I need some support....
 

My boyfriend has been paying for me to go to the gym since Thanksgiving. Well, that wasn't going very well. I guess I really didn't enjoy the gym I was going to. Then his sister invited me to her gym to a zumba class, and I loved it. So, i convinced him to pay a little more money so that i could switch gyms. I made a deal with him. If I didn't lose 10 pounds or one pants size in 2 months time, he could canceal the whole gym membership. So, I have been going to this new gym for 2 weeks. I am taking 4 classes a week. I take 3 one hour long Ultra Do All classes (we use steps, and weights, and bands and work out hard for an hour straight.) Then I take 1 one hour long Zumba class once a week. I am on my 3rd week and I have not dropped one pound yet. My muscles are always tired though and slightly sore. I am hoping that I am building muscles, especially in my legs, and that is why I haven't dropped any pounds, but am I going to see a drop in pants size by my 2 month mark? My 2 month mark is not until may 18th. I don't really eat alot. I need to make sure I am getting about 1400-1500 calories of good for me foods a day. But I am just hoping that I am going to start seeing some results. Please someone tell me I will see some soon. I don't want him to be disappointed in me and I don't want to be disappointed in me and I really am enjoying the 4 classes I go to a week.

Hi honey, how are you?
I won't ask you where you've been or what you've been up to ... I see ;)

I don't think it's ever a good idea to tie a weight loss goal to a particular date - the scale has its own ideas.

The situation sounds kind of off to me, why is your boyfriend so interested in you losing weight and will only contribute money to your health/happiness if it leads to weight loss? Just seems weird. If he wants to pay for your gym because it makes you happy and helps you be a healthier person, that's great. If he only pays for your gym membership for you to lose weight, that sounds...off to me.

Sounds like you are doing everything right - eating well, going to the gym regularly, NOBODY has any reason to be disappointed in anybody, particularly your boyfriend disappointed in you - that just sounds so wrong.

Can you pay for the gym yourself? If he's going to set "stipulations" around his gift, then I don't think I would accept it.

yes...i've been quite busy actually having a social life the past 9 months. which means i actually put on a couple of pounds. I was down 33 pounds to 163...now back up to 168 but i guess that's okay. NOt bad 5 pounds in 9 months with no excersizing. But now I want to get serious again about losing the weight. I know I have to really buckle down and get my eating situation back on track. I think I need to be at 1500 calories with me working out 4 days a week hard for an hour each time. Don't you think???

Well, IMHO, I agree with you wanting to eat healthier and you wanting to lose weight to feel better and look better... I hope you are doing this for yourself, becuase it's what you want, and not becuase it's what you BF wants.

Pardon my saying this, becuase it's really none of my business, but you asked for our input, so here it is. Reading your first post, this is what I got from it. Sounds to me like your BF doesn't have your best interest at heart, but his own. If a man loves you, he should love you for who you are, not what you look like. Sounds to me like he is selfishly trying to make you change, instead of accepting you as you are, a beautiful person, and loving you for you. He is setting these ultimatums, telling you he won't pay for the gym that you so obviously enjoy, just because you haven't lost weight or pants sizes. I mean, it sometimes doesn't work that way that fast, yet he tells you he will cancel your membership if you can't shrink in 2 months. That's just wrong!!!

Why do we feel we must settle for men who mistreat us? My best friend gets physically beaten up all the time by her boyfriend, who does everything he can to tear down what little self esteem she has left. Last time, he landed her in the hospital. And there is nothing I can do about it, becuase she refuses to leave him. Maybe your situation isn't that bad, I don't know, but it's still a form of mistreatment, in my eyes.

I'm sorry, but I refuse to settle for anyone who treats me like this. I would rather be alone...

I will ask, whose idea was it that you had to lose a certain amount in order for him to pay for the membership? Did you come up with that or did he? I think you should just continue to do what you are doing, and when the time is up, if you have been faithful to the gym, I am sure he will want to continue doing that for you. Maybe he was trying to avoid paying for something you do not use, I don't know, but tying weight loss to it is not the best idea. Your commitment to the gym should be more relevant. Don't tear yourself down when you are working so hard!

I'm with Glory. He sounds controlling. That's all I'll say about the subject. Also, have nothing to add re: weightloss because I'm just taking it day by day and hoping for the best (best = that muscle-y, toned look :D)

oh no...i should have made it clearer I guess about the 2 month thing. That was my idea. See when he started paying for it, it was because I had been complaining about the fact I had lost my gym membership because I couldn't afford it anymore. And that I had only reached half my goal. So he said he would pay for me to go to the gym. But he really didn't want to pay the higher priced Y gym so he got me the membership at the lower cost Y gym. Well, i was going there for like 4 months but i wasn't going but maybe twice a week and DEFINATELY not seeing any results. So when I got a chance to go the more expensive Y gym with his sister, I made the bargain that if he would pay the extra money that if I hadn't lost 10 pounds or one pants size, he could stop paying. That's from my own guilt. I don't want him paying for something he really can't afford to be paying if I am not seeing a weight loss. He is really a very sweet guy. Sorry if I made it sound like he was not happy with me. He wants me to go to the gym if it makes me happy but if i'm not going, he doesn't want to be paying for something i'm not using. And I don't want him to be paying for something if I am not seeing results.

But do you think my expectations are too high that taking 4 physically challenging classes per week will help me drop one pants size in 2 months. That's 36 hours of hard work in 2 months. I just want to know if I am somewhere in dream land. (My real goal is to be able to wear something slinky maybe in a size 10 by our one year anniversary which is july 15th. 3 months away. Maybe I should hope for a size 12. I am a 14 right now.)

Ummm, sorry, but I have to side with the majority here. I was (keyword: WAS) married to a very controlling man whose OWN low self-esteem got translated into constant criticisms of me..."You look like YOU'VE put on some weight...????" (This when I weighed 130 pounds at 5'6 !!!!) It was not a happy life, having to constantly watch my weight and worry about how I looked for fear that I would "disappoint" him, or that he wouldn't find me attractive. My second - and very permanent - husband loves ME, and I look wonderful to him even at my CURRENT weight, which I, personally, am not comfortable with - which is why I'm at 3FC, and why I am eating healthier foods, drinking plenty of water, and exercising. It's not for HIM; it's for ME.
If your boyfriend is ALREADY setting weight loss goals for you, and tying them to the rewards that HE will bestow (or NOT) upon you, what does that say about his respect for you, as a person in your own right? Putting conditions upon his gifts to you is a little too patronizing, in my humble (even if it doesn't sound so humble) opinion.
Perhaps we are misunderstanding the situation? (I sure hope so).

Good luck,

Ella :?:

What about when you reach your goal weight? You won't be losing weight, but you will still need exercise to maintain the weight loss. Would he still pay in that case? Where are the results, what is he paying for?

He is getting his money's worth out of the gym payments if you go, not if you lose weight. No one can force weight loss (although we would all love to!!).

If he wants to pay for your gym membership, he should just pay for your gym membership, no strings. If you want to accept his gift, just make sure the money isn't wasted by using the gym regularly and making yourself the healthiest person you can be.

no no no...this was my weight loss goal....not his. He is being the sweet one who is paying for me to go because I wanted to go. I told him that if i hadn't lost weight or inches that he could stop paying for it. My guilt, not him telling me I have to. I don't want him to pay for it if it isn't working out. This guy is not controlling or anything. He is being really sweet to pay for it and I am being sweet to say if I don't see results, I don't want him to do it anymore. I am the one who doesn't want to be fat. If he didn't already like me, he wouldn't have gone out with me. He just wants me to be happy with myself. But I don't want him wasting his money if I am not going to be doing my part. I only made the goal part as a way of getting him to pay more money for an upgrade on my membership.

I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's trying to be supportive here - it does sound like Lumifan set the actual goals. But I think a better goal might be "If I'm not using the gym 4/week, you don't have to keep paying" The way it's set up now, even if you lose 8 pounds, you've still officially "failed". Which is so not true - if you've used the gym, gotten fitter, healthier, maybe dropped a few pounds, I would call that very successful. You can't measure the gym's worth in "pounds lost" alone.

Is it possible to negotiate with him - maybe he can pay what he was paying at the old gym, and you can pay the difference?

Even your next goal is tied to your BF. Your anniversary. I'm sorry, but I think you have your weight and him tied too closely together. Something just doesn't sound right.

Also worrying and hoping what size you will be at a certain date is just too darn hard. Who knows what our bodies will do and when? If you eat right and exericise you will lose weight and drop dress sizes - eventually. There is not way to know WHEN.

I don't want to comment on the boyfriend thing (although, it seems to me that since you have been going regularly and enjoying it, he should be willing to revise the earlier bargain and let you keep your membership. The operative principle behind the deal seems to be that you have to USE your membership, which you have been doing, and the weightloss is secondary to that. Exercising regularly is good for you regardless of whether or not you lose weight, and we should all be doing it even when we're happy with our weight.)

Nonetheless, if you have been working out 4 days a week and restricting your calories to 1400-1500, you should be losing weight. Are you weighing your foods and tracking your calories properly? You might be eating more than you think you are. The other possibility is that if you've been emphasizing weight training rather than cardio in your workouts, you might be building muscle, which, as we all know, is heavier than fat. Have you been measuring yourself? This is a very good way of keeping track of losing fat and gaining muscle if your actual weight isn't shifting much. I don't know what a Zumba is, but it looks as though you could be doing quite a bit more cardio in your workouts.
I think you need to do both cardio and weight training for weight loss. Cardio burns so many calories!!

So my recommendation is: track your calories carefully and make sure you are eating only 1500 a day; increase the cardio in your workouts--ideally, at least 30 minutes 4 times a week, and more if you are fit enough to do it.

I'm sure that he will be very understanding if you explain the situation to him. Just tell him exactly what you told us. You've been going 4 days a week, and you havn't lost any weight yet.