i can totally relate to this post as well. i cant stand girls that act like that, specially when your the heavy one. its like shes saying it because of you or something.
Them: Oh, my (teeny tiney) butt just looks so big in these pants! (expectant look in anticipation of praise)
Me: (insipid smile) Don't you just HATE when you put on a few pounds?
I would say "thanks!" cuz I like my big butt and I really don't want to lose any of it (though I DO want to lose my stomach, hips, a bit off the thighs..you get the idea..). To me the butt is up there with the boobs (i.e. most of us tend to want to keep our chests as large as possible, unless they give us pains and problems when extremely large of course, and I think other curves are as or more nice looking).
But my point is really that we must learn to celebrate our curvatiosness. We must get out of the mind set that ultra thin is the only measure of beauty; frankly I find curves far sexier than bones. My mother's male friend got remarried to a thicker woman after being married for several years to a very thin woman; he told my mother it's great not to be sleeping with my little brother anymore (obviously referring to his thin first wife).
Certain communities certainly celebrate curves more than others. For example, the term "thick" is used by black and latin men as a compliment. I ran into my Puerto Rican ex after I had my baby and after gaining about 50 lbs and he looked at my butt and was like "you're looking kinda thick". And he meant it as a compliment! And this is a guy with a perfect body, not an ounce of fat on that sexy muscular frame. Mmmmm. Lemme stop reminiscing! LOL
I don't get it. So what should skinny people DO when it comes time that weight is a topic of conversation?
All Im getting from the posters here is to be quiet and walk away.
Now, at 110 and 5'3 I'm definitely not complaining about my weight. But with other friends around me that constantly talk about weight, what am I to do? Why is it that I can't lament about gaining xmas pounds even if my friend gained more than I did while being heavier than I am? I feel like the only thing people are suggesting to me if to completely avoid the weight topic.
My more heavy-set friends are constantly talking about their weight. God forbid I talk about mine or else I'll get a load of rants like some of them hear. But of course, none will ever say anything to my face so I'll never know exactly what I should say. So here's my questions for all the ladies that get offended-pretend this is a conversation:
Bigger lady: "Oh I really need to lose weight/ I can't believe I ate that whole thing/ I can;t fit my jeans!"
Skinny lady "__________________________________"
For the sake of conversation, help me fill in the blank. Maybe I'll know what to say other than dumb words of encouragement to make my bigger friends feel happy. I'm a tad bit frustrated that there has to be this constant animosity (even if it wasn't close, its still VERY apparent sometimes in this forum) towards skinner people. A day ago, someone mentioned a television boot camp where the contestants were skinnier that the poster, and she got offended somehwat. Yet few days ago, another poster made an assumption that skinny people didn't work as hard as larger people did. One post that really caught my eye along time ago was when a female poster saw a skinny teenager getting McDonald's to which she replied that, although she was jealous, she'll be healthier in the long run than the teenager- You know, I eat really well, but occasionally I stop for ice cream and donuts or burgers- from that one incident someone will make the assumption that I'm just pure lucky in genetics and that I'll eventually get heart disease. Yup, I'm sure feeling the love....
And by the way, I'm not one of those types that fish for compliments. I know there are people who'd kill to be a size 0 and has size 2 pants as fat pants, and I know my body's imperfections well enough to have insecurities, so I consider myself a good balance of self-esteem. I don't go around making others feel terrible, but occasionally when people ask me why I'm skipping out on dessert and I say, I've had enough sweets for today, no thank you? All I get is, OH come on! Youre so skinny!!! HOw could you not afford to have just another... etc. To me, thats just like skinny people insisting on larger people trying to lose weight to have some as well. So the rants exist BOTH WAYS. I feel like the majority will always side with the heavier folks though, just for sympathy reasons.
Redlight, at your tall height of 5'7" and weight of 157, I'm betting a lot of the lovely ladies on this site, perhaps the ones in the 100 or 300 lb club, are thinking they hope they could get to your weight and wondering why YOU think you're fat. In other words, its all relative.
Miami, I don't think I'm fat. I also wouldn't complain to someone significantly larger than me about how fat I am.
It is difficult. I am at maintenance, I'm a size 6, but if my weight goes up (hi Christmas!) by as little as 5 lbs, I am in panic mode. I know very well from personal experience, that 5 lbs becomes 10 lbs becomes 15 lbs becomes 50 lbs if it isn't nipped in the bud. I am just as focused and committed to losing those 5 lbs as I was to lose the initial 70 lbs - I really have to be.
Managing my weight and losing weight is just as big in my mind at 135 lbs as it was at 200 lbs. I would expect my good friend (and hopefully people here!) would listen to me and support me in my efforts. For me, the work involved to lose 5 lbs is identical to the work it took to lose 70 lbs.
You know, veggielover, you have a really good point. Several points, actually. Yes, there is a lot of animosity being expressed, but it is fueled by years of frustration. It would be great if we could all just lighten up a little--oops! no pun intended!--you know what I mean. It's really to be expected here, because this is where overweight folks feel safe about expressing those feelings that some of us have to hold in every day.
Now, about that conversation:
Bigger lady: "Oh I really need to lose weight/ I can't believe I ate that whole thing/ I can't fit my jeans!"
Skinny lady "__________________________________"
The Skinny lady can say any number of things. Here are some thoughts.
For the first part (need to lose weight): SL: "Have you tried to lose weight in the past?" This opens a conversation so that the other woman can talk a bit about it.
For the second one (can't believe I ate that whole thing): SL: SAY NOTHING! Really. There is no good way for a skinny person to respond to that if a larger person is saying it. Or, SL could make a comment like, "I almost never eat that much at a time." (if it's true) In other words, don't say anything about what the other person ate.
For the third one (can't fit jeans): "That must be really frustrating."
Also, I know that thin people work to stay thin, especially if they have lost weight to get that thin. As I lose weight, my weight loss is slowing down. I have to increase my exercise in order to eat above 1200 cals. So yeah, it does become work.
I think it's fine to lament about gaining weight over holidays if you have, but obviously if talking to a woman who is 5 feet tall and weighs 180 pounds, you wouldn't want to moan too much about your 2-pound weight gain. Just saying, "Yeah, I think I ate too much over the holidays" would be fine.
How does that sound to you?
Also, I just hate food pushers--the ones who assume you just really can eat a dessert without any problem, for example. Or who want you to eat it because they are going to. It's really hard to resist that, but resist we must.
Glory, you have done such a great job that I think you have earned the right to obsess a little bit. And anyone who knows you would realize this either on or off board.
Veggie lover, in my "perfect world" no woman would complain about her weight ("do or do not that is all there is no try") but if your friends are complaining and you are struggling to come up with a response you can smile and say "I think its great that you are trying to stay healthy" or something generically supportive.
If you were truly concerned about your weight then the choice would be yours. Clearly some friends will understand more than others and you would have to make the judgement. But I didn't get the impression that this is the case. If so its best not to make something up to try to be polite. As you can see it is often taken harshly.
To put it in a different context say you really wanted an A on a test. You get a B. You are disappointed. However when your friend says "OMG I flunked" you don't say "Yeah, I did so bad too I got a B" (even though you are in fact disappointed) You say "Yeah the test was so difficult." Or at least that's what I would do.
Of course people are going to say stupid things. Its kind of human nature. You have to expect it and arm yourself emotionally. They can't help it really.
I know it must sound a little crazy, but sometimes I *DO* feel fat. I'm not sure how much of it is media influence (comparison to airbrushed bikini models of perfection) and how much is vestigal feelings from actually living as an overweight woman for 20 years (fat girl in head - BYE NOW) and how much of it could be bloating or water weight gain, feeling blah, the sad reality of loose skin on belly and thighs or maybe it's tight jeans just out of the dryer.
I would hate to be insensitive by saying anything hurtful to someone who is also struggling with weight loss (since I do know it is a lifetime struggle!) but sometimes things might just slip out! It's possible the "slim" person saying what seems to be crazy things about feeling fat may actually feel fat and miserable! Some sympathy both ways, please??
I would hate to be insensitive by saying anything hurtful to someone who is also struggling with weight loss (since I do know it is a lifetime struggle!) but sometimes things might just slip out! It's possible the "slim" person saying what seems to be crazy things about feeling fat may actually feel fat and miserable! Some sympathy both ways, please??
Slip ups happens a lot! We're human and I'm the queen of slip ups, so there's no way I'm going to tell someone to be perfect...
This is in response to other posters: However, saying something encouraging is COMPLETELY different from pointing out the difference between yourself and your bigger friend. Why should you participate in that kind of self-depricating dialogue? If you find it bothersome that your bigger friend points out her weight, why do you add fat to the fire? Just get out of it by saying "I'm sorry you feel like that" That's an honest sentiment and it doesn't get you into trouble. Women who have been heavy for most of their life will feel resentment at someone who hasn't had a problem maintaining weight. It's the same resentment you would feel if someone had gorgeous hair and you didn't. Inexplicable, but present. I like the analogy another poster used about the test. Dead on. I never advertise my grades to someone if mine are better than his/hers. In my opinion and in my experiences, it's rude to rub your success in someone's face. If I get a good grade, I tell someone neutral, like my mom who's not in my class and will be happy for me. I wouldn't go up to someone who failed and say "OMG, I was only TWO points away from an A...life isn't FAIR!" See what I'm saying?
Managing my weight and losing weight is just as big in my mind at 135 lbs as it was at 200 lbs. I would expect my good friend (and hopefully people here!) would listen to me and support me in my efforts. For me, the work involved to lose 5 lbs is identical to the work it took to lose 70 lbs.
I need to keep this all in perspective. I've read how those last 10 or so pound of yours took over 9 months to lose. That's where I am now......I've been considering going on the maintenance track at this point because I'm in a healthy range. It's just that I WANT to lose a few more. But you are absolutely correct. It is just as much work to lose ANY weight. When I first joined 3FC, I thought you were a bit obsessed (taking your own food to a BBQ), but now I really, really understand. If your friends cannot embrace the healthy food choices you've made, you have to fend for yourself. I'm going to sit myself down this weekend and really re-do my plan and see what I need to do to get the last 7 pounds off!
To everyone~it is all a matter of perspective. Although I know I'm not fat, and I've been told for years that I'm not fat (but I did lose 30+ pounds!) there are days when I feel less good about myself. I think back to last summer (I weighed about 5-7 pounds more than I do now) and my DD and I were trying on bathing suits....she insisted I try on a bikini. She came over to my room to see it and she said, "Gawd, Mom, you're skinny!" I felt so good. But here I am 5-7 pounds lighter and I don't feel so skinny any longer. It's just how I perceive myself at any given moment and I have to say that the clothes I have on at the time have a lot to do with my perspective. (For example, tonight I have on a new outfit that is totally flattering and I know I look good and probably don't need to lose weight. But what I wore to work today--a totally different thing!!)
Sorry guys (gals!) , if I sounded a bit flustered but I really thought, for one moment, this was a total sign for smaller women to shut up completely....
I don't know... I never thought of weight as much as I did with health....
I mean, I honestly believe a woman should think of her health first above her appearance and I think it bothers a lot of people that appearance makes up so much of what we think of an individual's health assessment...
To put it in a different context say you really wanted an A on a test. You get a B. You are disappointed. However when your friend says "OMG I flunked" you don't say "Yeah, I did so bad too I got a B" (even though you are in fact disappointed) You say "Yeah the test was so difficult." Or at least that's what I would do.
Of course people are going to say stupid things. Its kind of human nature. You have to expect it and arm yourself emotionally. They can't help it really.
Thanks hikerchick... you're a doll! It puts things in better perspective really, with that analogy....
Jay, thanks so much. Ever since this thread was posted, I've been biting my tongue because I know 3FC was the place to rant so we could all relieve ourselves.... but then when I read through the whole thread and then around other thread, it became such a bottled up feeling that I couldn't help it anymore and said to myself, "You know, why can't I say anything about this matter?" Because the truth is, I could NEVER say anything about weight around other people and express how I feel! I just felt a little like I should also be able to vent.. but thanks so much. I'm sure I know now what to feel or say (if I had to!) in that situation!
