This is exactly how I've lived the past 20 years of my life in my head. It's been really hard trying to change that thinking. So I decided that my problem isn't so much the food I eat (although that is a problem), it's more about my mental attitude and self esteem. I started to write in a notebook. You can call it a journal instead. Every day I start out my day with the words, "I AM BEAUTIFUL!" Then I start writing all the good things that I am. I focus on changing my self talk to positive things. I tell myself that I am worthy of change and changing things for the better. I know if I don't change this attitude I have then I'll have the same problems at 130 lbs that I have now at 190 lbs. I figured out that most of my problems are mental. That is all that was holding me back from my goals. And not just weight loss and exercise goals. It's also holding me back from career goals and social goals as well.

As for the eating part of this... I made a plan of what to eat each day. I figured out the calories ahead of time and so I know what I get to eat and what I don't. I included things I enjoy eating so I'm not feeling deprived. For example, I prefer a breakfast that is easy to make so I picked cereal. I choose one with high fiber and lower calories so I can have a big bowl of it. I prefer quantity over quality for breakfast. For lunch I like sandwiches. So I picked out a good healthy bread that I like the taste of. I add to it a small salad. I add in my salad some sort of topping like bacon bits, nuts, or french fried onions. Of course I only add about a Tbsp so I don't add many calories, but it still seems like I'm treating myself. For my snacks I bought a bunch of different things (cookies, crackers, pretzels, etc.) I then put 100 calories worth in little snack size bags. I threw them all in a box so they are easy to contain and get to. Now when I want a snack I know it's 100 calories so it's easy to count and I have many to choose from. For dinner I know what I'm going to eat is going to be a protein, carb, and veggie. I've planned for 500 calories. If it isn't as much as that, then I use what's left over for the day for my evening snack. I know I can't go without some sort of snack at night. So I plan for it. I bought the 100 calorie bags of popcorn since that's my snack of choice at night. I eat pretty much the same thing for breakfast and lunch every day. The only thing that is different from day to day is dinner. This works best for me and helps to keep me in line for my calories.

I am not dead set on my meals so I do tweak them each week. I want this to be something I am comfortable with and can live with for the rest of my life. So I have to fit the foods I eat around my tastes and style. I also need to learn to choose healthier options of these foods. Instead of regular dressing I choose low fat or fat free. Instead of any old cereal I choose one with higher fiber (to help keep me full) and lower calories so I can eat more of it. Instead of having crackers or cookies for my afternoon snack I choose veggies and dip. I usually pick cauliflower or carrots. My dip is normally low fat, but taste is the biggest factor in which one I choose.

I've also learned that there are certain foods I just can't have in the house and have to treat them like drugs. Ice cream sandwiches are evil. I'll eat a whole box in one sitting whether I'm hungry or not. Rice Krispie treats are evil. I used to make a whole batch of peanut butter ones and eat the whole batch in one day because I could control myself. Basically anything that is mainly sugar is no longer allowed in my house. I've realized that my happiness with myself and my body is more important than any food. That is where it got easier. I had to make that decision and feel good about it.

Sorry so long. Your post really struck a cord with me. It really was like reading my thoughts. I've been there, am still struggling to get out of there, but it's getting easier since I'm focusing on what is good about me instead of what is wrong.

:hug: Brandi

Barb, it sounds like you might have hit your "rock bottom". And you've realized that (at least for you, I know not everyone agrees) as Oprah likes to say, "It's not about the food". The good thing about rock bottom is, things can only improve. Decide on your plan, and take it one day at a time. And come here a lot for inspiration and encouragement. Like any change in habits, it does get easier, bit by bit, over time, so stick with it. Good luck!

Friends,

I appreciate your responses so much! I sort of knew I wasn't the only one with some of those thoughts and feelings, but it helps to have it confirmed that I'm not alone.

As far as how today went, I did follow through on all 3 of my goals. I even threw away the little chocolate Easter egg I got at church. They passed them out during the service, and I just couldn't say no to the cute little 3-yr-old helping to pass them out. I looked at it sitting there on the piano (I was playing hymns and other misc. today) and thought it would be OK to eat it, it was small, there was only one, I got it as part of the church service . . . . , but feared that if I ate it, it would start me down a bad path, and I would just make a bee-line for the bake sale tables between services. I was ticked off for a while between services when I kept having to remind myself that I had committed to no really blatant sugar today (like why on earth did I DO that?), but once the second service started, I was fine with it, and glad I hadn't eaten anything.

In all, I still overate today, but less than usual, and the sugar content was WAY down. And I walked for 40 minutes (I used to make that same walk at a much faster pace, but hey - this is how it is right now.)

I've started reading "The Four Day Win", by Martha Beck, and in it she talks about how there's some evidence that sticking with any kind of change in behavior (and this book is about eating habits in particular) for just 4 days creates pretty strong momentum, and that a person's thought process goes something like. Four days doesn't sound all that threatening, like of course I can manage it for just 4 days. And then at the end of the 4 days, people have seen that they can in fact do the thing they're working on, and they continue to do it. I haven't read the whole book yet, but so far it's pretty interesting. Food for thought, so to speak.

So I'm going to continue my 3 goals for 3 more days.

Thanks for reading,
Barb

Great start, Barb!! So much of this journey IS mental, and finding ways to kickstart ourselves through all of it is important!

Keep posting here, too!

WTG Barb ! Think of that little innocent egg as the tip of a giant iceberg. I think you might have made it through the hardest of the four days already !