I need some support....
 

My boyfriend has been paying for me to go to the gym since Thanksgiving. Well, that wasn't going very well. I guess I really didn't enjoy the gym I was going to. Then his sister invited me to her gym to a zumba class, and I loved it. So, i convinced him to pay a little more money so that i could switch gyms. I made a deal with him. If I didn't lose 10 pounds or one pants size in 2 months time, he could canceal the whole gym membership. So, I have been going to this new gym for 2 weeks. I am taking 4 classes a week. I take 3 one hour long Ultra Do All classes (we use steps, and weights, and bands and work out hard for an hour straight.) Then I take 1 one hour long Zumba class once a week. I am on my 3rd week and I have not dropped one pound yet. My muscles are always tired though and slightly sore. I am hoping that I am building muscles, especially in my legs, and that is why I haven't dropped any pounds, but am I going to see a drop in pants size by my 2 month mark? My 2 month mark is not until may 18th. I don't really eat alot. I need to make sure I am getting about 1400-1500 calories of good for me foods a day. But I am just hoping that I am going to start seeing some results. Please someone tell me I will see some soon. I don't want him to be disappointed in me and I don't want to be disappointed in me and I really am enjoying the 4 classes I go to a week.

Hi honey, how are you?
I won't ask you where you've been or what you've been up to ... I see ;)

I don't think it's ever a good idea to tie a weight loss goal to a particular date - the scale has its own ideas.

The situation sounds kind of off to me, why is your boyfriend so interested in you losing weight and will only contribute money to your health/happiness if it leads to weight loss? Just seems weird. If he wants to pay for your gym because it makes you happy and helps you be a healthier person, that's great. If he only pays for your gym membership for you to lose weight, that sounds...off to me.

Sounds like you are doing everything right - eating well, going to the gym regularly, NOBODY has any reason to be disappointed in anybody, particularly your boyfriend disappointed in you - that just sounds so wrong.

Can you pay for the gym yourself? If he's going to set "stipulations" around his gift, then I don't think I would accept it.

yes...i've been quite busy actually having a social life the past 9 months. which means i actually put on a couple of pounds. I was down 33 pounds to 163...now back up to 168 but i guess that's okay. NOt bad 5 pounds in 9 months with no excersizing. But now I want to get serious again about losing the weight. I know I have to really buckle down and get my eating situation back on track. I think I need to be at 1500 calories with me working out 4 days a week hard for an hour each time. Don't you think???

Well, IMHO, I agree with you wanting to eat healthier and you wanting to lose weight to feel better and look better... I hope you are doing this for yourself, becuase it's what you want, and not becuase it's what you BF wants.

Pardon my saying this, becuase it's really none of my business, but you asked for our input, so here it is. Reading your first post, this is what I got from it. Sounds to me like your BF doesn't have your best interest at heart, but his own. If a man loves you, he should love you for who you are, not what you look like. Sounds to me like he is selfishly trying to make you change, instead of accepting you as you are, a beautiful person, and loving you for you. He is setting these ultimatums, telling you he won't pay for the gym that you so obviously enjoy, just because you haven't lost weight or pants sizes. I mean, it sometimes doesn't work that way that fast, yet he tells you he will cancel your membership if you can't shrink in 2 months. That's just wrong!!!

Why do we feel we must settle for men who mistreat us? My best friend gets physically beaten up all the time by her boyfriend, who does everything he can to tear down what little self esteem she has left. Last time, he landed her in the hospital. And there is nothing I can do about it, becuase she refuses to leave him. Maybe your situation isn't that bad, I don't know, but it's still a form of mistreatment, in my eyes.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to settle for anyone who treats me like this. I would rather be alone...

I will ask, whose idea was it that you had to lose a certain amount in order for him to pay for the membership? Did you come up with that or did he? I think you should just continue to do what you are doing, and when the time is up, if you have been faithful to the gym, I am sure he will want to continue doing that for you. Maybe he was trying to avoid paying for something you do not use, I don't know, but tying weight loss to it is not the best idea. Your commitment to the gym should be more relevant. Don't tear yourself down when you are working so hard!

I'm with Glory. He sounds controlling. That's all I'll say about the subject. Also, have nothing to add re: weightloss because I'm just taking it day by day and hoping for the best (best = that muscle-y, toned look :D)

oh no...i should have made it clearer I guess about the 2 month thing. That was my idea. See when he started paying for it, it was because I had been complaining about the fact I had lost my gym membership because I couldn't afford it anymore. And that I had only reached half my goal. So he said he would pay for me to go to the gym. But he really didn't want to pay the higher priced Y gym so he got me the membership at the lower cost Y gym. Well, i was going there for like 4 months but i wasn't going but maybe twice a week and DEFINATELY not seeing any results. So when I got a chance to go the more expensive Y gym with his sister, I made the bargain that if he would pay the extra money that if I hadn't lost 10 pounds or one pants size, he could stop paying. That's from my own guilt. I don't want him paying for something he really can't afford to be paying if I am not seeing a weight loss. He is really a very sweet guy. Sorry if I made it sound like he was not happy with me. He wants me to go to the gym if it makes me happy but if i'm not going, he doesn't want to be paying for something i'm not using. And I don't want him to be paying for something if I am not seeing results.

But do you think my expectations are too high that taking 4 physically challenging classes per week will help me drop one pants size in 2 months. That's 36 hours of hard work in 2 months. I just want to know if I am somewhere in dream land. (My real goal is to be able to wear something slinky maybe in a size 10 by our one year anniversary which is july 15th. 3 months away. Maybe I should hope for a size 12. I am a 14 right now.)

Ummm, sorry, but I have to side with the majority here. I was (keyword: WAS) married to a very controlling man whose OWN low self-esteem got translated into constant criticisms of me..."You look like YOU'VE put on some weight...????" (This when I weighed 130 pounds at 5'6 !!!!) It was not a happy life, having to constantly watch my weight and worry about how I looked for fear that I would "disappoint" him, or that he wouldn't find me attractive. My second - and very permanent - husband loves ME, and I look wonderful to him even at my CURRENT weight, which I, personally, am not comfortable with - which is why I'm at 3FC, and why I am eating healthier foods, drinking plenty of water, and exercising. It's not for HIM; it's for ME.
If your boyfriend is ALREADY setting weight loss goals for you, and tying them to the rewards that HE will bestow (or NOT) upon you, what does that say about his respect for you, as a person in your own right? Putting conditions upon his gifts to you is a little too patronizing, in my humble (even if it doesn't sound so humble) opinion.
Perhaps we are misunderstanding the situation? (I sure hope so).

Good luck,

Ella :?:

What about when you reach your goal weight? You won't be losing weight, but you will still need exercise to maintain the weight loss. Would he still pay in that case? Where are the results, what is he paying for?

He is getting his money's worth out of the gym payments if you go, not if you lose weight. No one can force weight loss (although we would all love to!!).

If he wants to pay for your gym membership, he should just pay for your gym membership, no strings. If you want to accept his gift, just make sure the money isn't wasted by using the gym regularly and making yourself the healthiest person you can be.

no no no...this was my weight loss goal....not his. He is being the sweet one who is paying for me to go because I wanted to go. I told him that if i hadn't lost weight or inches that he could stop paying for it. My guilt, not him telling me I have to. I don't want him to pay for it if it isn't working out. This guy is not controlling or anything. He is being really sweet to pay for it and I am being sweet to say if I don't see results, I don't want him to do it anymore. I am the one who doesn't want to be fat. If he didn't already like me, he wouldn't have gone out with me. He just wants me to be happy with myself. But I don't want him wasting his money if I am not going to be doing my part. I only made the goal part as a way of getting him to pay more money for an upgrade on my membership.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's trying to be supportive here - it does sound like Lumifan set the actual goals. But I think a better goal might be "If I'm not using the gym 4/week, you don't have to keep paying" The way it's set up now, even if you lose 8 pounds, you've still officially "failed". Which is so not true - if you've used the gym, gotten fitter, healthier, maybe dropped a few pounds, I would call that very successful. You can't measure the gym's worth in "pounds lost" alone.

Is it possible to negotiate with him - maybe he can pay what he was paying at the old gym, and you can pay the difference?

Even your next goal is tied to your BF. Your anniversary. I'm sorry, but I think you have your weight and him tied too closely together. Something just doesn't sound right.

Also worrying and hoping what size you will be at a certain date is just too darn hard. Who knows what our bodies will do and when? If you eat right and exericise you will lose weight and drop dress sizes - eventually. There is not way to know WHEN.

I don't want to comment on the boyfriend thing (although, it seems to me that since you have been going regularly and enjoying it, he should be willing to revise the earlier bargain and let you keep your membership. The operative principle behind the deal seems to be that you have to USE your membership, which you have been doing, and the weightloss is secondary to that. Exercising regularly is good for you regardless of whether or not you lose weight, and we should all be doing it even when we're happy with our weight.)

Nonetheless, if you have been working out 4 days a week and restricting your calories to 1400-1500, you should be losing weight. Are you weighing your foods and tracking your calories properly? You might be eating more than you think you are. The other possibility is that if you've been emphasizing weight training rather than cardio in your workouts, you might be building muscle, which, as we all know, is heavier than fat. Have you been measuring yourself? This is a very good way of keeping track of losing fat and gaining muscle if your actual weight isn't shifting much. I don't know what a Zumba is, but it looks as though you could be doing quite a bit more cardio in your workouts.
I think you need to do both cardio and weight training for weight loss. Cardio burns so many calories!!

So my recommendation is: track your calories carefully and make sure you are eating only 1500 a day; increase the cardio in your workouts--ideally, at least 30 minutes 4 times a week, and more if you are fit enough to do it.

I'm sure that he will be very understanding if you explain the situation to him. Just tell him exactly what you told us. You've been going 4 days a week, and you havn't lost any weight yet.

It's been said--somewhere on this forum I believe--that 80% of weight loss is diet. Exercise is great; it will help you get in shape, healthier, and toned, but in the end, if you want to lose weight, you are going to have to change your diet. I have an associate who runs marathons and he was just commenting to me the other day about how he sees lots of people in these marathons that are clearly in better cardiovascular shape than he is--they can run farther and faster--but they are overweight, sometimes surprisingly overweight.

At particularly high weights, sometimes exercise alone is enough. But you are now less than 40 lbs from your goal (which is fantastic--you've made a lot of progress :broc: ). At that weight, I think it is going to take a concentrated focus on your diet to get to your goal and it sounds like you've been a little half-hearted about it up until now. I think 1500 calories a day is a great starting point, with tracking and measuring of everything you eat.

Also 10 lbs or one pants size in two months might be a little aggressive. That's definitely a "stretch" goal. It might be doable, but I don't think it will be easy. I think you might want to go back to your boyfriend and renegotiate the arrangement. Maybe he could pay the amount he was paying for the cheaper gym and you could make up the difference, with no conditions on his portion of the payment. I also think it might be worth trying to negotiate with the gym. You would be surprised what you can negotiate for. Tell them you can't afford the membership rate and that the other gym is $$ cheaper but that you'd really like to stay with them, can they do anything for you.

OK, skipping the other argument lets look at you

In your first post you say that you love the Zumba class and are enjoying the gym...it makes you happy. Weight loss should not be tied into the deal. Are you USING the gym membership? Yup- 4 days a week. Thats what counts. Cancel a gym membership if you are not USING it.

Sometimes it takes time for weight loss to happen. Sometimes you have to experiment with what works for you (i.e. are you REALLY eating only 1500/day or are you ESTIMATING 1500/day) Are you losing fat and gaining muscle, are you not doing as much as you thought and need to add more, etc.

But if you just say "oh, its not working, never mind" you cant get anywhere.

What will you do if he cancels the membership? You finally found exercise you like and can make part of your life. I say now is the time to say, well, maybe the 10 lb thing wasnt realistic, but this is working for me emotionally and spiritually and I will keep at it until I am where I want to be physically. You have to be healthier doing this than NOT doing this.

It sounds like YOU are putting this artificial deadline as an easy excuse to give up without being "at fault".

Oh ..and as for the pants size thing, I've had times where I lost 10 lbs and lost a pants size, I've had times where I lost 30 before I went down a size. It all depends on if I am losing from areas that are the "limiting factor" for my pants (like currently, I am a size 8/10 in the waist and 6/8 in the hips - If I lose more from my hips first, the size isnt going anywhere.)

I know we can't predict when our bodies will fit into a certain size. I guess I was just hoping. Hoping to be a certain size really goes along with thinking we will be skinny if we drop to a certain number on the scale but don't tone up. Because that is not always true either is it?? I just want to be slim, trim and hot today!!! lol.

The anniversary thing is just another goal like wanting to look good as a bridesmaid in your best friends wedding. Just another occassion to set the bar for. If my weight loss revolves around my boyfriend, it is because alot of my life revolves around my boyfriend. I spend alot of time with him. The goals are definately set by myself. But thank you Janie for understanding what i was saying. My boyfriend was only brought in to this because I am so excited that he upgraded my gym membership and how much happier i am at this new gym. And how excited I am that I will definately be seeing some results soon. My post should have been something like....I need some encourgement because I know you all here are struggling with the same things I am. My boyfriend is supportive but he doesn't really know alot about how long we all have been working to lose weight. My 3fc friends here all know when they started a new work out program how long it maybe was before they started seeing results. That's really what I was looking for. THose who work out alot, how long it took you to see results. Would I see some results in 2 months. I am sure my boyfriend will continue to pay as long as I am actually USING the gym this time and am happy going.

I am sure that I will see some results by taking so many classes a week.

Hey there! Good for you for going to the gym. I go six days a week. I use the "cardio" machines and work with weight machines a bit.

I've said this elsewhere--a goal should not be set up as a potential source of disappointment. You've put yourself into a bind here by saying that if you don't meet this goal (that you kind of pulled out of a hat) he doesn't have to pay for your gym. Goals should point you to where you want to go, not be another reason to feel like you've failed.

So, I'd say tell him that you're working toward being a size smaller (I can't remember exactly whether it was one size or not) on your anniversary, but that you'd like to back out of the no-pay agreement. Make it something less punishing. Like, if you aren't down by a size, you'll pay for dinner, and if you are, he'll pay. Something like that, which won't leave you having to give up your membership. Of course, you could probably pay for it yourself, anyway, but I just think the setup is wrong.

Jay

Agreed. I think, if you are using your membership, it shouldn't matter how much weight or inches you have lost. If you are actually using it, it is not going to waste, and that is what matters.

I apoligize if I misunderstood the situation, and misjudged your boyfriend. Maybe he is a nice man. It just sounds to me like you are trying to lose weight becuase it's what HE wants, not so much what YOU want. And that would be a very sad situation indeed....

MY rule of thumb : If a man cannot love and want me as I am now, overweight, and if he cannot love me for ME, for the good, hard working, loving, decent, and humorous person I am, then I don't want him... I want someone to love me for ME. I will not change myself to conform to anyone else's wishes. I will change for myself, and only for myself. This is all for me. This is my gift to myself...

You're doing an awesome job by going to the gym, I'm sure the weight isn't coming off because of your diet...just buckle down on it for a few weeks and you'll see a change for sure. Hang in there, it will come off!

Hmmm .... ya know what's funny, I never read any manipulation into your original post at all. Maybe because we've talked before :shrug:

Anyway ... back to the point at hand. I'm with whoever said track your food verrrry carefully and I'm gonna suggest putting your mind in your muscle. Pay particular attention to each muscle group as you use it and put just a bit more intensity into your cardio ...

Even if you don't make your goal, you'll look and feel better. And who knows what'll happen (from a financial stand-point) by the time the middle of May comes around.

Hey, I think it's great that your boyfriend offered to pay for your gym membership! I didn't read anything "off" in your original post about this either.

Setting goals is wonderful; as long as you remain flexible with them. 10 lbs. and one pants size in 2 months is very doable but can also be very daunting. As you get closer to your goal date, reassess. Maybe you'll only be down 6 lbs. w/a week to go. If so make sure to readjust your goal. If you still have it in your head that you s/b down those 10 lbs. and are down less than that, you will likely feel frustrated and disappointed. Kindof like setting a gpa for school at 4.0. If you get anything else you have set yourself up for failure. Aim for a gpa of 3.5 and there is "wiggle room" to improve. I tend to set my goals lower rather than higher to build in that "wiggle room". (Gee, I hope that all made sense -- it did in my head! :dizzy: )

You said your muscles were always tired. Perhaps you could alternate between the Zumba class and maybe some other class at the gym to give the Zumba muscles a rest. I know when I used the treadmill every day for an hour a day five days in a row, my legs were constantly tired. They never had a chance to recoup. Now that I alternate and switch things up, they feel fine and I get a better workout when I do use the TM cause they're not so tired. Good luck!!

Jo

P.S. I think your BF sounds very nice! :)

In terms of seeing results, although I was working out 3 days a week with a personal trainer, I did not see any weight loss or fit into a smaller size until I started tracking everything that I ate and limiting my calories. The exercise was great and I definitely felt better, but I didn't lose weight until I started focusing on my diet. Then it was about two months until I had lost 5 lbs, at which point I could definitely see a difference, but not many other people could. I wasn't into a smaller size until maybe 3 months (although the clothes that I had definitely fit way better at 2 months, so maybe they had been a little small to begin with). After that initial two month period, I lost weight at a rate of about 1 lb per week until I got to within ten lbs of my goal, then things slowed down considerably.