make them lash out at your daughter. I remember the girls who picked on me or my Mom were the ones whose parents were nowhere to be found most of the time. So go over that with DD and let her know the special things that you do for her are because you love her. 11 is a tough age though - the beginning of the preteen age. I am not looking forward to my kids being that age!

OK sweetie. I am your exact same size. There is no way you are so fat that your daughter should be embarassed by you. Maybe you need to sit her down and have a talk with her about that attitude, and give her a little lecture on T-O-L-E-R-A-N-C-E of people no matter their size... We all can't be skinny little 11 year old girls. I remember being the same way when I was about 12..I wanted my hair done, all the new name brand clothes, even though my mom was a single working mom on a teacher's salary. I could just kick myself for being such a little whiny snot head LOL.

At your size, their are plenty of clothes that you could find to make you look cute and feel sexy. You just have to get over the fact that ,yeah, you're a little bigger. So what. It's good being a plus sized gal these days, with all the cute clothes popping up in our size.

Not trying to discourage you from losing weight at all, because I am on the same weight loss mission as you LOL. But some confidence in yourself would do ya good! Maybe go on a little shopping spree for YOU and buy a couple of pieces that make you feel awesome! Just because you are losing weight, doesn't mean you can't look your best now

Ok...I know exactly what you're going through. The only difference is that I'm a good 3 months along with my program. I didn't take care of myself and I also would put EVERYONE before myself. But because I wasn't respecting myself nobody else was. You see, you have to make yourself a number one priority. And let everyone know that you are going to do that. It also helps them have more self respect for themselves. Part of the reason she says those things is because she isn't secure in herself or she wouldn't say stuff like that. So by beinga great healthy example you will do a world of good for her. So starting now...you make sure that you have what you need to look good. At every size. Do your hair and makeup and start taking care of YOU!

T

I agree with cakses - I think the comments stem from the moms who are most likely MIA. I'm shocked at what I see these days. Get healthy for yourself and your daughter.

There was a study released earlier this year of college seniors which revealed an increase in self absorbed behavior. Most stemed from kids being told they where great just because of who they were, not what they did.

I tell my kids that people call you names when they are insecure about themselves - they deflect from their own shortcomings by turning the focus on what they believe are yours.

Hang in there - Sue

I think you might want to let your daughter know that you understand her feelings because sometimes you have been embarassed (I'm guessing, because I know I have been) about your weight too, but tell (and show) her that neither of you have anything to be ashamed of. Everyone has faults and weaknesses that they may or may not be trying to change and of all the faults a person can have, fat certainly isn't the worst. Fat is a lot better (and easier to deal with) than being dishonest or mean spirited.

Most of my career I've worked with kids, and the ones "most" embarassed by their parents had parents that put the kids first EVERY SINGLE time. Please understand I am not criticizing, only that I've seen that many times when a parent always puts their needs and feelings last, sometimes the kids forget that the parents HAVE needs or feelings.

Wearing "rags" while your daughter has a dream wardrobe sends a message to her that she is worth it and you are not. Your actions say that you are ashamed of yourself, so how can she not be?

Wow, I know that sounds mean, and I really don't mean it that way. I think it's very natural for a mom to want to give her children everything possible, even at great sacrifice. But part of what you want to give her is love, respect and compassion for others (including you) and for herself as well.

I think you have to start taking care of yourself, because you deserve it, and because your daughter should see that you deserve it. Because your daughter will not only learn how to treat others from your example, but it is also her model for how she will treat herself later in life. You should have a pretty hairstyle and nice clothes, even if it means that she occasionally does without something she wants. While it's normal to want to put her needs before your own, at least your needs should come before her wants, otherwise you could be unwittingly teaching her selfishness instead of compassion. Because compassion doesn't come naturally to children (or any of us). We have to be taught it, and not by what is given to us, but what we are taught to give.

I really like what kaplods has said. kap, you are so right about everyone needing to learn about compassion.

timmyshawn, I just wanted to add that your daughter isn't really embarrassed by YOU--she is embarrassed by the comments her friends make. At that age, kids live and die by their friends' opinions--especially girls--and this phase goes on for awhile. They also become critical of their parents at about this time, and it's likely that even if you were a perfect size, wore perfect clothes, had perfect skin and hair, blah blah blah, she or her friends would find something they didn't like. It's what kids do.

The telling point about it is that it hurt you so much. You can use that hurt to make changes. You can share your plans with your daughter--but make sure that you let her know that YOU are making the change because YOU want to. It should not sound like you're doing it "for her."

Jay

I would defintily have a talk with her!

I agree with Kaplod! 110%. Do this for yourself, put yourself first, and not only will you be making yourself a better person... but your daughter too. Good luck and be strong, if you 11 yr old is like this now... imagine in a few years or so. Teach her the worth is more than a nice clothes and shapely eyebrows.

Ouch, that had to hurt!

Kaplods (you make some very wise posts, btw) basically voiced my initial reaction for me. While it is very noble to always put everyone else, especially your kids, first (it's what we moms do best!), I'm going to stick my neck out and say that your daughter sounds a bit over-indulged (out of love, I realize, but still). 11 year olds having their eyebrows done??? Give me a break, I'm 41, and I pluck mine myself.

OK, yes, by your ticker you are overweight. But not so much that you would be an embarrassment to anyone. Heck, in this day and age, a little over 200 pounds is not unusual at all. I'm not saying not to lose it - do it for your health, if nothing else. My point is just that your size is very common these days, and nothing you should feel embarrassed about.

I'm reading between the lines a bit here, but is it possible that some of your DD's "embarrassment" could stem not just from your weight, but have you maybe "let yourself go" a bit? I don't know you, but from your post, you describe yourself wearing ratty clothes (so she can have nice ones), not having your hair done (so she can have hers done), etc. If that is the case, I'm betting that if you started putting yourself first, you could look like a million bucks. And guess what - you are the grown up, and the money is yours. An 11 year old has no God-given right to have everything handed to her while her hardworking parents go without. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but maybe your DD needs to be brought back down to earth.

I agree with Janie. If you present yourself as second best, sloppy with no confidence, then that's how others will see you. Obviously, that's how her friends see you. One of the hardest things a mother can do is to live as an individual, but you are one. It's time to put some time, effort and money into yourself. I just don't mean weight loss, as that will come over time. I mean dump those ratty clothes and get some updated ones for yourself. Your kids have to learn that the money only goes so far, and that it's there for the whole family, not just them.

I am with kaplods, too.

It does seem that the moms who are most selfless with their kids and don't take care of themselves at all are the ones the kids seem to be most "ashamed" of. They don't realize that they are all macked out BECAUSE you do without..in a lot of cases.

It is the age. I mean, most 11 year olds are embarrased to be seen with their parents even if the parents are smokin' hot. 11 year olds want everyone to think they were hatched..lol So don't worry about it..

THat was really insensitive of her though to actually voice it to you. It souns like maybe you need to start feeling better about yourself so you can command some respect. I didn't want to be seen with my parents at that age but never in a million years would I have said it out loud to them..
by contrast my best friend was babied and given everything by her parents and her and her sister treated them like garbage. I was actually embarrased of their behavior and told them many times to stop..but they wouldnt . they saw it as a game.
Ironically their parents did not want me hanging around with her as they thought I was a bad influence becasue my family wasn't religious
Uh, hello? Some people can't see the forest for the trees.
Anyway sorry to get so off topic but I hope you get the gist. demand respect from her. Give her REAL consequences when she speaks to you like a second classs citizen. You deserve it, for yourself and for her.

I don't want to beat you while you're down, but a few things dawned on me about your post that really disturbed me.

Am I understanding correctly that your daughter only casually mentioned Mother's Day in passing in the evening (by the way a decent wardrobe and regular trips to the beauty salon for yourself certainly should come above luxuries like a tv and DVD player in an 11 year old's bedroom)? Didn't your husband help the kids give you gifts or cards or make any kind of fuss all day?
If there wasn't a fuss, what is Father's Day like? Is a fuss made over Dad, do you make sure that you and the kids acknowledge him with gifts and/or a bit of a fuss.

If there's a big difference between how Mother's Day and Father's Day is celebrated in your home, with Dad getting more of a fuss, you're telling the kids that Dad is better and more important than you.


You mentioned that you always put everyone else first, your husband as well as the kids. This really needs to stop too, because by this, you are telling your family (whether you say it or not) that you do not matter as much as they do, that you are at the bottom of the family pecking-order, and that your husband as well as your kids are better than you.

If your husband is a decent guy, I'm sure he doesn't want you always putting his needs and desires as well as those of the kids before your own. If you take care of and even pamper yourself more, you and the entire family will be a lot happier.

I think you should have also have a talk with your husband privately, and explain to him why you need to stop taking care of yourself last, and that you need his help. Then you should have a family talk about this. The kids and Dad and most importantly you need to acknowledge your value in the family.

I remember being a little snot when I was 11-12 years old. I was embarassed by my parents. As I recall I was embarassed more by my Mom (possibly due to my burgening womanhood and wanting to seperate my identity from her? Just a thought.) I know I said some things that were really hurtful to my parents during my preteen and teen years. What I'm saying basically is I think it's a normal phase (although I'm sure a very annoying one.)

To touch on some of what others have been saying, I want to relate something from my life. My mother was very ill most of my life and I had to start taking over house hold duties when I was 15 years old. After she passed I had to help take care of my father. I put my life on hold to be thier caretakers and put them first in everything. I don't regret anything I did, but I realized (really late in the process) that if I focused on my own self-care more, then I was more prepared to take care of them. When we are the best self we can be, we are in a better place to do for others. So don't view taking care of your self as selfish! You are already starting the process by getting healthier! You deserve to be taken care of and you are the person to do it!

Here's a great big hug for you!

Taking care of yourself definitely isn't selfish, but (especially for women, I think) it can be hard to believe and act otherwise. We're often used to putting others first, whether we have children or not (and maybe it's because we saw our mothers do it).

With health issues, it's especially important that you do not put yourself last. I have fibromyalgia, arthritis, asthma, and other health issues, and if I don't take care of myself FIRST, I have no energy to spend on anyone or anything else. My husband and I unfortunately do not have children, but we do try to be wonderful to one another as well as stay active in our church, and spend as much time with our young nephews as we can. To do this, we have to pay very close attention to our physical, psychological, spiritual and emotional needs. Stress is a big killer, and putting yourself las when you have health issues piles tons of stress on your already stressed mind and body. You can't afford to do that, both for your own sake and the sake of your family.